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Hello everyone, its been a long while. Sorry, my internet was cut off until last week. Well anyway i had my son :) He was born in November weighing 8lbs13oz and is very, very beautiful. And fat haha.
I have come back to ask some advice. I was wondering what my rights are as in rules etc for my son and his father to have contact. His father is still in prison till April and is insisting on contact. But as some of you may know he is a violent criminal and nearly all his friends and family are. I suggested he see his son maybe on a Friday (when he will get paid) so he isnt struggling with money or anything and i suggested maybe for an hour or even two. But i told him, under no circumstances is he to take him. As he is under the assumption that he can just turn up whenever he wants to take my son out for the day etc. He wrote in his letter ''He is my son and if i want to see him i can''. I also said it will have to be at the contact center or the dads group until my son knows him. As he will be a stranger. I also said that if and when my son is more confident around him, we might discuss him taking our son to the park, or his house for dinner etc. But he was not allowed his girlfriends around our son. And yes i say girlfriends because he is with someone now, but his relationships arent stable ones and i dont want him to be introduced to 3 different women a year. So i said only when he has been in a stable relationship for at least a year can they be introduced to our son. Plus his girlfriends are almost always very bad people. Drinkers, drug takers, criminals. Some have even had children taken off them.
The rules i want in place are -
*Set times and dates
*His dad to be drug and alcohol tested before and after each visit
*No one to be with him while having contact with our son (as in his friends who are also drinkers, drug takers and criminals)
*He is not allowed to take our son out of the area
*He is not allowed to take our son to anyone elses house without first letting me know.
*Any family and friends he does want around our son must also be drug and alcohol tested before and after every visit.
Well basically he wrote in his letter that when he wants to see our son, he can just come and get him. Without me telling him how long for and that. He also said that his (current) girlfriend will have no choice but to be a part of our sons life if he is going out with her. Im getting quite scared. Can i refuse he does any of this and enforce the rules i want. I have been fair with him. I have told him i wont refuse contact as long as it is in a controlled enviroment and that when he does get to see him without contact center etc being involved that i am to be told where and who my son will be with. Am i allowed to do this ? And if he says he is taking my son to see someone and i dont know them and they havent been tested or CRB checked can i refuse ?
hi hun how are u, congratulations on birth ur baby, gud weight lol, u av every right for ur child to b safe, ur ex is criminal like my ex, my ex as tuk me court and so far he isnt allowed contact, i dont want him to av any unsupervised contact at all, i dont rtrust him, we av little girl who is 2, wish i adnt put his name on birth certificate, but he is, but he as violent criminla past, i av non moleststion order agianst him, and residency order in my favour to protect my little girl , he ad double life as well,a ne wbaby i new nothin bout, onlyu found out in court,he asnt seen our little girl over a year,last hearin in feb,he is very high risk to m as well, u av every right to b worried and protect ur child i wud get a soliciter,ur ex sounds like myn dangerous,cafacass dont even recomend supervised with my ex, if he start harssein u when he gets out in april i wud get protection, i think ur gona need it, x
and my ex as dun hair strand test for drugs and did it 4 half months after he shud of dun, so cum bk negative, i ddi one 2 weeks after i shdu of dun, negative,. hes only dun it get drugs out his systemx
Hi Lola Ann Mitzy - CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your baby boy! 
Your ex has very little rights regarding your son as he is not on the birth certificate. He also has no rights with regards to contact with your son either, although your son does have the right to have a relationship with his father.
If you are able to set up an amicable contact arrangement then that would be great, however I fear you are dealing with an awkward customer and you are unlikely to have that much control over the situation. Once he has his child he is pretty likely to do as he wishes. If you then stopped contact, he would have to take you to Court, in this event they may get him to do a drugs test, however, this would only happen the once for their satisfaction, not before and after a visit.
So with regards to your rules that you stated above:
*Set times and dates - - this is a good idea
*His dad to be drug and alcohol tested before and after each visit - it is highly unlikely that you will be able to get this
*No one to be with him while having contact with our son (as in his friends who are also drinkers, drug takers and criminals)- if you have allowed contact with your son, then you have to accept that your ex would be allowed to introduce his son to whoever he wishes (the Court would probably decree this too, unless you had names and addresses of certain people that you know are dangerous to be around your child)
*He is not allowed to take our son out of the area - you might get this through Court, but it would be their decision, if you didn't do this through court you would have no say in the matter.
*He is not allowed to take our son to anyone elses house without first letting me know. - He might agree with this, but you would have no real say in the matter, very unlikely the Courts would agree with this unless as mentioned above, you have proof that the other person would bring harm to your child.
*Any family and friends he does want around our son must also be drug and alcohol tested before and after every visit.- very unlikely a Court would agree to this.
So initially there would have to be a lot of trust between the two of you. How do these responses make you feel?
I think then, that maybe i shouldnt allow him to have contact. My son's father has already given my name and address to his girlfriend. She has contacted me saying she cant wait to be a part of my sons life. Now i still feel this is none of her business. She is not in a steady relationship with my sons dad. She is known to be violent (she bottled her own sister in the face) my sons fathers, brother, was in the property when she did this. I wish i could show you the letters. He has said i have no rights, i cannot stop him from doing what he wants, when he wants with my son. He even went as far as saying stupid, petty little things about football teams he will support and i have no rights to discourage him from telling our son what team to support. He has called me a s**g in the letter. He even called me mone grabbing. WHAT BLOODY MONEY !?!?! He is in prison. He gets no money. And even when he gets out all my son is entitled to is £10 a fortnight off him. And i havent even contacted CSA and i dont think i will because he already told me he wont pay anything for our son. So im scared im going to have him (a violent criminal) his girlfriend (a violent criminal) and his brothers (one who is in the same prison as my sons father for stabbing some poor soul) and the other is a heroin addict who has also been to prison for violent crimes against woman. He has had them all at my door before. Well not the girlfriend, but two of his brother. All shouting at me telling me what to do. While he was in prison, just before christmas the heroin addict brother and the other who stabbed someone came to my house on the request of my sons dad. I was told to leave the man i have been seeing, i was told i couldnt apply for the job in a bar, i was told i couldnt have my best friend near my son because he is gay and i was told if i didnt do these things there would be big trouble. I was terrified ! But then one got sent to prison for the stabbing and i guess the other has no muscle power without his brothers. There is another brother, who is lovely. He has tried so hard to become a better person. he is now in a good relationship, he is working and he insists on coming to see my son once a week. He shows real love and care towards him. But he wont say anything to his brother. His words were ''i love you and (babies name) but its none of my business. I dont want to loose my brother or my nephew'' and i do understand him. In this letter there is this...
''You have no rights (my name) i know i am allowed to see my son when i want no matter time day or night do you think im gonna let my kid be around you to much your a s**g and a money grabber (babies name) isnt gonna be like you from liverpool, oh sorry liverfool (his girlfriends name) will be in his life i will make sure of that yeh what you gonna do ? I will come up to yours when i want cos he is my son and i can i know i can''
This is just a bit of the letter. As some of you might know he was abusive to me and a little violent. So yes i am scared. Why should known violent people be allowed near my son. I know my son has a right to see his father. I called the prison and told them he was being abusive. They said they would ''pass it on'' does this mean his letters will in future be checked or that they will block all contact ? Either way i will be happy. Dont know if i should call them back though, because i think the man i spoke to thought i was claiming my sons dad was going to take my son haha. A lot of these letters seem to be veiled threats as well. I mean he has even told me im not allowed to christen my son, because he doesnt believe in God and he doesnt want his son brought up in a ''Bull**** lie'' He actually thinks he has more rights then i do. He has told me i am using the child as a weapon. Im not, im just trying to look after my son and make sure he will be in a safe enviroment. I mean one of his brothers (the one who stabbed someone) came out of prison last year, had never met his son, went and got him forcibly with his brother by threatening the girl, this was at about 11am he got him. Then dropped the child back off at home at 9pm. The child went to nursery the next day and they phoned her to tell her social services had been contacted due to the bruises on his arms and back. She then got told that she should never have let her son near his father, that she had failed to protect her son and now he is on an at risk register. She has told me the same will happen to me and the best thing i can do is run away like she did. When she says run away she didnt run from the socal workers. She just went to a differnt area. Leaving all her family and friends.
I truely am scared. I contacted a solicitor today. He will meet with me next tuesday and i will tell him all of this. Hopefully he can get supervised contact in place so my son will never be left alone with his dad. I offered the contact center and he seemed okay with it at first. It wouldnt have been supervised. But now i think it might be for the best.
ur ex sounds violent thug like my ex, ur ex all hot air, empty threats,all to make u fear him and b on edge , ur ex as no rights at all he even isnt on birth certificate,and with tht bad atitude he as he doesnt stand a chance ,x
Have you thought of contacting social services? Maybe they can help?
Im trying to keep social services off my back. Thats why i told him we could arrange contact through the contact center. That wouldnt have been supervised, but i think the only way i can keep my son safe is to do supervised contact. He said his girlfriend has rights over our son and that she will arrange things for him and our son. I know she doesnt have rights, but im up against a brick wall. if i do contact center social services might have to become involved as he is a violent crimianal. And if i allow him to come and take our son for the day and that, whenever he wants, then im putting my son at risk and risk loosing not just him but my daughter too. I cant leave my son with one violent crimial never mind two.
i wudnt risk it, i kept goin bk with my ex, and cafcass lady said and judge and my soliciter if i av anythin to do with ex my kids are at risk, now ay im riskin my kids for violent criminal, ur ex is talkin out his arse totally, hes talkin bull, take no enotice, wot hell as huis girlfriend got to do with ur child, naff all, ur ex is violent thug, i wudnt risk him anywhere nr ur child, ur kids are at risk if u let them anywhere nr ur ex, he is dangerous, well social aint involved with me and my ex very violent thug and criminal, drugs weapons violence,cafcasss are involved tho, lady nice tho,
do not even risk un supervised with ur ex or u wil b in trouble and ul b seen as failin to protect ur kids which they wil b right
Hello Lola Ann Mitzy
Wow I am delighted to hear about the arrival of your lovely son, how old is he now? My babies were both nine-pounders so they looked 3 months old as soon as they were born.
You have had a lot of input from everyone and it's great that you have a solicitor's appointment in place. Please keep all letters and text messages as these are evidence. I reckon there are two ways to go here. You could organise supervised contact (ie pre-empt what may happen) but please ask your solicitor how long your local contact centre can be used as some can only be used for a short time. The other is to do nothing at all about contact...but that may provoke an unwanted reaction. Legally, he would first of all need to obtain Parental Responsibility (as his name is not on the birth certificate) then he would need to apply to the court for a contact order. At this stage, you then show your hand and tell the court officers aboout what is going on. If you do this, remember what the court is interested in is not how YOU FEEL about it but what effect unsupervised contact with his dad and the others around him will have on your son.
Please let us know what the solicitor says.
Also he isnt on the birth certificate. So what rights does he have. Am i still allowed to refuse certain things happening or certain people being around my son ? I only want my son to be safe, secure and confident.