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Hi,
I am new today to this forum and hope i might gain a few points of view or comments regarding my situation.
I left my wife of almost 18 years back in May of this year due to having an affair with a work colleague which started back in october 2010 and developed into a full blown relationship. I now live with my partner and her 6 year old son since early July and we are all very happy together.
I have two sons 16 & 14 with my wife and i can contact them and visa versa whenever we wish to, we occasionaly go and play golf or i vist them at the former matrimonial home where they live with there mother. We also have a five year old little girl and it is with her that the mother makes life very difficult for me.
I am only allowed to see her at her house and i am not allowed to take her anywhere else and may i add at this point that for no other reason other than my ex does not want my daughter to be introduced to my new partner or even to meet my mother whom due to a family dispute that i have since resolved since seperating from my wife she has never met.
I am only allowed to see my daughter for a few hours of a weeknight and again a few hours of a Saturday and invariably due to the location of my contact and my ex being present this invariably gets spoilt due to us rowing. My wife seems to want to try and make me choose between my partner and my children and i am just not prepared to do this.
All i want to do is keep arangements with the boys as they are as i beleive that they are of an age to make there own mind up as to whether they want to meet my partner or grand mother but i beleive my little girl should be involved in my new life and she should know that her father is safe and happy and loves her very much.
My wife seems to view me as a cash point (i dont pay maintenance but pay the mortgage, car loan, fuel for the car, insurances etc totaling over £1K per month which is nearly 50% of my take home pay. Shes not interested in me being a Dad unless she can control the situation and beleives i gave up my rights as a father when i walked out on her and by doing so the children.
My wife is divorcing me as i have signed a confesion statement but as above we cant agree provisions for children which i know will be required. My questions are how has anybody else resolved a situation like this? what would a court grant me in terms of access if it has to go that far? what am i likely to have to pay per month if the CSA or courts are involved?
I look forward to any responses and thank you.
Hello Reflex2806. I imagine that your ex is still pretty angry with you, firstly for having an affair which resulted in you moving out, so turning her whole life upside down. I completely understand her not wanting your 5 year old to meet your new partner, but that's not to say she is right. I do feel you have to understand how she, your ex, is feeling through all of this. As for the courts and amount of CSA that you would have to pay, someone will be along at some point who can help you with this one.
Hi Reflex 2806
Firstly with regards to maintenance. With three children, the calculation through the CSA would be about 25% of your income.
You could take the matter through the Courts for regular access to your daughter too.
As you say, the older two are of an age where they can make up their own minds. I'm surprised that their sister isn't wanting to be with them, which in time could actually change things so she is with you more. Or do you see the older two seperately?
On the good side, you do have regular conact with your daughter, so you know she is comfortable with you.
I do feel that you need to accept that your ex is going to be angry, and it does take time for anger to subside.
In my view point, the fact th
at your paying the mortgage, car loan and the insurances is a good thing. My ex had a similar income when we split up and chose not to do what I see to be the right thing. (Now he pays £58 a month for four children!)
So.... In my view point, and as hazeleyes says, it isn't necessary right but you can keep things as they are, with regular contact. Even the maintenance that you are paying is going to help while things do settle.
May might seem like a long time ago for you now that you are 'safe and happy', but I'm guessing at the moment that she's far from even starting to come to terms with things. For me, five months would still be very early days.
By going to Court things could get really difficult. Not saying they're easy for you now, but it could result on things being really unsettled until things were sorted.
Hi Reflex2806
Welcome to One Space.
The separation is still relatively recent and it will be difficult for your children's mother to understand and accept what has happened; you were together for a long time and split up only 5 months ago. It is natural that she will have some concerns about your little daughter meeting your new partner and I would recommend that you and she remain sensitive to that for the time being. In the longer term then of course she should meet your partner and your mother. You say that your ex is being controlling but to be honest she is clinging onto her daughter as her anchor in her new and uncertain world. Give it time. From her point of view you were unfaithful to her and she will feel pretty "anti" your new partner at the moment. Hopefully this will not always be the case, as the dust settles, but you need to be patient.
Re the money question, it sounds as if you may well be paying out a lot more money than legally required. It is often best to draw up a private agreement but of course that implies that both parties agree! As a rough guide, the CSA would say that you look at your gross income (do not count your partner's income), knock off a certain percentage for any dependents you have (if that is just your partner's son then knock off 15%) You then have a new total. If your eldest boy is still in education then you will be paying for three children (normally 25% of the new total) Once your eldest is out of education there are then two children to pay for and this is normally 20% of the new total. That just gives you a rough guide; the website will give you more help, click the blue link.
Re contact with your daughter, of course I can't tell you definitively what a judge will decide but unless there are strong contra-indications (such as you or your new partner being violent or drug users etc) then it is likely that contact will be granted. You would probably be expected to go to mediation before any court case. Patterns of contact vary with the age of the child and lifestyle but as she gets older these might be one weekday night (overnight) and alternate weekends (staying contact) plus a certain amount of time in school holidays. Have a word with your solicitor as to how they think it is best to proceed; it may be that the contact with your daughter can increase gradually after mediation. I know it must feel very annoying to have to "ask permission" to see your own child but if you show you are willing to introduce the change slowly then it might help. There are lots of years of contact or non-contact ahead as she is only five so it is worth trying to do the right thing so that the years ahead can be a better place for your relationship with your little girl.
Hope this helps