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good morning
i am new to this all
but i need some help and guidence on what to do if i need to leave my husband and take my 4 year old with me due to his drinking
i will change my user name :)
my family are all in south Africa, bar a sister in Wales,
I don’t think he will be violent, but I don’t think he would let me go with our daughter that easy, as when i threatened it his first response was "you will never leave"
and in a way I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave. but he is an alcoholic and has been drinking since he was 13, and 3 weeks ago while my family were down, he had 3 seizers one, in our car on the way to the out of hours for his shakes, and 2 more in the hospital, but he has been back home now for 2 weeks, and is going to aa meetings but is still drinking, and he just doesn’t think it is going to kill himself, but I know it will, but he can’t remember the week in the hospital, and we are fighting, a lot, we are not getting on, it’s like I’m having to watch every move he is making, and he is getting wound up by it as well, we have been together now for 11 years , married for 2 . I’ve look for help, can’t find a number for al anon in the uk, our friends have deserted us cause they think it’s fun and games to cause s*** in the worst time ever. where do i begin lol :(
that must be really tough for you - it seems like he is seeking help by going to meetings but you say he is still drinking
You say your friends have deserted you - has this happened recently?
Do you think they would be there for you if you asked them?
What help do you need from us here on the boards?
Only you can decide if you are strong enough to leave no one else can make that decision for you
Could you go and stay with friends and tell him you want say a month's break?
yes he had a relapse, last sat, and I know he has been drinking in secret this week. his mom is here to help but i just don’t think he sees the damage he is causing, I can leave, and stay in a hotel or like rented accommodation. my parents have the money and will help in any way possible , but I saw how this had effaced them 2 weeks ago, and i don’t want them to worry, so I have told no one he is drinking again, and I promised I would not ever hide it again and yet I find I’m back to square one, I don’t know if anyone can help me, bar myself it’s just been really nice to be able to write some of this stuff down.
Hi I'm new to this, welcome to One Space, thank you for sharing what is going on for you at this difficult time.
Please feel free to write whatever you need to write on these boards (within reason, of course, keeping it PG rated).
I have lived with an alcoholic and it is tough going. The secrecy, the lies, the feeling as though you are banging your head against a brick wall. Never sure whether to believe them or not etc etc.
You love and care about him, however this is not doing any good to your mental health or that of your child. He is responsible for his behaviour not you.
Here is the website Al-Anon, they have a number you can ring before attending a meeting. I am not sure of their hours, but if you feel at the end of your tether at any time, don't hesitate to call the Samaritans, they are brilliant (although you do have to pay for the call).
Perhaps start this process by getting yourself stronger. Could you stay for the weekend with your parents, just so that you get a break?
Hi Anna
Ive never spoken to anyone who has had an alcoholic partner, I have just taken all my holiday for when my parents came down 2 weeks ago, my work is very understanding, but only to a point, lol
it was very hard watching him have the seizures, and I was so honest with everyone and told my family everything ect and I was getting stronger, but as soon as they are gone I’m lost, I was ok last week but we are not getting on, as I am snappy towards him, I think cause I’m angry and scared as he is drinking again, knowing full well how bad it was, even though he doesn’t remember the seizures, but he is turning everything around, so when I say that he can do it, he needs to stop, all he says is "u lose weight first" or stop smoking ect, and he does deff over power me, and I know I’m too soft but i just worry about my little one. so did u leave your partner then?
Hello Im new to this,
I'm Mary - nice to meet you. Glad that Anna has given you the numbers you need.
How difficult for you, having to manage your husband's alcoholism whilst parenting a 4 year old. You must be worn out by it all. I was in a relationship with a 'functioning' alcoholic a few years back - he held down a job but drank like crazy as soon as he got in on a night, before driving to work the following morning still over the limit...and so the cycle went on. For me, the blackouts were hard too. When I told him how he'd behaved towards me when drunk, he used to tell me that 'That was the past, we should concentrate on the future'!! I didn't live with him, however, & he never met my daughter, thank goodness.
I recognise too the 'lying by omission' - I'd purposefully not tell my nearest & dearest what was going on because I knew what they'd say. I can see something like this going on in your comment "I have told no one he is drinking again, and I promised I would not ever hide it again and yet I find I’m back to square one".
Anna's advice to gather your strength is more than valid; it sounds as though your husband will use every feasible way to keep you engaged in this marriage. If you can get youself as much support - & a place to go? - as possible, you are in a better place to stay strong, for both yourself & your child.
Hi I'm new to this, my ex boyfriend lived in my house, so I had to gather the courage to boot him out, he didn't leave straight away, but after a couple of weeks of me and my daughter living out of a bag at other people's houses, he left as I kept saying to him, it wasn't fair on my daughter to be out of her own home.
Your partner is going to turn everything round on you. He knows he has a problem, but he is scared to address it, so he throws it back at you.
YOu are not to blame or be held responsible for his drinking. You have to keep telling yourself that, especially when he tried to turn things onto you. You have done everything in your power to help him.
I went to a counsellor to get the strength to end the relationship. Have you spoken to your doctor about how difficult you are finding things?
Hi i'm new to this - welcome to the boards - if that is your real name then you should change your user name to something else to help protect your identity
Can you tell us a little more about your circumstances - do you have friends or family you can go to?
Are you worried about your husband being violent if you tell him you are leaving?
Have you made your decision or are you just thinking about it?
You will get lots of support here and we are a friendly bunch