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Have been a wake since 4am, have to get up at 6.30 so no chance of going back to sleep now.
Has anyone any ideas where I could go for an independant person to come into the home (or us go somewhere ) and speak to my two at home about what they feel about their sister & Dad & how they feel about going up to Scotland to see their Dad & sister & then that person make a report to be sent to ex so that he can see what is actually going on here.
It is the only thing I can think of going as my situation is getting worse all the time, not just for me but for son & daughter here as well. It is effecting them greatly as well as me, it is so bad we feel like cutting them off totally! & we are really worried about daughter in Scotland as well as being hurt by her.
She has been phoning P & going on at her to come up in the half term & going on about me calling me names, telling P she has not got a mind of her own & is a carbon copy of me, telling P also that i am bullying P & she cant even see it & a whole list of other nasty things I dont remember now, i listened to the last call as P put it on speaker phone & we taped it.
Both P & L were asked if they wanted to go up in the Oct half term. P was asked but no offer was made to pay her travel or to meet her, she is to anxious to make a 12 hr journey by coach or train that envolves changing & waiting around inbetween for hrs! she is 16 but has Aspergers, she feels hurt that her Dad expects this of her & did not even offer to pay, he wants her to go 7 see him & make all the effort & pay for it too. P spoke to her college councellour about this on fri & said she felt preasured but did not want to go because of etc etc & he gave her the courage to speak out & tell her Dad how she felt, so when he phoned again & starting preasuring her she spoke out & he was off with her & sarcastic to her. On the same call she told him she was worried about her sister because she had phoned up drunk & that it was second time she had done that & she had been buying fags at school, his reponse to that was to laugh & say it was not true & then ask P if she had been drinking! two hrs alter though her sister wrote on her facebook wall that she was grounded for two weeks! so we know it was true because she also phoned P to have a go at her for telling. however the grounding lasted a day apparently because it was a first offense.
After P had been asked & said no, Son, L, was asked if he wants to go up there at half term with his Nan who has decided to travel up to see ex. son was staying with her at the weekend when he was asked this & was told he had to make his mind up by the end of Sunday (that is when i was due back to pick him up) I was asked by text on GF's phone which i now ignore so couldn't answer, i have blocked calls from it but unfortunatly cant find a way of blocking texts which is what i need more, however they dont know this so hopefully will think i cant get txts either. ex agreed to sort out contact arrangments by email, which he still has not provided. it has put a strain on L who told them he did not know what he wanted to do, but told me as soon as i got back that he did not want to go, but as i can not txt for fear of angry response it means that he is faced with the job of saying no to his Dad as it was him that was asked. he is fed up with it all. his reasons for not wanting to go are that he hates his Dads GF as she upset him when he was there by being bossy to him & controling, also how his sister is at the moment & being in a house full of smoke all the time. he is basically upset & uncomfortable with the whole situation & said he would rather Dad come here without GF to see him, not in our house obviously but to take him out & maybe stay at his Mums.
I have reached the stage where I am honestly thinking of saying L is not going to Scotland again full stop & if ex wants to see him he will have to come here. L found his 3 weeks in summer to much, he said that although he liked being with his Dad he did not like being around the GF & smoke & found the 3 weeks to be to long.
daughter in Scotland put a list of lies on her facebook wall about me yesterday, which P responded to by saying they were lies, as i did not intend to air things in public but would have looked guilty had i not responded I simply wrote that we all love her & I will love her no matter what she says about me.
There is no doubt she has told many lies to many people about me & manipulated which is why i try to tape her calls sometimes. she does not understand why i had no choice in sending her to her Dad or does she, Ex & GF believe that i have nothing to do with P & L opinions & views, they all think I am telling them what to say or that I have gone on about them all to make them think things. I am basically being accused of alienation & manipulation when infact all that is happening at the other end. My two children here have come to their own conclusions without any help from me, i would not dream of putting ideas into their heads to upset them, I just want them to be happy & have a Dad & sister who they can feel happy with.
the only way forward i can see is to find someone to mediate, both children have said they think it is a good idea & would like to talk to someone about it.
sorry this is so long! have been trying to find the time to post & then it all builds up & more things happen.
Refuse contact and then ex will need to go through the Courts. I know the law in Scotland is different though...
Cafcass would then get involved who would speak to all involved.
The children's ages mean that they would be listened to.
Perhaps the time has come to change the phone number, giving one mobile number for contact and keeping that in a drawer somewhere until you're ready to check it.
Hi Pansy
First of all, the edit button is not available when you start a new topic, we are hoping it is something that will be fixed. Moderators can, however, edit all posts even when starting a new topic.
You are asking about a neutral third party, who could then write a report. It's a bit of a Catch 22 situation. If you use a counselling service, such as Relateen, the counsellor is bound by their own code of confidentiality. You could see a private counsellor/mediator, who is not attached to any organisation but then I am thinking even if they do the report, how much weight will it be given? In other words, if your ex and GF are accusing you of alienation, they could just as easily say that as you had organised the "report" it was only ever going to say what you wanted it to say.
With regard to P and L, my own suggestion is that they both write a letter to their father telling him exactly how they feel about visiting. L could say that he wants to see his dad but not GF and that he hates all the smoke and wants his dad to show he cares by coming down here. P might say that she is too scared to make the journey alone and that she could come with her Nan or she could see him down near your home. It feels to me as if it is about dad showing his commitment to them.
Of course, if you do this you will be risking a further barrage of hassle and abuse, but in the end all he can do is to take court action and THEN you would get the third party coming in (CAFCASS) who would interview both parents and all the children....and they would be in no-one's pocket, but you would have to be bound by the outcome.
If you really can't face that (and I don't blame you if you can't!) then you could maybe contact your local Relateen anyway, although if P is already working with a counsellor, they won't want to tread on any toes. However, Relateen are excellent at counselling children whose parents have separated. Click here for details. You can also phone the Family Mediation helpline on 0845 6026627. They will be able to advise whether you could get funding for any mediation work and also whether they think a mediator could help in this case. There is a specialist private children's mediator in your area (click here to see) but the fees are substantial and there is no mention of whether funding is available...but you could check with him. I don't have personal knowledge/experience of his work so cannot comment on that.
I am glad you are not responding to the texts.
Re your daughter in Scotland, the situation sounds volatile and I would recommend that you continue your "I will always love you" statements...it's very worrying for you, Pansy, but your choices re your daughter are so limited at the moment that I would be inclined to concentrate on something you CAN influence, ie the situation with P and L, for the time being and just take things one at a time.
I am thinking all the same things sparkling, but am not sure I can cope with the court stuff & CAFCASS, not after what I have witnessed with BF this year. I now have a very low opinion of CAFCASS! it would be all out war if I take this route, but I am thinking about it.
thank you for your links Louise, unfortunatly I have drawn a blank with them all. Relateen do the very thing, but at £45 a session, which is the same amount as the private one you gave me! also they can only do me tues afternoon (college for P) or wed afternoon or eve (college for P & climbing for L) there is no way I could affoard that each week anyway, maybe a one off but that would be it.
I have written to my useless solicitor to ask her if she can write to ex about (1) not using/ even giving, email address to sort out contact as agreed with our solicitors (2) putting preasure on L & trying to get him to answer before I came back home & not even asking me! (3) to ask for agreement for 14 yr old daughter to travel an hour & half on plane.
The plane has become an issue. apparently her Dad & GF have said she is not going on it alone & I have to go & get her no matter what the airline says. however i have checked with them & she is not classed as a unacomapanied minor at 14, but if I wanted her to recieve the same treatment i.e seeing on & off plane from person to person I can ask for that. even L could go on the plane it seems on his own. It is only an hr & half! she is allowed to take buses in the evenings & go off doing god knows what & get in at 10pm but not allowed to do this.....ummm a case of trying to make my life difficult i think.
I dont know what to do if the answer is NO, is a moral dilema!
have just this sec recieved a txt from ex's phone instead of the GF's which i ignore, to say can L go up with his Mum for half term, so at last I am asked! but dont know what to do, do I just ignore it or simply answer 'no he does not want to' if i dont answer L will be hasseled, but maybe anyway & if I do answer L will still be hasseled & so will I, but then I will just have to ignore the rest of texts I get.
It is so hard knowing what to do, help!!!!!
I need to answer dont i? & keep it short & then not respond to anymore?
I wish I knew what to say Pansy, as it is so difficult... I know something is going to kick off here at some point too.
What sort of relationship do you have with his Mum? How would she feel if you said no? Would there be any hassles with coming back??
At the end of the day, it is up to the children if they want to go, I feel, in view of their ages. HOWEVER, as there are special needs involved, different things can apply.
What does your head say?
For now Pansy, in answer to ex's text, can you just L doesn't want to, and he will write to you his reasons.
Perhaps then this afternoon, L could perhaps write to his Dad with his reasons.
I do think though that there will be backlash from ex, which I'm sure you're also knowing this. Ignore anymore texts after you have texted him the once.
I am shocked that Relateen wanted to charge you that much. I thought there was a concessionary scheme for lower income families.
I told L ex had texted me to ask if he could go & asked him if he would like to let his Dad know, he said he would txt but had no credit on his phone so `i said he could do it on mine, he told his dad that he wanted to stay here for his half term & did not want to travel the long journey in the camper. Ex replied to L & said that is ok, thanks for letting me know & told him not to feel bad for not wanting to come & that was fine. Thank goodness for that! I was worried he may say something to upset L & make him feel bad. maybe he said it because he thinks i have made him say it & he doesn't want him to feel bad, I don't know, but at least L feels ok about saying no.
I also texted daughter yesterday to say hope she is feeling better about things & that I had phoned the airline, i told her what they said & said to her I'm sure Dad wont worry about you travelling alone now we know that so dont worry about it & that I was looking forward to us all spending xmas together. It is possible that she blew what he said out of proportion, she does it with me so why not him, I can't assume he DID say that until I hear otherwise. I will have a go at calling her tonight, now a few days has passed.
L did not go to school again today, he is in a right state about it, it is all he thinks about & he is VERY disapointed with himself & it is doing him alot of damage. I can't let it go on much longer, i think it's time to ask for the educational social worker. I will not drag him in to school or let him feel worse & worse about himself any longer. He had his second horse ride lesson yesterday, at the same place P has her work placement, he LOVES IT! he has climbing tonight, which he is doing well at, so at least her has things he can be pleased about.
sparkling, no my relationship with his Mum is not good, she has always believed everything daughter has said about me for years & her son too when daughter was here, I don't know what it is but she has never excepted daughters behavior was that bad even when her own son tried to tell her, she actually said once " I don't want to know, don't tell me" so we could never speak to her about it. she is not good at facing up to things, i think it's where ex gets it from, she walsed out on her husband & children when they were all little & she has never been able to face up to or except ex's problems either.
we are civil to each other, but I am quite sure she hates me & always has, even P & L find her difficult as she is not understanding towards their needs. P has got to the stage where she can't stand to see her & L came back from his weekend with her & said she kept qustioning him about school & why he didn't want to go & last time he went he was questioned about something else I can't remember what, but he was upset about it. he has told me he doesn't really want to go there anymore, he was also upset because she was sarcastic to P when she picked her up. L picks up on these things & he notices how she is not understanding toward P as well as himself.
I've no doubt the reason I have a good relationship with my in-laws, is because they married in 1989. If The Git's mother was still alive, I doubt there would be any support as The Git was a mummy's boy.
Having said that, I'm so sad she died in 1983. She had cancer. I never met her, but the children do know that Grandma is in heaven.
Hi Pansy
I am glad that L is enjoying his riding and also that his dad did not make a fuss when he texted him. It does sound as if you need to be getting the educational social worker; surely the school will also be reporting in to him/her?
Shame that you do not get on with the ex Mother in Law better but of course when a split happens, often people can take "sides" (quite unreasonably)
Hi Pansy,
There is such a lot going on for you. Have you tried FamilyFund? They offer grants to families with disabled children/children under seventeen. It might be worth trying to see if you could get any counselling funding?
HelenT
Is that for disabled children only Helen T, or for children under seventeen as well?
The Family Fund is only for families with disabled children. Families can apply once a year for help. Remember the holiday thing I was discussing with you, alisoncam? that is for families with NON-disabled children as they don't want to spend resources on something the Family Fund already covers.
Thankyou Louise. Could you possibly forward me those details again. 
Yes, I have done that
awake not a wake, but no edit button! where has it gone?