hiya im new to this site and was told to take a look my a closefriend..
about about myself. im 23 and currently living with my family, we are very close - my first baby is due in 2 months (a girl)
im still with the father but this is where the problems start.......
i only knew him for 2 months before i got pregnant (he was my sisters mate), we didnt use protection (stupid i know) and decided to keep the baby as i felt an aborntion or adoption wasnt right choice for me.
my bf already has a baby who was only 4 months at the time ours was concieved (hes not with baby mother)
he has always seemed like a great loving father and sees the baby once a month (he lives over 3 hours from his child so cant see her often)
however he has no family close by and never mentions them as he says they dont get on, i recently found out he doesnt see them as its THEM who chose not to see him as he treated them badly in the past (they are all close to his ex & other baby)
i also found out that his ex left him while she was heavily pregnant due to him treating her & bump badly, taking her money, spending the baby savings and cheating on her while she was pregnant, ive been told from many people that he doesnt hardly have contact his ex to see how baby is ,ive read thou his phone and when he does have contact its only to see how his ex is, never the baby. he clearly still loves his ex by the way he talks about her & cant stop mentioning the fact that she has a new fella - jealous (her txts are clear that she has no feelings for him)
he never visited his baby when she had been admitted to hospital several times(baby has health issues) and basically gives no support or care for their baby. i think he only sees her to make himsef look good...i feel like everything my bf has told me has been total lies
He told me his baby cant travel to stay with him due to health problems, this is also a lie as i found out, his baby isnt allowed to visit as he has to have supervised visits.
he told me he doesnt want anyone knowing about OUR baby , not even his family so its all been a big secret, only my family know & hes told his ex but she has made clear that im not to meet his other baby until we have been together for a suitable amount of time, which i can understand as its hardly a mature relationship and the children are older, plus we live so far apart (im quite large so dont look pregnant).
im moving into a council house once baby is born and he will be moving in with us but he has put no money aside for anything. he also works night shifts so it will all be left to me.
ive find out he has a problem with lying,
he even said he will still be visiting his other baby on my due date.
im not jealous of the other baby at all, if anything i feel sorry for his ex as i now know the truth and hope i dont go down the same road...she seems so strong to raise her poorly baby alone, i want to contact her to find out the truth but know this isnt a good idea incase my bf finds out.....i dont want my child to come from a broken home and i do have strong feeling for my bf, he seems to really love our bump and myself but is it all an act?????
Hi angbubble. Welcome along, and congratulations on your bump. Only you can decide what to do about your boyfriend. Personally, if it were me, I would be contacting the ex, and asking her why he has supervised visits etc. If you're going to make a life with him, you need to know a lot more about him. Do you hate to upset him because you're scared of doing so, or is the reason because you have feelings for him?
You mentioned his brother contacting you through facebook, and your boyfriend's reaction to this. He is telling you what to say, so yes, I would say, that in a way is controlling.
Hi angbubble, welcome to One Space 
I am just going to list the information you have just given us about your boyfriend:
He is irresponsible (he had unprotected sex when he already had a brand new baby)
He has been disowned by his family, because of his behaviour
He poorly treated the first pregnant mother of his child
He is a thief
He is a cheater
He is a liar
He has been deemed by someone else unsafe to be around a baby
He is secretive
He has no savings
He is an easy rider (moving into your council property)
He is not prepared to support you (on your due date as well 
)
And you are worried about upsetting him? Please just take a moment to read that list again angbubble. I have to ask you is this really someone you want in your or your babies life? You need love, care, attention and support at this time and your head and heart are in turmoil.
If you want him in your life, then you need to set up some ground rules before he moves into your home. I agree with hazeleyes, I think he is very controlling. So you need to decide exactly what you want from him in your relationship and no budging.
I am concerned that you said that you don't want your baby to come from a broken home and I have to say this is an old fashioned view.
Because a mother (or occasionally a father) makes the choice, more often than not in their childs best interests, to leave an unhealthy relationship, it does not make it a broken home, it makes it a happy and fulfilling home.
Did you know that there are many successful children of single parents all over the world, look at Barak Obama!
I think you know deep down what you believe and what you think about your current situation, that is why you are here. I think you are daunted by the prospect of raising a child on your own. But you know what - YOU CAN DO IT!! We all have!!
Can I ask where does your partner live at the moment?
Thank you for your replys :)
I can see both your points, however he has not done anything to me like he did his ex- he has supported me throughout the pregnancy and all appointments so I feel I shouldn't base our relationship on his past one!
I have thought many times about contacting his ex (parly as our daughters will be half siblings) however I don't know what her reaction will Be, from what I hear she's a very strong, independent woman who can be very intimidating and blunt, also I feel she might tell my bf as she's made it clear she has no intreast in his personal life & she may be annoyed Ive contacted her (i dont want to annoy anyone) I know she doesn't agree with the pregnancy out of sheer fact she knows what he's like & told him we are both stupid! I also wish to put my name on his daughters bday/xmas gifts as ive seen pics of her etc but think maybe thats a big NO NO ......Ok we should not of had unprotected sex but that's both our faults, things happen in life which we could of made better choices on!
When he told me what to reply to his brother I thought at first it was because he didn't want then in his libut which I respected as I didn't know the ins & outs & it wasn't my business but now I'm wondering if it was because he was scarewho's family would tell me the truth!
He lives in his own private rented flat ATM - he said he's going on visit on my due date as his ex will go crazy and say he is putting our baby first, she says visits shouldn't interfer with their agreement & if he can't handle juggling two children then he shouldnt of had two! I haven't asked him about the supervisored visits as I found that out though other people but I'm guessing he will claim its coz their baby is poorly & he doesn't know how to give the meds etc - he hasn't actually told me exactly what's wrong with her.
I really do want to make it work coz as I said he has supported ME, I've tried talking to him but he never opens up about anything.
Sorry, but I'm going to have to say this. He doesn't open up because he tries to hide things from you, and doesn't tell you the truth. You even said in the first post, he clearly still loves his ex. Do you honestly want to be with someone that is in love with someone else? He doesn't want you in contact with his family simply because he is frightened they'll reveal the real him to you. What do your parents think about it all? I wouldn't let him move in either, there's no rush is there? If I were you, I'd be finding out a lot more about this fella, before making any big decisions?
Oh hazeleyes what a mess. My family doesn't really know the truth, they like him and they think he is a good father to his other child. He spent last Xmas with us and was so friendly and brought round gifts for every1.
I believe his house contract doesn't end until feb next year so I imagin he will be living between homes as he will still be paying rent & helping pay towards our council home. How do I find out more if he's not willing to tell me or be truthful? I don't really want to contact his family as it will word against word, the original people who told me stuff only know these things thou his ex (Im so scared about contacting her incase she bites my head off, I don't want to bring up bad memories as she's come so far since they split & she doesn't need added stress)
He has always been open that he loved his ex (I knew this b4 we got together) & gutted he messed up so badly but has tried to move on as he knows they will never rekindle their relationship - maybe he sees our baby as a way to replace the one he doesn't see often?
Ive only got 2 months to go & so confused by it all, it's a total bomb shell, I know u all think I'm silly which I agree but to be honest I'm not much to look at and always had problems with my weight so when my bf showed an intreast it was like a fairy tail, I don't need to be with someone but now I am I feel it's my only chance and I have a baby to think about, I have family support but if my parents found out the truth they would do my bf some harm. I don't know if my bf has convinced himself that all these lies are true and that he is a good person, he seems to live in a fantasisy land
You're not being silly, you're just thinking about you and the baby. Maybe you're a bit scared to do it alone? He doesn't need to pay toward the council house, as you'd be on Income Support, if living on your own, and the rent would be paid for. Are you worried about the money situation? It also worries me when you say that he sees your baby as a way to replace his first one. This isn't right angbubble, and you know it too I think.
You say you're not much to look at. It's what is in the inside that matters, as I'm sure you've been told. Please don't stay with this man because you think he's the only one that has shown any interest. There are plenty of men out there, and one day, you might meet someone. For now, you should concentrate on you and the baby. Lots of us here manage extremely well in bringing up our kids, and you're lucky that you have the support of your family. They will be there for you, so you won't be totally on your own.
I know you don't want to contact the ex because she might blow at you, but I honestly don't think she would. What reason would she have? I definately would have to find out the exact reason why he has supervised visits with his daughter. If social services are in any way involved, then they could come knocking at your door, now it is out about your baby. I still say that you need to find out everything about this man.
Remember I said in my first post that he doesn't want people to know about our baby I.e Facebook and his family- I feel gutted as his fb is filled with pics & posts about his other daughter (all which I now see as a front to make him look good)
I reason I'm scared about contacting his ex is because she made it very clear in his txts that she has no intreast in his personal life including me & our baby, she said that when she left him she closed the door tightly behind her and they should only have cOntact regarding their daughter, I once commented on a pic of their daughter via Facebook (a neutral friends pic) and his ex went crazy saying I had no right to comment as I've never even met their child & prob never will, she said it wasn't the "done thing" it would be like if I broke up with my bf, his new gf liking our baby's pic (if that makes sence) so im 98% sure she would tell me it's my own fault for getting pregnant by a stranger!
I believe the supervised visits are with his ex not a social worker, as from what I was told he doesn't know how to change a nappy or settle baby due to his lack of support, apparently he use to take baby out but a few things happened and she now does not trust him....
Im very worried about money but what new mother isn't lol
Oh sorry, I jumped the gun on the supervised visits didn't I? Whoops!
We all worry about the money side of things, but we learn to budget well. It's easier I think when the kids are smaller.
He might have a very valid reason for not wanting to tell anyone about the baby, but normally a father would be wanting to shout it from the rooftops. I still think that you should chat to your Mum about things, or even your sister? How do you two get on?
At first he told me not to tell anyone until i was 3 months gone which is fair enough, bbow ow he says its coz his other baby was a difficult labour and he just wants to wait until buba is born but i feel like its a dirty secret - i want to tell the world as I'm so happy :) im starting to think he dont want to tell people as hes ashamed she was concieved so soon and most his friends dont even know he has a gf :(
Myself and my family are all really close and they have openly said we stupid for getting pregnant as I've always been the "sensible one" bUt they have stood by me, my sister is annoyed a bit as she feels I shouldn't of slept with her friend let alone get pregnant by him - I don't want to feel like my family will say "told you so" but I need to face reality however I need facts before I take action :(
Have you met any of his friends now? So, is it just your family that know about the baby? How about your friends? I don't think he's keeping the baby a secret because he's ashamed of the fact though. You being pregnant isn't anything to ashamed about, no matter what length of time you've been with him. Does he take you out at all? What sort of places do you go too with him? Your family are very close by the sounds of it, and even if they said 'told you so', they would soon come around to the idea of another change for you. Will your new house be close to them? You're right, you do need facts, and I guess the sooner it is done the better. You'll have a clearer idea then won't you?
Hope you have a good evening. Do keep posting as others will be around later, if not tomorrow. Take care.
Hello angbubble and welcome
There are so many warning lights here, I KNOW you really want this to work and you are worried that you may not find someone else but you will, there is lots of time. I really would suggest that you do not move in with this man until you know him better. If he has nothing to hide then why not be transparent?
What are the health problems that his daughter has? Surely any concerned dad would know and would be sufficiently worried to a. see the child in hospital and b. discuss them with you. I would be nervous of a man who had to have his contact with his child supervised. When your baby is born, does this mean that he can't cope with her either? If she were ill, would he not bother to see her either?
I am not saying split up with him but I am saying don't throw your lot in with him until you have many more answers...otherwise it is a bit like taking a new job with no idea of the hours, the pay, or what it involves!
Hi angbubble, in regards to you contacting his ex, I wanted to add something.
My ex had a child already when we got together, I used to see him and he would come on holiday with us, I desperately wanted to make friends with his mum, because I thought it would be 'nice' for everyone involved, however she didn't see it the same way.
Now (this was 20 years ago), I can understand why she didn't want anything to do with me. My ex was unreliable, abusive and not a very nice person, she didn't want him in her life and the last thing she needed was someone who was loved up with the person who broke her heart and left her holding the baby.
So although I can see you have a really good heart and want things to be perfect, I think in a few years time, when you know your ex better and how he behaves (remember you are still in quite a magical stage with him) you may feel the same way.
May I also say that now is the time to raise your self esteem...you said that 'you are not much to look at', this broke my heart and you MUST NOT SAY STUFF LIKE THAT to yourself or to anyone else. No wonder your boyfriend is able to come along and worm his way in and get away with giving you half stories if you think that you are not worthy of being loved.
You are still in the early days of your relationship there is lots to still find out, just promise that you will keep your eyes open and be truthful with yourself about how he makes you feel and then act accordingly.
Now how ready are you for the baby? Do you have any clothes or anything?
Hello thank you for your comments
Louise- he says his other baby has breathing problems which often cause her to be taken to hospital and hooked up to oxygen....I've realised contacting his ex would be a big mistake and caurse Extra dramas which I don't need, I realise that this is my problem and nothing to do with his ex as she left him for a reason so wouldn't be right to include her in my mistakes !
Anna- when I found out I was pregnant it was a massive shock as you can imagin but I'm very happy about the idea of being a mummy, I didn't have any savings so a lot of things have been brought second hand or given by family members....most of the other stuff has been brought by my dad with my bf buying the odd bits here and there (he also had no savings)
Ive tried talking to my bf but I still get the same blunt answers only giving out little info.....he is due his monthly visit to his other baby which I don't mind at all but he is gone every month for 2-3 days, I know it takes over 3 hours to get there so I can understand a overnight stay but he doesn't tell me who he's staying with & is out every night spending money down there (he use to live in that area) his vist with his baby is only 3 hours...that means when our buba is born I'm expected to do it all myself for 3 days which annoys me
I forgot to mention before that we randomly ran into his family member (a young girl) in a shop a few months ago (they had not seen eachother in years) this f member run up to him and cuddled him but my bf pushed her off & told her not to do that, he was very distant. he never mentioned I was his gf or PREGNANT which upset me as I don't want our baby to be a secret ESP as he acts the big doting daddy about his other baby :(
Im stuck in limbo as I don't want to make any harsh actions until I see what he's like with our baby- maybe he will change once he sees our daughter and is with her everyday- he says he was never given the chance to be a daddy as his ex left him while she was pregnant?!?!
Hey Angbubble, you have a tricky situation there. To be honest I'm seeing red warning lights all over the place. I can only draw on my own experiences and what happened when my son was born. I was married (just) and he promised to quit smoking before he was born. He lied about it and would smoke when I wasn't around but I could smell it on him. He still smokes now. That was just one of the first lies he ever told me.
What I'm trying so ineptly to say is, he won't change. They don't, any more than we do. Women adjust for their children because they have to and it's natural to do so, but it's not like that for men. My ex used to complain I never had any time for him when my son was a baby; he was jealous of my relationship with our son! Yet if I tried to fully include him in everything he'd back right off. He'd gag at changing a nappy (literally, whether put on or not), make excuses at night that he had work etc and complain if the house was a tiny bit messy.
Do not expect your man to change, he won't. If you still want to give him time and the opportunity to become a good father do it under your own terms. The house must be yours and yours alone, everything in your name. Insist he has his own place until you feel comfortable sharing your space completely with him. Don't give in to his wishes until he has prooved he can be trusted. Above all, BE STRONG! I know it's not easy, I failed on that score, especially with a child on the way but it will be worth it in the end. And raising children alone can be trying but it is totally worth it. Take it from someone with a 17 and 14 year old. I've been a single parent for 13 years and never regretted it.
Hi angbubble, in my experience when men are short on coming up with information then something is not right, my child was two before i found out that he had older siblings and it took CSA chasing him to his parents house for them to find out about our child, has your bf even hinted at why he has not introduced you to his friends?
Hello Sally W, he just says I shouldn't go to pub/bar or his work (bookies) if your pregnant incase something was to happen in a drinking envirement. so obv because I got pregnant so soon after meeting I've never mixed with his friends! I've met the odd one or two but that was before my 3month safe zone...he has met some of my close friends & they all get on.
He has always said he doesn't know much about his baby as his ex refuses to tell him stuff......I know he is obv hiding alot of stuff from me & I need to some how find out the truth but I still don't think it's fair to punish him when I do not have hard core facts or seen any of his bad behaviour for myself :/
We don't often go out as he works mixed hours and some days the hours can be quite long
His best mate moved abroad and they are very close but not even he knows about our baby
Hi angbubble. Your first sentence was
"he says I shouldn't go to pub or bar if your pregnant in case something happens."
Do you agree with this statement?
You also say that he doesn't know much about his baby as ex refuses to tell him, however I think you said earlier, that she does text him to keep him updated, even though he cheated on her.
What would you do if he cheated on you now?
You know he is hiding stuff from you and you want to know the truth, but I don't think you will ever know the whole truth, only his version of it.
You also say that you don't think it is fair to punish him when you have not seen any of this behaviour yourself.
You have talked a lot about his behaviour that to be honest sounds really unsavoury and although it has not been directed at you (yet), you say you don't want to punish him.
It is not your job to punish him, it is your job to look after yourself and your unborn baby and to ensure that everyone in both your lives love and respect you too. When someone is hiding things from you, this is being disrespectful.
I am trying not to be harsh on you, because you are in a very vulnerable position, but angbuble, I think you are in denial, you know deep in your heart that you are not happy, but you are trying desperately to make believe that it will all be alright.
I have done this myself and trust me it doesn't make anything better, in fact it puts you in a more difficult position, because you want so much to believe all the c*** that you are told, that you manage to fool yourself.
What reasons would someone NOT tell their best friend that they are about to bring a new bundle of joy into the world?
I do agree that you shouldn't go to pubs further into your pregnancy-- I'm not saying that no one should as it's a personal choice but I myself wouldn't.
Omg if he cheated on me then I would leave him, I think cheating is unforgivable let alone when your gf is expecting your baby. When his ex dos txt most is very short answers but if im honest when he does actually txt her he doesn't really ask her much about their baby! (I'm only going the the txts I have seen) I think this morning is the first txt I've ever seen where they have been more friendly than normal and most the txt was asking eachother what they are up 2? I've never seen their txts being that friendly b4- strange.......before anyone says it- I know I shouldn't be reading his txts but I thought that was the only way to investigate
I think I mentioned before that I'm not happy our baby is a secret and argued about it But he claims it's because he almost lost his other baby during child birth (his ex wouldn't let him be present in the labour room but he waited over 24hr in the waiting room)
I think your right I'm trying to make out it will all be ok and making excuses for him :(
Hi Angbubble. He must have a day off from work, so on these days, where would he take you? I'm not going to say that you shouldn't be reading his texts, because I certainly would! I think his excuse of not wanting to tell anyone about the baby, because of his ex's labour is a very lame excuse. Don't want to upset you, but that's the way I see it. He doesn't introduce you to anyone either, like the girl you ran in to. What's his excuse for that?
If you were my daughter I'd be very worried about this relationship.
Hello Angbubble
I would be reading his texts too!
You and your baby deserve so much better than this.
I understand why you are reading his texts, however I disagree that it is ok. You need to be going off face value and what he is saying to you and his actions rather than what you can surmise from a text.
It is so horrible when we realise that the person we thought we were in love with, perhaps isn't as great as we originally thought. However it is good to recognise this earlier rather than later. You can keep trying and trying, spend the next 10 years feeling hurt, unfulfilled and dis satisfied, or you can set a time limit. Decide the things that you want to be different. Tell him these things, give him a chance to rectify them, then re-evaluate a month later. It all sounds very clinical, but relationships are hard work and we need to be in control of them rather than letting our heart win out every time, if it is not healthy.
Your baby is coming along soon and from my own experience, I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I could have done, because I was too busy worrying about her father. It would be a shame to see that happen to you too angbubble.
If there is one thing you would like to see him do/act differently, what would it be?
also his brother contacted me via facebook (his ex must of mentioned the baby to him) his messaged just him interducing himself and asking about baby
my ex went mad and told me to only reply saying "we are fine", my bf isnt controling a all, i could sit and squash him hahahaha, but i hate to upset him