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Hi Everyone I am in need of advice. I have two boys of 2 and 6 who have different fathers. My 6 year olds father has nothing to do with him (not my choice) and my 2 year olds father has been in my 6 years old son since he was 2 and he has called him daddy. We split up last september (he was sleeping with other men) and I said to him that he would have to either walk away from my 6 year old now or be in his life and he choose to have him and his brother every second weekend. My ex also has two girls of 12 and 10 from his previous marriage and the boys love them to bits.
I have the problem now of my ex changing weekends or saying he wanted to do something with the girls so couldn't take the boys that weekend (and I expect him to make up the weekend) but he said he could take them the following weekend but it would change weekends around and to cut a long story short it all was pretty awful and he said that I forget that my 6 year old is not his and that he treats him like his own and I take it for granted. I have basically said that the weekends will not be changing and I want them picked up on friday at 6pm and dropped back on sunday at 5pm and then there will be no need for us to contact each other.
I feel that maybe I should stop my 6 year old going there as I do not want this thrown in my face and am scared that it will stop eventually and it will be harder because he is older. I don't want to make any decisions without getting some advice and I want to make sure its the right decision. How do I tell my 6 year old that he wont be seeing his dad or his sisters again!! I feel I need to cut contact with my ex and just let him have his son at the times stated and get a legal document to put it in place.
Help!!
Thank you
Hi thanks for the reply. I do want both boys to see him but when he changes things and I ask for anything in return it's always he has stuff planned or wants to do something special with his girls. He clearly stated recently that he wasn't my oldest son's dad but treats him like his own and loves him and that I don't do the same for the girls and I take it for granted. I see the girls who are 10 and 12 but they have a mum and she has a partner and my ex has a partner too so i do not want to confuse the situation and it is also hard because he has them all at the same time so when he doesn't have them they have plans with their mum or I have plans because it's my weekend without the boys. I do not want that thrown in my face...it isn't for me this is for my son..I am happy to look after him all the time as I did before he came along. I would hate for my sons not to see their sisters and to be apart from each other too.
I agree that their has to be some flexibility but it can't just be one sided and whenever I ask for something "Im trying to control things and like it my own way" its a never ending battle at the moment. I feel that parenting should be equal but it isn't and when someone says "but most fathers don't do that much"..I don't care what most fathers do I just want someone who loves to see his children and not just when it suits him!!
I have asked for his address so I can speak to a solicitor and get some arrangement setup so it is in black and white and he said get it yourself!! He also said to me as far as he was concerned I don't exist to him anymore!
I can't win.
Sorry for rattling on...I just went through so much with my eldest's father (we lived in a refuge for 4 months when is was one year old) and I encouraged him to see his son so much...I have even sent pictures right up to this date to him but you can't make someone be a father.
Thank you x
Hi Jameela7, welcome from me too.
You say that you feel like you want to stop contact for your 6 year old, because you don't want that fact that your ex has taken him on, thrown in your face. You also say that your ex treats him like his own and loves and cares for him well. So I think your ex is saying this to hurt you, rather than ever say this to your son.
You have been split for nearly a year. It sounds as though there is still a lot of hurt going on here. You are angry at him, not unsurprisingly considering why you split.
Have you spoken with a counsellor at all?
I am waiting on cbt counselling at the moment as I was put on antidepressants and my midwife came to see me every week for 3 months. I totally fell apart and Im a very strong person so it hit me hard and Ive always wanted to be strong for my children. I just went back to work in March after being off since September and moved home too. I don't so much have anger towards him but I am disappointed in his attitude considering I have been very relaxed and never been nasty to him but sometimes I feel that I need space from him to get over this. I suppose it hurts that he was straight into a relationship with another woman two months later too.
I am trying to put aside my feelings for the children and I even stated to him that it wasn't enough them just seeing him for a day and half every second weekend and I took them over to him every tuesday night and picked them up...but I get really cheesed off when he moans about me being unhappy about his missing a weekend and not being prepared to replace it or yes he will but then wants to change the weekends around again and won't pick the boys up first after his work even though he passes by my house before he picks the girls up on a friday night!!
I could go on and on but my head hurts just thinking about it. Now we are at the stage of not even communicating and I don't want to be the one to have to go and talk to him when if he wants to see our children then he should be making the effort.
x
Hi Jameela7, I am not surprised your head is hurting with it all, it sounds as though you have been very accommodating considering everything.
You shouldn't have to be the one making all the steps forward and if it were me I would be letting him decide as and when he wants to see them and tell him you want a week's advance notice. As you say, you can't make him do anything. However it does sound as though he wants contact, but recently he has been unable to give a firm commitment or routine.
Are you close with any of his family?
I thought I was close with his family and have invited them to come visit etc but they haven't stayed in contact or come to visit their grandchildren when they have been in the area. His mum was adamant that we work it out and that it wasn't just affecting us it was affecting them too. I have taken a huge step back now. He is the blue eyed boy!!
We used to be like best friends when we were together and now our break up is not because of him sleeping with other men...it's my fault because seemingly I was too controlling and tried to make him into something he is not!!!!
Thank you for all your comments and advice xx
Aww hun, it sounds as though you are feeling really deserted and blamed by everyone that once used to be in your life. That is so painful and lonely.
Do you have a circle of friends that you can rely on? Or any of your family close by?
You say that communication is currently completely broken down at this moment, maybe you both need a month or so to be able to take a step back?
Thank you for all your help. I have found common ground with my ex and the children have not been affected and carry on their routine as normal. I am starting cbt counselling next week so I am really looking forward to that.
xx
Hi Jameela7, thank you for your news. I am so pleased to hear that you have managed to find common ground. What will the arrangements be?
I am also pleased to hear that you start the CBT counselling next week, here starts another journey!
Please keep checking in with us as it is always good to hear how you and the boys are getting on. I am also interested to hear how you find the CBT too. 
Hello Jameela7
Welcome along!
So what I think you are saying is that you feel Ok for your 2 year old to see his dad, within a structured schedule but that you want to stop the 6 year old going? I feel very strongly that as the 6 year old has no contact with his biological father and calls this man daddy, that you must treat his time with boys in the same way. If he lets them down then he lets them down together.
I agree it is good to stick to a schedule but there HAS to be some flexibility, after all when your boys get slightly older and are having their own social lives, they themselves are going to want that flexibility. However, at the same time, your youngest's dad needs to know that you expect him to treat both boys the same. Of course you can go to mediation together (click here to see) but there is no legal obligation to stick to any agreement there so I am not sure it is the way forward, whereas flexibility seems much more helpful.
Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear; I have worked with separated families for many years now and just want to pass on the benefit of my experience.