Hi everyone,
I've literally just joined this forum and am hoping to get some support and advice.
I've been in a relationship for 12 years and my partner and I have a 5 year old son.I am about to make a big decision and put an end to what I see is a loveless and toxic partnership.
I have no idea how to announce this to my partner who I suspect, doesn't have a clue how I feel - and have been feeling for quite some time.
While I am aware there is no easy way and no ideal moment to break up with someone, I would appreciate any good advice you may have!
Thank you and looking forward to your comments.
Carlotta
Hi Carlotta,
Welcome to the forum.
I do understand how you feel having been there myself several times.There is no easy way of telling your partner that you want to end the relationship especially if they have no idea how you feel. When I left my second husband he had no idea how I felt and it did come as a huge shock to him.
I didnt know how to tell him either and after thinking about it I just told him that I didnt want to be married to him anymore and asked him to move out. Our daughter was 4 at the time. It was extremely difficult and stressful .
He was full of questions why etc but I knew thats what I wanted and that it was best for our daughter that we parted.
I am sorry I do not have any real answers for you but I am here to support you if you wish
I do wish you well and good luck it wont be easy but you can do it.
Px
Hi P,
Many thanks for your post, much appreciated. More than advice, I think I just need to vent my anxieties to people who've been there, done that etc.
I realise I will just have to get on with it, sit him down and tell him.
What I don't know is what to do afterwards: we have a house together, so is it best to carry on living together while we sort things out, or should he stay with his family for a while? What would be best for our son? I just haven't got a clue. I can't go anywhere as my family and close friends all live abroad.
Hi,
I have just gone through this with my ex. It was a joint decision to split this time ( I have been married 3 times never again) We had a joint tenancy so he had every right to live here until he found somewhere else to live. I did ask him to move back to his parents but he said no. It was having a terrible effect on me and my daughter his step daughter. My daughter is 11 and was getting very stressed not wanting to go to school etc it has been a complete nightmare for me.
It took 2 months for him to find somewhere but now he has gone a weight has been lifted.
From my experience and I can only talk about what I went through it is different for everyone.
If after you have talked to him if you feel that you can live under the same roof as each other for a while then thats fine but you need to be able to stay friends as you have your son in the house too. I found it extremely difficult to cope with him being in the house even though he slept in the spare room.
If you are arguing then it would be best if he moved out if you cant.
I do know how hard it is.
You can do it and you will manage being a single parent and yes there will be alot to sort out but it can be done
It just taking that huge step and talking to your partner.
Not sure if any of that helped
P x
Hi P,
I'm sorry to hear it's been so hard for you and your daughter, I hope things are better now for you.
I think it will all depend on how he reacts, I can cope with him being around until we sell the house, as long as he doesn't start picking fights in front of our son.
Thank you
x
C.
Hi Carlotta
Welcome to One Space!
It will be difficult to continue living together after you have told him, and even if he is not picking a fight, there will be lots of upsets that are better kept away from your son.For your boy, it is imprtant to keep him feeling as secure as possible, and one of the things he will want to know is where daddy will live. Your partner may want you to come to counselling or to try to work things out so be prepared for that.
Here at One Space we do recommend that anyone just splitting up should seek legal advice at the very first opportunity. I actually went to see a solicitor about five monthds BEFORE I ended my marriage, as it was one of the things I did, to find out my options. We have a Family Law expert on here and you can email her by clicking here
hi carlotta im new to this site too and havent taken the plunge yet to have the disscusion about things not working and maybe it being time to go our seperate ways we both seem to live seperate lives ive been with my husband since i was 16 and married to him for 8 of those years we have 2 sons one is 20 and the other 11 .
ive been through so much with him the last 3 years because of trusting his judgement but ive had enough we lost our house because of him acting as a guarantor for someone and because they didnt pay there bills we ended up with a big charge on the house so it was decided after 20 years of living in our house that we would hand our keys back to the motrgage company its been awful and i really wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy .
other things besides this has happened but i wont go into all of it and bore you silly i dont know about you but i want my life back i dont really seem to have had one
Hi Trem39
You would not bore us silly we are here to support you, so anything you feel relevant in your situation and that may help you to move forward, or if it is simply to get things off your chest we are here to listen 
Yep, I second that, Sally
Hi everyone,
And thanks fot your posts.
That's it, I've taken the plunge and told him it was over. As expected, he was devastated, and tells me how much he's going to try and change his ways.
For the 1st time in TWELVE YEARS he's told me he loves me and he bought me flowers.
I suppose he thinks I will fall in love with him all over again, but all I feel now is pity. My mood seems to change by the hour: I'm either calm, angry, fed up or depressed.
I seem to be in some sort of limbo: he's still around (we bought a house together) and while it's best for our son, I don't really want him to get too comfortable.
Is this normal? Splitting up and yet still 'together'? Should I set a 'deadline' for him to leave?
I don't want my son to suffer but sometimes I really wish my partner wasn't there, looking at me like a lovesick puppy!
hi carlotta,
im sending you a big hug and a well done for taking the plunge and telling in husband. im in the same situation as you but havent yet found the courage to tell my husband i want him to leave .
like you i dont want him to turn things and say lets try to work it out its gone past that i know he will probably try to delay moving out i dont want to sleep in the same bed at the min let alone in the same house im so fed up with this situation x keep in touch let me know how you get on x
Hi Carlotta, well done for speaking your truth. Of course he will be hurt and feel bewildered, but if you know in your heart that this is over, then the hearts and flowers will only make you pity him, like you said.
When he said he was going to try and change his ways, did you repeat that it was over for you? It is important that there is no doubt in his mind, that you meant what you said. Surprisingly even though we can say it, if we are still living under the same roof and perhaps making cups of tea for each other and other mundane stuff, the other person can lull themselves into a false sense of security and live in denial rather than face the truth of the matter.
You ask whether you should set a 'deadline', I think it is a good idea. The deadline might not be stuck to, but you will be surprised how quickly you change towards him. At the moment your emotions are all over the place, but if you knew that by the end of March you wanted him living somewhere else, then subconciously you would work towards that.
Does he have somewhere to go?
Hello Carlotta
Well done you for gather the courage and telling him how you feel, it is normal to feel confused and for our emotions to be all over the place, it is early days and eventually this will settle.
As you may have seen there are a few on here that have ended their relationships and are still living with there ex partners for various reasons, so yes i would say it's quite normal.
Do you want to give him a deadline as to when you want him to leave? How are you feeling today?
Hi Louise,
Thank you for the advice, I will certainly be seeking legal advice, especially when it will come to actually parting ways. Right now we are in a 'phasing out' zone, we still live together but we're no longer a couple; it seems to be the best option as we don't want our son to be affected (and we don't want anybody to get involved).
We're slowly figuring how to handle this whole mess as best we can.
I've been quite overwhelmed by the number of positive posts I've had, it's been really helpful.
Many thanks
C
Hi everyone,
I've literally just joined this forum and am hoping to get some support and advice.
I've been in a relationship for 12 years and my partner and I have a 5 year old son.I am about to make a big decision and put an end to what I see is a loveless and toxic partnership.
I have no idea how to announce this to my partner who I suspect, doesn't have a clue how I feel - and have been feeling for quite some time.
While I am aware there is no easy way and no ideal moment to break up with someone, I would appreciate any good advice you may have!
Thank you and looking forward to your comments
.
Carlotta