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Hi Everyone,
I have two girls, 6 and 8. My X's and my divorce agreement states specifically that overnight stays will increase with me with the kids' changing needs. We divorced 3 years ago. However, she is refusing (and has always refused) to allow a 50/50 split (currently, it's a 4 nights out of 14 schedule).
The only reason for me ever agreeing to less than 50/50 at the beginning was because someone said that it was important for the kids to have "one place to call home" during the initial stress/transition period at the time of divorce. Now, the kids (and I) want all the hand off nights to become overnights, yet the X claims that this would severely affect the kids, basing it on an article she read in some magazine (that my 6 year old calls "lies").
So, the question is: assuming there are absolutely no legal/social reasons preventing me from having the kids in a 50/50 scenario, such as physical-, drug-, alcohol- or child abuse, and assuming that the kids' schedules require me to drive them around and supervise them more and more in the afternoons and evenings (the X has little to no time and desire to do so - and only picks them up from daycare at 6:30 each night - while I pick them right after school or very soon thereafter):
What literature/proof/documentation can I reference that clearly states that a 50/50 (7nights/7nights out of a 14-day cycle) scenario for kids is better than the 4 nights / 10 nights scenario (4=me, 10=X's)? In other words, we have a situation where the kids are with their mother 10/14 nights = 71% with the mother, and only 4/14 nights = 29% with me.
It has gotten to the point where the girls resent their mom, their mom does not do homework with them, she allows them to stay up late on school nights watching movies, etc. depriving them of sleep, and creating tired, cranky kids for their time in school and with me.
Can you point to convincing articles and direct advice that clearly dictate a 50/50 scenario or something close to it, as well as to any articles that might support her side so that I can knowledgeably understand/argue the point in court?
Thanks so much.
THanks, Louise. My only concern about the girls resenting their mother, is that resenting one's mother should not be part of one's childhood, and I want to prevent that from happening. This is about the kids - not about me or about their mother.
You're right about the legal stuff. However, we mediated a couple of years ago, and the X sequestered herself alone in another room in the mediator's offices and never cooperated on any points at any time. So that was a waste.
I would appreciate links and references to scholarly articles/works/sites that discuss pros/cons of the 50/50 parenting split. It's hard to find. Any suggestions?
Thanks
I haven't any links to scholarly articles, sorry. Maybe the other organisations I suggested have some?
I realise you have the girls' interests at heart, it was just a suggestion as to how to maximise your chances of more time with the girls, to concentrate on the positive. So, you have already tried mediation and you can tick that box if the courts ask you to.
Just another pointer: if you are paying Child Support to your girls' mother then more than a certain amount of overnight contact reduces that (obviously as you are then feeding them etc during that time) and this might be something that is worrying her, that the money situation may change.
I wish you good luck. The system is still skewed in favour of there being a main parent with care and the benefit system will not even provide for a basic payment such as Child Benefit to be split between parents.
Hi there I would also like to recommend Families Need Fathers, they are a shared parenting charity and have a helpline and research etc
Thanks you guys!! Anyone else out there have any links/advice? My daughters are simply heart broken at the hand offs....
The links have been provided by Anna and myself as Moderators of the board. It may be that other parents have some experiences they can share with you.
Hi jlaband
I have a shared care arrangement in place. Four days with me, three with dad. Iniatially, we had a 50/50 split, but I was advised to go to court and get it sorted formally. My ex refused mediation so we then cafcass were involved and we went to court and got the four days/three days order in place.
I think the courts like shared care, but it isn't always easy especially if there is little communication between you both. I think that if you can offer your children more of your time, like collecting them from school etc, then I think that is a valid point to put across. However, looking for articles about 50/50 split is not really going to help you. Contact mediation first and then you can state your points.
Children do resent each parent at times, and say one thing to you and exactly the same to the other parent!! Listen to them, but dont pull the other parent down with them as they need to off load to you. They still love and need the other parent in their lives. My children have tried to stay loyal to us both.
The court process is lengthy and expensive if you can't get legal aid, and it is quite stressful. Much better to sought it out through mediation if possible. My children have adapted, and we luckily live 20 mins drive from each other. The situation is far from perfect though, as communication is nil! The children resent me sometimes and resent dad a bit too in my time. It must be hard for them to adjust! I am so proud of my two, and how they manage the mid week split they have. In the end, as they get older, they will choose for themselves what they want, and putting in quality time with them is a good starting point for now and future relationships. As parents, you should be both working from the childrens perspectives, but I think this (sadly) rarely happens.
Hope you get it sorted between you in an acceptable way.
Yes, it does not happen enough that the arrangements are working from the childrens' perspectives!
Thank you for sharing your experience of shared care, Jack. What you say is very valuable 
Hi
I have a shared care order. What is really hard is consistency for the children. My eldest is 11 and speaks her mind. We had a 50/50 arrangement. She wrote to both my ex and my solicitor begging to spend week nights in my house, so that she woke up for school in the same place.
It has been really hard for my ex to understand that children really need stability and their mum! I know it really hurt him when he had to bring the youngest home one night, because she was sick, and crying for me.
I really don't believe that 50/50 time is sensible overnight for young kids. It is too much upheaval. My ex has the girls for tea twice a week and every other weekend. It is a compromise that works for us.
I do understand how you feel. I miss my girls so much when they are not here, it is really difficult to explain. In the long run though I know I have to do what is best for them...
Hello Adelelien
Thanks for sharing your experience on this topic.. Has your daughter now got a different arrangement that suits her better?
Hello jlaband
Welcome.
Firstly I am assuming you live in the Uk, so what I say relates to the system in England.
Whilst there is a significant move towards shared (50-50) care on parental separation, where there are no risks for the children, this is being very slow to filter through the courts (and let's face it, public perception).
That being the case, the question you ask is a very big one and one that needs to be asked of a specialist divorce lawyer who has access to case law, studies and a wide range of academic research....and unless you are eligible for Legal Aid, accessing a "ready bank" of information is going to be a costly business. You appear to be coming from the position of legal action, rather than mediation. It is likely that if you take this to court, you will have been expected to at least try to set up mediation. You could contact a local mediator (see here) and ask them to approach your children's mother, as then you have done your best to resolve this outside the legal system and can make this part of your approach to the court.
I would also mention that one of the hard things for almost all separated parents is having to accept that the other parent's parenting style is different from theirs. Your girls are still young and personally I feel that bringing things into it like a 6 year old saying an article is "lies" and two little girls "resenting" their mum is less likely to be productive than looking at what you can offer on a positive basis, which sounds like a great deal!!!
I have a few suggestions to start you off on your researches:
Have a look at this website, The Centre for Separated Families, an organisation which specialises in supporting those affected by separation, encourages relationships between children and both parents and there is an informative and practical handbook too. They have done a great deal of research into the issues you are dealing with.
There are a number of dads' organisations, which vary in their style. This one is a good starting point.
Hope this is helpful