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Hello,
I am new to this so please bear with me. I was with my ex for nearly 16 years (not married) and have 2 children with him. Our relationship was very turbulent for the most part and I often wished he would leave. He did leave however last May and moved in with his new partner whom he had been seeing for quite a while. He treated me dreadfully in the weeks that followed then did a complete u-turn and wanted me to take him back because he had made a 'mistake'. I was incredibly upset and angry and couldn't seem to make up my mind either way because I was very confused. I tried to keep focusing on the bad, hoping I could convince myself that I really was better off without him but I still hurt so much. I know deep down that I am better off without him but I can't get him out of my head. His new partner is expecting his baby which is due on our eldests birthday! which feels like another stab in the back. My eldest doesn't want anything to do with him (she is turning 12) whereas my youngest (she is 7) still wants to see him. I have been left with all the financial stresses and worries and my children are fed up with 'grumpy mum'. This new child will get everything mine didn't and it hurts. To make things worse, his family won't talk to me. I haven't done anything wrong and didn't cause the break-up yet I am the one being punished. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. I spent almost 16 years with one person, gave up everything to be with him. I was at my best and now I just feel nothing but overwhelming sadness. I am being bad-mouthed by his mother and goodness knows what he is telling everyone else about me. I want to move on but I am finding it so difficult. My children haven't met 'her' yet but I know it will happen soon and I am dreading it. Emotionally I am all over the place. I am either very tearful and upset, or bitter and angry. He seems to have been given a pat on the back..Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I would never speak ill of him or his new partner in front of the children and they are my priority but it is difficult trying to maintain my 'everything is fine' face.
Hi,
Thanks for your reply. He has debts (one of which is a secured loan against the house). He has said that he is willing to sign the house over and not take any equity providing I take over all the bills (which I pay anyway) and pay off his loan. Which is around 19k. I am struggling to find a lender who will give me a mortgage as I am not working due to a disability. He is paying me maintenance for now but the CSA have no authority over him as his company is based overseas, so realistically he can stop paying it whenever he likes and ther's nothing I can do about it which is sickening as he will have around 5k a month to 'play with' and I will be scraping the bottom of the barrel. It's just horrible and I do get bitter, especially about the money and the fact that his family have 'written me off'. My children are my life and I want to give them everything I can but I worry that they will have so much fun with him and get spoiled rotten that they won't want to live with me anymore. They say money isn't everything but these days, it is almost everything.. I keep hoping that it will all go wrong for him and that things will get better for me. I am the one who has suffered, I am the one who is being punished and I am the one who has to struggle. He has the sun constantly shining for him whereas I am followed around by a great big storm cloud. I do appreciate your input and I apologise for being so negative and grumpy but it is my state of mind at the moment.
It's understandable you are feeling so low.
As for that 'fear' that they can have a better life with their Father, I know what you're coming from.
I left The Git seven years and four months ago, and still have those fears. He told me he'd chosen a new path in life and I had to deal with it. While I could deal with his "real life" friends, it was one he got involved with on the internet that I couldn't deal with!
The house and my car that I worked so hard to pay for had to be sold to clear his debts. My sister had worked out a way for me to keep the house (sadly and endowment mortgage, as we'd been paying the mortgage for 20 years), but it would have meant The Git taking on his own debts - which he of course refused to do.
I think it was possibly about four years before I actually came to terms with things - not that I was down for four years, I wasn't. I think for the anger to subside. I'll always be bitter having lost everything though.
Don't be hard on yourself, and please don't apologise for being down.
Thanks,
It is just so unfair. I never did anything wrong and I certainly never cheated and yet i am the bad guy and I am the one who stands to lose everything while he gets a new start and a new life, plus a better credit rating! I know that I have to just accept things and not be bitter but it is so hard and the annoying thing is I still care for him! Why?
Hi bizzybee
Well there isn't an answer to that one and that is what is so frustrating!!!
I do recommend that you get some advice about your finances from your local Citizen's Advice Bureau and if you have any specific queries then click here to get in touch with our own 1-2-1 Money Advice Service. You have to take a long hard look at income and housing.
Your children may well enjoy the material benefits of his better income but this will not compensate for your steady love and even if they seem to get distracted as they get older, in truth children are very perceptive and will see things for what they are.
Do not hesitate to get som support for yourself through all this, in terms of counselling via your GP as well as family and friends, it can be a long haul but you will get there, just try and get the practical bits sorted first as this will remove a lot of the potential stresses 
Hi bizzybee, welcome! Thanks for sharing what is going on for you.
My first thought regarding the house is to contact Shelter, they have excellent information regarding housing and the breakdown of a relationship. They also have a freefone helpline too.
Your ex has treated you badly throughout your relationship and you know that and you know his personality, it is highly likely that he has fed his family a bunch of lies about you, to make himself look good. There is nothing you can really do about this, other than perhaps write a letter to a member who you had a good relationship with and let them know that you want to keep contact open and no hard feelings.
I completely remember that feeling of still loving an ex that treated me very badly and recently have learned about post traumatic stress disorder and stockholm syndrome. The bottom line is that when you have lived in fear, uncertainty or lies, as soon as the person who is the cause of all this behaves well, we perceive it in a heightened way and think that they are wonderful. (Bonkers psychology, I know!)
So I am thinnking because your ex is now being seen as a wonderful new partner, who is now going to be a fabulous great new dad, you are remembering how you used to feel about him and feel that it is unfair that he is now the man that you always believed him to be. However a leopard very rarely changes his spots and the new partner and baby will soon find out what he is really like.
You know in your heart that he is not the best partner in life for you to have. Don't wish bad on him, your life is going to change for the better over the years, what goes around comes around and his time will come. Firstly he is not going to have the wonderful relationship with his two girls that you will have.
Sorry I have gone on, but lastly, great idea about telling the girls that you are sorry for being a grumpy mum and how about having a pizza and film night. What is great about being a single parent is that you can do what you want now! Have a look at The best thing about being a single parent is? thread and see if you can identify with any of the comments
Thank you so much for that.
I know that he is a bad'un and always will be. I am angry with myself for sticking it out for so long but I really did believe I could change him. One thing I have learned is that no matter how old you are, you should always listen to the advice of your mother because mine was right all along. I hope my girls will listen to me.. My mum gave me some advice the other day. Only four words but it is true enough. 'Sit back and watch'. I was on medication for most of our relationship for various things: depression, anxiety, insomnia etc. I decided to come off them a month ago (which isn't advisable until you have seen your G.P) and after a rough couple of weeks dealing with the withdrawal, I do feel so much better. It was being in a relationship with him that caused the depressive illnesses in the first place. I know many people are of the idea that women who stay in relationships like that, knowing what their partner is like, are stupid. I was probably of that opinion too but even with all their flaws, you are distracted by the glimpses of a fairly good person and it is difficult to see past that. I wanted my children to have a stable family life but I realise it is more stable without him. I hate myself for still caring for him, for being jealous of 'her' and the new baby and for all the money he is warming him bum on. I just want to be able to walk past them down the street and be able to say 'hi' with a smile and saunter off. I know the road ahead is going to be emotionally very tough as my girls haven't even met her yet and the baby is due on my daughter's birthday. I hope that my girls can't be 'bought' by them and see me as the poor left over.
Hi buzzybee. Welcome along. I don't see you as stupid at all. I see you as a brave lady, who despite still having feelings for this man, you stood your ground after he left you, and didn't take him back. You're not letting your heart rule your head, even though you want to at times. Your mum is right, 'sit back and watch'. He might be playing happy families at the moment, but it will change. As for his side of the family, if you always got on with them beforehand, I would do as Anna suggested, perhaps write a letter to them. Have they seen the children since the split? Take care. xx
Hi hazeleyes,
I always got on well with his side of the family, better than they did with him! Almost 16 years later and they don't want to know me. They have barely seen the children since he left and haven't bothered to find out how I am coping which speaks volumes. I find it very upsetting that they are 'blanking' me like this and above all, so disappointing but perhaps it runs in the family. The lies, deceit and adultery certainly do. I should have read the warning signs. His mother actually did ring me last week and went bananas at me. She called me a bad mother and so on which is so hurtful as I most certainly am not. I don't really think that writing to them will help any because they will almost certainly show it to him and that will only give him more ammunition, besides, he'll tell them that I am lying..I can't help but feel let down, not only by him, but all of them. His mother actually said, 'we all know what he's like..people cheat, it's a way of life, get over it..'. Unbelievable. Am I just a complete idiot then? I am just supposed to take it with a smile and allow them to see my children. Sticks and stones at this moment in time would be preferable because those words completely hurt me. I wouldn't say I was brave (but thank you for the compliment) but I am very stubborn and felt almost like I shouldn't take him back to be an example to my children, to show them that it is wrong to be treated like that and that there are no excuses for it and that you are worth more than that and once the signs are there, walk away and stay away. I would hate it if my girls were treated horribly, then took them back. Shame I didn't listen to my own advice. To be honest, I did think about it and still do but I couldn't live with the mistrust and the icing on the cake was finding out 'she' was pregnant. I hate it that I still have conflicting emotions. One moment I am bitter and full of loathing, the next I am crying my eyes out ,wondering what might have been. Having said that, I found a link through another 'thread' (is that what you call it?) about a woman who came up with types of men, I think she carried out studies with male prisoners and counselled them. There are quite a few different types and it was worrying how many categories my ex fits into. I am an honest, genuine person with good morals and values and I don't wish ill on anyone but secretly I really do hope it all goes pear-shaped for him. It is a bad thing to say I know but whay am I the victim, the loser, the bad person getting all the blame and all the hassle in between? Anyway, ranted enough..thank you for your reply and sorry for the long winded reply. You all seem like nice people and I think it's done me good today to get a few things off my chest and to realise that I am not alone. Maybe it is self-help of a sort. I just want him out of my head!!!!
Thanks everyone for today. I'm sure I'll be back soon..
I think it does help being able to write things down and know that those reading it do sort of understand...
Do come back.
Maybe his Mother is so embarrassed at what her son has done, having an affair etc, that, rather than put the blame on him, she is turning it on you. I wouldn't let her words worry you in the slightest, if fact I would have put the phone down on her Yes, do come back and keep posting. Take care
Hi bizzybee, love your avatar! And 'yes' it is a thread
The different types of personas of abusive people is from a course called the Freedom Programme, if you have any free time then it would great for you to attend your local group. I have delivered it to over 100 women and seen great changes in them, it is so enlightening and empowering and it has touched every single one of them. Many women were taking anti depressants for years, only to realise later that they were self medicating to cope with the chaotic/emotionally ill balanced life they were living.
You know your ex's family best and if feel that writing to your ex's family will give them ammunition, then you are probably right! Do the children ever ask for their Nanna? Or aunties or uncles?
I agree with your mother in law though, people do cheat, but those are the ones we that don't deserve respect or the love and support of a good woman/man. But as they say, a mothers love can see no bounds! But as a partner we don't have to live with it.
It is understandable that you are emotionally all over the place, you have been with this person for 16 years, you have built a life, a family and a home and even though there were times you weren't very happy, it was what you made it and you accepted your lot. I think we feel cheated, we have put up with all that, for so long, to then be left with nothing.
However bizzybee, trust me, your life will change, it will expand, you might not have the ready cash right now, but in time things will be different, you never know what is round the corner.
Women I have worked with who have endured domestic abuse, whether it was emotional, mental, financial, sexual or physical, usually seem to be quite ballsy women. We are not weak, it has been the Dominators absolute focus to make us believe that, but from my experience, we are strong, stubborn, brave, resilient...(we have had to be!!!) and pretty amazing people!
The future is yours now and things will hurt, but at least you are free to raise your girls how you want and enjoy them without the fear or being belittled or undermined and you also get the chance to teach them right from wrong. ie: it is not good for your partner to cheat on you. etc, that is why mummy and daddy split up. (Maybe need to wait a few years, before you share that info, depending on the maturity of your girls)
Look forward to hearing from you!
Hello bizzybee
Hope you are well and looking after yourself
Have read your post and can feel for you most of the emotions your going through its like a rollacoster you want to get off but your can not, but do hang on in there your little darlings need one stable responsible parent to guide them and show them right from wrong.
Time as they say is the healer i know it does not feel like it at the moments but you will start to apprciate the little things like not having to share the bed the tv remote and put lots of love your own way.
Do treat yourself even if its just a hot bath with a brew shut the door and concentrate on you and your energy.
We all on here have some way been through what you are experiencing and are still here and better for it stronger.
Stuart And his three little angels (well most of the time they are)
Hi bizzybee
It's still early days for you, and it sounds as if you're doing all you can.
It is so hard when you have to deal with a partner who chooses a new path in life, and dealing with it is all you can do.
you're right in not running down their Dad in front of them - not always easy I know, especially when the children might say something that you 'secretly' agree with!
I'm sorry that his family aren't speaking to you though. I've been lucky in that I have a great relationship with my ex-in-laws - she is his step-mum though, which I know has made a difference. It was difficult for FiL for a while though...
In time things will start to settle for you. I used to play (and still do) The Killers and sing and dance madly to it. Children used to love that! They're older now, so they would rather I didn't sing loudly...!
You are saying that you've been left with the financial stresses. You don't need to answer these, but is he paying you maintenance for the children? Are there debts - and are they in his name? If they are in his name, then they are his debts and not yours, as you aren't married... My ex had £49000 of debt, and they had to be treated as joint at the time, as they were debts within a marriage.
What I have found though that it is amazing what our children can get us through. Perhaps telling your children that you're trying hard not to be grumpy as you're still getting used to things as they are means they might understand why you aren't as cheerful as you usually are. They may help cheer you up too.
This is a great site for support, so please do keep posting.