Hi everyone, I left my husband of 18 years just before Christmas. He was a very controlling man. I have two teenage children, the three of us are sharing one room at my mother's house and I have no income, have apples for job seekers and housing. Been refused housing and my benefit claim is still being looked at, I apples three weeks ago. Husband lives abroad and controls all the finances and is giving me nothing at all. I really fear for the future if my benefit is refused, which seems likely after a discussion with a chap from some charity called homemaker. My mother,s partner has been very good but I know that he is finding it hard to cope with the overcrowding. I am at the end of my tether now and don't know where to turn to next for help.
Hi mindysmum
I can imagine all of you being squashed in one room and not having any of your own space, really difficult.
But please can I be the first to say Well Done You!
It is very difficult to leave a controlling man, but you have done it! Yes there are going to be practicalities that need to be dealt with, but once sorted, you will start to be able to get on with the rest of your life!
It is scary, but things WILL fall into place, you have spent many years being controlled and now holding the reins can feel scary, but you CAN do it!
Its great to read that your mum's partner is being supportive. Do contact our Housing Expert, because I am surprised that you have been refused housing if you are sharing a room with 2 teens.
How are they coping? Are they glad you have fled?
Hi mindysmum
I'm sure it took tremendous courage to leave.
I know things aren't easy at the moment, but hopefully things will start to come together for you.
Thank you for your feedback. I have written to the Housing Expert explaining my situation and am now waiting for reply. Been told my JS claim is with the decision team and have been promised an answer by Monday. I am so worried I won't get anything. Husband is living in property abroad, so how am I expected to realise that asset to support us for next few months. The system doesn't seem to appreciate that I need money and a home now. Why can't there be a provision for these emergencies and then when assts are realised it can be paid back if necessary. Seems logical to me. Of course they probably expect me to go back to home abroad, but my family are in UK and I need their support.
Hi Mindysmum, well done for getting message to the Housing Expert, you should hear back within a few days.
It is going to be difficult this weekend as most resources available are shut, however you can take this time to think of other things. I know your current cirumstances are a huge worry, but at this moment you can't do anything except wait.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Pleased to say I had quite a good weekend, was very busy, so it kept my mind off things. Went to Job Centre on Monday to sign on and was advised that claim is still being looked at and I should expect letter this week asking for more info. Also received a letter telling me how much child tax credit will be, but of course that really depends on whether I get Job Seekers allowance. So no change really. I still have no income and don't know how I would cope if it wasn't for my mother and her partner keeping me and the children. My mum only has her pension of £106 a week, so I feel awful about it all.
R, her partner, has said the situation cannot continue, though, and we have to leave by end of month. I will have to use children's savings to pay for b and b, but what happens when that runs out. I jointly own a buy to let property with husband but he has rent paid into account I have no access to and claims it is swallowed up by his expenses as soon as it hits account. Phoned agent yesterday for details and calculated my share of rental would be about £215 per month, so not enough to live on even if I did receive it. Flat is in negative equity and needs lots of repairs, so if sold I would have a massive debt. Been suggested I should live in it but is nearly 200 miles from where I live now, I have no family or friends there for support and the children are happily settled in school here. It is also too small for us.
I am feeling a bit calmer now and more able to start to cope with everything I need to sort out, so will try to make the most of it before I receive any more bad news which will just catapult me back to the bottom of the big black hole I am trying to claw my way out of.
HI Mindysmum, glad you had a good weekend, it can help clear the cobwebs away and make you feel a little bit normal again, to face the next obstacle 
Have you heard from our expert yet? Shelter also have a Free Helpline 0808 800 444 that is open 8am - 8pm.
It is horrible to rely on other people for monetry support, but as I kept telling myself when I was homeless - this time next year it will all be different. 
Parents want to help their children out and yours have been great, you will be able to make it up to them I'm sure.
This situation will sort itself out. How are the children?
Just heard from benefits re job seekers allowance and I am not entitled to anything because of jointly owned properties. Husband is living in studio apartment and says he won't sell as he then will have nowhere to live. Even if he does sell I will still only have an income of less than £45 a week from buy to let flat. I thought that if a property was main residence of one of partners it was not included in assessment of entitlement to benefit. One good thing has come out of it, apparently I am entitled to be resident in UK, which I suppose is good to know, considering I was born and bred here, so we're my parents and grandparents and great grandparents.as far back as I can go I am British through and through. I only left to live abroad for a few years, my marriage has broken down and I have returned to the place of my birth. Thank you DWP for giving me permission to stay. I am not bitter just really mad.
Hi Mindysmum, I am not surprised you are mad. Please do get in touch with Shelter (number above) to find out what you can do regarding your housing situation.
Regarding your money situation, you might be interested in contacting our Money and Benefits expert and ask them what they think is your best way forward.
I have written to money expert explaining finances. I am feeling very drained and emotional now, so do not feel up to contacting anyone else at the moment. The housing expert, more or less said I was refused housing for same reasons as was refused job seekers allowance. What I cannot understand is how I am expected to support myself and children on assets I only get £42 A week income from, which husband has paid into his account anyway. I cannot sell properties in a day and one of them is in negative equity. But we still need to live.
The children are fine, daughter 12' does not really understand what's going on and son 14 just starts singing at me and saying it will all be ok, whenever I express any worries.
Ahhh, how lovely is your son, although only when you are in a good mood, otherwise, it might be a little trying. But he is obviously trying to keep your spirits up.
I am interested to know how the council and the DWP expect you to support your family at this point.
You have had an emotional day, leave it there for now and relax this evening. Small steps Mindysmum.
Well I've exhausted all the avenues. Been to Citizens Advice and got no help whatsoever. Told to try and get a bank loan to tide me over until the jointly owned studio flat in France is sold. The only option left to me is to go and live in France with the controlling husband I plucked up the courage to leave. Means living again in a country where I have no family or friends and don't understand the language,have to take the children out of the school where they are getting on really well? They will have to go through being educated in yet another new language.
I never wanted to go abroad in the first place, was pig of a husband's idea, then he lost his job out there through his own stupidity and we lost £400,000 because we then couldn't afford to pay final installments on house we were having built. The developer by law was then able to keep house and husbands money according to the law of country we lived in.
Will I ever be allowed to be happy and independent again? I feel so desperate now.
Hi Mindysmum. I'm so sorry that CAB weren't able to offer help. Don't give up yet though. There's got to be other ways surely than going back to your ex. Hopefully, Louise and Anna can offer some suggestions. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but YES, you will be happy and independant again. Please keep posting.
Hi Mindysmum
Sorry to hear that you feel so low. Citizen's Advice really are the experts moneywise so if they were unable to suggest anything then I would be surprised if they were wrong.
If you want to remain independent then you can look at being self-supporting, working and then getting a privately rented flat. Is your eldest old enough to get a weekend job and contribute? Think about how you would get a rent bond together in terms of could you borrow it? could your mum and partner help out in the interests of getting you on your feet? You would still be crowded in your own flat, the three of you, but that is a better situation than staying where you are now or going back to your husband. How about a housekeeper type job where you get accommodation? It is up to you and you will have to draw on reserves of strength you never knew you had, but it can be done.
Have emailed H, who is having the life of Reilly, skiing in France. The studio there doesnt have Internet, so will have to wait until he goes to tourist office, so he can Skype me. I know he will give me a really hard time about forcing him to sell, he just doesn't have a conscience about the fact he isn't contributing to to the upkeep of his children. He says he has no money, but how is he managing to live out there.
Will spend today applying for jobs, but I have no qualifications, so can only go for care work, cleaning or retail really. Wish me luck because if I don't get work, there is no chance I can rent somewhere, just on child tax credits. Then I will have no alternative but to leave UK, there is no way I'm going to get a bank loan and possibly put myself in debt if assets don't realise enough to cover loan, which is highly likely. Will also go for my free half an hour with solicitor, which I am sure will be another complete waste of time.
Should have asked CAB how I would manage to make repayments for bank loan, pay private rent, council tax, gas electricity, water, food, pay to get furniture, back to uk, or buy white goods, travel to minimum wages job.etc, etc. what will I be told next. Go to a loan shark!!!
Just read your post Louise, do you mean the flat I jointly own? It is rented out and rent is paid by council. The tenant would need to be evicted and that takes time. It is 200 miles from where I am now living. Children would have to leave school they are happy in. They have lived most of their lives away from family and are now loving having their granny around. I am trying to avoid them being uprooted again and know that staying where I am, would be where I would be happiest. I feel that everyone is saying I have no right to be happy. I knew this would be hard but did not realise I would not be welcome in my own country, unless I go to live in a grotty flat, in a grotty area where I don't know anyone. The building flat is in is in vey poor condition and needs over £30,000 spent on it, I am liable to pay around £7000 of this. H has always dealt with this side of things, I never wanted to be involved with it, it is not the sort of thing I am cut out for. He just told me to sign for joint ownership and he would deal with it all.
Hi Mindysmum, I am so sorry to read that you seem to be coming up against brick walls every step of the way.
Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? You have been with an abusive man who has controlled all the finances. It might be worth contacting them to find out if they have any suggestions on how you could best move forward.
You might also be interested in looking at the information on Rent Deposit Schemes, to see if there is one running in your area.
You might also consider contacting Rights of Women Advice line: 020 7251 6577 (Open Tuesday–Thursday 2–4pm and 7-9pm, and Friday 12–2pm.)
My mother is on a pension of just over £100 per week. My dad has remarried someone my age, she likes to be kept in designer clothes,handbags, expensive jewellery and holidays to Australia, Maldives etc. he said he will help with rent for a while and will pay for me (not the children) to go for a couple of weeks holiday to the affluent middle eastern country where he now lives.
I am really low at the moment, have even fallen out with my mum now. She had to leave my meeting at CAB yesterday as she was beginning to lose it . She was in tears and says she cannot cope with it any more. She has said she will cash an ISA to pay for somewhere to rent for 6 months, but has put conditions on it, which are too much pressure for me handle with the way I'm feeling now.
Been on to women's aid, rights for women etc. they have long waiting lists and I don't seem to be a priority,which is understandable. I've been told about rent bond schemes, but because I've been refused job seekers, due to property in France, all agencies have washed their hands of me and I am now floundering about on my own. I have read the link you gave but don't know if I'm entitled. I'm trying to force myself to make phone calls, but will probably take a razor blade to my wrist the next time someone says," Oh you have an asset over £16000' we cannot help". No one is interested in the fact that when assets are sold, the one in negative equity will possibly cancel out the other. How are we supposed to survive until then. Meanwhile H is happily skiing down the slopes in France without a care in the world.
Just to add, I'm not even sure who else there is to contact. I just keep coming up against brick walls.
Thank you for all the help and advice I've been given on here, but it has become clear there are no agencies to help someone in my position.
Hi again
Yes I do understand it does seem that whatever you do there is no way forward. We can suggest things till the cows come home, but ovbviously we can only work within the system that is in place!
It is always your choice what to do in any given situation but putting myself in your shoes I would:
1. Phone the Shelter Helpline on 0808 800 4444 and explain that you are running away from an abusive relationship but your local authority would not help because your name is on properties owned by your abusive ex husband
2. Contact your local MP (find them here)
3. Ask Women's Aid about temporary acccommodation or at least some guidance about this
4. Look at a flat, not the one you have mentioned but something new. The three of you could manage in an one bedroomed one for a short while if neccessary.
5. Ask your mum and her partner for help with a bond with the flat, if the partner is keen to get you rehoused then that is a motivation for him
6. Take on work, there is nothing wrong with cleaning work, I did three cleaning jobs when mine were little and went back to college and got some computer skills in the evening. With older children, things will not be quite so fraught for you. You could work in McDonalds, or at a local supermarket, not all jobs need specialist qualifications. Look in the magazine "The Lady" for housekeeping jobs with accommodation. OF COURSE you don't want the children to move schools but it may end up being a case of what is more important, and having a roof over your heads takes priority when the chips are down. Or you could think about house sharing with another parent, see here for some ideas.
7. Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit for your children comes to £133 per week. Add that to wages and Working Tax Credit (if you work at least 16 hours a week) and you begin to build a reasonable income for your family.
8. Never give up. You are your children's rock in this volatile situation and they need you to be as strong as you can manage.
But of course you may not want to do any of these things. I am just saying what I would do myself. Everyone is differerent. One thing that might help (just a bit) is if you think of a set period of time (say, a year) where you accept that you are doing and being things you don't really want to be, while you wait for the legal side to be sorted. I send you all good wishes, whatever you decide.
Hi Mindysmum
Yesterday I spoke with our single parent debt advisor who works with the CAB about how to deal with your situation. I thought I had posted the response, but it seems to have gone missing. 
Anyway his response was that you need to seek Family Law advice as soon as possible. If you are taking reasonable steps (legal) to dispose of property or get your name taken off a mortgage with equity (Court order) DWP rules allow benefits for up to 26 weeks.
If you have no income you could be entitled to Legal Aid.
Click to find out How to get Legal Aid, there is a calculator which can help you work out if you are entitled.
Thank you Louise for your very helpful post. MP has been contacted, but no help there.maybe I just don't explain myself to these people very well, I have always been very shy and reserved and have no self confidence. I don't want you all to be getting the wrong idea about me though and think I don't want to work. Even the Lone Parent Adviser at the job centre has recognised that I am not emotionally ready to take on work and has said I should just go through the motions of meeting the criteria for signing on. I still need to sign on, although not getting job seekers allowance, to earn NI credits. She said I have too much to sort out at the moment to be taking on work.
in the past I have done shelf stacking, care work (not personal care though, I don't have the stomache for that), worked in an accounts office (brain not organised enough for that)' travel agents( got sacked) and in the past I did cleaning abroad. So I'm not afraid of work, just saying I will probably only get minimum wage type of work. I love aerobics and running, so when things get back to normal, if ever, I would like to train to be a fitness teacher.
My gripe is that because, I may or more likely, may not come out with over £16000 by selling assets, I am not been given any help when I most need it. I don't necessarily mean financial help either, just someone to guide me through this minefield of bureaucracy.
I am going to try rent somewhere, my parents are going to pay 6 months rent for us. We are not spongers or scroungers, my mother will be cashing in an ISA to pay for this. She took these out to give her some security in her retirement, so how guilty do I feel!! It is the same old story of, the more you try to do for yourself and family, the less you get. I don't want to live off benefits, I am only looking for help in the short term.
Thanks for that Anna, sorry I didn't see your post until after I last posted. I will let you know how I get on. My husband has threatened that things will get very nasty if I involve a solicitor and I don't know what he means by that. So it looks like I'm on my own.
Hi MindysMum
Yes it seems that when all we want is a short term "tide us over" bit of help even that is not available! No-one is thinking you are unwilling to work, it is just that I could not see any other choices for you with no financial support. I am glad that you will have some help from family but let's face it,not everyone would even have that and the lack of provision for you and the children is really shocking.Hopefully you will be able to return some of the money to your mum in due course...as I said this is not for ever.
I do like to make lists, and it means that even if people do not agree with me, it lets them pick out the bits they do like.
Do get some legal advice and please do not be intimidated by your husband's threats, you need to know where you stand and get the ball rolling with divorce/separation proceedings.
Keep posting as there is a long haul ahead and anytime you want to let off steam or just get a bit of support, we are here
Hi Mindysmum
I agree with the Lone Parents Advisor, at this moment you are really not in the best of places to start work, you have a lot to sort out practically as well as emotionally, especially after living with an abusive partner, who has probably controlled a lot of your life.
Your life will get back to normal and this time in 5 years time you may well be a self employed fitness trainer......(if you need any guinea pigs in the meantime and want to get experience, I am in Bristol and could do with a kick up the behind!!)
I agree with you that you have been treated very unfairly and we want to support you through it. At Single Parent Action Network we have spent 21 years supporting people in your position and are shocked to read how little support and negative responses you have received from statutory agencies.
Brilliant news that you are able to rent somewhere independant and that your parents are pulling together, I know you feel guilty and a burden, but that is what families are for and you would do the same for your children when they are older.
Also once you are a personal fitness trainer you can work for well paid professionals and pay your mum back!!
Your husband is a bully and he is probably scared of authorities if he hasn't done everything by the book. Do not be afraid of him anymore, you need to get legal backing now, you have 2 children to raise and yourself to look after.
So when are you going to make that appointment?
Hello Mindysmum
Welcome to One Space.
It is true that social housing is in such short supply that only those with the most "points" can hope to get to the top of the list......points are allocated on the basis of all sorts of things such as age, disability etc,
So are you looking at private rented property? As a separated mum you could claim Job seekers Allowance and , if income related, also get the rent and council tax paid in the short term.When you get a job, as long as at least one of your children is under 18 and in education then you will be able to claim Working Tax Credit and still get some help towards the rent. Email our Housing Expert to get more housing advice.
You say that you found your husband to be very controlling, Do you consider that the relationship has been abusive? If you are not sure, have a look at this which describes the most common Types of abusive behaviour (he might be in more than one category).
You may find our Freedom Programme helpful, it is a free online course with a handbook.