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My son has gone to stay with his dad this week. Have logged onto my bank this morning to sort my bills out and found that ex has not sent his maintenance payment this week. Things have gone reasonably well between us for a few months so I sent him a jokey text asking when he was paying his money as son needs new uniform. The reply I got was that he isn't paying this week as son is with him, therefore I have no costs for him this week!!! When he left we used the CSA calculator to work out what he should be paying. We based this on him doing a basic week, which he never does, so he's always paid me roughly £5 more than it says he should. I do not ask him for any other contributions, I pay for everything myself.
I phoned him and tried to explain that maintenance is a weekly amount, he can't just not pay. He said why should he pay when he has to feed son for the week? Does he really think a five year old gets through that much food?! I pointed out that maintenance as I understand it goes towards providing a home for the child, nt just food and clothing etc and that even though son wasn't with me, I still had same amount of bills to pay. It's even worse this month as I've had to have two days off work as son was ill then school was snowed off. Since December I've had six days off with him, lost more than a weeks pay, but I didn't ask for extra money, I just struggled and things are still tight. Him not paying has not helped. He just told me that it was all about the money with me, I wanted all I could get from him. No, I just want him to pay what he owes!
Any thoughts? We are only separated and have no orders or anything in place. At this rate I am going to have to borrow money to buy son his summer uniform.
Hello Looby, sorry that this has caused trouble for you when the two of you generally sort things out very well together.
I am sure when you looked at the calculator, one of the questions it asked you is how many nights per year J spends with his dad. Over a certain number, this reduces the maintenance due. Do have a think about those nights per year and factor this into the equation too. Here is a calculator that accounts for that, don't know if that is the one you used?
It is true that you still have to provide a home for J and buy his clothes etc week in, week out and it seems unfair for his dad to withhold the money. On the other hand, as J lives with you most of the time, you receive Child Benefit, Child Tax Credit and I am guessing maybe Working Tax Credit also, by virtue of having a dependent child so I understand where his dad is coming from, even though I so don't agree with what he has done! He needs to pay the agreed amount regularly, if the nights with him have been taken into consideration and there are no weeks off. I am thinking that if J's dad went on holiday for two weeks then he would neither get nor expect a reduction in his council tax that month!!! it's the same thing.
If J's dad is more or less paying what the CSA calculator suggests then there is little point going through the CSA unless you want to ensure that it does come....although maybe you can tell him that if he makes the payments through the CSA, he will have to pay 20% extra as a CSA fee, that might motivate him!!! Anything on top of the CSA is J's dad's choice.
I agree that unform is disgracefully expensive. I always used to ask my boys' dad's parents to help with that as I could not afford it and I also used the second hand uniform stall at the school.
We worked it out based on him having J between 52 and 103 nights. For the past two years he has not even managed the 52. I don't understand why he has suddenly decided this is ok. I get minimal benefits. I know it's some but it's nowhere near the same as having another salary coming in. Ex earns about £10000 more a year than me. I'm disgusted that he didn't say anything to me before hand.
Im struggling to cope at the minute. Im wondering if j would be better off with his dad. Money has become very tight. Ive spent the sfternoon going through my finances to try and save. I'm seriously thinking of cancelling the holiday I have booked to get the money back. I've had to buy a new oven and as well as the days I've had off work I've had to use my savings, what little I had. I rely on the maintenance money each week, it is accounted for.
I mentioned the CSA to him before and he says he'll do minimal weeks until its all sorted out, then ill get less than I get now.
i really don't know what the point is any more
Well I can't agree with you that J would be better off with his dad and I know you would not like that really. It's no joke,though, bringing up children without adequate financial support....My boys' dad paid a modest amount for quite some time (much less than other single parent friends were getting) and then suddenly stopped it altogether, which was horrendous. The boys were 13 and 8, and I had to get a job two evenings a week as well as my daytime job.There are also many parents who get nothing at all from the other parent. It really is not fair or just. On the other hand I know of plenty of parents (usually dads) who are left living in poverty after they have paid the maintenance, so it can be unfair for them too.
If you were to take his logic to the nth degree then a. could you have a refund for all the nights you have had J when he should have had him? and b. what about paying rent for all the time he was recuperating at your house when he was ill? 
Do you know what he earns? if he did minimal weeks would this be lower?
Sorry I haven't been much help, it makes me so angry that this sort of thing can happen. The only thing I can suggest is to email our CSA guru here and ask her how the doing minimal hours can be got round....do they have to send in a longer period of payslips? if they do, can he then ask for a revision after he has done the requisite number of minimal weeks? do ask Jean.
Hi Louise.
Thanks for that. Like the part about charging him rent for when he was here! I am feeling much better today. Think yesterday was a combination of everything and really missing my little dude. I've not seen or spoken to him since Friday morning, I feel like my arm has been cut off. Him not paying the money wouldn't have been so bad if he'd had the decency to say something to me and not just not pay it. He even had the cheek to ask to borrow J's annual pass for the theme park so he didn't have to pay for him!
I sent him an email this morning with a list of the uniform on it that J requires. I said that as this weeks maintenance was to pay for summer uniform, as last weeks went on paying swimming lessons, here was a list of what was needed. I said that if he didn't buy it, he could explain to J why he had to go back to school in winter uniform, or I would have to ask his mum to borrow the money to buy it. I hoped they were having a good week and left it at that. I got a reply back saying leave it with me :-)
Good...but it sounds like you need to be on your mettle. Do email Jean if things are not resolved 
He will probably act like nothing has happened. Either the money will turn up in my bank account, or he'll turn up with uniform.
But I will be on my guard!
I hope he does step up to the mark looby
Hi Looby well done for acting on the situation, it is good to remember this next time something arises.
You sent an email and you were clear and to the point and he responded. Well done!
When is J back? When will you speak to him?
J is not back until Sunday. I am missing him like mad. I thought I would have got a phone call tonight, as he always speaks to his dad on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but nothing yet. When I dropped him off Friday I said I would let him phone me as I didn't know what they'd be up to. His dad always phones him at half six. Looks like this is another game we're playing this week. What is with that mans head at the minute?
I text ex and asked why J hadn't phoned. Got told they completely forgot and had had a busy day. I asked to speak to him tomorrow and said that I always make sure he speaks to his dad, no matter how busy we are. Th reply I got was that he always phones J, same time every week, we had said that J could phone me whenever he wanted and he hadn't mentioned me at all! I replied that I had said they should phone me and that I had been looking forward to speaking to him. No reply to that.
There have been times when we have had to stop what we we doing so that j could speak to his dad, or I have text x beforehand and said that we would phone him as we wouldn't be available at the time he usually phones. ONly last week I had text and said we'd phone later as we were going out. At eight I got a message asking if j had forgot to ring him. J doesn't forget. If I don't mention it he won't ask, but I make sure he speaks to his dad.
I think that man has got his head stuck where the sun doesn't shine at the minute. I know I'm probably over reacting because I was really looking forward to speaking to j. It's almost as if his dad doesn't want him to have anything to do with me this week.
Hi Looby, I am not surprised you are missing your little boy!
However your ex is in a completely different world at the moment, he is not used to having J 24/7 and is probably spending all his time and effort entertaining J and making sure things go smoothly!
Hopefully he will see the lengths that you go to to ensure J speaks with his dad on time etc.
How about you texting your ex again and saying that you would like to speak to J this eve at 6.30 and perhaps Saturday at 10.30 (or whatever suits you!), then if that is inconvenient then he can say so. But do state what YOU want. I think it is important that children get to spend quality time with their other parent without constant interruption from the resident parent, however you are not wanting this, you just want to say Hi, by sounds of things.
Now what are you going to do for you, whilst you are child free?
All I want is to be able to have a quick chat with him, in the same way that ex does every week, twice a week , which is what happened the last time he went to stay. We'll see what happens tonight. If he doesn't ring I won't let it get to me.
I am working lots this week while j is away. Catching up which I normally can't do!
Its great to be able to catch up with stuff isn't it!
I think after this week is over you need to restate your wish that you get to speak to J when he is away and it is his fathers responsibility to make that happen, in the same way that you ensure they J is available when his father calls.
Fingers crossed you get a call tonight :)
I got a phone call :-)))))))))))
He had loads to tell me. He's having a brilliant time. He only misses me at night for snuggles he told me, he's too busy in the day, which is as it should be. He did ask if I could have the day off work tomorrow to go to the theme park with them.
I'm a very happy bunny now!!
Awww I am so pleased Looby, it sounds as though that has really made your day/rest of week.
So you can now enjoy the rest of your free time with a smile on your face. Brilliant news!
Hi Looby. I have no experience of child maintenance, as I've never had any. I'm sure though that Louise will be able to help you.