New relationship for ex - how do I cope

Hi littleredhen, this sounds as though you are feeling an awful lot of pain. However there is very little you can do here, other than look after and protect yourself.

What about finding something that you would really like to do, on the day that they are all doing something together?

You sound furious at both of them and that is completely understandable however the only person you are hurting is yourself, so be nice to you.

What about the old letter writing trick? Write everything that you would like to say and do to them, real and imaginative, really expanding on everything, then burn it, bury it or keep it so you can keep adding stuff!??

Hi Littleredhen.

I have been to that horrible dark place that you are in so I have a pretty good idea how you are feeling. My ex spun me the 'just good friends' yarn too and I was the last to see what was staring me in the face.

Unfortunately there is no 'quick fix' solution to this. I really wish I could give you one but it's sadly a case of 'going through it', staying strong and keeping your head held high. Look at it this way, you are too good to be treated in such an awful way and they are not worth wasting your emotional energy on. Talking it through with others is great therapy so keep talking on here and I really do wish you the best. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Brian

Hello LRH

You are quite right to be angry, and I agree with you: how DARE they lie to you and treat you like this, epsecially him. It is tempting in this situation to shift all the blame on to the other woman but it takes two to tango, as they say.

The one positive I can see in all this is that it underlines for you that splitting up was indeed the right thing to happen and I do believe the anger you are feeling now is going to help you move on faster than otherwise. Remember the grief process article? However, it's important not to get stuck with the anger for too long.....you need to find an outlet for it. Physical things are good, such as exercise or even punching a cushion or screaming loudly (preferably when alone!) As for it becoming an obsession, that is why you need to learn to let it out.. Tell yourself you deserve better than this and you are well out of it!

Well we are always here for you. The obsession thing, it is early days to be worrying about that but if it does seem to you to be taking over as time goes on,  you can try the technique I described in a post last week to sparkling. I am copying it below for you. But do let it out of your system just at the moment, while it is so raw.

TECHNIQUE:

One thing I do with my counselling clients is I ask them to visualise
what would "contain" their worries. It could be a large chest with a
heavy lid, it could be a chest of drawers with different worries in each
one, it could be a tall cupboard, or something else....you pick the one
that feels most appropriate to you. Whatever you choose, it has a large
key.

Mentally place your worries in the container you have chosen. Lock
it. Say to yourself "I am in charge. I have the key. I can unlock it
anytime I want" . If you find yourself worrying inadvertantly, say "Ok
these worries have escaped, I am going to allow them X minutes to play
in my mind and then they are going firmly back under lock and key" Set
your stopwatch on your mobile if you need to, then mentally put them
away, saying "I am in charge". It takes a bit of practice to envisage
this at first so don't worry if the worries keep escaping. The most
important part of it is NOT the locking away, it is the affirmation "I
am in charge" 

Have you got a dartboard lrh?   Seriously, I know it is easier said than done, but try not to let the if's, are they, have they, eat you up,  You've been doing marvellously.

Awwww lrh. I'm so sorry. You're right though, he is a coward. You're worth more than those two put together, just keep telling yourself that. Your sister is also right, 'they are SO not worth it'. Good luck for tomorrow at work, I hope you get some good news there. Take care.

The Git got very close to two of my "friends".  The children discussed one of them quite regularly, and she's walk into the house to wait for The Git to come home from work without knocking....  I physically pushed her out the door one day after he'd taken my car to be sold and was coming home from work on the train.  I had to pick him up using FiL's car...

**sigh**  You don't forget.

I'm sorry you're going through this lrh.  Fingers crossed you have good news at work.

Hi little red hen

Hope you are Ok today.

One thing I can really recommend......and not just from this post but just from chatting to you on other threads too when I have noticed that you feel very strong emotions but also see things differently by the next day....is that when a situation happens, as well as taking the deep breaths, acknowledge the emotion to yourself, say "I am feeling angry because xyz, I am feeling sad because of abc" Understand that that emotion is pretty powerful and can make it hard to think rationally. Therefore make a pact with yourself not to take any definitive actions while the emotion is so strong, set yourself a 24 hour ban on this.

Ok this does not diminish the emotion you are suffering but these will become less with time. Your feelings are totally understandable so let yourself off the hook, you are doing great

hello

sitting here trying to put myself in your shoe's, i'd probebly stalk them, cause a big scene and end up getting arrested, not a good outcome for anyone!..

this ew has heself a faithless man with a hell of a lot of baggage.. your thinking they have more than what they really have.. i know the mind runs away with itslef and heartbreak can take you to the depths of disspair but realistically you hold all the cards.. re-set your way of thinking, its as easy as that, we control what we think therfore we control what we are feeling..

your children know one home and your the parent in it, find comfort in that, you havent deserted them.. but give them a strong mum to come home to,, dont sit and wait for them, get out and do somthing, make your ex and his new bird feel like babysitters and then watch how it all unfolds, give her a month she'l be pulling her hair out! or his!! lol

Ah yes, colouring books... They are very therepeutic

I keep repeating myself, but a rant and rave book works well with me - and is covered in warnings of not to read, as I do rant and proper rave in it

Hi LRH

Erm....no pearls of wisdom but it's natural that you can't just turn off the lights on your marriage at the flick of a switch. Even if you feel you are falling/have fallen out of love with him, what you will grieve is the loss of your expectations, the loss of your former lifestyle, and by that I do not just need money but also the business of being in a team. Well, you are in a new team now, you and the children and it can be great, once you are used to the idea, and that will take a while. Remember the list I sent you about the stages of grief?.....well,WHATEVER your are grieving for,the stages are the same.

I think I have quoted this poem before, but it seems very apt. It's by Wendy Cope:

Defining the Problem:

I can't forgive you. Even if I could

You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you

And yet I cannot cure myself of love

For what I thought you were before I knew you

*****************************************

Take care of yourself, you are doing splendidly, you know, don't expect too much of yourself

Well, LRH, speaking from my counselling work I think that is normal, and Mich will also tell you that happened for her, it is all part of the process, at first we have some numbness to help us cope, but once that wears off then BAM. I promise that what is happening to you is totally normal and it shows me that you are doing some proper grieving now (which will be the thing that heals you eventually)

Have to sign off now but take good care of yourself