Hi
I am not sure if this page is just for single parents but its pretty hard to find something like this out there so here goes!
I have been seeing a man for about a year now who has an 8 year old daughter living in another country, but who he sees regulary. I have met her and we speak on skype. She is beautiful and has been very accepting of me. I am very happy with my boyfriend, however I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had a child with another woman who he has brought up a baby with and who will always be in his life. I am younger than he is and currently at university. I love my boyfriend and want nothing more than a happy successful realtionship with him, however, I sometimes feel cheated out of the opportunity to ever tell him he will be a dad. I come from a very straightforward family and don't know anybody in a similar situation to share my thoughts with, is there anyone out there with any thoughts with how to deal with this situation?
Hi
Personally I think you should be so glad that you've met a man who is proud of his daughter and is being a responsible Dad. OK, perhaps this isn't the ideal situation you were hoping for...
It is a situation though that if you can't accept you may need to move on? Ideally you should be wanting to ensure your boyfriend does all he can to see/speak to his daughter. He's a package... I do feel though that in time it is something that you will stop thinking about as you develop a relationship with her too. If you were to have children together, the love he'd have for a second child would not be affected by the fact he already has a daughter. Also I'm sure his daughter would be so excited too.
Hi Louise and Sparklinglime! Thankyou both for your replies, I think you hit the nail on the head Louise when you said my issue is not with his daughter but her mom and their past together. The constant contact they have with each other is something I have to accept. I'm very proud of my boyfriend and how he is as a Dad, and would hope that I never make his daughter feel threatened or distanced from him. She did comment to me a couple of times that I can't tell or what to do and that I am not her mom, but on the whole she seemed happy that her dad had someone to keep him company in England, she even asked me why I don't move in with him to look after him!
I thought I had accepted the situation until I met his family and daughter. I have never been in a relationship before where my boyfriend's ex has been brought up so regulary in conversation! I think the key is living more in the present, I sometimes think about our future and wonder if already being a dad would make future experiences less special to him. He has reassured me regulary that this wouldn't be the case.
I hope that I can accept the situation. I am flying home for his daughters communion with him in May and I am so nervous about it. Sparklinglime I really hope you are right and I stop thinking so much about it. Any suggestions on how I could speed this process up would be helpful :-) It has been great to get another perspective on this, just sharing my feelings has helped.
I think things must be very difficult for my ex's wife. I know I am very aware of her, and at the moment know I have to step aside from a situation with his father and step-mother, as I am no longer part of their family. If you like, I know my place...
I should imagine that I am often mentioned as I see my ex-in-laws weekly and speak with them regularly. For a while I did have a boyfriend, and he was invited with the children and me to the in-laws for New Year's day dinner. They were all fine about it, and it was me who felt odd about it 
I feel it is where life can be so difficult though with different families being joined together nowadays. It isn't unusual. It also means that an ex will always be there when there are children.
I wish I could suggest something, but I think it is one of those 'time' situations.
But I honestly believe that future experiences will be no less special to him. I personally wouldn't ever doubt that.
I hope the communion goes well. I can imagine how nervous you will be feeling, and really do hope the day goes smoothly for you all.
Hi the new girlfriend, as sparkling has already said this is a time thing, in my case it took several years for me to overcome this issue, but gradually when you come to an acceptance of 'this is the situation' and all is familiar it does not become an issue anymore, i now have a really good relationship with my daughters stepfamily.
Hi all. I have a similar issue..my partner has a daughter with his ex however he has no contact with her. Me and my partner have just had a son together who is 12 weeks old. He is a great dad and i know he misses his daughter like mad. He has tried for access in the past and was denied due to his spiteful lying ex. We would like to try again for access but now 6 years have passed and my partner is worried that his daughter has been calling someone else dad and wont want anything to do with him. I say if he doesnt try he'll never know and at least he'll know where he stands. I dont want my son growing up not knowing his sister. Do you think this is selfish of me to push the issue??? I would love to have his daughter in our lives. Pls help not sure what to do
Hi Helenhawden. Welcome along. Who was it that denied your ex access? Was it the ex, or the courts? I feel that if he gives up in trying then that will say to his daughter that he isn't interested. If he keeps on going for access, she will know, when she is old enough, that he never gave up trying. Your son also has a sibling, like you rightly say. I don't think you're selfish at all in pushing the issue. Have another chat with your partner.
Hi Helenhawden, I too wonder why he has given up on trying for access, it has to be very serious for children being stopped from seeing both parents, unless one of them has just disappeared.
Your partners daughter may be calling someone else dad, which could be seen as a positive thing, as hopefully it means that she has another adult in her life who she can trust and cares for her.
You say that if he gives up in trying to make contact...when did he last try? How old is his daughter?
I think a very important thing that you need to remeber that is that if you do get pregnant with your partner, you will be giving him the opportunity to hear he will be a dad....with you!
No matter what, it is exciting to hear. And will be personal to the two of you, which should be the most important thing.
That is a really nice way to word it, thankyou :-) Helen I don't think you are being selfish to want your partner's daughter in your life, quite the opposite, maybe you need to discuss with him exactly how and why he didn't get access and go from there. Over the last couple of weeks my boyfrind and I have been invovled in discussions about access with his daughter as her and her mom were supposedly moving to Manchester where we live. Yesterday we found out that the move is no longer on the cards, instead they will be moving even further away than they are now. I was beginning to get really excited at the prospect of having his daughter with us regularly and my boyfriend is gutted now that it is not happening.
I can see what this news has done to my boyfriend and therefore can imagine that your partner's daughter not being part of his life must be very difficult for him. I hop things work out the best possible way for you!
My partner is scared of getting rejected. It was the courts who denied him access after his ex told a pack of lies about him (I have varified this with other family memebers of his cos there are 2 sides to every story) She said he'd been smoking drugs. This however was not the case. He got supervised visits in a contact centre 1hr a week but his ex then changed the date and time and my partner was not informed and because he didnt show up at the alotted time he then got refused all access. He couldnt afford financially to fight again in court. When his daughters birthday comes round and at xmas time i see how hurt he is that his daughter isnt a part of his life. We have had huge arguments over this because he says she's not my daughter why should i push for him to try for access...He doesnt see my point of view that its our sons sister and that the last thing i want is for her to be turning up on our door at 18 and saying 'why didnt you fight for me dad'.
arrrrgggghhhh so frustrating.
new girlfriend....thats awful news about your boyfriends daughter..as her father he has rights i would advise taking this further ie: solictiors advise to see if anything can be done to make his access easier....keep in touch and let me know how things work out
xox
my partners daughter is now 9 she'll be ten this year. he hasnt seen her for over 6 years. his ex has now gotten married and has 2 other daughters with her husband. i have emailed his ex via my partners sister and she basically told me to get lost and G (my partners daughter) has a dad in her husband and doesnt need my partner in her life.
would have smacked her lying face off if i'd have seen her at that moment...which kid shouldnt have the chance to build a relationship with there biological father if the father wants to be in her life and will bring no harm to that child?????
Hi I can hear your frustration, it sounds as though there is a lot of bitterness there on all sides.
Your partner is scared of rejection, you could ask him to think about how his daughter might feel.
I am concerned that you are the one fighting for this rather than himself. If he is not prepared to take on the fight then I guess you need to back down. I know you want your child to know his half sister in time, but this isn't your battle and it is stressing you out.
Hello the new girlfriend
Yes the site is for single parents but you are involved in a stepfamily of sorts....Thanks for a really interesting post.
I think it is totally natural for you to feel as you do. However fond you are of this little girl, she represents something about his past (ie his relationship with her mum) that you would rather not contemplate. It is possible that you will have your own children in time, either with this man or another, future partner. That would be great for you, but just think how hard it could be for his current daughter to think of her dad actually LIVING with another child. What I am saying is there are adjustments to be made by everyone as relationships change or move on.
Ok, so you can maybe accept that with your logical mind but what you are really talking about here is jealousy, not of his daughter but of her mother. This is the same as feeling jealous of any ex partner of any boyfriend, except that there is the little girl involved. Many people will say to you "oh well, you knew he had a child when you got involved with him" and whilst I am sure you don't disagree with that, that statement does not really take account of YOUR feelings.
There isn't a quick fix for this one, all I can suggest is you think of things from the little girl's point of view, too. You describe your own family as "straightforward", so try to remember being a little girl yourself and how it would have felt if one of your parents went to live in a different country and then you found out that they had a new partner and you felt worried that the distance between you would get even wider. That won't make your feelings go away but might help you feel a bit more accepting.