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This is kind of a tangent to another post I made here a couple days ago (thanks to all who advised and supported, it's much appreciated).
I live in the south west, and for a long time I've wanted to move to London. When my husband and I were together (we split 9 months ago) he wouldn't entertain the idea at all, he wouldn't even consider moving to our nearest city (which is more of a big town, to be honest) 20 miles away.
Now I am by myself with our two children, who are 5 and 3. There is nothing for me here in my tiny little town - no employment opportunities for me, no choice of schooling for my kids, I can't drive so we are limited in how many countryside pursuits the kids and I can enjoy. My family are mostly scattered across the UK (with the exception of my Dad, my brother and his family). I want to be in the city because I truly feel it would give my boys better opportunities, and also me as well, I want to get a proper education and start chasing some of my own dreams which, quite frankly, is very difficult when you live in a stagnant little town like we do. I'm head over heels in love with London and although it's a hard place to be sometimes, I believe it's worth it.
Moving away would be a massive upheaval for my little family. My own family here would likely hate me for it, and my ex would be devastated. As it is he sees his children quite a lot - he has them every other weekend, and he comes to see them and put them to bed twice a week. My oldest would be heartbroken to be away from his dad, and realistically if we lived 200 miles away the most contact we could all hope for would be one weekend a month if we were lucky (and even that might be a stretch with travel and school commitments), and school holidays.
It would not only mean that my children's time with their dad would be severely cut, but it also means that my own support would go from pretty strong to virtually non-existent. I have friends here whom I love and would miss, and who will often help if I need someone to watch the kids, and I do very much appreciate the time that my children's weekends with their dad affords me. I do have friends in London (I visit there regularly, usually every couple of months) but they are childless professionals. I would need to find a "mummy circle" from scratch.
So anyway. It's a big decision and one that I won't be taking lightly, or making in a hurry. My oldest is old enough now for it to not be an easy move, so there's no big rush. I am not about to move my kids 200 miles away from everything they know until I am certain that it would be a positive thing overall for them, and for me.
I was just really hoping that maybe some of you had some wisdom or experience to share on this subject. Have any of you made a big move like this? How did you handle the inevitable issues with your ex and your family? How did you cope with less support from your children's father? And mostly, please be honest, am I just being incredibly selfish? I just want a fresh start somewhere that will give me and my kids the best possible opportunities to make something of our lives.
Thanks in advance for replies :)
Thank you, it's nice to hear that. I do talk to my friends about it a fair bit and they are helpful and balanced.
It's great that you have friends that you are able to talk to about it.
I don't have any personal experience of this but i have had friends that have up and moved to other parts of the country and even other countries altogether, these were for various reasons, some worked out, some did not.
Have you done any research on living in London or checked out schools, colleges etc?
I have done yes, I've spent a fair bit of time researching different areas and schools etc online, although I haven't done a great deal of exploring in the real. As time goes on I'm realising that's going to have to be next on the list - as is taking the children to visit.
It really is such a long way off. I've also just found out that my ex is expecting a child with the woman he had his rebound relationship with, so I absolutely couldn't leave for a good few years anyway. Hate the thought of my kids feeling like their dad was down here with his new baby while they're 200 miles away and unable to see him hardly ever. I can't imagine how horrible that would feel for them.
It's just nice to feel as though I have a plan in motion... even if it won't come to fruition for a long time.
Hi just_immi
I felt similar to you although I do drive and don't live in Devon. I did wonder why I was here (I live in suburbia, Surrey) and how I got here. This was a lot to do with my mother's influence more so than my ex.
I was considering moving away about a year ago. I thought about moving to a place I love which is about 2 1/2 hours and 120 miles away.
I thought a lot about the children's access to their father. They were 3 and 4 at the time and I just felt that they needed the regular access and that I shouldn't force them into the position of having long car journeys to see their dad.
For me, it also felt ethically wrong to move away from him. I don't think it would have sat right with me had I done it, however, if I had had a concrete reason, especially if it were timebounded (such as I had to move somewhere for a year to do a course which was something else I was considering) then I think I would have been ok with it.
In the end, the combination of them needing to see him and my moral position led me to decide I didn't want to move further than an hour away so they could continue to see him at the weekends, although he wouldn't be able to take to school on his Monday mornings.
Once I had decided that I realised it wasn't worth moving! I work from home but if I had to move somewhere for a job I would. At one point I thought I wouldn't have a job in January (when my youngest turns 5) so I widened my job search. I would have considered any job that furthered my career.
I did worry about lack of support, however, because I have a great circle of friends here who support me a lot. For example, I recently had pneumonia and I had friends doing school run for me and someone else bought be shopping!
I think for me it boiled down to 1) what was best for the kids (this was primarily the access to their father) and 2) what was best for me (career etc. as I would have to support the children).
1) beats out 2) for me apart from if 2) is temporary or a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's great you are thinking all this through. At the end of the day, we are living a new life as Single Parents and we have to design our life the way it needs to be for it to work effectively.
Can you make a list of all the things living in London would give you and see if any of them could be achievable staying where you are or moving to the next town or even a city in the South West?
It's good to explore all the options.
Lots of love
Gem
x
Gem, thank you so much for such good advice, truly. I could have sworn I already replied here, so sorry it took so long! Thank you x
I don't think your being selfish for wanting better out of life for you and your children, your right you will need to way up the pros and cons for moving and staying where you are, it is going to be a tough decision to make.
Hopefully some of the others will be along to share their experiences with you, do you have someone that can remain neutral that you can talk to about this?