Hello,
Im 31 and a single mummy to a beautiful 19month old girl. I became a single parent very early on in the pregnancy and although i think i have coped pretty well things are harder now her father has decided to be involved. So i'm just looking for advice and friendly people to chat to x
Hello shoegal
You are very welcome here. You say that things are harder now your daughter's father has reappeared, maybe you could tell us more about that so we can give you some support?
welcome - hope you make some new friends - lrh
Hi shoegal. Welcome along. I've brought my son up on my own since the pregnancy, he is now 9. His 'sperm doner' has no input at all, but a while back, he was saying that he would be seeing C as he'd be moving back to England. He lives in Spain, and has done for a number of years. Has seen my son on a few occasions, but that's basically it. When he was sending me his demands, it totally feaked me out, but I was lucky, as nothing came of it.
Is your ex now seeing your daughter on a regular basis?
Hi all,
hope you are well?
I'll try to keep it short(ish)
He did see her for the 1st 5/6 wks then sent me a message saying he had thought about it and felt it best to have no further contact as he couldn't stand up to my high expectations of being a father( i might add he hadn't paid for anything, said he didnt want to be a dad to a child with me as it mother and other delightful things whilst i was pregnant)
Fast forward a year i took him to the csa he denied being her dad DNA test was done, CSA calculated payments,heard he had split up with his girlfriend. Then out of the blue after not one singlt phone call email text asking how she was did she have a nice 1st christmas, 1st birthday i get a text asking if he can see her.
He now sees her once a wk for 2 hrs at the park of soft play place. i supervise these visits as i don't think it's fair on my daughter to be left with someone she hardly knows, he has anger problems and other issues that he is getting councilling for,Itend to play for a bit with them then take a back seat. I have reservations about his true reasons for seeing her again and sometimes do not feel happy with things he does,trying to force feed her when shes ate enough after me telling him not to do that, he doesnt really talk very nicely to her either he isnt mean but instead of encouaging her to say climb on something he just says get up here! last wk they were playing together and my lo got up and went to another toy and i saw him mutter under his breath for f*** sake!!!
So really i'm not sure where to go from here its been 6months since he started seeing her again soon he will want her by himself which i am not comfortable at all with, I have a bad feeling about it but im not sure if thats my severe dislike of him clouding my judgement.
Having said that he has cancelled 2 out of the last 4 wks ( sickness and having to work on a sunday)He also has a new girlfriend now i know this as he sent me 'accidently' a message meant for her.
Does anyone else do supervise visits? and be honest am i being crazily overprottective? x
Sorry waffled on a bit there! x
Hi shoegal
You didn't waffle on at all! (I just had to edit out his swear word, teehee)
So what you are saying is this is tolerable as it is, but you are worried about the next stage, and it sounds to me as if it could go either way, either the new girlfriend will distract him from the weekly time with your daughter even more OR he will think being in a new relationship gives him the stability to have unsupervised contact. Well, maybe in the longer term it will, but of course it is not fair to be introducing a new person to your daughter until the relationship is well established so maybe that is the position you have to take in the first instance. If he tries to up the ante, then you could offer to go to mediation, but I would be inclined to just keep things as they are for as long as possible.
How are things with you apart from this issue with your daughter's dad?
Hi shoegal love the name i'm abit of shoe girl myself 
Louise has already asked you about contact, so what do you do with yourself when your not supervising visits? do you work? does your little one go to any toddler groups?
Hi thanks for the replies,
I have made it pretty clear that as it is still very early days i think it should just be about him and our daughter bonding and not bringing anyone else into it yet, he seemed to take this on board so fingers crossed.
Apart from the contact issues im doing pretty well( i think) I love being a mummy and as i knew from the word go i'd be a single parent i had lots of time to get used to the idea before she was born.
I work 2 days a week as a receptionist my lo goes to nursery one day and my sister has her the other day because it's a sat. im lucky as where i live there are 2 sure start centres close by so most days we go to groups or coffee mornings,my sister has a little girl also so we tend to see each other most days.Infact tomorrow we are off to the safari park together.
my daughter is 19 months going on 19!!! loves jewellery, shoes and handbags( ah wonder where she has got that from) Although at the minute she's going through a stage where the answer to everything is no and her favourite game is chasing the poor cat.
How old are your little ones?
Thank you sally i love shoes a little to much but i stole the name from sex and the city hehe x
Sounds as if you have a lot going on shoegal, which is great and your work will get you out and about. The SureStart children's centres can be a boon to those of us with smaller children, I am always a bit sad that there is less for parents with older ones but I guess that is a Government funding thing.
So you will be at work today then, and is it tomorrow that your daughter sees her dad?
Yes i feel lucky to have 2 centres close by. its nice to get out and meet other parents with children of a simular age.
I had some hol to take so we went to the safari park today. great fun and the weather was good too!hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and has a lovely weekend x
hi i dont thik that you are being over protective, as my ex has not really been in my 13 month old sons life, and i am wary too, i dont feel you are wrong in letting your daughter see her with you supervising, as he has been a stranger to her. I feel that by him getting a new girlfriend, he could well not bother with visits , so i would be wary
Hi shoegal, glad you had a good time at the safari park! Did you drive through the monkey area? when I went to one, the monkeys pinched all the trims from my car!
Hello deborah
If this is your real name, can you please change it for anonymity? Go onto My Profile at the top right of the page, then click on the edit tab, change your name and then click Save.
Hi Deborah,
Does your ex have contact with your son now? it difficult isn't it? on the one hand i want to encourage them to have a close bond but on the other hand im worried that he will decide again that he no longer wants to see her again. i know that that would be his choice but i would feel very guilty for letting him back into her life after a year.
Haha louise the one we went to didn't have monkeys it used to but they stopped it for that reason! Ikinda wish they did still have monkeys though.
Today we went to the park and spent 2 hrs there with her dad. It went ok. Did have a slight disagreement about him cancelling last week to work as he didn't have to, i understand he needs the money ( dont we all) but its such early days and i wanted to make sure it wasn't a regular thing as that was the 2nd time this month he's cancelled x
Hi shoegal, welcome from me
It sounds as though you are doing everything with much thought and sensibility. You never know what the future will hold in regards to your ex, but if you can keep things on an even keel for now, you will just have to take each day as it comes.
I don't think that you are being overprotective. My daughter is now 17 (eeeek, really!) when she was small I didn't think that my ex was very good at talking with her and it used to really bother me. Just recently I watched a video that he had created of him and her in the park and I realised that actually he wasn't as bad as I used to think - he was just being him (unfortunately not necessarily the father figure that I would have wished for) but just himself.
What does your daughter think of him, is she happy when she communicates with him and you are taking a back seat?
The food thing you mentioned - he is still learning and he will make mistakes, so try not to get too frustrated by this.
Its another beautiful day today, what are your plans?
Hi Anna,
Thank you for the support.
We have spent lots of time in the park and in the garden even braved mowing the lawn haha. Love the sunshine, it doesn't feel so bad being woken up at 6am!
It varies really most of the time shes fine around him but sometimes if he tries to pick her up she will cry and put out her arms for me. I normally play for a bit then sit down and leave them to it, she is happy to play with him but will keep coming over to me and looking to check im there but i guess this is normal.
I think like every mother i just want the best for her and i expect him to treat her the way i do but i guess men don't always have the maternal/caring instincts we do.
Hope you are having fun in the sunshine x
Hi shoegal, well many men do and we have some fab single dads on this site
Sounds to me as if you are doing a good job with your daughter and the contact with her dad.
Are you having a busy week?
Sorry should have put SOME men.
We haven't really got any plans this week we are just going to go with the flow and enjoy the sunshine ( whilst it last)
Thank you for your kind comments. I think it's hard to know you're doing a good job sometimes.
Anyway have any fun things planned for the week?
Erm, well it is my friend's birthday this week so I am making her a curry, she is a veggie so doing it with chickpeas! And have got son's parents' evening at college, not good as one of the tutors has just dsiappeared, they said he was ill but then they said that he had taught the wrong syllabus so son and colleaugues have to do three major assignments again, so I am off to give them a piece of my mind (one I can spare, haha) And at the end of the week, am meeting my eldest, who is at Uni in the next town
Think it is supposed to be sunny until the weekend!
Wow busy week then.
thats awful about your son having to re do work due the tutor, crazy! I would be cross too, how did they manage to make a mistake like that? Sounds like the tutor has a very well timed illness!
Good luck with the curry i'm not a great cook, better since i had my lo but still not the domestic godess i'd like to be..hence being on here when i cant see the table due to the mountain of washing that needs to be put away.
Hope it is a nice weekend, booo to me being at work on saturday though if the sun is shining!
Well my main tip, shoegal, is to avoid as much ironing as possible. My Mum used to even iron my dad's underpants!!!
I think the tutor is not ill at all, more like been sacked. I am on the case this evening to find out more.
Saturday looks cooler, so a good day to go to work if you ask me.
What do you like to cook? have you seen our recipe section Food Glorious Food?
That's awful with the tutor Louise! Daughter had to re-do a load of GCSE history as the teacher had got the syllabus wrong...
Isn't this weather lovely shoegal?
Hi Sparklinglime, i am loving this weather, it makes me feel so motivated, loads of washing done ( none ironed as yet) lawn mowed, and lots of picnics in the park! hope it lasts.
Louise how did the parents evening go?
Ah shoegal, who needs ironing?
The college assured me that they have plans in place to cover the work and the three assignments do not need re-doing, just some tweaking. It still seems to me that I will have to be big bad wolf to keep on his back and make sure he gets it all done.
Did you have a look at the recipe section?
Hi all,
I have had such a rubbish day today, it started off well went to my sisters with lo for the day. Im not really sure why it went wrong. For the past few weeks LO has been very clingy wants picking up all the time even when we are at home, tantrums about everything shes 20 months so i guess this is normal but im finding it very hard to cope come 5 o'clock im so warn out with it and feel close to tears, anyway this evening she didnt want to sit in her highchair started screaming so i just let her play thinking she'd come and sit it in if i just didnt make a big deal out of it, well she didn't she cried and screamed for half an hr then her nappy needed changing which made her start crying and throwing herself about again and i just lost it started crying myself infront of lo my sister and her partner. I know this is an awful thing to say but i feel like i hate being a mum everynight i go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better, i'll be more patient, plan nice things to do so we're not stuck in the house and come bedtime im feeling just as rubbish as the night before. Ijust don't know what to do im sitting here now crying feeling a rubbish mum, my lol deserves so much better shes a lovely child.
I haven't always felt like this I used to love being a mum and everything it involved now im scared i'll feel like this forever.
Anyway my sister has took LO for the night so i can have an early night and chill. Ihope it helps and i feel better in the morning.
If you've got this far thanks for reading x x
aah shoegal firstly don't be so hard on yourself - it is so tiring when little ones are that age - its great that your sister has stepped in to help and recognise how hard things can be.
We are here to listen - I was by no means the perfect parent (am now though
- just kidding!)
but i used to break the day down into chunks that I could manage
hope some of my suggestions help
on rising a bit of kids tv - just maybe 10/15 mins I should think attention span is low at this age if I remember rightly
have a cuppa yourself
breakfast
get dressed then go out - either to a toddler group, swimming, walk in the park,
back home for a play - again put tv on if you like but just for a short while and for favourite programmes
nap?
lunch
nap?
when your little one has a nap you have a nap also - don't use time for housework - you need to save your energy
in afternoon try and get out again even if its only for a quick walk with the buggy or walk to the shops
Go to the library or find other free activities in your area
You won't feel like this forever - you are doing a great job - give yourself a treat in the evening - warm bath, glass of wine (drink responsibly though) and get some help from your sister even if its just an hour once a week - more if she is willing
good luck - hope this helps
Dear shoegal, bad luck, things seem to have really got on top of you recently. It happens to us all. My brother had a very good friend of his over from Australia and they came to visit when my daughter was tiny.
I was so looking forward to them coming for the evening, but come bed time, my daughter wouldn't go down, I ended up screaming and effing and blinding at her and the rest of the evening crying about it with them. It was awful, I felt like a bad mum, a rubbish hostess and also ruined my one night with other adults - so it happens to us all!
I am really pleased that your sister has your little one for the night, do not drink copious amounts of alcohol, clean the house top to bottom, just spend some time with yourself.
We do need to keep consistent when it comes to our little ones, as soon as they realise there might be another option to what they are being told they will push the boat out!
You have been coping so well, but it sounds as though you are feeling under pressure. Can you put your finger on what it is? Could it be that you are feeling stressed with your ex being back on the scene?
thank you for the replies and advice,
Im glad to know i'm not the only one that has found it hard, because i kind of feel like i was a bit well abnormal because i decided to keep my lo and not have an abortion even though i knew i'd be a single parent and she is truely loved an amazing.
I did used to get so much enjoyment out of it but now i struggle just to get through the day. She is a good sleeper normally 7pm till 6 so i don't think its lack of sleep thats coursing my feelings, i don't really know why, it feels like everythings built up and i cant cope with it like i used to.
Definatly her dad being back on the scene isn't helping i spend most of friday and saturday dreading it then the rest of sunday either releived that its over for another week or feeling angry or upset over something he's said and done.I didn't feel like this before he got back in touch but maybe thats because she was only a yr old and wasnt going through her 'phase' i'm sure she used to play up still but i cant remember ever feeling so hopeless about it, there was a time when i used to fing her tantrums funny!! lol
My sister thinks maybe i should speak to a doctor about how im feeling this is the secong time she has mentioned it so i guess it must be obvious im not myself x
Hi shoegal, good idea about visiting the doctor. Maybe seek out some counselling?
Are you having a pleasant evening?
Im going to go first thing tomorrow, will check out counselling in my area hopefully the doctor can give me some advice on where to go.
Well i've almost stopped crying...cried out i think. Im having a (small) glass of wine going to have a bath then an early night with a book! x
Hi shoegal. I hope you're enjoying your 'me' time. Sounds like a good idea, chill in the bath and an early night, snuggled up with a book. Bliss.
You're definately not the only one that has 'bad' days. I never for a moment thought I would lose my rag with my son, but oh god, there are days when I could just walk. Some days it's a battle in here, and I'm yelling, he's yelling, and it gets into a right ding dong. I then come on here, rant, or read some posts, and it does calm me down. No one is perfect, and we're trying to be both mum and dad aren't we? Having to deal with absolutely everything. Don't beat yourself up over it, your lovely daughter won't have remembered a thing, she's more interested in her toys, hehe.
I'm glad you have an evening to yourself. x
Hi shoegal, I hope slept well and now feeling a little better after a rest and some 'you' time.
Good luck at the doctors, I hope that you are able to find some local counselling.
The sun is shining again this morning, that always raises my spirits!
Hi shoegal
This is a great site for advice and support.