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I only realised 2 months ago that what I'd been through was Domestic Violence (DV)! I wondered if it was or not but in my Dr's surgery there is a big poster on the back of the toilet door that says ... 'Choking, spitting, hitting, puncing, kicking, biting, hurting the children' = DV. So, because I couldn't relate to that I struggled on alone. Pretty much until I was driving my car with my children in and was so so so unahppy I actually stopped my car, got out and cried! - I pulled myself back together and carried on with my day but realised I couldn't carry on like this and I needed help.
My ex was very controlling, from 3 months pregnant! very jealous, he'd even instigate situations like suggesting I go out with a friend, and then make my life hell on the lead up to the night out and for many weeks after. I ended up just not going out. He went in a major mood with me because my son shared a donut with my dad - that was on my birthday, 8 hours of his 'dark side' in the end he was so angry he punched a hole in my bedroom door! Was so intimidated by him, constantly treading on egg shells and making my personality placid as not to upset him. I ended up being over cricital of my own son so I could 'prevent' him upsetting ex. There were times when he got really so angry and threatening and I asked him to leave but he wouldn't leave my home. He took J out of her cot at midnight and said he's not leaving with out her. Found him so intimidating and frightening :( When I finally was able to get J back off him and get him out of my house came the suiside threats. He's sometimes humilliate me in public too. But to the outside world he was the regular Alphie Moon. A bubbly fun loving, happy go lucky guy that everyone loved and respected.
When i had the courage to leave him came the harrassment! The worst day was 54 phone calls ... in an hour! SO many texts, abusive, vile, upsetting, heart breaking and soul destroying! That went on for 18 whole months! Finally had the courage to change my number. He is a good dad to J (apart from slagging me off infront of her and shouting at me) - her behaviour is a direct result from what she's seen and heard in her short little life, she's 2. She gets so angry, From the age of 1 biting, spitting, kicking, throwing things at me, she's even cut her head open by throwing herself backwards in temper. I know most 2 year olds have tantrums. I've worked with children for 18 years and only come across one other child with a temper like J. Don't get me wrong she's a beautiful gorgeous little angel who I love dearly and am patient and calm with her, she and O aged 9 are my life.
Sorry I've digressed. Just wanted anyone who is lucky enough to discover this site and happens to read this to know that Domestic Violence isn't always just about physical violence like I believed it was.
For the last 20 months have felt like I'm treading water in a rough sea, I've got J in my left arm and O in my right, I'm holding them above the water but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, Feel my ex has already drowned and he's holding my ancle and tugging me under. It's been a long hard 20 months but I'm still swimming and still staying afloat. Feel like this site has thrown me a life jacket. :)
Hi Hazeleyes, thank you for your comments. To a certain degree he is still trying to control my life. He is constantly going on if I ever meet anyone new thats when the trouble would begin! He badgered J the other day because she mentioned a 'Thomas' he phoned me up 7 times on home phone - answerphone - demanding to know who Thomas was, saying J had told him Thomas cuddles her and sleeps at my house ... Thomas is a train ... Thomas the tank engine. He had put the words into her mouth, she's only 2! Her behaviour was terrible when he bought her back, biting, spitting, kicking throwing things at me etc, took me 4 hours to get her to sleep. (sorry if I'm boring you, already mentioned this in a different post)
He is really arsy when collecting her, bruised my arm the other day when he tried to barge the door open to ask who was parked out the front of my house (neighbours guest) He posted a vile letter through the door presuming I was in a relationship and said if 'he' so much as cuddles J he'll brake every bone in his body!
My Mom n Dad took over contact for me, Dad is such a peace keeper, so lovely kept everything calm but EX was such a git he really started to stress Dad out. He kept texting him nasty vile stuff about me, in the end Dad ended up having to have an opperation for a hernia. So then he decided he couldn't do it anymore. Mom kindly gave him her number so he didn't have to contact me and the abuse started on her phone. I rang him (from her phone) and explained being able to speak to J on a Wednesday when I'm at work on her phone is a privalige that Mom is allowing him to have and if he continues to abuse her phone sending her vile texts about me then I'll block him .... eventually (last week) I downloaded a contact blocker for her. So not sure if this is the calm before the storm but he has no way of contacting me.
I actually met a guy 13 days ago (no his name isn't Thomas lol) Went to the womens aid place yesterday - on the waiting list for councelling. She seems to think I might be in danger if he finds out. But just not going to tell him and it's early days with S. Have no intention to introduce children to him yet.
Thank you again, just talking like this is therepy as all my friends are so busy in their own lives I rarely talk about this at all, so thank you xxxx
Yep, it's good to talk eh. I had to giggle about 'Thomas'. With regards to contact with J, have you considered a contact centre? The nasty texts etc, keep all of them, because you never know, one day you might have to use them against him.
Got to pick my son up from school soon, but shall, no doubt, be online later.
Not boring me at all 
Yeah the whole Thomas thing is pretty pathetic hey, but worrying that he could question her to the point where she was so distressed. Never seen her quite like that before.
The sad thing about contact centres are they are only open for a few hours on a Sat. J loves going to her Dad, he takes her nice places like swimming and the safari park and until she tells me she doesn't enjoy going I don't want to restrict access. xx
:-) Hi Surviving Mommy,
hopefully you can soon change your name to 'Thriving Mommy'
Well done for getting out! xx
Hi Surviving Mommy
Thanks for sharing more of your story.
I started taking my daughter to see a psychologist because I was so concerned about her behaviour - as I said earlier - behaving exactly as your daughter is.
I used to say that her father was a great dad, but he had a problem with me and he was taking me to court to see her (even though I had always been ameniable with contact). Anyway, the psychologist asked me how can I think that a man who mentally, emotionally and occassionally physically abuses his daughters mother 'is a good father'? She sounded incredulous!! And I had to learn to change my ways.
That is not a good father - have you read our article The 'good' father and the 'bad' father? - It is food for thought.
Anyway, I thought that I would always let my child see her father and told the psychologist that if she wanted to see him then I would allow it. I was then asked if she felt protected by me. Who was responsible for her wellbeing? Herself or me? And that was when I realised my girl was acting out as she was kind of blaming me for sending her off to be with someone who showed her 'road rage', 'aggression' to me over the phone when she is in his care, not ensuring her safety at all times, by not holding her hand crossing the road, letting her sit in the front seat without a seatbelt or booster seat etc etc. I think she just didn't feel safe.
So I took one of the hardest and boldest decisions I have ever made and stated 'No contact' I told my daughter this, she was now about 7yrs old and her behaviour changed within a couple of weeks. She relaxed. I had to fight him in court, CAFCASS couldn;t work out what she wanted, but in the final days, he decided to drop the fight and we rarely see or hear from him now.
What I am trying to say is that I wasn't a great mum, I was incredibly screwed up. I was very emotional and found a lot of stuff very difficult to comprehend, all I could see clearly was how not to make him angry. Nursery helped with my daughter expressing emotions and also pictures of different expressions, show that she could point at them (after the event).
I think your daughter is very confused and what is worse is that I know she absolutely hates biting, kicking and screaming at you. As my daughter got older, sort of 5ish, asfter one of her episodes, she would make me a card saying Sorry I hurt You or Sorry I was horrible - I still have them, because they used to break my heart and I know that she was struggling with all of this as much as I was.
Woo hoo another marathon post from me! I just want you to know that you are not alone with these experiences.
NOTE FROM MODERATOR: Please be aware of repetition in your posts, most people tend to read all of the messages on the boards. New threads are for different discussions.
Hi Anna, Thanks for letting me know about not repeating myself.... I truly wanted to let people know that Domestic Violence isn't just about 'physical abuse' Like I said I didn't even realise that what I was going through was DV until about 2 months ago :( I just wanted to try and help other people and let them know and make them aware if I could. Thought the title of the threat might make someone who is in a relationship with maybe emotional abuse click on it, whereas they may not of clicked on the tantrums post. Hope that makes sense xxx
Surviving Mommy, Just wanted to say thank you for posting this! I have worked with lots of women who ARE victims of DV but they never realised it because they werent being physically hurt. It often took months/years for them to accept what they suffered as abuse and it really saddens me.
I always felt I had a more straightforward situation because I was physically hurt and that is much easier to prove. But what I have always said and still do is the abuse that hurts the most and that still scars me to this day was the phsychological and mental abuse. I dont have any bruises left on me physically but emotionally and mentally I am battered. My friends never quite understand that I get more upset over having to use the toilet with the door open so ex didnt think I was secretly texting some imaginary bloke, than I do over having my head smashed in to a table.
What you went through is as awful (or more so I think) as all the beatings I receieved. And I am glad you have stated the pain controlling behaviour causes.
Hi Surviving mommy,
When I read your post it was like reading about myself. I was with my partner for 16 years and it's only now that I realize that there was domestic violence. I never really saw it as that because it wasn't physical. He was very controlling and jealous. He was jealous of my husband that had died, my relationship with my dad, the attention I gave my son, everyone! I like to go out with my friends but he hated it. He would get in a mood during the lead up to my night out, then when I was out he was constantly ring me and text me and if I didn't answer he would assume it was because I was with someone else. He would threaten to come looking for me, and basically totally spoil my night. Then he would be in a mood for days after. I was always trying to be nice and treading on eggshells with him so he didn't get wound up. He tortured himself with thoughts of what I was doing. I once said I was going to Sainsburys to get a perscription and he rang them to ask if I had been in. That sort of thing happened all the time. When he got really angry to would punch a hole in the door and kick things. I left him 2 years ago with our son who is now 15. He has seen it all and hates his dad. Once he found out where I lived he caused me even more problems. And it was all because he was heartbroken that I left. He made a couple of suicide attempts or maybe just crys for help but although he couldn't see it he made things worse. He would shout outside my flat and even smashed a hole in the glass panel of the front door. I took out a restraining order and he got 2 years probation. He is currently on a course for domestic violence and things have actually calmed down. My son now has problems, he hasn't been to school for 2 years now! I have now met someone else who is the total opposite. He is so lovely, I cant believe such a good genuine person exists. The trouble is now, my ex contacts me now and again and is being really nice instead of the normal abusive texts. He was really nasty when he found out about my new partner but now he doesn't mention him. And can you believe I have been feeling sad and sorry for him. It is all very confusing!
Hi Surviving Mommy,
I just wanted to say Hi and let you know life after abuse is worth all the hassle, I have not been with my Ex for almost 4 years and divorced a year, I was with him 22 years and almost from day 1 it was abusive and controlling, I recognise now from day 1 I changed. My ex still attempts to control from afar, but I stand up to the bullying by doing all the things I was afraid of when I was under his control like reporting him to the police when appropriate and ignoring him, he is a vile excuse for a man.
A manipulative man can make you feel sorry for them, they play the victim down to a tee, but when they are abusing you and been violent or abusive do they have any victim empathy, NO is the simple answer. The only feeling the abuser has is one of self preservation and ensuring that his needs are met regardless of the abuse they carry out.
I recently did a big clear out of Photo's it was so therapeutic burning photo's with his ugly mug on, but whilst doing so I realised how many events pictured in the photo's had ended with violent or distressing incidents taking place, my Sister's wedding was a prime example we were all decked out as a family in our finery and the evening ended with my house been smashed to smithereens and a wardrobe been thrown on myself and my daughter (4 years old at the time) whilst we laid in bed, our crime was simply not ordering a taxi that was licensed for more than 4 passengers, and he was unwilling to wait 10 minutes for another to arrive. My 4 year old Daughter and myself were expected to wait for the next one, but family members ushered us into waiting taxi and we had to wait at home for the animal to arrive home. The Police were called but at the time they were unwilling to become involved in "Domestic Disputes" Thankfully times have changed as have the views of the Police Force.
Like I was saying life will improve if you stay true to yourself and remind yourself at all times you deserve to live a happy and safe life without the negative influence of a bully in your life.
Keep going your amazing.
Great post thanks Murray72.
Great thread Surviving Mommy well done!
cherylb, I am really glad that you are recognising that what you have experienced was abuse. We can end up feeling like we are inadequate in some way rather than it being the other person who is controlling the whole situation.
I am glad you have met someone who is treating you with respect and honesty.
Littleangel, I know what you are saying about emotional abuse being so soul destroying, and I know bruises fade, but to go through both types of abuse as well as the mental torture. How degrading have to go to the bathroom with the door open because he was feeling insecure, what a controlling vile creature! My heart goes out to you. x
Cherylb I can totally understand you being confussed. Thats exactly how I feel. I constantly feel sorry for my ex. He says it's all my fault I've made him a 'stay away dad' even though he sees her twice a week and overnight, and up until last week he had phone contact too! I know I've done what is right for my children and myself. Breaks my heart to know your son is affected to the extent that he's not been to school for 2 years. So sad :( Going back to the confussion ... how do they do it to us? I went to the police over harassment, I actually felt scared and intimidated in my own home, but didn't have the courage to have him arrested, I felt sorry for him and presumed he'd settle down. I must be a mug! When I read what you've been through, it sounds SO simular to my situation. Hope you're ok now. Does your son respect you and girls?
Murray, your post sent shivers down me. Think I might print your 'like I was saying' paragraph out and stick it onto my bedroom wall. Wow you were so brave to walk away from him, after 22 years of his abuse. Thing is, what makes it harder is they groom you into feeling guilty or that they didn't mean it etc. Don't ever know how you found the strength and courage to put yourself and your daughter first. I actually have goosebumps - You truly are an inspiration!
{{{hugs}}} to you all.
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hi well im tryin to stay out of my sham of a relationship.was wiv ex over 2half years, he is very controlling, intimidating, when i end it he harasses,he as followed me , lay in my garden, parks his car down road so i dont no he waitin for me,he makes threats, he makes out he watchin my house to make me on edge, ive ended it quite few times and end up goin bk cos of stress of him harassin me, he as ad 2harassment orderds on him, which he takes no notice, we av 20 month old little girl, he calls my 18 year old dawter vile names, he as seriosly assaulted me on holiday ,put me in hospital, yet i ad him bk, i av 2 sons as well, list is endless, ive bin out now 6 weeks and he wont leave me alone, ive seen a soliciter to get non molestation order,im anxious, stressed,on edge, i wish i never met him,i rang womans aid, victum support put new locks for me, got alarms on all my windows,light in my garden, wish he wud leave me alone, i no wot ur feelingxx
oh and he as threatened to kill any man who goes near me or slit their throat,or if any car parked on my front he wil blow it up, not normal, but scaryx
Oh Kiera, what right do these men think they have over us. That is so so sacry! Can't imagine how you must feel knowing he could be parked down the road. We all make mistakes hun, think yours could of been taking him back, but what is important is that we learn from them. You've made a really brave step by leaving him again. At least you are prepared for the harassement, don't give in this time hun stay strong. The people on this site will help to support you. Stay safe xxx
hi hard tho, police last tym i felt wernt understanding, he even told my ex over fone to ring me in couple days and let me calm down, even tho id ad no contact for 5 weeks, cudnt believe me,soliciter said threats not serious enuf for a non molestation order,so she sent warnin letter out, ive even bim offered place in a refuge, dreadin him turnin up agian cos i no he will, xx
Hello kiera, have chatted to you on your thread
I would just like to say that it is great to see everyone supporting each other around their experiences. And it is also fab to hear that some of us have since met good, kind partners. When we have been in an abusive and/or violent relationship there can be a tendency to label all men as being like this and that is very far from the case. So...a brighter future beckons!
I am glad you found my post helpful. It took me ages to get things straight in my head but I look at the situation this was, If a stranger walked into my home and called me every name under the sun, attacked me and made me feel worthless, what would I do ??
I would not tolerate this behaviour off a stranger so I sure as hell won't tolerate it from somebody who made promises to me and claimed to have my best interest at heart. This thought got me through many a bad moment and help me keep perspective of what I had come through.
Hope you all have a good weekend.
Love the support on this site. It's so nice to have somewhere to go. I don't talk to many people in the real world about everything. Had a strange reaction from my Dr this week too :/ thats in my thread on 'tantrums and moving my life on' So I'm really appreciative to be able to come on here and talk to people who 'understand' Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx
Hi all, I am loving this thread too, supporting each other.
kiera, if your ex ever threatens to hurt you with a knife, the police have to take it seriously.
hi he as never threatened me wiv a knife, he makes threats bout any man who goes near me,x
kiera, I guess he is implying he has a knife if he is talking about slitting peoples' throats, I think the next time you speak with the police you could mention that he talks of throat-slitting, so you think he may have a knife.
hi yes i see wot u mean,
Hi Again,
My parents took over the contact arrangements - which was nice of them - and he was nice as pie to them - even though when my son was a year old he sent a three page character assassination email to me COPYING MY MOTHER IN!!!! and whinging about how we hadn't made him feel welcome and that's why he'd stayed away for 6 months! But then a few months a go he resumed his abusive attitude and said that I was immature for screwing up his contact arrangements (because I didn't respond to his text for 5 days - not something I'd normally have done but it was a hugely stressful week and (i have since come to the realisation that actually I don't sit around waiting to respond to his needs - I have other things in my life) he doesn't respond for ages if he doesn't feel like it... so because of that, he reckons I'm immature and don't take responsibility for my actions... (takes one to know one, matey!!!!)
He was never usually a really shouty abuser - more a reasoner - "you'll never find a man who accepts your friendship with your ex" "you've never given me any reason to trust you" "I know you've said you were asleep but I know you were with your "friend" and that the baby's not mine" "you don't know what taking responsibility for yourself it" "you use all my electricity" "you're selfish/ungrateful" and my personal favourite:
Chris Morris (brass Eye bloke) comes on the telly;
Me: Oh I love Chris Morris!
Him: You love him?
Me: yeah, he's awesome!
Him: Yeah, but you say you love me, so what does that mean if you love him too? I mean what does love mean to you anyway? I can't trust anything you say!
Me: Well, i'm not saying he's good looking and i just like his work - it was funny and I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that...etc etc etc.
(irony was, when relaying the story to a friend, I said "so chris morris came on the telly; and he cut in and said "oh I love Chris morris!" PMSL!!!)
Nothing I could ever do would make any difference to how low he saw me and how worthless I was in his eyes. Sad thing is, he clearly things less of himslef somewhere in there... though he'd tell you that his life is all peacful and lovely and how happy he is... but then when people keep banging on about how sorted and happy they are, i usually imagine them sobbing into a glass of gin alone and miserable.
Yes, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. The person in my circle of friends who always tells me how happy they are is the one whose behaviour actually indicates they are depressed and full of bitterness, so there you go.
yeah, practically no one I know goes around saying they're really happy - except me when I was very very unhappy - if you feel you need to convince others - it probably ain't true!!!
Now that I am happy, I find myself feeling lucky to have the people who make me happy. God, looking back, I must have seemed like a proper nutcase!
A friend of mine went on and on about how wonderful her husband is, how he is her soulmate. They won the lottery and live in a big house now - I'm a believer in money can't make you happy, it can help don't get me wrong. But I'd rather experience true love than material things. She always went on and on about him. 2 months later she ended up having an affair ... she's now divorcing him!
I rest my case.....
Hi Surviving Mommy. Congrats on still swimming and floating, and I'm delighted that One Space has thrown you a life jacket.
You recognise now just exactly what he did do. He might not have hit you, but he was controlling your life. You say he is a good father to J, but to slag you off to her is not being a good dad I'm afraid. I'm so pleased you were brave enough to tell him to leave. Now, you have your whole life away from him. How does it go with regards to dropping J off, or picking her up? If it's a nightmare for you, have you considered a third party being present on these visits?