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A little background information for those who don't know - My husband I have been separated for a year, we have two boys aged 3 and 6. He lives with his parents 7 miles away, and until now contact has been him having them every other weekend, plus coming here twice a week in the evening to put the children to bed. I had to go out in order to give them time together.
We live in a small town in Devon. I have wanted to do a stint living in London for years & years, when we were together it was something I really wanted us to try and he would never consider it. I have spent the last year visiting very regularly and staying with friends who live there, and I have been slowly coming to the conclusion that I want us to live there.
Last weekend when he had the children I went up there to view a flat (for a council swap). It's a lot smaller than our current house, but it is a beautiful flat in a beautiful location, very mellow and quiet yet 15 minutes from central. The area has a lot of green space, it's right by the Thames (you can see it from the balcony) with loads to do for children right on the doorstep - cinema, swimming pools, loads of historical hotspots and museums and things. The nearby schools are good, and the university is a ten minute walk from the flat - I plan to do an access course at the community college in 2015, and then go to university to train as a mental health nurse.
In the interest of honesty, I told my ex on Wednesday that I viewed a flat, and although I'm not certain about taking it yet, he should know that I am wanting to move to London and although it may not happen for a while, it's something I want to work towards.
He completely lost it, started screaming and shouting at me, flipped the toybox lid across the room, pushed me up against the fridge with his hands around my neck. Stormed out of the house threatening to kill himself (probably the third time he's used that kind of emotional blackmail on me). He's never been violent towards me before.
So of course since then everything has been thrown up in the air. I wasn't going to contact the police but several people advised me to do so, in case he tries to take me to court for the kids later on. I didn't hear anything from him for the 24 hours following his assault so I sent him a message informing him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that although he is of course still welcome to see the children, he is no longer welcome in my home and that he will have to make alternative arrangements for his weekly visits. another day later I got a message apologising - I replied thanking him for his apology and reiterating that I am not comfortable with our previous arrangement any more and to contact me soon regarding making new arrangements. Predictably I've heard nothing - his apology would have been an attempt to get me to let him back in my house again. Not going to happen.
So of course now everything has been thrown up in the air, he still has a key to my house and the police haven't even been here to me yet let alone talked to him, so that's going to be a whole new level of drama. And I have to decide about this flat by Monday morning, I was uncertain before and now even more so. I don't want to let him dictate my life like he has for the last nine years but at the same time I'm worrying that the things he's said are true, that I am being completely selfish and I'll break the children's hearts and they won't forgive me for taking them away from their friends and family. He has never been further out of Devon than Bristol so he doesn't really know what he's talking about when it comes to London as a place to live, but I can of course completely understand his upset and anger at the thought of not seeing his children as much because of me. He and his family are proper country folk, no offence meant by that but they just don't understand how London could benefit the children in the long run.
You read things like this all the time but it's always people moving their kids to a bigger house, out of the city, to be closer to family. I'm considering doing the exact opposite of all of that, because I believe it will do good things for me and my boys, even though it'll be almost impossibly hard at first.
I'm full of so much doubt over it all now. After what happened i just want to grab my kids and run but that isn't going to solve anything, the issues will still be there and leaving under these circumstances could make things much harder for the children than they would be otherwise.
I don't really know why I'm posting. I just feel sick with worry constantly and I'm supposed to make a decision about this flat by Monday morning, and I've been on the verge of a panic attack for days. I just wondered if anyone had any experience of this or any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you. To be honest I didn't even really want the police to talk to him, but they most likely will do anyway. I am really nervous about it but he should be made to take some responsiblity for what he did. I have to sit and answer questions about whether there's risk to my children, because he cannot control his temper.
Unfortunately I am beginning to think that maybe it would be doing something wrong. It's not his abuse that's made me think otherwise - if anything it's made me want to get us away from him even more - but it really hit me then just how difficult he will make it, just how hostile it will be. I don't know if it would be worth it. I have nobody there, apart from a handful of (childless) friends.
I've been reading lots of accounts from people doing a similar thing to me, but the story is always the same - they're all moving back to the bosom of their family. No court would stop that. But a woman saying she's going to move her two children 200 miles away from everything they know, to a beautiful but small flat in London, the reason being that she wants a fresh start in the city she loves and more opportunities for her and the children? I can't see how that would stack up in court. I mean of course I can provide a stable, happy home for them wherever they might be but they have that here already - as well as their family and friends.
Just feel so exhausted. This week has been utter hell, and it feels like it's all been for nothing :( Well, not nothing, at least now he's shown his true colours and as a result is no longer allowed in my home.
Police coming in half an hour. :(
And yes, I would absolutely do all I could to facilitate regular contact. Financially it would be a struggle but as it is I'm spending a fair bit on train tickets to london every couple of months to go visit, so there's nothing stopping me using that money to bring the children to him at the beginning of visits, or to collect them. And as he lives with his family, it would be easy for him to be able to have them for extended periods of time during the school holidays without having to use up all of his annual leave. I tried to explain all of that to him but he started shouting and throwing things around.
Hello just_immi
No-one can make the decision for you but hopefully it is helping to talk things through. Reading other peoples' "worthy" stories is not neccessarily helpful as everyone's life and experiences are different. All that matters is that you make sure the boys are ok and as you say, you would facilitate lots of contact. Either one of you may meet a new partner in the future and that could also affect where each of you lives. Of course it is not ideal but then in an ideal world we would all live in happy ever after relationships and we know that is not what happens 
Hi just_immi, how did the meeting with the Police go?
Today is Monday and you said that is your deadline to let the person in London know your decision. As it is an exchange, I am wondering if you could contact them and say that you need some more time, have they been down to look at your place?
Thank you Louise, you are right of course.
Anna, it went okay thank you. They ended up doing the DV question sheet thing over the phone with me, and then they went out to his parents house to talk to him. I don't know what was said, whether he admitted it or not, but he has informed me that he is bringing a witness with him on friday when he picks the kids up for the weekend.
I explained the situation to the house swap lady and she said I could have another week, but unless ex has a massive change of heart I couldn't really say yes to her. He's likely to do all he can to stop me and that's not fair on her, she needs to get here for work and I don't want to mess her around. So I will let her know for sure by Monday morning.
He has also said that he won't be coming to see the kids in the week any more. He reckons it would be "too upsetting" for them to only see him briefly rather than having him put them to bed. I pointed out that it would be no harder for them than trying to understand why they don't see him at all in the week any more, but whatever. As I suspected, now he has to do something other than just turn up here and treat the place like his own, it's not going to happen.
The boys haven't really asked about him, they have been asking when they'll see him and I tell them when it's the weekend, and they're quite happy with that so far.
I suspect he is planning legal action against me moving away, from some of the messages and things he's been sending. It's not like him to communicate unless he absolutely has to.
Ugh.
Hi just_immi, did the police come to your house at all, or was it just over the phone? I am guessing from your post that they haven't got back to you with any support?
May I suggest that you have someone with you on Friday when he picks the children up as well. It sounds as though he doesn't like you taking control of the situation and is trying to fight against it.
You absolutely did the right thing calling the police and standing up for yourself, so I know easier said than done, but try not to let him intimidate you. It sounds as though the boys are fine and that is because you are doing a great job.
With regards to the house, maybe you do have to put it off for now, or maybe you just keep striving for it, only you can make that decision, however do not let your decisions be swayed by your ex, DO what You want to do.
Tell us how the handover goes tomorrow night, big hugs
Thank you for your support, Anna. The handover went okay, and when he brought them back he apologised to my face and shook my hand. It was fine. He still hasn't been to see the kids since, and handover today was horrible. He was grumpy and snarky with me and seemed really annoyed. My youngest didn't want to go, he cried and cried. He'd been looking forward to going all day, so I put it down to tiredness and the clingy stage he's going through at the moment but letting them drive away with him like that was hell. My MIL text me soon after to reassure me that he was fine within minutes and not to worry.
I wish they were back here with me. I used to really enjoy my quiet weekends without the kids there but lately I just miss them so much when they're not here. I know they need to see their dad too and I'd never stop them, ever. Just y'know. Miss 'em.
I imagine one of the reasons you feel so unsettled when the kids aren't there is worrying about whether they are OK. But you work so hard when they are with you that you need to see this time as a chance to rechardge your batteries and do some things it is hard to do when you are "on duty" as mummy, even if that is going for a striding out type of walk, a swim, or reading in peace and quiet. Hopefully things will settle down with your ex now, it's hard for you but just see how things go.
Thanks for the update just_immi, any other news on the house swap? Are things going any further with the police? Have the children come home again now, how are they?
Wow I forgot all about this thread.
Things have settled down about as much as I can expect. Ex is... ridiculous, as always. One minute he's mr nice because he's fallen out with his on-off girlfriend (one of my former friends) who he's expecting a child with, and the next he's insulting me and threatening me with solicitors and all sorts. It all kicked off last week because I went away for the weekend to see my friends in London and I didn't tell him I was going until the day (I was worried he would screw it up on purpose) and he didn't like that. He doesn't like it when he doesn't know what I'm doing.
Mostly we just don't speak unless we have to and it's fine. But things are falling apart in his own life right now - all problems of his own making that could be solved if he would just deal with them like an adult instead of running away and ignoring everything and acting like a teenager - so he's behaving very erratically.
I stay out of everybody's way here, I don't get involved with town gossip and drama. I have my very little circle of friends and I stick with them and keep myself to myself. Yet i still find myself being dragged into things I know nothing about via him - last week I was dealing with a nasty answerphone message from him because he'd heard some rumours he didn't like (and that was my fault, obviously).
Honestly. Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder how on earth it ended up like this? So, so so in need of a fresh start. I guess this is what happens when you have children with manchildren!!
Ha ha! Hi just_immi, thanks for the update, it sounds as though have made a nice little nest for yourself, right where you are.
Although you also sound as though you would still like to move to London. How are you feeling about that now?
You are allowed to move up there if you wanted to. 
ah, London is such a push-me-pull-me at the minute. On the one hand there's nowhere else in the world I would rather be. On the other, I think about the ton of poop that would land on me via my ex, how hard it would be to be alone with the children with very little support, and of course how hard it would be for my boys and how I could justify it to them.
I feel as though I missed my chance. Just this last month things have changed for them here, they have made friends on our cul de sac that they play with every day after school, my youngest is starting nursery in September. before my youngest wouldn't have really been bothered if he didn't see his dad as often as before but he's suddenly.... Just grown up, overnight, and goes on and on about his dad and how much he misses him.
its just such a hard decision to make. so I guess all I can do is just keep waiting, keep thinking, and hope the answer becomes clear somehow.
All I know is I can't stay here like this, in the house I shared with him, in a town where I feel under scrutiny despite trying my best to keep myself to myself. I want to start again but I do feel like I'm not allowed - even though as you quite rightly say, I am.
Hi just-immi,
It’s a difficult one…..do your best by the kids or keep your sanity? Living in a small place is hard when you are not just like everybody else, I certainly couldn’t wait to leave my little town and….well, I ended up in London…But London is hard, and being without support or family will wear you down, simply because you will end up with little time (or money) to do anything after sorting kids, jobs, rent and trying to have a life…
Here’s a possible ways out: there is a largish town near you, as you said. It isn’t London, but would it be better than what you have at the moment? More jobs and a chance of building your own life away from being watched all the time….and a chance of building your own life away from being watched all the time….
Sergiozed, thank you for your input, it's truly appreciated especially from someone who's escaped the sticks for the smoke! You are right, London is hard, and I can imagine it would be even harder when pushing through that initial isolation that's inevitable with a big move. I'm not afraid of it, I relish a challenge and I like to think of myself as an independent, brave person but it's whether I can look my kids in the eye when they're crying for their old life, and know that I did the right thing. If I'm not sure about that.... then, well, I need to be sure of it. I know that in London we would have the potential to have a life we could never have here, but potential and reality are two completely different things.
Yes there is a lovely town nearby (I'll call it "E"), and on my homeswapper I am down for wanting a place there too. I've been looking there for years but it's notoriously difficult to find a swap out there and I've not had any luck. I will keep looking as it could be a good middle ground for now.
Although, I'll be honest, I was seeing someone for a while after my marriage broke down and he was incredibly emotionally abusive, the relationship ended very badly. He lives in E, and although I hate to admit it I'm scared to live in his vicinity. Even now, when I go up there with the kids on the bus to go shopping, I walk around with my heart in my mouth and feel sick at the thought of bumping into him. He has friends in some of the musicy, arty circles that I would probably end up moving in, and I just know he would jump at the chance to make my life a misery again.
I want a fresh start but it feels like the only way I'm going to be able to do that is by going further afield. And then we're back to square one, haha.
Hi Immi
Its hard when you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, the right solution will present itself. Try to enjoy the here and now and the future will sort itself out. It is a shame that E is where an ex lives. Is there anywhere else?
Not really, no. The only other place I would maybe want to go is Bristol, but that's far enough away for it to be a huge upheaval for the children anyway - so might as well go the whole hog and up sticks to the big city.
Thank you, you are right. I've spent a lot of time fretting over what to do and not living in the present as a result, and that's no way to exist.
Hear Hear Immi!
When I moved to Bristol from London, I thought it was the worst decision I could ever make! The flat I eventually moved to when my daughter was 1 year old, I thought was only a stop gap until I sorted my life out.......roll on 19 years and we are still here! I spent far too long wishing for something that I didn't have.
Anyhow, now my daughter has lots of friends locally, feels safe in her surroundings and loves being Bristolian! I on the other hand am now beginning to stretch my wings and look further afield to see what is next for me, once my daughter moves out. Its an exciting time!
A friend of mine often says Its not the How its the What.....once you know What you want, it all generally falls into place and there is not point fretting over the How. I try and live by this rule now and it is so true. Set your goals and aim for them and you will achieve.
If it is right for you to be where you are whilst your boys are young, then so be it, make the most of it. One day they will have flown the nest and then you are free to be wherever you wish
I love that, what your friend says. You're right, there's no point fretting over it. I've spent so long just... floundering, I guess, in the depths of my own regret, obsessing over all the things I could have done differently and where I might be. I hate feeling like that, and thankfully I am beginning to feel more acceptance about my life and where I am.
What took you from London to Bristol, if you don't mind me asking?
I can imagine it must be so exciting. I honestly can't imagine it, it feels so far away, but I know it'll sneak up on me.
And that's another thing... on the one hand I think, I'll do what everyone says is The Right Thing and stay put for my kids (and maybe that really *is* the right thing to do), and leave London until they've flown the nest. But then I think, will I regret waiting nearly 20 more years for something I've always wanted? Even my dad, who really thinks that I should stay (though has been incredibly supportive and impartial - he's a star), admitted that he often wonders where he would be in his life if he had chosen to live for himself and not just do what was best for everyone else.
I suppose we will always have regrets, and the grass will always be greener. It's not a case of guessing what the right choice is and hoping you strike it lucky.
I'm sorry to keep going on about it, I feel like I must be so boring!! haha. Sorry. It really does help to talk it over, thank you for listening.
Hi Immi, I too spent far too long obsessing over all the things I could be doing and you are right it really isn't helpful! It is what it is.
I moved to Bristol because I was in a really grotty refuge when I was 8 months pregnant and was told that I would have to bring my newborn back there for probably 6 months, I couldn't bear that to be the start of her life, so I ended up homeless in Bristol, where I had some connections. As I say though, it was only supposed to be a temporary option! When my baby was born, I used to visit my London friends, the thing that I found so surprising was the unfriendliness. I would be walking with my newborn, pushing the buggy and smiling and people and I would get blank faces back (I was staying in Brixton). In Bristol people were much more open I found.
I personally think we have to do what is best for us. If we are 'well' within ourselves it follows that our children will be happy too, it might take a year to adjust, but it won't be a lifetime. You never know what is around the corner, so we should live for the moment and do what we want, we only get one life. You will always have your childrens best interests at heart wherever you are and who is to say that moving wouldn't be good for them?!!
You are not being boring, I think that it is good to talk it out, because you need to find peace with this, so it doesn't continue to consume your thoughts!
Hello just_immi
First of all I think you have handled things very well. You have remained calm and have been assertive. The police thing...I had a lot of bother when I reported my ex to the police, simply because he was harrassing me rather than injuring me and they kept saying they woul come round and they didn't. In the end, what happened in my case is that my friend rang and said he was going round to be violent to my ex unless they came and dealt with it! (not that I am recommending that) So, ring the police again and say that you want an incident number and for them to take you seriously and ask to be put in touch with your local Safer Communities Partnership.
Before this incident, you had more or less made up your mind to move and I do not see why this abuse should make you change your mind. I agree it is a great shame that their dad will see them less but as long as you show that you re prepared to make some of the effort as far as travel and travel costs are concerned then you are doing nothing wrong. It may be that you need to make arrangements for him to see them for extended periods in the school holidaysm for example. I would also like to say that if he is that keen to live very near the boys, there is nothing to stop him getting a job and a flat in London himself.
Let us know how things go!