hi there I've been a single parent since may last year and its been very difficult on my own but me and my ex split due to domestic violence and some other stuff he hasn't seen or paid for the kids for nearly a year now so I'm doing it on my own which is hard as my eldest was a daddies princess and she n me have had a lot of arguments over the past year not to mention as a family we have not only had the brake up to deal with but moving from one life into another which we are all finding hard too see we used to be in the armed forces life style for a number of years and we are all struggling to fit back in esp me but that's us and im looking forward too talking to new people who are also single parents x
hi there no i didn't get any help from anyone apart from my health visitor and a little support from welfare it was mostly my friends that i got help from they have been my life line and still are to this day i owe so much to them x
my eldest is 6 nearly 7 and i feel she schildren till has some anger towards me for him leaving the day he left was not nice he basically went to hit my eldest and i got in the way so he got me instead so he came down off the pedal stool so to speak and she keeps asking me for a new daddy because she doesn't want to know her dad at all COs he let them all down do much her behaviour is not so good at school or at home and it starts to get at you after a year as i have a lot going on at the min with college and the two other children cant get any counciling for her COs there isn't enough evidence for her to get the help she needs when we were still in the army environment she got every help she needed and that's now all gone so i don't know what to do
Hello again
You do indeed have a lot going on with three of them to see to as well as college.
You could start by having a word with the school and asking if they have any connections with The Place 2 Be, which is a counselling and play therapy service for young children.
It would be great if your friends could help out by having the younger two sometimes so you can spend some one to one time with your daughter. Her behaviour is an indication of what she's been through...it's really hard for us as adults as actually you yourself will have gone through a lot more! and yet still you have to do your best to reassure and settle your chldren. Tall order.
As I say, start by spending some time with her, don't use the time to talk about her behaviour, at first anyway, just have some fun time with her. I know this sounds like rewarding her for bad behaviour but it isn't, it's starting to build a new type of relationship with her so that you can then put strategies in place she will respond to. Have a look at this article: Special Time
Stick with us and we can support you through the process 
Thanks for your help i will try it and see what happens ive already asked if she would like to do special time may be once a week for now and she has agreed i let her choose what day and i picked the time so i know i will be able to do it no matter what and we are going to start see if it helps and i will defo ask the school about the councilor and play session as that is what she needs she used to talk to someone every week at her school down south and due to us moving she no longer sees her and she misses seeing her but thanks again xx
Hello Jacques,
sounds like you are having a really tough time of it all, but good to know that you have some friends who are sticking by you! Got a few mates who came out of the forces and it's hard at the best of times, but it must be even harder when you have to do it because of domestic violence.
There are some good suggestions in Louise's post and soem useful phone numbers in this article. There is also a charity called Young Minds, we have worked with them a few times and they have always been brilliant. Their website is
and they have a helpline you can phone.
Are you also doing a college course? That must keep you busy! Are you managing to find any time for yourself in all this?
Keep us posted!
no its not easy but there my kids n i want to show them that no matter what u go threw in life u can still achieve things in life if u put ur mind to it x
i don't get much time to my self to just chill no but i will as they get older and thanks for the info i will check it all out too x
Hi Jacques,
Sorry to hear that you have been going through a tough time with both the DV and your daughters behaviour. Louise and sergiozed have put in some great links for you, you should really try to get sometime to be good to yourself i know its difficult to do on your own, an hour in a hot bath with a good book or whatever it is you like to do that can fit into your schedule.
My four children are mostly in or coming out of their teens now, if had waited until they got older until i was able to have time for myself i would still be waiting, the demands on your time will change as they get older, but not less.
You have mentioned about your eldest how are your other two children coping? are they boys/girls?
My other daughter didn't see any of it and the day my ex left was the only time my eldest saw it as it was aimed at her they miss there dad but its only natural but because of the way he has treated them all by missing his time with them and not phoning when he should the older two don't want to know him my son was six months old when it all kicked off so he doesn't even know his dad and now he is two he has started saying daddy abit but he has a few good male role models who have been there more than his actual dad but they are all happy its just harder for my eldest because of what she saw
Hi Jacques, i have found this clip about helping children that have suffered a Trauma which i thought you may find useful.
Could you tell us abit about her behaviour, we maybe able to suggest some stratergies, what is it she is doing at home/school? how do the school manage her behaviour? what are you doing when she misbehaves?
she is trying her best to control everything at home i do say to her that she is still a child and she should make the most of it as you only get one but then she doesn't listen to me she will listen to anyone else but me its a battle on a daily basis just to get her to do one simple task she is helping her self to food when ever getting angry very easily hitting her siblings but then she has a paddy when she doesn't get her own way i use time out when she does something she shouldn't like they do in her school so she gets a red card after three warnings and after lunch the red card goes away and then if she does something she shouldn't again you repeat but if she gets one red card she does six minutes on time out but every time she does something she had to say sorry and understand why she has done something she shouldn't have
It is understandable that she is trying to control everything, what with all that has happened over the last few years, she is probably feeling insecure and unsafe and is trying to control everything to gain some feeling of safety.
As it sounds like she is trying to feel safe something that i would recommend is doing Time In rather than time out, you can have her stand or sit with you preferably within touching distance, so that you are able to maintain some kind of touch until her calm down time is up, you can then talk with her about why and what she has done etc.
Have you been able to talk with the school about getting her some support?
Hello there jacques, were you able to try any of the techniques that we suggested, just wondered how you got on with them if you did?
Hello Jacques and welcome along.
It's often hard to adjust from a life in the forces to striking out on your own. Did you have any support from Women's Aid regarding the abuse? I wonder also if you have done The Freedom Programme? If not, click here to see an online version.
How old are your children? Maybe we could help with the difficulties you are experiencing with your eldest, there is lots of friendly support here
Please feel free to share about what's going on for you.