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So my estranged husband embarked on a relationship with a friend of mine shortly after we split up in March this year. They were on and off for a while, now they have split up. He has expressed to me on several occasions that he was going back to her out of guilt, and that he didn't really want to be with her.
Last night he told me that she is now pregnant.
I can't describe how this makes me feel. I'm so angry. I can't believe he could be so irresponsible, how both of them could be so irresponsible. He is still living at home with his parents and has zero intention of moving out and getting his own place (in his words, he'd rather spend his money on having fun than paying rent).
I'm so worried about how this will affect our children, how it will affect the time he has to spend with them, how it will affect his ability to pay maintenance. I'm angry with him for effectively changing my relationship with my friend forever. I feel so incredibly frustrated that I stay here, in this tiny little town that I hate because I want to keep the children close to their Dad, for their sake and for his, and yet he can't even manage to NOT make a woman (who he doesn't even love or want to be with) pregnant.
And to top it all off, I recieved a message from him this morning saying "the situation isn't ideal, but I didn't really want our kids either and yet they turned out to be the best thing in my life". I had absolutely nothing to say that wasn't pure venom so I said nothing. Might have been nice for him to have mentioned that he didn't want our children when we were trying for them.
I don't even really know why I'm posting this. I'm just so angry and I don't know where else to turn. I just want to scoop my babies up and run as fast as I can away from this mess.
Any wise words will be very appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your reply Louise.
I have resolved to deal with this by being as silent as possible. Ex hassling me today with more messages telling me not to ignore him, so I replied simply saying that as I have nothing positive to say at the moment I felt it best to say nothing. I also contacted her to tell her I'd heard, and that I hope she's feeling okay. I've done my bit now, they can both s*d off.
Yes, you're right of course, and I won't ever let my children see my anger over this.
I just find it hard to believe that I married, and chose to have children with, a man with the emotional capabilities of a 13 year old boy. My 15 year old niece is more perceptive and empathetic than him. When he told me the news, he smirked. He actually smirked. I didn't say a word, two seconds later he says "well I don't know why you're so annoyed with me, it's not your problem", then wished me a good weekend and walked out of the door. An adult man would have sat me down and spoke to me properly about it. We had such a good relationship up to this point, we got on great as friends, he was coming around here a couple of nights a week to put the children to bed and he's just completely ruined it all by being such an insensitive tosser. Honestly, if he'd even been just a little more compassionate when he told me it wouldn't have been half as bad.
:(
Hello again,
WELL DONE YOU!
One thing I have noticed time and again over the years is that when partners split up, often the one who gets quickly into a new relationship begins to see their ex in a semi-parental role so they become someone to run to if the new partner is "mean" to them or to ask about practical things in the same way that a teen would consult with a parent, whilst at the same time rebelling like a teen. It feels as if this is what is going on now..he smirked as in "I have been naughty", almost as if he expected you to share in his mirth, then goes off in a strop.
Whilst infuriating, I just wanted to reassure you that I have seen this phenomonen time and again so please do not question your judgement in having married him in the first place nor be too surprised that he seems to have morphed into someone you don't know. It originates from guilt. If you can be "in the wrong" then he isn't, that's his subconcious motivation
What a nightmare, you poor thing. You're handling it great!
One positive, at least you know your friend well. You therefore will know the mother of your children's half brother/sister, which is probably quite useful. You know how she reacts to things, how she behaves generally which has got to be better than a complete stranger......
The other thing I wanted to say was don't fall into the trap of doing things for his benefit (or even feeling bitter because you could be!)
I know you said it's for the children's AND his sake, but actually the ONLY reason you should do anything from now onwards is for their sake. If you need a secondary reason should be for yourself because you are their primary caregiver. In my opinion he shouldn't factor at all.
Just to clarify, if he was a mature, decent. reasonable person it could be different....but he's not so you have to protect yourself from his behaviour.
It's not your job to facilitate his relationship with your kids. You shouldn't hinder it (so maybe don't move too far away for example!) but you don't need to take responsibility for his. It's up to him how he plays it with them.
Yes it's lovely he comes round of an evening - that's great for them - but if that wasn't possible because you moved 50 minutes away access would have to be different.
Sorry if this sounds bossy it doesn't mean to I just feel really strongly about this issue!!
Good luck with it you're doing so so well. I don't think i'd be handling it anywhere near as well.
Lots of love
Gem
x
Thank you so much. And you are absolutely right, yes, I should be putting them first first & foremost. When I think about moving I think about my kids first, then my ex, then my family and his family, and then me. And you're right, I should be up further on that list.
The thing is, if I had it my way I would be moving 200 miles away to London, which is what I've wanted for many years but my ex would never entertain the idea of leaving Devon. I know that I could give my kids such better opportunities there, a real chance at a good future. But going that far away would seriously affect access to the children, and my oldest son in particular would be heartbroken without his dad in his life as often as he is now. I have considered maybe just moving a little closer to the city, as you say an hour or two away, but it seems like such a big upheaval to put the children through to go somewhere that isn't ideal anyway.... oh I don't know, it's a hard choice to make and it's not one I'm going to be making in a hurry.
It's refreshing to hear opinions like yours, so thank you so much for your honesty. When I talk to my family about this stuff they talk as if us moving away is absolutely not an option, and that doing so would be the most selfish thing in the world. I've kind of got myself into a headspace of believing that I am actually stuck here whether I like it or not, so it's nice to be reminded that in actual fact I am the one in charge of making these decisions for my family, nobody else.
Great post, just_immi 
Thank you, you are right of course. And yes that's exactly what it feels like sometimes, there have been times when hes cried sat at my kitchen table because of his girl problems and I've made him coffee and tried to help.
Thank you :) x
You're always welcome, we are here to listen and support and some straight-talking if you need the help
Hi just_immi
I know this feeling well. Happened to me. I refused to have him back I moved on. I knew my friend very well and my children have refused to get involved with her full stop. However they have completely ignored my children they got bored after the first few months and have not spoken to my children for about 4 years - They have no contact woth their 'half' sibbling. To be honest knew them both so well Im glad.
My children are very happy he has lost out on a grandchild and all his own doing. Im not saying this is what will happen to you but be prepared for all events
HM x
I think in these cases, it is rather sad for the siblings that miss out on knowing each other due to the parents bad choices.
Hello.
My ex got a random girl pregnant when our child was just 4 months old .
Although we had already split I can imagin what your going though.
I felt hurt, angry and that our child would be pushed aside. It wont be an easy ride and I doubt them feelings will ever go however you will become use to the idea. Some fathers become better parents and some become worse.
My exs other child is now 1 & the two half siblings have met once but due to distance I know they will not be close at all; turns out my ex is a rubbish father to both his children but I give him credit he hasnt cancelled visits because of the other child.
I think the worst part is another child has come alone which is related to your children but NOT to you and you have no say but I guess an ex could feel like this if you was to have more childen too.
Best you can do is enbrace the fact its happening, after all its not the babies fault but I feel your feeling about the situation is quite normal
Lots of similar experiences here!
sally w i don't think I made a bad choice and find your comment thoughtless and upsetting
Hi happy mamma, i'm sorry if you think my comment was upsetting, i think there may have been some misunderstanding as i was not insinuating that you had made a bad choice, more that the other parent made bad choices that not only effects them it has an impact on others to.
Hello happy mamma, sorry you were upset by that. When I read it yesterday I had thought that Sally was referring to your ex's behaviour and she has confirmed that is the case. He has lost out on contact with his grandchild as a result! although as you know him and your "friend" so well, this could well be a good thing
Hello just_immi and welcome along
How you are feeling is totally understandable. He has added insult to injury with a succession of events. First your relationship breaks down then he starts seeing a friend of yours, he continues to behave irresponsibly, and now there is another baby on the way, a potential rival for the limited time and money he supplies for your children. It is totally Ok to be angry with him and well done for not replying to that message, the motto should be if there is something ESSENTIAL to say then say it calmly, otherwise say nothing at all. It feels as if he is behaving like an irresponsible teenager.
So...a couple of things to say. Firstly DO NOT express your anger to or in front of the children. If they say they are sad or angry about it then yes, acknowledge their feelings but otherwise find another outlet for your feelings...friends, family, and us here .
Secondly, remember your friend is also an adult, it is not all your ex's fault. Maybe you can even find it in your heart to feel a bit of sympathy for her as she embarks on parenthood with a very reluctant dad
Thirdly yes, it may well affect the time he spends with your children. Luckily, however, they have YOU and you are the consistent one. It will also reduce the amount of child support, but then again this is not set in stone, if he lost his job then this would have a worse effect, for example.
In the longer term, you could consider moving away but just see how it pans out first?