Hi everyone
Thanks for having me here! I became a single Mum 2 1/2 years ago but I am only just really grappling with the issues (slow learner I'm afraid!!) In some ways I don't know what I've been doing - sleepwalking I think! Here is my story if anyone can advise me I would me most grateful.
I have 2 boys - one born 2007 and one born 2009.
I never wanted children (please don't hate me for saying that!) but when I met XH he had a strong family vision and I bought into it. Before I got pregnant with DS1 I made him agree that we would share responsibility 50/50. We talked about how these days men were just as capable as women of taking care of children and that I would be able to keep my career. He wanted to be very hands on and he was.
I went back to work part time when DS1 was 4 months old. He spent a few hours at the childminders each week, a couple of hours at my Mum's and the rest with XH and I.
I suffered very badly with my back and pelvis during pregnancy and afterwards I was still in a lot of pain etc. I was hapy to stick at one baby but XH was keen to have 2. I felt if we waited for me to get back to normal I wouldn't want to go through it again. at this point XH was very happy being a Dad and everything was going fine so we decided to have another one quickly and for me to recover afterwards. I have actually only just completed my recovery a few months ago.
When XH left the boys were 1 and 2 years old (they're 3 and 5 now). It was completely out of the blue for me. I wasn't happy because XH wasn't happy and we had a lot of debt which he refused to do a IVA with, however, I thought it was a bad patch. He said he had problems at work (a common theme in his life) so when he told me he thought the problem was our relationship I was really shocked.
At the time I was devastated. Having come from a dysfunctional family with divorced parents I felt it was my worst nightmare coming true (btw I don't believe single parent families are all dysfuntional just as I don't believe all "traditional" familes are functional but part of my family's dysfunction was around the divorce and the narcisstic personalities within it.)
Anyway, needless to say it was a very hard time. My family were unsupportive of me. For example, my Mum was more concerned about what her mother would say than what I was going through. When I found out about his infidelity a few months later she told me I should look better to show him/her. I'm not into game playing tbough.
I realised he had undermined my confidence but also I know now a lot of my low self esteem was from the criticism I have always had from my Mum (which I have only just realised this year as it is very veiled.) In the case of XH I didn't even believe I could bath the children. There were certain jobs he did and only he could do right. The first time I had to bath them I had to phone a friend to check I was doing it right (she thought I was crazzzyyy!!) She made me see of course I could do it.
I decided to declare myself bankrupt as I didn't believe he would deal with the debt and I didn't want to be responsible for it. I then moved into rented accomodation with the children where I have been since.
At first he had them every weekend then he decided it was too much and moved to one night one weekend two nights the next. He was always cancelling seeing them for his social life which really upset them although he has stopped doing that now thank goodness.
So now my issue is resentment. When I need him he doesn't help but he keeps saying he wants to be involved so again it's subtle. He complains i'm witholding the children from him but I never have. He says when he offers to help I throw it back in his face but I can't even think of a time I did that. I hate asking him for help as he always says no but in a very long winded way (i.e. I ask him for something specific he says he might be able to help me out with a bit of it he'll get back to me etc)
A few of weeks ago I was in A and E and he wouldn't look after the children as he had a rehearsal he wouldn't cancel. He says he understands he is next in line in responsibility but in practice he isn't.
I know there will be those of you who get no help at all reading this thinking what is she moaning about. I am grateful I do get a break every other weekend but I pay a very high price for his involvement. I actually think it is causing me a fair bit of anxiety. I think it's the duplicity I find hard - he says one thing but his actions say something else. I don't think I have fully appreciated my single mother status until now as he is always there although he isn't really.
So a couple of weeks ago I came up with this idea that I would also go to work and we would share childcare equally - i.e. a rolling three days or me mons and tues, him Thurs and Fris and alternating Wed and weekends.
I think it would resolve the responsibility issue and the fact I need to focus on my career for mine and the boys future. I don't know if it's possible to operate a system like that with someone who lies as much as he does but I really don't want to feel resentful anymore. It's obvious from some things he said that he is resentful of me too although he denies it.
If anyone has stuck with this rambling, how can I see myself as a single Mum and react appropriately? Has anyone run a 50/50 system with such young children?
I'll stop now as it's late and I fear I may be not making any sense.
Thanks for reading!
Gem
Hello GoodEnoughMum and welcome to One Space
You have your hands full at the moment with your boys and just recovered from the awful back pain as well. I too have seen the one week on, one week off system work well but the point is this: both parents have to be committed to it, and it does not sound as if their dad is. So if you want to go back to work you need to think about what you would do if he was not involved at all.
On an emotional level, I was wondering if the dynamic between you and the boys' dad recreates in some way the dynamic between you and your Mum? you feel put down by both of them in different ways. We often end up with a partner who is like one of our parents as we subconsciously seek to "have another go" at that sort of relationship and solve our original discomfort. This is something you can look at with a counsellor.
I hope you can see that these boards are a friendly and welcoming and non-judgemental place and that you will feel at home here to share with us!!!
Thanks Louise and SparklingLime. I was worried I would be judged on here for some reason so I'm really grateful for your kind responses. I have the boys today and we are off out for the day so I will write more later.
Thanks so much for your support.
Gem
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Hi GoodEnoughMum. Welcome along. I don't have any problems with my son's father, as he's never been around anyway, but I do sympathise with those that do have problems. I do hope your back pain is now sorted. When you're dealing with other stuff, pain can also make things ten twice worse.
Hope you're enjoying the weekend.
Hi GoodEnoughMum and welcome from me too 
It sounds as though the last few years have been quite a struggle, but you are just about managing and now you at the point where you are taking some control over the decisions that are being made in your life.
Can I ask - are you wanting to share the care, because you don't feel he takes on enough responsibility, or are you needing to do it because you don't think you can cope? Bottom line, is this to make your ex step up, for you to be able to work, or for the boys to have both parents equally in their lives?
Thanks so much for all the comments. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last couple of days. Tonight I looked back over all the emails between us since he left and it is so sad to read how nice and accomodating I was being. At first I was keeping him filled in in a chatty way about the boys but as time went on my communication has got more and more formal as he was unpleasant and started lying and using things I had said in the past to try and manipulate me.
I agree totally he is exactly the same as my Mum! I have got so much peace since breaking contact with my Mum I wish I could do the same with XH but I could never do that to the boys.
I am trying to work out tonight what is my motivation as you mention Anna. There are two issues - one is that I need to go back to work in January 2014 anyway and I have just realised working part-time, whilst no worse than working full time in terms of benefits, means less earning potential. My earning potential has already been eroded anyway. If I am serious about a career I don't see any way forward other than full time working.
The second issue is his responsibility. I want to hold him to the 50/50 thing. However, I appreciate what you say that he has to be committed. The problem with him is he says one thing but means another so if you call him on it he comes up with excuses. For example, this time he said I should have told him before he got his new job (implying that if i'd only told him sooner it would have been no problem!!)
I am also struggling with him believing his own lies. I know I shouldn't care about what he believes and that's where I want to be, but it is bugging me that he told my friend the other day that he has never had the choice of how much he wanted to see the boys (implying he doesn't see them enough).
The reality is that a year and a half ago I asked him what he wanted and got nowhere. He never makes a decision so in the end I do. It's his modus operandi in general which is why he is not successful in work. He refuses to make decisions because then he doesn't have to be held accountable. I have given him loads of opportunities to see the boys outside of his allotted time - for example, half terms - and he has never taken me up on it.
The problem with him is there are two things going on. There is the surface and there is what is really happening underneath. This is what has been holding me back I now realise. By listening and believing and trying to work with the surface I have inadvertently stopped myself committing to single motherhood.
On one hand I know I should ignore what he is saying and just say to myself 1) he isn't really interested in the boys, 2) he doesn't really want to see them, 3) it doesn't matter if he and everyone he knows believes I am stopping him seeing them/he is the victim.
Somehow I need to let go of the resentment and realise I am not going to be able to hold him to 50/50. Although how it works with him I could get him to do it (with notice and by saying it's either that or his becomes the main carer) but it would be infinitely better if I could make my peace with it and just get on with being a single Mum.
I have been doing everything a single mother does but for some reason I haven't embraced it fully. I think because he is there being all fake reasonable and "we're in this together" and also my Mum's negativity for which I was constantly having to minimise the situation to cope with (it's not that bad really, he's not that bad Mum, etc.) I have been taking all the responsibility but he's somehow been spinning it so it seems like he is hard done by. it's so fraustrating!
When I think of a single mother I think of someone plunged into adversity such as finding out you're pregnant and the father not wanting to have anything to do with you or your husband walking out never to be seen again. I think of single mothers hitting rock bottom and fighting tooth and nail to crawl out, doing the best they can for their family and achieving so much through adversity. I haven't done any of that. I just hit rock bottom, got up, walked along it and told myself it was fine.
What have it been doing????????!!!!!
I need to wake up and smell the coffee. There are basically 3 events which have jolted me into this current turmoil:
1)My Mum and I going no contact has made me revisit my childhood issues and how I have allowed them to affect my adulthood
2) In March I found out he lied to me in the same conversation where he said he didn't lie anymore. We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago to discuss that I wanted to work full-time and I called him on it. He denied it at first then made excuses for it!
3) He emailed me on 9th September to tell me he could no longer pay maintenance from 22nd of that month. Unfortunately when I moved into the property the rental was £100 more than HB (there was literally nowhere else that would have me) and he knew I relied on that money. He also new from March he wouldn't be able to pay in September and he never gave me any notice.
All these things have made me feel very vulnerable and alone. I don't have a good enough support system to be a single Mum but at least I might be getting somewhere with working out how to stop XH affecting me. Also my eldest son who was previously very Daddy orientated has gradually stopped going on about him and missing him so I feel it might even be better to not have him around so much.
He is so maniplulative. He tried everything to get me to change my mind about working full time. Even below the belt stuff. I won't go into it here but I think there has been a bit of a sea change in me. Somehow I think he will find it harder to manipulate me in future.
Sorry for going on! Thanks so much for your help.
Gem
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Hello GoodEnoughMum
Wow you have been doing some serious reflection.
Interesting what you say about your image of a "single mum" I had to do quite an adjustment in my perceptions when my marriage ended. I sort of did a double take and thought "ohhhhhh, I'm a single parent, it's not what I imagined"
Sounds as if you are thinking it is time to take charge?
Yes Louise that's exactly right! Although I don't want to do that and still find myself angry and resentful towards him. I need to think about it more before doing anything. Luckily I see a counsellor every other week and I am due to see her today. I also have an appointment at the job centre today so I can go over my options with them.
Thanks for replying1
x
Good luck and let us know how you get on.....
Hi, had good trip to Jobcentre. It was good to know about my options. Most lucrative is working full time if I can get a job that pays enough, although working full time with XH taking half the childcare works out better when you factor in his maintenance is unreliable. All good info to know but when I was there it just really clarified it's not about the money at all. It's about the career/future and about the principle of him not doing what he said he would.
At my counselling I was able to summarise the problem. Basically, he thinks we are coparenting (because he talks to them on the phone, supports me by "helping me out" with having them every other weekend, because he gives me loads of unsolicited advice etc.) and I have been operating as if we are coparenting (so that very pc modern middle class way of working together to bring up your children) whilst allowing him to continue to abuse me in the same way he did when we were together.
I need to be able to let go of holding him to the 50/50 and realise the reality. The funny thing is I realised if he would just admit the truth (that he really doesn't want to have any more responsibility etc) and preferably apologise I could move forward as a single mother.
Then I thought how ridiculous I am letting myself get "stuck" over a "sorry" that will never come. Somehow I need to be able to keep him at a distance and just be able to look at him and smile at him in his own little fantasy world where he is a great Dad. I have to find a way to be okay with him living in la-la land in order that I can live in reality.
On the way home from my therapists I had an aha moment! I was able to name to myself the feeling that I had when I said yes to having children having previously been against it. Basically, I grew up irritating my mother, inconveniencing her and causing her to sacrifice everything (except she was only a single Mum until I was 6 - 5 years of sacrifice but I paid for it all my life!!)
When I was an adult I swore to myself I wouldn't become a wife who lives in her husband's shadow and has his kids at the expense of her dreams. This is why I struck the deal I did with XH. Of course I can now see my Mum's reason for reacting the way she did to me was nothing to do with the experience of having children/me being a particularly demanding child and everything to do with her personality problems and anxieties (and narcissistic traits ).
So from that I can deduce that if I ensure I am mentally healthy and don't resent my children there is no reason I can't be a single Mum and "sacrifice" etc. Especially if I let myself have a career - when my Mum remarried when I was 6 she still didn't follow her dreams/have a career so she can't blame it all on being a single mother.
I think I might be getting closer to the bottom of the issue and ready to get my single Mum wings!! Any thoughts gratefully received!
Thanks
Gem
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Hi Gem
Really enjoyed reading through your posts and glad you're feeling positive about things.
Thanks SparklingLime. Unfortunately I'm feeling really stressed and upset now and it's a long time til my next counselling.
When I got back I had a bath and I had another moment where I realised the answer is in how I feel/felt about children before I had them (which I can see if I look at my sister) and i'm really now not sure if I know how to be a Mum.
I have always been rough with them for example even when they were babies I wasn't super careful getting them dressed. It can't have been bad because no one ever mentioned it and the boys were fine with it but there's something about the uncaring way I got them dressed (more like how I've seen my friends with 3 or more children but shouldn't my first have been more precious?)
But then when my eldest was 9 months old he got a potentially life threatening infection and noone listened to me for 2 months until finally they did and he was in hospital for 3 weeks. If I was such a bad Mum I wouldn't have been the only one to see what was going on and there has been numerous things since (athma, hernias etc.)
I don't exactly know why I am posting as this is totally nonsensical just feel like I needed to put it down there. I only know how to be nurturing with a slight barrier like my Mum did and as I got older it got less and less. I don't want that for my children. If it doesn't come naturally how do I do it? Is it just about empathising? Do I need to spend time thinking about how they must be feeling? I am an empathetic person so it should be possible?
I feel like I may have lost a lot of time in bonding with them and being a proper Mum. Maybe I would have done better with one? I feel bad now for everything I have said above. I can see it all stemming from how my Mum was with me but I couldn't see it before as she was overbearing in my life.
Really now not sure of the purpose of this post but thanks for the space to write it.
Gem
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With my first, I didn't actually feel that I bonded with him until he was 9 months old. No idea if it had anything to do with my Dad dying two and a half weeks before he was born, or if I'd have been like that anyway. I went back to work and my colleagues were so surprised that I didn't have photos of him. I said it was because I'd find them distracting, but if I'm honest it never occured to me.
My daughter screamed for the first six months and I was ready to hand her over to social services as I felt she hated me.
My third whinged and whined and would cling to my ankle to stop me leaving him (it turns out that he has Aspurger's/autism). He loved my Mum and she died when he was 11 months old. He was so trying.
My fourth. Now I fell in love with him almost instantly. What I felt there I know I never felt with the others.
But they were all cared for, bathed, fed, kept warm and safe. The love did come in time. It's just I'm certain I probably did love them all from the first instant - after all who can describe how we feel as not being love?
Sometimes we perhaps worry too much about these things. I know over the years the laughter I've had from my lot (my oldest will be 21 early next month) has been amazing. They see things that I would never have spotted if they hadn't pointed things out, and the comments they come out with - from when they're so small can be profound.
I remember saying to my oldest when he was about two that it was a horrible day - it was raining... His reply - "it's not a horrible day Mummy, it's only raining".
Now, when he says its a horrible day, I'll remind him of what he said all those years ago.
Do you have fun with your children? Do you take them out for picnics?
They're coming up to an age where things will become a bit easier and where you can have laughter with them. Don't worry about how they're feeling. So long as they're safe and warm...
Sorry, I've not been sleeping too well recently, hence the rambling!
How would you like to see things?
Hi GoodEnoughMum.... Which by the way you are !
I spent a lot of time lying to myself and ashamed to show the world that I had achild with a man that I knew all along wanted a child more than me. I was climbing the ladder and loved my job, I had very little desire for a child and he had a child already and seemed to be an ok interested dad. I remember thinking that if I had a child with him then at least he would be around (my mum and dad divorced when I was 5 and my dad soon got bored with the weekend dad bit). Alas one day the ex said those fateful words " any woman who has a child needs to be prepared to bring them up alone "...out of all the rubbish that man said to me why do I remember that so clearly ....because it was the sign if things to come. Long story short l went back to work part time and tried to pretend to all that we were a happy family, you know pictures of him and our baby on my desk etc but all along it was unravelling by the seams ! One day it hit me... No more trying to keep this volatile relationship going, for who's sake, not mine surely and our son was no better off.
So that day in 2007 I became a single mum and to this day I fight the stereotype of what a single mum means to society... I did not want to be someone who was all of the adjectives you used... Do you know what really, it was all in my head. I was putting myself down, I felt like I had made the biggest mistake in the world and then here I am lumbered with a man who I dispise. That day I realised I could not count on him for Childcare and that I had to put a plan together, I wanted and needed to work full time and I had to put my sons needs above all else. So I guess in my ramble to you is this, you can do it, you have to do it on your own 100% and when he sees that you do not need him then he will want to help...weird I know ! It's classic him trying to talk you out of a job, if you work you won't need him as much then he will loose some of his control over you...be strong. Unlike you I had help from my family , but then my mum emigrated and i just had to put myself out there and meet other mums from the school and build up a network of people who i could cry and laugh with.I am so sorry when you needed your family the most they were not there, but wow you really are a survivor and cutting toxic elements from your life is empowering.
Don't wait for "sorry" because I can guarentee you it wont be long before he does something again and really after a while the word has no meaning when its not sincere.
Have a great career and let your kids look at you with pride I know my son does. You will feel vulnerable and alone for a while, but the more you achieve on your own the more it will make you stronger I promise. Anyway you joined here and let all of us into your life !
My son is 7 and I joined this site a week ago today, my sons father is being troublesome again and I started a thread and now feel able to comment on others.. Its nice to know i am not alone and being a single mum is not 3 headed monster shunned by society, we just had a bad roll of the dice but we wont give in, not for our kids sake. So here at one space you can inspire and be inspired.. Good luck.
Thanks so much for replying. In some ways what you say has made me feel a lot better. However, I do worry I don't have enough fun with them. It's anxiety driven I think. Quite often they want to mess around at times when I want to get a job done and I am trying to let it happen as and when now as I know if you repress them you never get round to having fun (as it was in my childhood).
Quite often my eldest tries to talk to me during teeth cleaning time which I hate anyway as I can't bear all the faff that goes with going to bed and also I have a problem with toothbrushes (get goose bumps all over etc) but I wondered today if it was his best shot at getting my undivided attention.
So to combat it today when I picked them up even though it was late I suggested we play a board game instead of watching telly with milk and biscuits. Unfortunately they were so naughty leaving the childminders particularly the youngest one I almost didn't do it but in the end I was glad I did as they had fun. I didn't have fun though. Every time I laughed it was fake.
They do do really funny things like this morning the eldest put his PJ trousers on the youngest's head and came into show me. He did look hilarious but for some reason I struggled to enjoy it. It's like my first instinct is to stop the fun so by the time I've talked myself out of that it's too late for a genuine reaction and I have to rely on a fake one.
I do sometimes go on picnics but they need so much "managing" (to stop them running off etc.) I am sometimes put off by it. (They are both really active and busy.) Sometimes we eat at the park opposite our house which they are usually quite happy with. They only do things for short periods though although the eldest is getting better.
Thanks for helping me think this through. I hope you get some sleep. You have been through so much in recent years thank you for offering me your support.
Gem
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Hi Debbie
I cried when I read what you wrote. I feel better for knowing someone else in my position. I don't know anyone else who's husband wanted the children more.
I have to go and tidy the house (I'm not obsessive but it is in a bad way!!) but I will read your other thread soon.
Thanks again
Gem
x
Trust me there are plenty of husbands who wanted them more, no one say's it because somehow that makes us sound odd..well I was not born with the "mummy " gene it developed over time. whatever else my son does he did not ask to be born.. so now I enjoy Lego land and the pictures of me he draws (which make me look like a bird who has swallowed a ball) with true feeling, rather than pretending. It takes time Gem... Go off and do your housework, I often find that clears out my mind and tomorrow is a new day. One mummy step at a time... Debbie.
Hi goodenoughmum,
I remember when my marriage broke down, all I could think of was how I didn't want to be a single parent. But I am and have been for the past 2 years. I work full time but wish I didn't. I work full time because financially we have got used to things the way they are and also because my career has dictated it. If I had my choice I would work less hours because working full time and being the only parent at home is hard work.
It sounds to me that you are doing a great job. It is easy to over think things sometime and be very critical. Be kind to yourself and see the good things in your life with your children.
One thing I have learned is the only thing you are in control of is yourself. My ex was a useless husband, I tried so hard to make him be a great ex-husband but in reality he is a useless ex-husband too...harsh but true.
One space will support you, they have been great for me.
Don't worry that the laughter is "fake". Keep going and it soon won't be.
We all have such ridiculous false images of motherhood to live up to and when we are parenting alone that somehow becomes more so as we think we need to be the wonderfully sacrifical Earth Mother. There is a saying that goes "A mother's place is in the wrong" and I have always thought that it is OURSELVES that put us in the wrong. I was never the gentle, nurturing type either. And my boys have grown up into lovely, balanced young men.
All your children need is to be fed and warm and loved so that they feel ok about themselves and yes some fun along the way is good. Your relationship with your own Mum has made you question the nature of motherhood and I totally understand that. But do you know what? You are doing fine 
Hold your nerve, that is a really big part of it.
Hi GoodEnoughMum, I have to pop in here too. As the 'fake' laugh struck a chord with me.
I didn't bond with my daughter til she was about 5, I felt that I was the mother of 'his' child and there was a lot of negativity coming from 'him', it was only after I had broken free from the emotional turmoil that came along with 'him', that I started to own my daughter and my life again.
I loved what you said about getting your 'single parent wings'. That really made me chuckle! And we would be honoured to give them to you! I think you are doing a brilliant job, you are in a transistion of change, so you are questioning all sorts of stuff, but you Are moving forward.
One thing that I learnt (probably too late) is just 'be'ing with my daughter. I spent all day with her, washing, cooking, cleaning etc, but I never actually stopped and just listened to her, hung out with her, gave her my undivided attention. That has been the most rewarding thing that I have found. So try and find a time in the day when you can make a cup of tea and just 'be' in the same room as your children, watch them, interact if you feel like it.
You are doing a grand job and we are right behind you
Totally overwhelmed by the support on here thank you so much it means a lot. I managed to do another board game tonight and afterwards my eldest high-fived me then I "scuba-dived" my hand if you know what I mean and he hit me in the boob. Anyway, he started laughing and I started fake laughing but then I was suddenly real laughing and it was a lovely moment.
Also when I put them to bed I made the teddies talk which I don't think I have ever done. They were really tickled by it. I did this thing where I hugged the teddy too tight and his voice went all squeaky because he was being squashed. He kept asking me to do it over and over. I started to regret having started it because I didn't know how to finish it nicely but I managed in the end. It made me feel a bit sad though because I realised he just really wants to have a laugh with me and probably didn't know when he would next have the opportunity.
I have resolved to be silly with them once a day from now on. As you say, fake it till you make it.
Will reply properly soon.
Thanks again all of you
Gem
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Good Enough Mum, what a fantastic post, well done you!
There will be days when you just don't feel like it and that is fine too
Keep up the good work
Hello goodenough mum
just reading through your posts & everyone's responses makes me feel that we all have a lot in common. For me every day as a single parent involves emotional highs & lows and nothing is ever finished/sorted because our kids keep us in the flow of life & we don't have other people around to steady us. We try to live up to unobtainable ideals & have to deal with ex's who try and project all their own unfinished buisness on to us.
we all deserve a medal! Keep on keeping on!
X
Hello tragalee
Sending you a virtual medal.....CATCH!
Solid gold too! - thanks so much
Hi
You're certainly not rambling...
I hope your back is now sorted and you are out of pain. I feel pain can add so much to life when you have challenges you have to face.
Personally, the problem you are facing here is for the childrens Dad to agree to this 50/50 system. Sadly you cannot make a parent agree or behave in a way we hope they will.
Would he go to mediation to run through an agreement? As something like this would have to be set in stone almost to ensure that you will be able to plan work and child care.
I have been through last minute cancellations and know how chaotic things can be.
A friend of my youngest has shared care with a week with his Dad and a week with his Mum. They've done this since he was about 4, and he is now 13. The parents have worked well together, ensuring that all training sessions (football and go-karting), parties, parents evening etc are attended.
So I have seen this where it does work.
If your ex does not agree to this, then in a way you need to be able to set things in place where child care is covered. Working tax credits help with childcare costs. While I appreciate this isn't ideal, sometimes things need to be there for the parent with care to be able to have a functionable life.
Good to see you here. It is a good place for support.