Just saying hello new to this, very confused atm hubby left again, i know he will be back, fail such a failure im 50 second marriage i think hes abusive...shout tells me to take my dd who 12 and f**k off in my face, as pushed me down chucked water bottles in my direction, not all the time..maybe im making it sound worse than it is.
Always my fault i wind him up, i dont listen, dont how how im going to get through this, i am alone with a child no parent or friends or family.....i moved away to be with him....crazy i know but too late now.
Sorry if its not making sence hes coming back later to have a "talk " ..he will be either abusive or i shall get the nice talk ...not sure yet.
Feeling scared and alone and stupid but i love him....sorry i feel so pathectic
Hi emsbank. Welcome along. So sorry to hear that you're going through such a horrid time. You shouldn't blame yourself though, you are not responsible for his behaviour. I want to say don't let him in later, not knowing if hes going to be abusive or not, is like waiting for a bomb to go off. You don't have to, or should, live like this. I know it's hard to take the initial first step, but we're all here for you, and lots of outside support too. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?
I hope you come back to us. Take care. x
Thank you rudimentary mary and hazeleyes,
Sadly i ended up letting him back in on the sunday after he sppent the night in his car. I tried ringing womens aid but they were busy and was afraid to leave my number as it is he has seen the dailed number on the phone because i dont know how to get rid of it, but hasnt said anything. Things are quite atm there is an atmoshere from us both i think playing peace maker.
I wish i had confidence to live alone with my daughter, i dont i dread the loneliness of being a lone parent, and seeing no adults im a shy person as it is.
I worry that i cant give my daughter the same as a two parent family.
Maybe it is me making big issuses out of things and beng paranoid like he says i am
Sorry i couldnt get back on to respond sooner.
xx
Hello emsbank, thanks for coming back. You did think when you last posted that your separation would be very temporary and so it has proved. I understand about covering your tracks and being worried about him finding out. Click here to look at some info from Women's Aid about doing this.
It would also be good to find a way to be able to contact them that could remain confidential. Are you able to phone from someone else's house for example? Do you have any family around? Do you work....or if not can you get to the local library to use their computer? You can maybe arrange to contact the local women's aid from a phone box too?
I appreciate you are worried about your daughter but ALL research shows that children fare better with one decent parent than witnessing an abusive relationship. You're her main role model and it is better she does not think it is Ok for one person to behave to another like that. However, maybe now is not yet the time, if there is a possibility of leaving then you need to start finding info and making plans, that's all.
In the meantime if there is any violence then please, please call the police
Take care
hi sorry to hear what you are going through
i stuck by my ex for the kids sake but then it got to a point whre i couldnt cope anymore and dont think they could /should see me go through anymore crying and distress
i think everyone has their own limit or break up point where you think 'this is it- cant do this anymore'
but what ever happens dont put up with any physical / emotional crap - you deserve better- everyone does. that stuff is never worth it .
Hi Loiuse I have no family i do work i could try and use there phone but wouldnt be very private. I will bare in mind about libaray and public phone saying that i havent actually seen a public phone although not really looked.
Already i can feel the tension rising he's like a pan on simmer and ever so ofter it biols over, hence i have stuck it for almost 6 years of being together, keep thinking its mental health and can be sorted.
Hello chocolate thank you for getting back to me, this is my second marraige he is not my daughters father, i was with her dad 25 yrs mmmmm funny how this one used domestic abuse saying thats what he was doing to me.....i dont think he was now. yeah i never had access to money with fisrt husband, and i never really went out but he never shouted or got mad with me. Where its opposite here i have access to money, and he does encourage me to do what like doing eg art class etc. Oh dear this is all confussing, maybe im the one with the problems, my ex use to say i want all my own way, and if im honest because this hubby now has control to all bank accounts i feel he could take every thing if he wanted, im wanting control of my accounts with out him....i dont trust him but thats due to first marrage he took everything, even emptied his daughters bank account. And now i find i dont trust this husband which is probably the cause of the rows i dont know .....if im just making excuses.
I am feeling i cant take this anymore, and that i have had enough, and im not sure which is the worse the silent treatment or the shouting and throwing things !!
I feel im the one who's going mad or who is mentally ill.
He is so nice to other people and i feel like im the cause of his haterad.
I wish i had some family where i coud go and i would just up and leave, but i dont parents both deceased, and basically on my own. He is an accountant and very very good with money and jugling things around ..... i would have nothing he would see to that !
Chocolate my i ask how old you are, im almost 51 and yet feel such a coward that im afraid to up and leave, i would hate the loneliness, its bad enough been alone in your 70's but to start been lonely at 51 omg.
Thanks again for every ones advise and support xx
How are you doing today, emsbank?
Im ok still confused, and dreaing hubbys return from work anytime soon. im working this pm so at least im outta it for a while, although guilty that dd is left with him, although im not worried she will go in her room and watch tv or go on ipad, he will laze on sofa until im back at 9.30pm.
He is telling me that i have to change my thinking and STOP thinking everything is wrong and making problems ...... another way of saying its ALL my fault again.
well the pan has boiled over again.....hes walked out yet again after blaming me shouting at me telling me i need to see a doctor that im the one causing HIS anger because i dont trust him......therw clothes about kncoked cushions off sofa......went poutside and knocked black bin over really angery. Great im out of my mind...... he knws i have work aat 3,30 till 9.30 if i dont go i lose my job, and have no money at all.....is this what he wants ? yet if i go i shall be worried sick over leaving my daughter home alone incase he comes back in mood oh dear, hope this comes on i have posted two other posts and they havent come through
emsbank, it sounds as though things are getting really unpleasant at home.What do you want to do next? Have you managed to contact W.A. yet? I would really urge you to do so if you haven't. Though I understand that it is easy to be coerced into believing that it is you with the 'problem' this is an example of manipulation...you sound perfectly sane (though understandably very confused) to me.
I'm sorry that your posts have been unpublished. There appears to be a 'ghost in the machine'. Both Louise and I are aware of it now though, so we will keep an eye on the situation and let I.T. know if it continues.
Hello Mary no i havent been in touch with W.A yet tbh i dont even know what t0 say to them and what they can do to help me.
Things are unplesant as in im now getting the silient treatment he left this am for his sunday shoot, and just said see you later, usually i get a peck(kiss) before he goes out, kinda pleased in away that he didnt, because its not meant in the way it should be.
Can anyone tell me how the heck i get from loving this person and feeling sorry for him, how i can grow a back bone and find the courage to walk away ?
I have no confidience at all i am even thinkin that my daughter would be better off wih her father who she adores than staying with me and this rat of a second husband !! Because i know its no life for her here.
I find it lonely now while dd is at school im alone and see no one, just have my job so i dread to think what it woud be like just my daughter and I how would i manage with bills etc.....she is nagging now for new bag i couldnt afford that on my own, i couldnt take her on holiday, although i know her father would take her, oh dear so sorry for this post im stuck feeling sorry for myself and dreading the future of poverty and loneliness
Yes I am hearing you feel really stuck, emsbank, it IS scary to think of things on your own, especially with the money side of things. I agree, though, that it would be good to talk things over with Women's Aid. As to what to say to them, it is a case of telling them how scared and worried you feel and what you have told us: that you do not know how to escape from loving him and moving on with your life.
Have a read of this (click) it explains some of the ways abusers behave and of course not everyone fits into a category but it can help you identify the abuse...at the moment you are thinking things are your fault, and they are NOT.
Thanks Louise for the link omg i have read it, and tbh he is a bit of each !! some more than others.
I think i shall try and ring wa now while he is out on my mobie at least i can delete the call then.
Do you know his SISTER has always regarded him as dagger and cloak .....and that she knows all about his moods and that she is there for me and my daughter, she would email and ask how her brother was, i would say oh deppressed got tabs from doctor etc.....id tell her about him smashing the cooker to (two cookers) ib 5,5 years....because of anger., dark moods or what ever. She even said its good how im sticking by him through his depression that if someone had cancer you wouldnt leave.....which is true you wouldnt. Anyway long story he stopped the tabs so he could get his gun licience back, and cliams he is no longer depressed although still has dark moods.....BUT only with me!!!!
Anyhow she has told him about me telling her and how i should keep my marriage private, and that she wants nothing more to do with me and im the headcase.
Jezzzz talk about confussed !!!
Families loyalties can often cloud the truth. After all, no-one wants to believe their brother, or their son, is abusive. Of course it is easier to think of it as an illness, and perhaps he is indeed depressed, I can't make a judgement on that. However, the RESULT is the thing you are dealing with. It's one thing "standing by" someone while they are recovering from, or at least dealing with, an illness. It's quite another to suffer as a consequence of their behaviour when they are not even doing anything to help themselves, ie they stop prescribed medication.
Hope you do manage to make some contact with WA, emsbank.
Thankyou loiuse i have never looked at it how you have described before, its funny really because about maybe 1.5 years ago i went to the doctors with him, and i remember my hubby saying how angry he gets etc.....and the doctor turned to me and said i hope you dont put up with this, then told my hubby tht he needs to sort himself out or lose his wife, thats when he were given meds.
I havent phoned WA BUT i have phoned a support helpline which my work run for employers, and spoke to a councillor, they are arranging for me to have face to face councilling, they said it will help me get my strength back and my power over what i do without feeling i have lost everything. So i actually felt better after speaking to them, im just hoping i have done the right thing 
and that it doesnt affect my job, they did say it was confidiential.
I dont know why but i were asked if i have spoke to anyone else about whats going on like friends family etc.....no idea why, but said i have and that im sort of talking about it on this sight.
Again thank you so very much for your help and support so far your site really is a god send so thank you
You are very welcome. It sounds really good about the work counselling. Try not to worry about it affecting your job, it is not as if you have done anything, what you are going about is HIS behaviour, and anyway they have said it is confidential.
What you said in the last post really struck a chord with me as that was something that happened to me too...I went to the doc with my (then) husband regarding his mental health problems and the doc went through the "you will lose your wife" speech with him too. He refused all treatment and became more and more abusive, and guess what? he lost his wife!
Hi Loiuse it sadly looks like i am going down the same path you have travelled :-( I just wish i could see a brighter happier future, but i can't at the moment ....you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink !!
I'm hoping the councillor is good lol and give me the confidience to look ahead with out fear, childish at my age i know, but its how im feeling.
I have my first appointment on Thursday, im praying its free seeing its via work .....if not then it will be my first and last session.
Wish i didnt feel so weak
It should be free if via work, emsbank. It's early days to be feeling anything BUT weak, so don't be hard on yourself...this is massive, massive thing to come to terms with and although there may be sunnier days ahead it's hard to see them at the moment. I hope that reading the stories of others on here has encouraged you though, and although your journey is just beginning, you are already on your way with your rucksack packed and your picnic at the ready.
Let us know how you get on with the counsellor on Thursday and we are here to encourage you and to talk to at any time.
Well i went to councilling last thursday, very interesting to say the least, she thinks i have been abused in my first marrige of 20+ years and that im not use to how my now hubby is, and maybe im classing this as abuse? A little confused anyway i go again this wednesday so i shall see what she as to say.
thank goodness its free is all i can say
Hi Embanks i can see why you would be a little confused by this lady's comments, though i can see the point she is trying to make, but from what i have read on your thread your current partner does sound to have some abusive traits.
Was your other husband abusive? Have you taken a look at the Freedom Programme if not it may be worth having a look.
Honestly i just feel in a complete muddle i never thought my first husband of 20+ year had abused me....... well NOT untill the last 18month of our relationship, when he started saying i was having an affair and started pushing me, hands around my neck, punching me, then i knew he was and left..... I think the reason the councilor said i was abused was because i told her i never had any money never own a purse so just stayed home worked and ran the house. Where as with this husband he does encourage me to go out, i have access to money anytime i want dont need to ask like i did before, which i stopped asking for because it took the joy away. Yes i have looked at the freedom programme and YES there is some traits there.
It could well be that they are two different forms of abuse, emsbank. There are many people who have more than one abusive relationship (myself included) However, please note that this does NOT mean it is our "fault", more that the abusive person chooses their partner very carefully and can spot vulnerability a mile off. And then perhaps we meet the second person and because they are different from the previous partner, it is even MORE difficult for us to recognise the abuse. No wonder we can become confused! Just run with the counselling...but do outline to the counsellor about the things that are difficult with your current partner too
Hello again im so sorry for coming on here......when everyone else is alone and this person who suppose to love me doesnt give two hoots about me or my daughter, still had the put downs all week nothing new there trying relly hard to stand up to him, but i find it near impossible, hes so clever with words, Anyway friday the freezer door got left open so food went soft didnt know until saturday afternoon, he doesnt want t through anything out...food soft ....so i have said my daughter and i cant eat it and i think its best we bin it and claim off insurance, but nope he says it will be ok....anyway that was one outburst ...now tonight only in 15mins, he had cooked pizza and spring rolls ask if i or daughetr wanted some said n thanks, but i foolishly got small bowl of pop corn cos i was starving ...BIG MISTAKE plate food thrown down on flooor,and in kitchen all because i have a warped mind, and then he told me to f off again, but the full word..... that he cant cope with my mind and my way of thinking that im screwing my daughter up ..............oh god i hope not she is my life !!! i cant cope anymore, sorry if it comes out wrong cant se with flipping crying, hes told me to sell house and go...yeah right if i get intouch with estate agent then ill make thing worse i know i will....because icant do right for doing wrong.
god i wish i were strong
Hi emsbank
I'm sorry to hear you are having to live like this. I can see that you're scared to be without him and that you care for him. Unfortunately, your relationship is really unhealthy and it's not going to get any better unless you decide to change your behaviour.
I have been reading a book called "Codependent no more" which has been really helping me. I'm not saying you are codependent (although you may well be) but I do find reading around the various issues people have has helped me a lot.
Definitely you should know you are not responsible for other people's feelings (good or bad). I hope you do believe that because until you can see that you have to be responsible for your own mental health and no one else's (apart from perhaps your daughter's if she is young) then you will struggle to see the benefit to leaving.
I doubt your husband is happy with the situation either. He is abusive no matter what the counsellor says, but maybe she means you are encouraging/enabling it because that is what you are used to? Nevertheless he should not be speaking to you in that way.
It's definitely worth looking at things like the freedom programme so you can see how your first husband's abuse affected you.
Did you live alone between husbands at all? It sounds a little bit like you didn't get a chance to be a single person and manage your life for yourself. If you didn't, it's no wonder you are fearful.
You might feel better if you get some financial advice to see what you would get in the divorce in terms of property and maintenance. You would cope money wise if you seperated. It's better to be really poor than live under such conditions.
You are worth more than the way you are being treated. I'm sure your daughter would understand if she couldn't have material things - you would be giving her a good role model by leaving. If you were to talk to her about it i'm sure she would want your happiness over anything else.
You are strong. You're a woman and women are strong. We have to be - you've just been beaten down for so long you don't feel it. To find your strength you just have to start. Take small steps and soon you'll get into your stride.
Love Gem
x
Thank you for your kind supportive words Gem, i have never ever lived alone left home and moved in with hubby number one happy so i thought for 20+ years, he then hit me, so this man Hubby 2 came to my rescue, told me how bad hubby one was, how i deserve better ,,,,yeah right. Although i know deep down hubby 2 doesnt like what hes doing, its as if he cant stope the rage he has. My daughter 13 last week, as said how she doesnt care if we have nothing, which im sure she means until she is in that situation then i may change. But no this is no way for her to see me cry all the time, and listen to him shout swear and carry on like a 2 year old having a paddy. im so tired and this bladdy sofa isnt comfy to lay on.
I know i nor we deserve this, but i cant see past the end of my nose, how will i / we be happy, i have no extended family im 50 and just dread been alone, i honestly do not know how i would cope, i have no friends no confidience and im so shy, even my daughter has no friends, i think because my parents both died before she were born we and her have had a very limited experince of mixing with others.
I know i have to be strong, for her its not want i want...and i know have to change my mind set, and stop thinking im losing every thing.....because to be fair hes a fool to himself because im sy=ure anyone in there t-right mind wouldnt put up with this.....and i should be saying to myself its his loss......because of his behaiour, only thats hard to except when yu love them so much. x
Hi embanks have you given Womensaid a call? i think you may benefit from talking to someone who can help you go through what has been going on and to try to find a solution that will work for you.
You can call Womensaid on 0808 2000 247
I think it has come to that sadly because dispite me trying to sleep downstairs last night, and givng chance to calm down he is still in angry mood...can tell via how he is storming around. I cant believe that after all the shouting telling thats it it is over, he swme put my trainers on this orning to take my daughter to school, than asked if he was taking her i said no....so he said good saves me a job, then at 7.45 when i put my coat on, he stood there asking what i was doing ??......then got even more angry......for god sake what does he want....surely he doesnt expect me to forget all about it and carry like nothing as happened ?
oh dear i have done it, i have spoke to a lady at womensaid, she gave me some numbers.....so i could seek hepl on legal information regarding finances but for some reason i ended up ringing domestic helpline and had to answer some questions, im getting one to one support but i had to give my name address so its filed with police system or something like that.....omg im soooooo worried he the police know then he will lose his gun lience and then im doomed 
the lady on the phone said it wouldnt happen and she promised, i hope i can rust her ....never knew i had so mny tears in me.
Hi embanks that was a very brave move on your part, but you have done the right thing this is no way for you and your daughter to be living.
I know your worried that there may be some repercussions for him, usually though when they file things with the police, it's so that the police services know that if there is a call for your address that they are to respond urgently as there is known domestic abuse at your address.
I'm not sure if this would effect him getting a gun licence, you may need to check that with a legal service.
Have you made an appointment to go and see someone soon or will they call you?
Hello Sally sorry i got the service wrong it was victim support i had called after speaking to womansaid. The lady said some one will ring my mobile by the end of the week or begining of next week, still nervous. Hubby still chuntering, and i just dont know how to behave really or wht to say....even saying nothing it wrong/ im going to check out the book gem recomended .....i must be codependant, because of the dread of been on my own.
I would not label your self embanks it is difficult when you have been in abusive relationships to tell what your normal characteristics are, you may have been changing your natural behaviours to get along with your partners in a bid to avoid there abusive behaviour.
Your were also in a long relationship before this one so it is quite normal to be accustomed to being with someone.
If you do give the book a try let us know what you think about it?
Hope someone rings you back sooner rather than later, so you can get some answers.
Hello Sally, well i was very upset yesterday, the councillor im seeing via work thinks im in danger .......great wonderful....that is all i need her having to report the fact !!!
She said it was in confidience, unless of course she thinks i or someone is iin danger....well NO i am not in danger why because 1 I know how to behave ...no thats not right but its a saftey mechanisim, 2 He is not STUPID and knows full well what he is doing, he will not do anythnig that lands him in prison, why because he is a coward and he values his freedon too much.
I thought i could get help....to make me stronger,so that with someone help i could then decide to leave or not. Only now im feeling that i could be forced to leave and that my hand is now been forced, when deep in my heart im not ready to leave....isnt that abuse also ? frm the councillor by forcing the fact ? just a question, because for her to dismiss what im saying ...in my eyes is no different from my husband dismissing my opinion.
I just feel now that i cant trust anyone or speak freely :-(
i have ordered the book its due to be delivered to day sometime
Hi emsbank. I am sorry to read what has been going on for you. You sound as though you are in a very difficult situation and feeling incredibly scared.
I could particularly relate to your comment about not being able to get anything right. This is a common theme with abusive partners, one minute you are supposed to fill up the kettle when you have used it, so that they don't have to and other times, you should only use a little amount and stop wasting electricity. Sometimes you should give your children a lift because it is dark and other times you should stop spoiling them and make them walk........there is never a clear set of Rules.
3 women a week are killed by their partners or ex partners. This is a fact. Your counsellor is concerned for your well being, and she wants you to see the reality of the situation. When we are 'in love' with our abusers, we tend not to see things clearly. You have had many years of practice in keeping safe and behaving in the manner that keeps your partner at his calmest, but you can't deny that your partner is volatile.
Taking this into account, it is still always your decision to stay or leave. Sometimes we need to leave even when we still love the bones of our abuser, because we know that we need to protect our children. Sometimes we leave because we can't seem to do anything right anymore, the bad times have outgrown the good times. And other times we stay, hoping things will change, which they may do for a while.....
I can hear that you feel shocked by what your counsellor has said when all you are looking for is some support to understand your own feelings.
Please dont' think that you can't trust us or speak freely. I think it is really important that you do. One thing to remember that when everyone seems to 'just not get it' Listen to yourself, you hold the answers.
Hi emsbank. i ve just read all whats been going on . one day u will get to a point when your head and physical well being can not take anymore and u will leave because u want a better life and god u deserve a better life u and your daughter . it sounds like she is going through this with u and i know deep down ui dont want this for your daughter. its taken me 15yrs to leave my husband.he controlled every thing in my life and my children. i had to get away for a better life for my and my children. best thing ive ever done. one day u will do this and u will never look back i promise. i now only have myself to answer to and my children are more happier because theyu have a happier mum.i really do feel for u as not so easy like u i thought how will o cope with money etc but so many people out there who will help u.cab have been brilliant.hope u dont mind me joining your posts.
Hello emsbank,
Welcome to One Space. Always a pleasure to meet a 'newbie'
When you have the opportunity, please have a look around the site. There are many, many threads on here relating to similar situations to the one you describe above & just as many sound pieces of advice & observation from other One Space users. I'm glad you've found us - please do feel you can 'off load' here. There will be someone popping on every day throughout the Christmas period, so one of us will read anything you post.
When reading through your post, you sound as though you blame yourself for everything. I know how easy it us to feel that it is 'all your fault', but how are you responsible for this man's behaviour (which sounds appalling, by the way)?
Tell us more about your daughter. How is she doing at the moment? Having a 10 year old girl myself I should imagine she is taking a lot of what is going on in...
It is very early days, but there are some great ways to regain self confidence after emerging from a relationship such as the one you dscribe having with your husband - when you feel up to it have a look at the link I've inserted here for the Freedom programme.
Keep in touch.
M x