Been a single parent since 2005. Have gone thru many a challenge in my time - logistics, work vs home, moving from pre-packed food to real dinners, lack of motherly attention for my daughter, trying to date with a huge sticker on my head that say "single dad with 3 kids". Ha ha - i'm still sane.....just. But after 6 yrs, there's something about it being my time (occasionally) and i dont seem to know how best to tackle that. Given that I was probably more selfish in the past and have learned to be selfless - am now missing lots on being a tad "selfish" at times. That may sound wrong to many but there's a bit inside me that now wants me to do what I want (at times)....and i cant quite work out how best to do that anymore.
Ian
Hi ian192837
You are very welcome here 
Being a parent is all about getting the balance right between what may be regarded as "selfless" and "selfish" if you ask me. I agree our children come first but one thing that contributes to a happy child is if they have a happy parent. We also need to think about "modelling" to our children. So many times I hear parents complain that their children put upon them and don't see them as a person with their own wants and needs but this is because the parent has never asserted themselves!
Sounds as if your world turned completely upside down when you became a single parent, do they still see their mum? I am wondering how much time you manage to get for yourself and whether you manage some socialising.
Stay with us, there is loads of friendly chat and support here 
Hi ian192837
Good to see you here.
Thnx for all the welcomes and comments... let me try to answer some of the questions...
Do I escape - not really - I shyed away from nice offers of help at that time and over time those offers have disappeared. I started (maybe foolishly) in not accepting help unless I was in dire straits though I do have family nearby (some v willingly to help - some less so). I wanted to do it all myself anyway and maybe there's some arrogance with that, as much of it was about me proving that I could do this. The children were 5 (boy), 8 (girl) and 12 (boy) when i got full residency (english courts) - they are now 11,14 & 18.
My ex is still around, though 600+ miles away and an alcoholic, living with her mum. Believe me - I could write stories n books about the events in the last 10 yrs or so. All I wanted to do was 2-fold: protect my children from any physical harm and almost in opposition to that, give them "secured" access to their mum - cos mums are important. That approach has worked very well on some occasions and extremely badly on many others, BUT the last thing I want to do is to cease their access to their mum, despite the many many issues that have occured in the last few yrs (even down to the last few months). I am accused by my family of being too soft on her, but have to balance that with the needs of the children (in seeing their mum). I sometimes get it right n sometimes get if v v wrong!
Was my world turned upside down when i got residency - yes - absolutely and utterly. I was in a well paid job and had to (fairly swiftly) move out of that. I am in a job that's paid ok today - so no real financial issues but many personal ones now.
The children see their mum every school holiday but only because she stays with her mum (which is my protection) and even that has been a problem in the past (tho I get on v well with my ex's family). Police, hospitals, aggression are all a part of the issues (many stories) - and unfortunately, my 3 have had exposure to all of that when they visit their mum. Unbelievably - the children are decidedly "normal" and well balanced, despite all this.
But as I noted - it now feels like my turn - a "model" of how it should work would be useful, but I feel I've lost 5 yrs and am struggling (a tad) to work out what i need to do !!
Am NOT depressed - am just a tad lost !!!
Thnx
Ian
Hi Ian, good for you for being able to do the right thing for the children despite your own feelings, cant have been easy I`m sure, your children are very lucky and will be well balanced with a sensible dad!!!!!
I wouldnt look on it as a lost 5 years, look at what you have gained and now that the children are coming to an age where they can be left for an occasional evening, are there any activities that you would like to persue, do you have any opportunities to socialise with work collegues?
Hope you have a lovely evening
Hi ian192827, welcome to One Space. Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds as though you have been through your fair share of troubles, worries and 'stretching you to the very limit' moments!
You say that you weren't very good at accepting help when you initially took on the children single handedly, I think that is a very accurate trait of single parents, we want to prove to the world, that 'we can do this' 'we can cope!' However, after 'doing it' for a few years and coping and proving to ourselves and everyone else that we are not a failure, it is interesting that we then kind of go, hey this is b***** hard work!
We do have to be selfless at times and we immerse ourselves in making sure the children are 'OK'. So as others have said, now it is time for you to find a bit of you.
So do you know the kind of things you want to do? Did you used to have hobbies? Are your children away for half terms? Or just the bigger hols?
One place that I find quite interesting is Meetups. Click onto your county and then your city/town/village and just have a root around to give you some ideas on what is going on near you.
Discuss with your eldest when would be a good time for him to stay in and 'mind' his siblings, tell him what you want to do and want his support to go out for one evening a week. Or perhaps tell all of them, have a family conference! Ask them what they think you should do?! You never know what they might come up with!
Ouch Anna - think you comments are an eye opener (specifically regarding how common it is to try to go it alone without help) but more importantly make me realise that my behaviour hasnt been quite as different and arrogant as i thought it was - thnx !
I've checked the Meetups - nothing that really appeals (but thnx). My eldest already helps out (even when i'm away on business) which has been a godsend. I've never tried asking the children what dad should do - so will do that soon - thnx.
Think the next steps lay with me in general. I think i just need a kick up the backside to get me out into the community again. Maybe i'm just a tad lazy....
Best i go think about that - thnx v much
Hmm I would not say lazy, it just becomes so that we absorb ourselves in our children and work and then suddenly we wake up and think Hey, what about me? Good that you are thinking about all this.
Hello ian
I am stuart i to have raised my three children since 2008 and have encourged contact with the childrens mother not that it has always been trouble free.
Nice to meet you and maybe chat some time.
Stuart
Hi ian192837
I don't think it is laziness that isn't getting you out and about, I think it is probably a mixture of shyness, lack of motivation (different to laziness) and confidence. You have just spent a few years settling yourself and your family into a routine and safe place, starting something new means you are at the beginning of the rest of your life. Take the plunge - do one thing and report back! 
You may consider doing one of our online learning courses?! I am thinking Life Coaching here. You can take it at your own pace, it can help you take control of your life again and set some goals.
People who have completed this course have said that they feel that they have learnt many new things about themselves.
I am really pleased to read that your eldest is helping you out, that is brilliant. Sorry to read that there is nothing in your area on Meetups, that grabs your attention, but do let us know what ideas your children come up with.
So - i've been away on business this week, and thnx for all the comments. In my usual, anally retentive way, I'll endeavour to answer/comment on each of the contributions...
Louise - thnx - those comments make me recognise that what i'm doing isnt as unique as i thought - so thnx
Stuart - yes - i'd like to share "war stories". Some of my experiences with the children have been great and what it seems to have done is change me / my approach. Am more than willing to share my experiences. Feel free to contact me for a chat on this.
Anna - Thnx for the life coaching offer. Admittedly I've been v v sceptical in the past about this sort of thing but thats been based on no experience of that approach, pure conjecture and a tendency to avoid something quite different - but - I'm NOW keen to have a go - will look at the online course mentioned.
I did have the chat with the children. Think i need to do it again as i maybe didnt get the mesaage across very well and they didnt take it seriously. Need to work on this one...
Thnx to all
Ian
Hi ian192837
You can do the course in your own time and no-one will see your answers, so there is no-one to judge you, you can be completely free and random with it! I found it dead interesting!
How was your business trip? Interesting? Informative? Or just good to get away??
Hi ian192837
Welcome to one space, glad you have retained a good sense of humour
How old are your children?
I dont think it sounds wrong to feel the need for something for yourself now and again, it is really hard being a single parent and think every one of us feels the same if we are honest.
Do you manage to "escape" at all, do you have family support/friends?
Please do stay with one space, its a great site with lots of friendly people who will offer lots of great advice and support.
I am usually on here really late as I dont sleep much lol.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend and hope to "chat" again soon