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Hello everyone, hope someone can help, I'm new to this.
I have 2 young boys, 4 & 6 who I let have contact with their father whenever he wants. The problem I have is he is hit and miss and i think this is going to have an affect on my boys in the long run. Before xmas he had them stay at his one weekend out of 5, although the arrangement is he also picks them up from school on a Tuesday and Thursday and looks after them until I finish work at 5, I pick them up the other days. This isn't always happening and I am having to make alternative last minute arrangement sometimes, which as you can imagine is very stressful as I don't have a lot of family I can turn to. He will be ok for a few weeks/month, then will be hit and miss for a few weeks. He has now not seen them for over 2 weeks, that is correct he has missed out on xmas and my eldest's birthday. I have got an appointment with a solicitor on Monday as i need legal advice as to what i can and can't do. Has anyone been in the same situation? Can anyone offer me advice as to what is best? I get conflicting advice of my friends and I don't know what to do for the best.
Thanks
Christine
Thank you for your advice, I will keep you updated on the situation.
On Sunday my younger son blamed me for his daddy not being in touch, they obviously don't understand, but the older one told him it's daddy's fault because he is stupid. What can I say to that? I have never bad mouthed him to them and I don't tell them when he is supposed to be picking them up as then they would be even more disappointed. My younger son hasn't settled for 2 weeks on a night because of it, he is starting to now, but then he'll probably see his dad for a while, be ok, then when his dad does a disappearing act again I'm back to square one with him missing him, not settling etc. It's so difficult to decide what to do for the best.
Hi Christine. Welcome along. I'm not, and have never been in your situation, but I suggest you chat to the solicitor and see what they have to say. It's not fair on the children when their dad doesn't turn up, but you're doing the best thing by not telling them of any arrangements. Let us know how things go.
Hi Christine73 and welcome to One Space from me 
It is difficult isn't it, we can't control what our ex's do and the role they play in our childrens lives, however we ache for our children when we see them let down and upset.
I am glad you are seeking legal advice. I am wondering if they might suggest that you go to mediation. Find out why he can't make the agreed times, perhaps you will need to rearrange them.
I don't think stopping contact in this instance will help. Yes your ex is being unreliable, but that is no reason for your boys to miss out.
You ask what is best for your children. They need consistency and they like routine. If you can sort it with ex, then fantastic, if he continues to be unreliable, then they will need to get the consistency and routine solely from you. Hard, I know, however not impossible.
Morning Christine,
Just before Xmas I had to instruct a solicitor to deal with a contact dispute I was having with my son's father. When you go make sure you feel the solicitor is experienced in these issues and demonstrates understanding to your situation, mine was very expensive, felt like i was an annoyance to him because i kept asking for the "best thing to do" and each letter or email costs and to top it off my ex did not instruct a solicitor (they don't have too) so I felt I was the idiot paying out just for "letters" as the solicitor asked me what I wanted to do rather than talk me thru the best responses. Nevertheless the one thing he did drum into me is that if I ended up in court the courts are only interested in what is right for the children and not what I or his father want's.
So if you can get him to mediation as Anna suggested please try, I also keep a spreadsheet of every time he is late/does not turn up/ does not pay etc just in case he tried to show I was unreasonable. Finally, if you stop them from seeing their dad before you go to court this may be seen as unreasonable (unless in the case of abuse) so I emplore you to make this your last course of action. I know it's horrendous when you have the fall out and the blame from your kids but I am afraid it is their frustration with him they are taking out on you and NOT a reflection on you.
You are doing the right thing by trying to find a solution and not taking the harshest option, you should congratulate yourself, but know that it won't always be like this. I think in my situation the fact that I instructed a solicitor was the wake up call my ex needed to realise that I was serious and now life seems a lot calmer already, so deep down i feel that it was money well spent now he understands that he can no longer bully me or make ludicrous demands. (my post was called 'he wants my son at Christmas " ) have a read and hope you can realise your not alone and doing a hard thankless job at the moment , in years you will be proud of the way you handled things and your sons can see you fought adversity head on with respect for their father.
I learnt that from my mum, who never bad mouthed my dad and as a young adult when I asked her the questions about things that happens when I was young, I could not believe the poise and dignity she upheld with court battles/ his random saturday visits that he never kept up whilst struggling to afford food to feed us as he pretty much left her destitute. As an adult I made a decision not to have anything to do with him or let him meet my son...he does not deserve it.
Good luck. FM
Thanks Frustrated Mum, great post.
It is good to read that since you have instructed a solicitor your ex has realised that you have taken control of the situation and he cant bully you anymore.
High 5
Hi christine
I would go speak to your solicitor try and get a legal document drawin up with him to state specific times, days etc. If he breaks this agreement and you stop all contact and he decides to take you to court, this will greatly help your case as the court will see that hes had the oppertunity and not stuck to it. Also write everything down, every times hes late, doesnt show up etc. This can also help in court and its something you can show your children, how inconsistant hes been, if you think apropriate when there old enough.
How would the children feel if you stopped them seeing him though? It had a huge effect on the behavior and health of my children when i stopped them from seeing theres. I stopped them from seeing him because he attacked me and strangled me infront of them. Hes now dragging me through the courts and has been granted access.
Good luck, i hope you get it all sorted soon:)
J x