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Really just needing a good rant! Sorry for boring eveyone! Lol!
Well ex has been dragging me through the courts, was there at the start of december to sort out xmas contact. He wanted them from xmas day until new years eve. He wanted more time with them instead of his usual one night a week. Because he missis them and wants to spend more time with them since its christmas! My heart bleeds (sarcasm) So anyway, we go to court, i say i dont mind if they go on boxing day, ofcourse that wasnt good enough the same as anything i suggest. Ended up the judge made the decision because we couldnt agree. He had ti have them from 26th until 29th. I wasnt best pleases to be honest, 3 Nights for me is a bit much but atleast he wasnt getting them on xmas day.
So boxing day comes along, i take the kids up to my mums (he isnt allowed to no where i now stay as i have an injunction out against him) for him to collect them at 12 oclock as agreed in court. The kids are sitting with there coats and shoes on all excited about seeing him to tell him what santa had brought them! And they wait....and wait.....and wait. At half past one, 1&1/2 hours late he appears thinking everythings fine, its not a problem to keep them waiting, and its me whos in the wrong and im a bitch for not being pleased at how late he was!!! Rage wasnt even the word!!!
So the kids go away with him. I had made plans to go out for dinner with my best friend. a few hours later im sitting in the resturant with k and my phone beeps. Message from him. "did you tell the boys there staying with me until satarday?" i reply, "yes 3 nights, thats what was agreed" him "you said 3 nights was to long so i was only to have them 2 the judge said" me "no i said a week was to long! The judge decided 3 days was long enough so thats what was put it place" no reply back!! I actually think if he had a brain he would be dangerous!!
So the kids come home and tell me that they stayed at his house for 2 nights and with his mum the 3rd night, dad had plans he was going out and didnt come back until it was time to bring us home today!!!
So after all that wanting them for a week crap he couldnt even have them for 3 nights because hes more interested in having a social life! The man is a joke!! I am sick and tired of this whole situation! I have my kids 24/7 and it doesnt bother me that i dont go out socilising every week end because my kids are more important and the first time that he gets them for more than 1 night since last may he palms them off with his mum!! I am sooo angry!! Back in court end of jan, lets see what bulls**t he comes out with then!!
Ive started writing things down since we started going to court. I just dont understand him. I think he just wants things his way and even if the court says one thing he still does what he wants to do. I love spending time with my kids, taking them on days out doing fun things together. Today we had a picnic in the living room because it was raining:) Id rather be doing that than sitting in a pub drinking. I just think hes the complete oppisite. And now the only way he can still control my life is by dragging me through the courts so thats what hes doing.
Yeah i think they enjoyed it, the kids are now used to our situation, its just became normal to them now that we dont speak exept via text message or the odd face to face argument. Which i try my best to keep the kids away from. As much as i still hate it and constantly worry they dont mind going now.
Im doing alot better. Still have my down days, usually when the kids are with him. I done the freedom program and that really helped me understand everything thats happened. Im trying to just move on with my life now and solely consentrate on myself and the boys. Ive had the court date in (may) for when he attacked me. Dreading it. But i think once i get through that i can mabey try and draw a line under everything thats happened and try to move on from it.
On the upside we had a great xmas day, ive finally passed my driving test the week before xmas (after 9 attempts!!!!) and my best friend had a baby boy today:) Just trying to consintrate on the possitives:)
Hope you had a great xmas and nee year to!
J x
WOW what a lot of positives! I think it can really help to list what we have achieved, and you have a great deal. May is quite a long way off, unfortunately, so it is worth trying to "put that in a box" in the meantime.
It sounds as if you are coping well with the situation and certainly supporting the children through it all. Glad you enjoyed the Freedom Programme, did you do our online course or the face to face one?
Well done for passing your driving test...nine times, well that tells me what a determined person you are. Now the million dollar question, are you going to be able to buy a car?
hi yummymummy23 i bet you were mad i know i would have been but its funny how they get selective hearing when it suits them !but like me i log it down in a book not only for me and police but also for my two boys so they can see when they are older that i never held anything back etc . no come on here and rant saves you from bottling it up . please dont dread that court date i did it and came through it yes not nice but it makes you stronger and these people cant carry on hitting us or anyone else takes guts to carry on to press charges but it takes a bigger person to do it and show these taht they are wrong and have a problem.
you will have down days but they will slowly ease and well doen on passing your test .
I have been trying to put it in a box until then. Easier said than done though. Ive got alot of support from my mum and my friend now that ive finally told them everything thats happened. Dont no why i didnt tell them sooner. I am determined he will be found guilty and get what he deserves. Im terrified about having to stand up in court and day what happened with him there staring at me. I keep thinking ive done it before i can do it again! (long story short, i witnessed someone being murdered many years ago) I had to give evidence in the high court with a murderer staring at me. So in someways it might be easier this time.
Yes i was very determined to pass. Learning to drive was something he would never "let" me do, so i feel a great sense of achievement and freedom now that i have finally done it. Just to "show him" that i have done it! Broke one of his rules if you like:) I have been saving hard the past few months and with a little help from my mum can now finally afford one! Just a wee old micra but it'll do me just fine. Pick it up on satarday. Cant wait!
I done the freedom program online. It really helped me understand how i let him do all those things to me without me even relising what he was doing as that was what i was struggling with.
I never thought that in years to come i could show the kids the book, thats a really good idea shaz:) it will show them when there old enough what kind of father he has really been to them. As there young just now and will prob forget all that has happened.
Thanks for the support, feel better now after my rant! It does help to get it all out:)
J x
Well done on passing your driving test. It makes such a difference...
Loads of hugs from me.
Thanks love xx
How exciting, good luck with the new car!!
Hooray for 'breaking the rules' 
What a fantastic achievement Yummymummy23! Well done you!
A new car too! What colour?
Thanks guys:)
Its blue! The boys are really excited to. My eldest cant wait to be drivin to school on monday lol. Great start to 2013. Hoping my luck is finally changing and this will be a better year for us:)
Jx
Yes, I hope so too!! 
I hope you got the the car ok and it makes you feel brilliant! Have you been for a spin? 
Picked it up on satarday:) wen ex dropped the boys off on sunday, A got out his car so excited because mine was sitting there, he was like mum is that our new car? It felt great saying YES infront of him, you should have seen the look he gave me! It felt amazin that he cant do a thing about it:) i did it, and did it on my own!
Jx
Yes you did - high 5! A proud moment!
Well... Thats it happened again! Cant say im not surprised! Ex was suppost to pick up the boys on satarday. His mum appears to get them, half an hour late may i add! So the boys go away and get dropped back off tonight, by his mum again!
I say to my eldest, did you have fun with your dad then? My reply was, we disnt see him, he was away out all day and all nite with his friends drinking lots of beer! So i say, didnt he come to grans to see you today? No mum he was in his bed all day again because he felt sick after all the beer he drank!
I am sooooo angry! Apart from my 6 year old telling ne this, things to me a 6 year old shouldnt no about, i can only think this information came froms exs mum. But hes dragging me through the courts to get access then isnt even there to see them when they go there just palmed off on his mum so he can go out drinking!
I have court again on tuesday. Should i make my solicitor aware of all this? Will things like this change the access he has? I could actually scream!
Jx
Also, if i had to stop contact based on his in consistancy and not following the court order, what would happen? Legally? Would it be me thats in the wrong for breaking it al together?
Id be reallt greatfull for any advice:) thanks
Jx
Personally, as you are in Court on Tuesday I would make your solicitor aware.
If there is a Court order in place, you would, I believe, need to take the matter back to Court to change the order, otherwise you would be in the wrong for breaking it.
In theory, when the child is in the care of a parent, so long as the children are safe, it is up to the parent what happens during that time. I'm not justifying what has happened here, not at all. Its just an argument that can be used...
Hi yummymummy23, how were the boys after the visit with their gran? I am not sure if you have said before so sorry if this is a repeat question but, do they enjoy staying with her?
I agree with sparklinglime, you must speak with your solicitor about this weekend and they will be able to advise.
I would be surprised if the court upheld withdrawn contact, as they do believe it is good that the children have a relationship with the whole family, if possible.
My ex used to do similar and I used to find it infuriating, however as long as the children are fed and cared for, there was little I could do.
Try and be practical at this point, rather than letting your emotions guide you. Meaning is it practical for your boys to stay with their gran? Yes it means that you (and they) are uncertain of what is going on before it happens, but are they fed and cared for by someone who loves them?
Do let us know what your solicitor says. Good Luck
I have calmed down a bit now after sleeping on it. Feel a bit better after my rant to! Lol.
They do enjoy being with their gran, she is really good to them, i couldnt fault her for that. A told me this morning that he had phoned his dad and it was him that had told him about the drinking beer thing not his gran. When we went to court to start with, i asked for the contact to take place at her house, so in a way it was supervised, the kids would be fed proper food not just took to the chip shop (like what he does) and her house is clean and well looked after un like his. But unfortunatly the courts sided with what he wanted. I will be making my solicitor aware of whats happened, but i really dont think itll change anything. As yous said there with a family member and being well looked after.
Its just i fell like, why is he dragging me through the courts for access, he gets it unsupervised, in his own home, and hes not even there to spend time with them when they go! This is whats really annoying me. He goes on like hes super dad and infact hes the complete oppisite.
Hes also stopped paying his csa money. The csa are now contacting his employers to get the money through them now before he gets his wages. Im hoping that will be alot better than all the hassel every month trying to get it from him. He says hes not been paying it because he doesnt have the money, but he has a really well paying job and he can afford to go out drinking all the time. So how can he not afford to pay for his children! Its an absolute joke!
I will let yous no what happens at court tomorrow. Thanks for the advice:)
Jx
Hi yummymummy23, it is bizarre that he is taking this through court, I agree, but I am glad to read that you are happy with the children being with gran. That does make life easier knowing that if dad lets them down, gran will be able to step in and care appropriately.
I am glad that you have contacted CSA regarding his payments, your boys deserve that.
Best of luck tomorrow
Hi,
The courts should want to know what has happened since the last court hearing. At this piont it needs to be pionted out the lateness, the no show by him, the lack of resposiblity etc. Be perpared for the courts to deside that there must be a joint custody and that he will have even more time than he has with them at the moment.
Try and get things written in that you can have telephone contact with your children when they are away from you.
So that you are flexable, which you have already shown as you are taking your children and waiting and hour and a half for them. You have also stood your ground about the 3 days and not 2 days he then wanted.
At the end of the day it will depend on how good you baraster is and the judge.
The judge I had had descided that no matter what joint residency was now his thing and splitting children as close to half is the new way to go..... The fact until that piont my ex even applying for full residency only wanted to see them for 6 hours everyother Saturday wasn't taken into consideration. They just listen to his charming banter. Since then the kids are coming back to me more and more.
Good luck keep that diary and fingers crossed for you and the children.
I hope the CSA sort things out quickly. And I do hope court goes well tomorrow.
It does make the mind boggle as to why he is taking it through court though, doesn't it?
xx
To be honest i really dont see them doing that. He works full time from 8 in the morning to 6 sometimes 7 at night mon-thu finshes ar 2 on a fri and every second satarday. My eldest son is at school and he lives a half hour drive from us and doest have a car so he wouldnt be able to take A to school or pick him up. My youngest is at nursery (which is attached to the school) from 9 until half 11. He would also not be able to drop off or pick up him. Or look after them outwith these hours. So he couldnt possibly have them during the week and to be honest i dont think he would want the hassell either.
Thanks for the advice
Jx
Hi yummymummy23, i'm with sparkling it boggles the mind why he is going for extra contact.
Good Luck with court tomorrow and a hug just incase you need one x
Mines to. Think its all about the control. Its the only thing hes got left to try to control me with.
Thanks for the support everybody:) It means alot. I'll let you know how i get on tomorrow. Going to go for a nice long bath now try to relax, hoping i'll be able to sleep tonight.
Jx
Hi Yummymummy23, I hope you enjoyed your relaxing bath last night and you did get a good nights sleep.
I imagine you will be doing the same again tonight...how did it go?
Hi:)
Enjoyed my bath:) never got much sleep though. Was up sick most of the night. I think just with worry and nerves.
Went to court this morning and he didnt show up!! Sat in the witnesd room for almost two hours waiting on them trying to phone him. Finally my solicitor came in and said they had got a hold of him and he said he forgot it was today and would be there 40 mins. Finally he appeared.
The judge has decided to change the contact from weekly to fortnightly. I am really pleased with this. Ex was so angry. When i was leaving the court, i had to walk past the room he was in and i could hear him on the phone going loopy, so hes clearly not happy with the decision.
He was getting them one week fri- sat next week sat- sun. The judge said this wasnt consistant enough (although it was a different judge that made this decision to start with) and it didnt give me enough time to spend with the children, as there at nursery and school during the week, i only have every second sunday for a full day to spend quality time with them. So he has changed it so they can spend quality time with me at the weekenD to. Im over the moon about this:)
Hopefully my luck is continuing to change and karma is biting him on the bum:)
Jx
I am so glad you are pleased with the result.
So......say if you were a parent that was adamant about your "rights", would you forget when the court case was????????? GRRRR!
Hope you feel that the pressure has eased for you and you can spend more time with your children?
I'm glad you're pleased too :-)
It was rather infuriating when they came and told me he hadnt showed up. The judge wasnt pleased with him. Said he was wasting the courts time. I think this might be one of the reasons he cut his access in half, he could see he had no respect for me, him or the court, and if he desperatly wanted to see his children he would have been there. He could see with his i dont give a to** attitude, and the way he was dressed. Jeans, tshirt and trainers, needed a shave badly and a hair cut. I was even surprised at this. I thought he would have been suited and booted.
I do honestly think he doesnt really care if he sees the boys or not, i think hes doing this as an attempt still to control me.
I think things will be alot easier for me and the kids now. There already planning what were doing at the weekend. I think there really excited about being able to do fun things with me instead of sitting in dads flat playing computer games or getting sent to there grans because dad cant be bothered with them.
Thanks for the support everybody:)
Jx
Oh yummymummy23, that is such good news!
What a shocker that everyone had to wait for him, I guess it was better than it being adjourned though and I won't say what I would have done if I were the judge 
So what are your plans for the weekend?
I know! The judge and the solicitors looked raging when he finally appeared.
Think were going swimming on satarday and soft play on sunday:) so really looking forward to it!
Ex started texting me this evening. He was demanding the childrens birth certificates, there doctors and dentists name and address, the head teacher and class teachers names at As school and my address. He says he has the right to know all these things. Im really not sure legally where i stand on all this. Is he intitled to have this information? To be honest, i dont mind if he nos the teachers names (if he showed any intrest in how A is doing at school he would already know) he has been told previously in a letter from my solicitor who and where there doctor is and he had been to the dentist with them several times before when we were still together. I dont want him to no my address because im frightened hell come to the house. I dont know why he wants there birth certificates and the thought if he has them frightens me as i really dont no quite what he would be capable of doing with them. Ie applying for passports and taking them away etc.
Anyone any ideas on this? Does he have the right to have any of this information or their birth certificates??
Jx
Does he not know which school they go to? Then let him contact the school to find the information.
The same with the dentist and GP.
Personally I would hold on to the birth certificates. I had the fear of The Git taking the children to Texas. My solicitor adviced me to get passports for my children, as if he then applied, the application would not have progressed as it would show that they had passports.
I'm not sure if he would be able to get birth certificates, however. In my case The Git never did ask for them.
With regards to the texts. Maybe getting a new sim card, and perhaps just checking this one once a week to see if there are any texts regarding the children.
If you do text back try not to be emotional, perhaps something like 'you already know this information' and leaving it at that.
If texts become threatening, are you able to download them onto a computer? This can be useful if you are able to do this. And keep a note of his behaviour.
Yes he knows what school he goes to. I dint even no why he wants to know all this. Just says he has legal rights to have this information. I think hes just trying to find ways to hassell me.
Im not giving him there birth certificates but i dont no wither he could just say they were lost and pay for neW ones. They already have passports but again he could say they were lost and apply for new ones.
Thats a good idea about sim cards. I think i'll prob do that. I have an old phone so i think i might just tell him ive changed my number and give him the number for that phone. That way i can just switch it off and forget about him.
I try my best just to ignore him but there was alot of abuse in along with the texts, its hard not to let it bother me. I did end up yesterday just not texing back after a few messages. Just so it would stop. Im keeping the texts in my phone to show my soliciter. See what she says. He said if i dont give him all the information he wants then he'll go to his solicitor and she'll get it for him. So im waiting on a letter.
Jx
I would be inclined to let him get lost in his own steam for a little while. It sounds like a lot of bluster to me. What does your own solicitor say?
hey the weekend sounds fab, the children will love it!
Hi
Do you have a email account. I would get one and start getting him to email the information etc. I would also cc any correspondance to your solicitor. Easier to show the paper trail this way. Or if you can talk by email down load your texts onto a computer and keep a paper copy.
Passports, the passport office has advice if you think that your children are going to be aducted. I can think you can inform them that you have the passports so if he does try to aply for them again it will flag up in the system.
GP. Mine starting shouting from the roof tops about not having the GP's address etc. It was an attempt to do two things one was to say how completely unreasonable I was and two so he could f*** with the medication. I held off but eventually had to tell him the date of the email with all the details in. Less than a month later he f***ed with the repeat percription. Excuse my language.
Let him go to his solicitor, let your solicitor deal with it. I have sent out various solicitors letters for him to sign, he has refused too. We knew he would and we knew he would stamp his dominance by doing the complete opposite we asked him to do. regardless of the outcome. But it is there if it happens again and we have to take it to court.. because that is the only option left.
Keep your replies, short to the piont and non aggressive. Easy to be sucked into his way of doing things and that is what he wants.
The voice of experience there suneagle, thanks. Have edited your post re language, as we say we are the equivalent of a PG certificate film here, if that makes sense
Hi everybody:)
Sorry ive not been on, internets been playing silly beggers.
Well ive not heard from him again or his solicitor as yet. Im thinking, well hoping he might just have been trying to upset me as he wasnt pleased about what happened in court.
He has the kids this weekend so ill see him tomorrow, just going to try my best to ignore him.
J x
Hi yummymummy23 yes even if the encounter upsets you try not to let him see that. Think of a good "key phrase" that you can keep on repeating if he tries to provoke you, something like "this is your time with the children, anything you have to say to me can be done through the solicitor" and just keep saying it however he tries to draw you into a discussion or argument.
Hi everyone:)
Not been on in a while been really busy with the kids and new job.
Just a little up date, well had court last week for when ex assulted me. he was pleading not guilty of course, but after i gave my evidence and the judge was shown pics of my injurys etc he was found guilty and sentanced to 8 weeks in prison! I am over the moon!
I was terrified of going, having to stand there in front of him, terrified they wouldnt believe me. But i stayed strong, stuck to my guns and justice has been done:)
J x
Well done to you, it is soooo important to stand up for ourselves and now it is on record and you are vindicated, GOOD FOR YOU!
Thanks:) means alot. I was all ready to drop the charges because i wad so frightened about it all, i was actually being physically sick with worry but i am so glad i never and he has got what he deserves:)
Anyone any advice on what to say to the kids when they start asking where he is and why there not going to see him for a few weeks? So far ive not said a word as it was my weekend with them last week, but im sure im going to get a few questions come friday.
jx
Yummymummy23
Well done you. So glad the judge believed you. I don't know how old your children are but you could just say that Daddy a bad thing to Mummy and a man says he has to go away and think about what he has done for a while.
What do you think?
Be honest with them, I am with mine he didn't go away, but he did try to brain wash them by saying he didn't do what he did and Mummy was making it all up, it ws an accident if Mummy does this then you are to shout she's hit me...all sorts of mind games.
I have just always and gentley kept to the trueth, taught them that it is a choice he made. His behavour is nothing to do with or a relfection on who they are.
The same as they make a chose on whether or not to hit a friend because they don't liek what they did and what happens then? So it becomes a conversation they ask questions and you not only answer them simply but get them to think what they might have done, or what should happen.
Sorry that was long.
So glad you stayed strong. :)
Good post suneagle. The truth can be told in a gentle way, there is a big difference in a constructive and calm discussion about hitting being wrong and a tirade of screaming about what a xxxx his dad is, which I know is not your plan It is sad that children have to learn this about their dad, in general I am in favour of protecting children from harsh truths but this does need to be handled in a (low-key) truthful way in my opinion.
Expect some anger from your children, maybe even (unfairly) directed against you but stay calm and ride it out
There 6 & 3. My wee one wont be that bothered as hes to young to understand but my eldest will ask questions. They no what happened as they both witnessed it, and up until now hes bein doing a bit of brain washing, i do my best to put things right when A says somthing not true hes told him, mainly about me.
I think i'll just have to sit them down and try and explain it to them, i feel i do have to be honest with them, i need them to understand that this is the consequences of what he did to me. Its just at the age there at to them jail is this big bad place that really bad people go to, i relise it is but them in thrir little heads its much worse than it prob actually is. i fear theyll be frightened for their dad being in there if you no what i mean. Dont really know if that makes much sense. Lol
jx
Yes, it sounds as if you have really thought it through. As long as you remain open to letting them ask questions then you can reassure them about any fears
One of mine is almost 7 the phyical stuff started when he had just turned 5. I couldn't face going to court, he got a caution instead. He started proceedings to take the children away from me the day after he was arrested, dragging me through months of the legal system which meant I could not face going to court and other things. It was a tatic from him that worked.
Children play out a lot of what went on. I was adviced a while ago when my son was no verbal to get a doll, not a teddy and watch the interation. It was an eye opener, there was so much more he had picked up, which worked its way out after that I didn't even realise. Get a doll each for the children.
Let them know that it is okay for them to love thier father, his actions were not okay and sometimes that means going to a big scary place.
The biggest eye opener I had is when my ex was arrested and I was asked when is Daddy coming back. I told them not for a while, they slept through the night and then every night until they were forced to go back and see him..
We have a magic box of hugs and all sort of things in place so they can feel they are not alone when I am not there as the abuse and control is still on going where he can.
The one thing I have learnt sometimes what you think is what they are worried about, they don't and there is something so of the wall that is really causing them upset. Let them play, watch, let them talk, have made up stories where they tell you which direction this story is going to take, 3 is not too young for this either.Most of all have patience not to jump in and talk over them and to tell them it is okay not to talk too. Let them know it is okay for them to hate you, don't like you, don't love you anymore, for that is never personal, that is them being with a safe and loveing parent who allows them to process the confusion. The same as if they are a little clingy, that is okay too.
Do make sure the boundaries are in place and routines, this helps children so much along with little treats. We've done picnic's on the floor in the house because the weather was to bad to go outside. Doesn't have to cost anything.
Hugs,
Hi Yummymummy23, good for you for going through the whole court thing and what a positive response from the judge - 8 weeks!
I can completely understand where you are coming from with telling the children, and I think that you have had some really good responses from others, but am wondering whether you need to say prison at this point? What about "Daddy has to go away for a few weeks because he has been naughty"? (Although this might infer to their little minds that if they are naughty, they will get sent away) How about 'Daddy isn't allowed to see you for a little while because he was naughty when he hit Mummy' You don't have to say where he is, you could say that a Judge (an important person) decided this and then just have a discussion about behaviour and consequences.
What do you think?
Hello yummymummy23
Not surprised you were angry! Have to say I have seen this happen umpteen times. Please write down the facts each time anything happens and you can present this in court. Hope that despite everything your children had a good time?
Happy New Year to you and how are things going in general?