Hi I'm new to this site, only joined today and I am finding it all very interesting but completely overwhelming. I have been separated for a while although we still live in the same house due to financial situation, we have four children together 20,17,14 and 12 and he is far from happy to be separated which makes life difficult. Any advice or friendly words would be warmly received as I do feel very alone most of the time x thanks in advance for any feedback x
Thank you so much for your kind words, I'm hoping that things will start to get easier but ATM I can't see it as he only does something if that's what HE wants. I'm staying strong and he won't change my mind over any of my decision's but obviously just makes life difficult with the kids and he knows it! Sorry to moan but haven't had much of an outlet lately lol xx
Hello pigginkidz and welcome along to One Space from me 
Sorry to hear your having to go through this, it all sounds difficult, have you sought any advice to see if there is a way for either of you to be able move out? you could message our Relationship Expert to see if she could offer some advice on dealing with your ex.
How are your children coping with everything?
All I know is we can't afford to sell our house as we have stuff to do to make it look better inside, we are both on extremely low wages, I'm finding it difficult to work ATM because I have a really bad back. But we do have a social worker who has said that our relationship or lack of one is and has damaged the kids which was very difficult to hear as its not something I have chosen to do but she did suggest to me that maybe he should take a break from the house but I know he will fight it, he doesn't even want to work with the social worker so I'm hoping this will work in my favour x sorry about moaning again xx
Hello pigginkidz
Welcome along! it is very important that you get some legal advice about the house and money situation. Have you got a solicitor? You can ask our own legal expert for help by clicking here and sending an email.
Hi pigginkidz there is no need to apologise we are hear to listen, it must be really stressfull what with socail services and your ex being difficult, if he won't leave would you?
I wish I could leave but I can't afford to move out, the council said that I would be making myself intentionally homeless and so they would not house me, he has already said on more than one occasion that I can leave but I can't take the kids. Feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place
I can see that your stuck in an awkward situation with your ex, you could check with our legal expert as Louise suggested and see if he can suggest something, his behaviour sounds rather abusive and sounds like social services are concerned by his behaviour are you able to see if there is more that they could do about getting him to leave the house or to see what options are available to you?
Atm I'm finding out and learning a lot about me and my situation, I am half way through the freedom course on here, which is interesting but upsetting at the same time. Atm I am living downstairs and he stays upstairs most of the time when he's in but he still wants cuddles and to kiss me all the time, its draining having to say no over and over
Thats great that your doing the Freedom Programme, it can be upsetting but worth it to push through with it, you could contact our Domestic Abuse Expert she maybe able to suggest some ideas on ways forward.
Do you have friends or family that are supporting you? what about any recommendations from the social worker are they suggesting anything?
I have family that always support me, over the last couple of years i have slowly started to tell my sister bits which most of it she actually already knew. But my mum only knows a little as i find it difficult to talk to her atm as I feel like an idiot, but I know that when I do start living on my own without my ex it will be easier to admit to everything that has happened over the past 22years. As of the social worker she has only just started to get involved and I haven't spoken to her since the first original meeting.
At least you have somewhat been able to talk with your sister, i know how hard it is to admit to others, it took ages for me to be able to tell someone everything, but it was freeing and felt like a weight had been lifted of me.
You could contact Womensaid or look at there website which has some useful information, they will be able to give you details of any Domestic Abuse Services locally to you for support.
Has the split effected your children? i would imagine they are finding it all difficult to!
Maybe I'm being neive but I thought they were OK but the social worker said that the have been damaged and are continuing to be damaged because of the lack of relationship. I don't want to be in this situation but I don't know how to get out of it . one good thing that I have done is even though the child benefit is in my name it was being paid into his account but the other day I actually changed the banking details, so in a couple of weeks I will have it in my account, made me feel slightly impowered. Little steps will turn into bigger steps soon enough.
Well done on getting the child benefits in your bank account. Every step is a big step if it gets you closer to being yourself! I am amazed how calm you sound in all this, it must be hell to live together after separating, and it doesn't sounds as if your ex really understand what boundaries are.
The Freedom Programme is a very powerful tool, but is not easy. Stick with it, it's worth the work you have to put into it. I did it as one of the people here at One Space who support the course, and it changes you, even if you are a man! I know, nobody is perfect....! Have you given some thought to getting your legal situation straight? Sounds like things could get tricky with him still around, and legal advice here on One Space is free.
Keep us posted!
Thanks for the last comment, on the out side I think I'm pretty calm but I'm screaming on the inside, whenever we have a argument he brings up the fact that I (women) get all the help they need, there's loads of people (professionals) ready to help them is the freedom programme and there's nothing for him and he says that I abuse him all the time, mentally that's why he's on antidepressants. I feel guilty all the time and most of the time he's not that bad and I wonder if its me but then he asks for a cuddle and his hands go to places that they shouldn't, that makes me feel angry as it takes a while for him to stop. He did use to be a lot worse and he has improved, he use to hit me, he had four affair's resulting in him having two children by two different women and three of them was while I was pregnant. I remember him telling him how proud he was that he didn't sleep with anyone else during my last pregnancy!!!
Your right to start with little steps, sometimes the little steps are the hardest and make it easier to do the big steps.
From doing the Freedom Programme you will see that what you have said about your ex are all abuse tactics and his way to control you and keep you where he wants you. There are places that he can go to for help if he asks for it.
I know your holding it all together, but then you have had years of practice, i really think getting some support from a domestic abuse service would help you to get out of this situation and get you the support that you need.
This will be having an effect on your children, are you able to talk with them? have you explained what is going on?
The kids know we are not together, they witness arguments which I know is wrong but that is it. My eldest has been a witness to him going mad and grabbing me round my throat while pushing me backwards, he actually tried to stop his dad
Hello pigginkidz, have you sent an email to our legal expert? You cannot continue to live like this and the children need consistency so your step by step approach is all a help towards a better life. Glad you are finding the Freedom Programme helpful, and do get some support from Women's Aid, as Sally suggests.
I am trying but am finding everything so difficult because I feel so lonely, obviously I love being with my kids and doing things with them but I have no one away from my situation to spend time with and the lack of money is so depressing
Hello again, yes it is hard when you feel so isolated. I could give you all sorts of suggestions for making new friends but it feels like this is a little further down the line and that now you need to find out if there is something you can do to improve your day to day situation. We have all suggested you contact our Legal expert, have you done this? Just click here to email the expert.
Hi pigginkidz, has there been any changes in your situation? did you complete the Freedom Programme?
Oh gosh, this sounds difficult, I had a similar problem with my ex after we split up, and for a little while when he decided to show up after Sprog was born. I just kept telling him no, he got the message eventually! Although we don't live together...
He doesn't even acknowledge me at all now during visits, which is made a bit easier by his parents being in attendance; mind due, I refuse to meet him without a 3rd party being present.
Hope something works out for you, nice to meet you, and looking forward to hearing from you in the future :) welcome to the clan ^_^
xXx