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I am new to this having just joined today after my ex came to collect our 7 year old son which did not go well. We do not get along and to prevent him entering my house and shouting abuse at me i prepared my sons overnight bag ready for when he arrived to prevent him from having to come in and for our son not to see us arguing. We also have a 3 month baby together who was asleep at the time. I kissed my son goodbye and wished him an enjoyable weekend with his dad. I am quite low and feeling upset a lot at the moment and to keep me strong i did not want to see my ex and certainly did not want a slanging match infront of our son. However this back fired on me as my ex started shouting at me on the driveway after i shut the door and then proceeded to shout & swear through the letter box. I can understand he may have been upset not seeing the baby but to be honest he picks and chooses when he sees him and gets frustrated when the baby crys so he is not exactly a doting father. I do get frightened of him and today i new i would not be able to cope with him that is why i did not let him in. He arranges contact directly with my son via xbox (not discussing it with me first) and promising him presents if he stays with him which is another issue in itself. I am now really anxious as i do not know whether my son was upset by seeing his dad shouting and swearing at me through the letter box i am worrying and cant stop crying wondering how he is. l dont want to go out now as i live on a small cul-de-sac and i know some of the neighbours would have seen and heard all of this. I have said previously it would be easier if his grandparents collected and dropped off our son but he will not have any of it and refuses to return him unless i am there. I dont like asking my family to be here whilst he collects/drops off our son as i feel like i am being a nuisance and with it being a weekend they are off doing their own family things. Just feeling really sad and upset about todays events any advice welcome.
Hello justmeplus2
Welcome to One Space.
Firstly, do not worry too much about your son, yes he may have been upset by his dad but he is probably having a nice visit with him 
Secondly this cannot continue. Your son is seven and not old enough to be arranging the contact schedule with his dad. You need some legal advice. Click here to find a solicitor if you have not got one already.
Go to the solicitor and explain what has been going on. The solicitor will write to your children's father and suggest that contact is arranged through the adults and that your son needs consistency. You can use a contact centre for the handover if you do not want to involve your family. You can be at the contact centre if neccessary but with someone else there. Your baby needs to have some contact time with his/her dad too and even though you may not like this, it is something you need to contemplate.
Hope this helps, it is a bit like going to the gym: short term pain for long term gain.
As for the neighbours, what a shame you feel like this, are you not friendly with any of them? Is there a neighbourhood watch scheme? Something like that could help you in case of any more hassle and also you would feel safer. If you don't really know them, think about getting to know them: it is good to surround yourself with a support system especially at times like this. Have you many local friends?
We split recently just over a week ago. We have not been getting along for a long while though, he did not want me to continue with the pregnancy (my baby is 3 months now) but i love my boys and would not change anything.
Ok so it is very early days, you really must get legal advice in that case to get things established.
Wow, that is very recent. There is an awful lot of anger and hurt understandably, but the children shouldn't be witness to it, especially the 7 year old. When does your son come back, is it tomorrow? Like Louise says, visiting times shouldn't be arranged between your ex and the child, so things will have to be sorted.
How are you feeling now?
My Son is due back tomorrow, but, i have not agreed this with his dad. I will text him tomorrow to ask what time he will be returning him. As it is the school holidays now he will probably ask him to stay sunday night and ask me to pick our son up from his mums on Monday morning. The problem with this is that they live in a different town from me and its a 40 mile round trip, he only pays me £7.50 a week maintainance for each child (£15 in total) so i can hardly afford to go spending this on petrol, his mum will not drive on a motorway so she wont be able to drop him off. We dont live together andhave not done so for two years this has happened a few times only the difference this time is that i can no longer put up with his abuse and violent outbursts in front of our son and i have enough on my plate with our 3 month old. I dont want our relationship to continue and have only put up with him for the sake of our son.
I still feel the same, legal advice is very expensive and i am not entitled to legal aid.
Are you on maternity leave? Explain to him that you are unable to collect your son, so the drop off has to be back at yours. Visitation should be arranged properly, you have a say in when your son is brought back home, and also you need to know the arrangements. Have you ever spoken to womens aid about the abuse? You say he has violent outbursts also? Has this ever been directed at your son?
Thanks, he is not violent towards our son, he is the opposite if anything buying his affection with toys if anything. I am on Maternity leave currently on full pay for 18 weeks and then half pay for 8 weeks.
Some solicitors give half hour free advice, so do look up the link that Louise gave out. Buying his love? Well, one day your son will see through all of that. Keep notes too, of times, days, and things that he said, also texts if they are abusive. You never know when you'll need them.
Hi Justme,
i had similar problems when my first husband left; he would be very abusive towards me, and he really frightened me by threatening me that he would get social services to take the children away from me. He would call incessantly - until I had the number changed.
The key is to not show that you are frightened (I know this is hard), and to set very clear boundaries. For example, after several 'incidents' involving him having the children and not bringing them back at the arranged time or not turning up to pick them up, etc. I wrote him a letter stating this was not good for the children and he was to only see them supervised at a contact centre until he could be trusted.
Don't be a pushover!
Maybe it would help, if you could have a friend with you when it's handover time?
Big hug to you x
Hi justmeplus2
Hopeful is right, he is playing these games, because he can. He is using the children and contact to keep controlling you. As hard as it is, you need to show that you are strong and won't put up with any games.
Are you scared of him? If you are, your children will pick up on this (so will he). Have you ever been in contact with your local domestic abuse agency, or the Police DV unit?
If you are concerned about your safety when he drops your son off, you can ask for the police to be there with you. This would make you feel safer and also you would be on their radar, it would also show him that you are not afraid of getting back up.
My ex once stole my car and when he eventually said to meet him so I could get it back, I was so scared, as he wanted to meet in a really downtown area, I took the police with me. He ended up dropping the keys down the drain and running like hell, when he saw them!
I am also wondering if there is one neighbour that you chat to, yes you are embarrassed, perhaps you could knock on their door and say exactly that.
Have you heard when your son is coming home?
Thanks for your advice. I have been picking up my mobile phone all morning and preparing a text asking when he will be bringing our son back, problem is i know he will say when he is ready so there is no point, if i say i am going out and need him back at a certain time he will tell me he does not want to come home and will then be asking me were i am taking his sons it just goes on and on and is really tiring.
I think the only option is to prepare a letter setting out clear boundaries. I know if its from me he will take no notice, therefore, the only option is a solicitor. I really do not want to go down this expensive route but if it means my children will be happier then there is no price i can put on that.
My stomach is is knots just the thought of him returning our son this evening. The other aspect is that he does not return him and then it continues into another day.
Thanks for the help and advice i dont feel as lonely as i did yesterday even if its just typing on a computer it helps.
Hi justmeplus2, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. You know that whatever you say or do regarding your son coming home, your ex will twist it any which way.
Do you have plans to go out today? I wonder how you would feel about completely leaving it? Your ex is probably waiting for you to contact him, then he will see how to counteract it, but if he hears nothing from you, he may well get bored and bring him home early?
As I said, when you are dealing with someone who is abusive and insistent on playing against the rules of common courtesy, decency and politeness, there is very little you can do, to change his behaviour.
I hope it goes well and if at any point you are not happy, call the police.
I hope yo r son has had a lovely time and he is home soon :)
Hi justmeplus2. That's a good idea of Annas. Don't text, and see what happens. I do hope the drop off goes ok. Just remember, don't get into any confrontations, hopefully he'll soon get bored with his behaviour, especially as you're not reacting to it. Good luck. Try and enjoy the day with the baby.
Good morning justmeplus2
How are you today? Do you have you son home? Did the handover go smoothly? Fingers crossed that all is fine and he is home safe and sound.
I remember some weekends when my daughter used to go to her dads fortnightly visits, the Friday night handover was so horrible that I would spend the whole weekend stressing and wondering how to deal with it. He would spend all weekend sending vile text messages and ringing and hanging up late in the night and then on Sunday afternoon he would deliver her back on time all smiles and then drive off??? I would feel like I was going bonkers!
Let us know how you are
What a nasty man Anna.
Hi justmeplus2, hope everything is ok your end.
Sorry for not getting back sooner, my son rang me sunday evening to ask if he could stay at his dads and that his dad would return him monday morning as he said he was having a good time i did not think it fair to say no. His Dad dropped him off this morning, i stayed upstairs so i did not have to see him and i knew he would be rushing to get to work so handover was brill, all calm and no shouting.
My son was all excited and told me what fun he had over the weekend. He then told me Dad was picking him up on Thursday next and that he was going away with Dad at Christmas. I just said "oh are you" as i was surprised.
I have since sent a text to his dad explaining that i would like to be involved when he next plans to see our son and that telling him he is going away at christmas is not acceptable especially as he had not discussed this with me. Since then i have had lots of vile text messages and i have not responded to any. Instead i have spent the day with my two boys out in the sunshine, playing in the park and feeding the ducks. I love the peace & calm and feel 100% better knowing i dont have to face my ex for a few more days.
Hiya. Don't forget to save those texts. You are in the right here, your ex shouldn't be telling your son about arrangements without discussing them with you first. As for Thursday, is that day ok for you? Why can't your ex have your son on set days? That way, you'd all know where you stand, and you'll all get into that routine. Please don't let him bully you.
I'm so pleased you and the boys had a great day outside. The weather is brilliant isn't it?
Hi, yep i will save the texts. Thursday is not convenient as i had planned on going to the zoo on Friday, but as its the school holidays i could change but i am loathed to do this as he will keep expecting me to accomodate him. I dont want to upset my son either so i will see how it goes. Totally agree about set days and will suggest this and see what happens at least then our son will know the routine.
Thanks for your reply its good to be able to communicate this way (keeps me from going mad and talking to myself)
Hi Justme, keep up the good work! Setting fixed days is an excellent idea, it sets real boundaries and should cut out arguments. It is not fair that you should accommodate everyone else.
I never had the Christmas problem, but you are right, things should be discussed with you, and not with a 7 year old.
Can you upload texts onto your computer, so they are not stored on your phone and take up tons of space?
Big smile to you, and it will get easier as soon as he sees you will stick to your guns! x
I'm sure your son would love to go to the zoo. Why should you have to change your plans, just because ex has decided (without consulting you) that he is having your son. I know it's hard, but can you not do as someone suggested, Anna I think, call the police if you're worried about the changeover days.
I realise you're going along with the ex, so you're not rocking the boat, but it isn't ideal isn't it, and how long can it be kept up for? Again, this is hard, but if you show him you're not scared of him, then eventually he'll tire of this silly game he is playing.
Hope you have something nice on for today, even a trip to the park, or picnic in the garden. Take care. xxx
Hi justmeplus2. I am glad you son has been safely returned and that went smoothly.
I am afraid that your message made me laugh 
re: Christmas. This exact same situation happened to me years ago. My daughter was over the moon, she was going to go to St Lucia at Christmas and it was only March!!
I laugh because of the similarity and the stupidness of it all.
When your ex picked your son up on Saturday, he was shouting at you, your son probably wasn't too impressed and was perhaps quiet for a while or just not his usual self, as he would have been upset by it. Daddy now needs to look like the good guy, so how about a fantastic holiday to get everybody thinking about something else. On top of this, it has now had the added bonus of getting a rise out of you, so he can spend another of his days being vile towards you. This man is being a bully and using the children. He may well have told your son to tell you that daddy is taking him away at Christmas.
It sounds as though you are trying to be completely reasonable with this man and from my own experience that won't work, it will just bring on another onslaught. He is not going to be told/or discuss anything you have to say, regardless of the fact that you are the mother of his children.
Dealing with someone who is unprepared to be reasonable is going to be very difficult, however if you get something set in stone, then you can ignore any other conversations.
Have you checked with the Eligibility Calculator for Legal Aid? The other alternative is to represent yourself, this seems to be happening more and more these days. You would have to apply for Mediation first (although this can be exempt if there has been domestic violence) then go to Court for a Defined Contact Order. Initially you would need to pay a Court Issue Fee of £200, however once a Judge has decided what the Contact should be, then there will no longer be the situation when your ex thinks that he can come and go as he pleases.
Is this something you would consider?
Hi, I don't want to put a damper on what hazeleyes said, but the police will not intervene unless there is a definite court order.
When my first husband left (and still kept contact) he took son no1 to see some football in the afternoon (son was 12 then, so 10 years ago). When they weren't back by 7 (school night!) I rang to tell him to bring him back I was told they were at the Chinese for a meal. I said you should have asked, but ok. At 9 I rang again to demand a prompt return and the phone was put down. This is when I rang the police who didn't want to know as my son was with someone who had parental responsibility, even though I pointed out that legally he was only a step parent and had no rights. They said I should go to the restaurant to get him (with 3 little ones at home and in bed???!!!!) and if he didn't come home with me, then they'd consider coming out. By the time I had organised someone to sit with the other three and got to the restaurant they had left. So I rang the police again and they said they'd look for them. At midnight they pulled them out of a pub (!) and asked me, if I really wanted my son home!
Maybe it will make a difference that justme's son is only 7......
It took a long time for this x to realise I wasn't going to be bullied, but eventually he got there. He's lost all contact with the children now, and although I am not sad about this for me, I am sad for the children as it is a huge rejection and I really tried to keep things going for them.
I didn't mean for the police to intervene in picking up justmeplus2's son if he wasn't returned on time or right day, I meant if her ex is being abusive to her when picking and dropping her son off.
Just wanted to clear that up in case of confusion. Anna pointed out that justmeplus2 can ask for the police to be present should she want too.
Sorry, Hazeleyes, my fault for misunderstanding! 
x
No worries x I didn't want Justmeplus2 thinking that was what I meant either.
Hope you both ok this evening.
Hi everyone, i was really hesitant using this site at first but i am so glad i did now, i dont feel alone which is a real help at this time.
I have received text after text off my ex yesterday and today telling me what a horrible person i am (would not even dream of typing his actual words) and how sellfish i am not letting him take his son away at Christmas and how it will be for him on his own (complete drama queen) i never said he could not see him christmas day just that i did not want to miss out on Christmas either if my son was away on holiday.
Some texts told me his son meant everything to him and others mentioned how he would be better off not around anymore as there was no point in living (drama, drama, drama). I sound really confident writing this but to be honest i am scared but just not showing it to him. I have the door locked since 5pm just in case he decided to visit after work.
I did suggest he calm down and that once he could be civil and refrain from shouting and swearing at me either on the driveway or through the letter box in front of our son then it would be better for all, but, he replied saying he will never forgive me for giving him the doorstep treatment on saturday and how much he hates me. I can hold off forever not contacting him but the issue is my son, i said i would text him when he next wants to see him and not when my ex dictates, he went off the radar with the reply to this one. If my son actually wants to see him then I will of course let him know but I will try to make sure a friend or family member is here.
Another result is that i have managed to entertain my son during the day without the need of xbox so he his shattered in the evening so no chance of his dad speaking to him and trying to persuade him to come over on Thursday. I know this wont last forever but it helps at the mo.
I think i will have to go down the legal route as i cannot see an alternative as he is a controlling bully and will not give up until he gets his own way. How do i go about mediation? I am prepared to do everything reasonable for the sake of my son but i do need to protect him as i dont want him seeing this and to grow up thinking this is acceptable but more importantly is his welfare and how he must be feeling witnessing his dad shouting like this, poor little boy must be scared. I am also frightened that his dad may start calling me horrible names and try to turn my son against me so i must admit i am doing everything i can to keep him here where i know he is safe.
I think it is a great idea to have someone with you on the next changeover day. Well Done you for standing up to him, whether it is text, phone, letter, you have taken a big step by doing this. Of course it's scary too, but the more you stand up to him, he'll eventually get the message. Glad you've had a good day with your son. xx
Well done, just me!
Could you not suggest something regular, like every other weekend and a weekday that he can always have him/them? Of course special occasions (like your birthday falling on 'his' w/e etc) could still be negotiated. You could write out a plan, say till half term to see how it goes. This way everyone knows where they stand.
You're definitely doing the right thing not showing him you're scared!
Having a really busy day with your two boys was probably really good for you, too! x
Hi there justmeplus2
We are very glad you have joined us, I am glad that you feel that we can support you. I feel very passionately about your story as I experienced very similar circumstances many years ago (12ish) and I think that the Courts & Police have moved in a very positive direction since then.
Are you saving/recording all your texts? This is really important, you may be able to use them in Court and it can be very empowering to know that you are doing something each time they come in. You will be case building and that can take over the feeling of him having a stab at you.
Have a look at this factsheet - A guide for separating parents, you might want to send him it too. This might infuriate him and won't want to be told what to do, but even if he flicks through it, he will see this is all about putting the children first.
You may also be interested in this factsheet from The Childrens Legal Centre - Contact - see page 5.
Click here to find your local Mediation service.
Have you spoken to your son about his dads behaviour on Saturday? Try not to ignore it, these things do have an impact and how you behave and how his dad behaves tells him the right or wrong thing to do.
If you have said nothing, he will accept that this can go by unnoticed. However I strongly believe that it is OK to say that you were not happy with daddy shouting in front of him, it was upsetting for both of you (you and son) and you would like happy handovers and even though you and daddy aren't seeing eye to eye, you believe this could be dealt with differently. This instills in your son, that shouting is not the way to deal with things as it is upsetting for all involved. It is also saying that you don't like his behaviour, rather than not liking daddy.
Have you heard anything regarding tomorrow?
Hi Anna, thanks for the info. I did not want to raise the issue with my son but i did not need to yesterday he came to me and started to talk about it. He told me that he does not like it when me and his dad fall out and that he wanted dad to live at home with us, i explained that although mum and dad were having a few issues we still both loved him the same and that i did not like dad shouting as it upsets me and it is not good for him to listen to. I think he understood and i asked him if he was upset or worried about anything and he just said he did not like choosing, i told him he did not have to choose and we will take it day by day and speak about it whenever he wants to. He said that he does want to see his dad everyweekend but to be honest i dont think he really understands, i think for now i will let him choose and try to agree with his dad times and days (picking up and returning). I dont want to set anything in stone as its early days but i am really concerned about his dad putting things in his head and promising him allsorts. I am really mixed up, and upset at the moment as hearing my son never wants to spend a weekend at home upset me but i know he is young and probably does not realise and i dont want to put any pressure on him.
Hello justmeplus2
I work with Anna as one of the Moderators here, spoke to you when you first joined but have been away so am just catching up with all the news and have been reading your posts
Sounds like you are doing a good job with explaining things to your son, I agree it is hurtful to think of him going away every weekend but also he does not realise that the implcations of that are that there are no weekends with you. It is a bit like him having 50p pockey money and spending it all on sweeets on day one and then not realising that there will be no more sweets until day eight! He is only seven so just keep reassuring him, you may have to say the same thing over and over. Also you may like to have a look at a couple of books here and here, they are both slightly young for your boy but you could pep them up a bit with silly voices or making Teddy read the book to him or him read the book to Action Man!
Keep in touch, there is lots of support here
Hi justmeplus2 - I must have missed your message, I was wondering how things were with you. 
Louise is right and you know it too, your boy isn't saying he doesn't want to spend weekends with you, he is just saying he wants to spend weekends with his dad.
I want to share something with you. I always used to let my daughter choose, but after a particularly difficult incident, she was emotionally all over the place (she was about 7) - she wanted to see her dad - she didn't want to see her dad.
I took a step back, then realised that all this time because I wanted them to have a great relationship, I had bent over backwards, regardless of my feelings, I had let him walk all over me, which was damaging my daughters sense of security and emotional wellbeing.
I took the bull by the horns and made the decision for her. I finally got it! I was her mother and I needed to protect her from all this confusing mess.
I stopped all contact, I realised that all this time I had actually been taking the easy option. I thought I was being admirable yet hard done by. I thought I was doing right, but I was actually bailing out. Saying no contact was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt really guilty, but it sure did make everyone sit up a bit! After a while he took me to Court etc etc, but it did show him that I wasn't going to let him do what he wanted anymore.
I share this with you for you consideration, if your son knows that the decision isn't on his head, he can continue to be a kid and not feel any adult pressure.
Children need to feel safe and protected and believe that their parents know best.
I told my daughter that it wasn't her decision until she was 16! Ha ha and now she actually is 16!
Have you thought any more about going down the legal route?
Hi Anna!
How does your daughter feel about the whole not letting her see her dad thing?
I ask because that is basically where I'm at now with mine, six and eight. She has asked through her solicitors to see them each Christmas over the last two years and I've said no. There has been no follow up and my solicitor has suggested it is because her solicitors have advised her not to purse it due to her erratic situation with drugs and periodic homelessness.
My CAFCAS officer, who is very good incidentally and I thank my lucky stars I was assigned her... but anyway, she once told me that the main cause of conflict between resident parents and children when it comes to the other parent is when they get older and come to understand that they were not allowed to see their other parent because of the resident one. She went on to reassure me by saying that it was her decision that contact should stop and that she had told my X that should she wish to see them again she must go to court again, and for me to let my children know that was the case.
So I feel slightly better because of that.
I've explained the situation to my children, so I'm not keeping anything from them... but I still worry : )
Just wondered how it was with you.
thanx.
I wonder if the fact that you can say it is for their protection that you say no is easier to deal with compared to a child seeing that their parent chooses not to see them?
Sorry to chuck that in...
In my case sometimes she did and then sometimes she didn't which is part of what lead CAFCAS to stop contact and tell her to go back to court.
It's just that you are dealing with adult concepts as an adult and so I try to be open about it all to them... But I don't really know how to say your mum is a violent heroin addict of no fixed abode who uses sex, anger and tears to get where she want's to go, and maybe that's a bit harsh but still children aren't going to understand all that in the way that I mean it or how it is.
I realise that kids generally understand more than you think.
And I think you should try to be as honest with them, if she doesn't want to see them then I've told them that and then I've told them that she does and that I've said it has to go to court (I didn't say I said no, just it had to go to court and be decided by someone else, as in not me) and tried to explain that it needs to be constant and safe for them.
I'm not overly worried about it and right now it's not an issue, just in my mind as it's my daughters birthday next week and over the last four or so years it's my daughters birthdays, Christmas and her birthday that I've heard something from her solicitors if I've heard anything.
: )
Later.
I think its horrid that this feeling's always there...
... and courts. Everytime I mention it here or elsewear it seems like I then get a letter through my door.
Thanks for all the comments will definitely order the books as i think they will help. My son has gone to his dads again this weekend, i told my ex he could come in and see the baby as well only if he could refrain from shouting and swearing, he did and it went ok apart from two sarcastic comments he made about our son not being able to go away on holiday at christmas and then when he picked the baby up he said poor thing does not stand a chance (how i managed not to say anything i dont no but i did). Our son seemed happier and waving him good bye this time he had a smile on his face. I packed a mobile phone with his things and told him if he wanted to speak to me anytime over the weekend he could ring me.
My son has rang me both days to tell me what fun he is having and i respond by telling him thats good and i am glad he is having a nice time (which i am but i am also bothered his dad his buying his affection and filling his head with allsorts and that he will come home and say he wants to live with him) but its still early days and i am keeping a diary of what is happening and rather than quiz my son i shall wait til he returns home and can then review the situation when my son brings up the conversation of what he has done. I know he changes his mind a lot and that his dad will slip up and my son will not want to go one weekend, i just dont want him to get hurt in the process so i totally understand when people say he is just 7 and not able to decide and that the adults should make the decisions.
I am still confused whether i am doing the right thing but what is right for one person is not right for another so i think by monitoring and reviewing i will come to my own conclusion of whether i need to go down the legal route. That is by know way me being ungrateful for all the comments as i read and digest them all and it is useful to bounce ideas and i am very appreciative to all of you for your support.
I am also contacting the csa this week as i shall be on half pay maternity pay this month and cannot survive on the £15 a week my ex provides for both children. I dare not ask him directly for anymore as i have done this in the past and he blows a fuse telling me a child is for life not just benefits !! I have worked all of my life and have never claimed benefits other than child benefit.
I shall keep you posted on this weekends events thanks for all your support.
Found out this morning that my son was baby sat on saturday night with my ex partners ex's mother whilst my ex went out drinking saturday night!! This was not agreed by me and i am fuming, why did he not bring him home to me if he was going out? He has another child with his ex so my son was with his step sisters grandma but i am still annoyed.
This cannot continue, I thought it was strange my son rang me at 11:40pm on saturday night to tell me his teeth were sensitive, he is being taxied around late at night to accomodate my ex, my ex takes sleeping tablets every night and i am just not happy my son is being looked after properly.
Am i over reacting, yes i am really annoyed who M chose to look after our son and it would have been easier if it had been someone actually related to him i.e. his own grandma who lives in the same town, but still i do think its wrong cos if my ex wants to spend "quality" time with our son then he should not be going out drinking when he has him and palming him off with people he does not know very well i.e. his ex's Mother. Sorry needed to rant and let some steam off. This is only the second weekend he has stayed at his dads and already he is going out drinking whilst he should be looking after our son.
Hey, don't worry about the ranting, it's better to get it out of the system. It is still early days and your ex is a bit like an extra child and pushing boundaries.
I had the drinking issue with my ex, too, only he'd actually take the children to the pub with him! I told him that he was not to take them there or the next time I'd hear he had, I'd stop him from seeing them and eventually he was only allowed to see them in a contact centre. There were no courts involved, but I told him if he didn't like my rules, he should take me to court....
You could mention the 'legal route' though, maybe that will make him sit up...
Hi justmeplus2
Of course it is absolutely for you to be the best judge of what action should be taken, if any, we can throw in our suggestions but it will always be your call.
I understand totally how angry you are that your boy's dad just waltzed off drinking when he was supposed to be caring for your son. I would recommend that you get an exerceise book and start writing things down, such as the abuse through the letterbox before, and now this. If there is a legal dispute in the future, you have a dossier of what has gone on. Also upload any text messages to your PC and store them. Of course it will be a lot better if things settle down, your son enjoys going and you can feel less anxious.......rather than having a row with your son's dad maybe you could suggest (calmly) that if he stayed alternate weekends instead, his dad could have adult social time when your son is not there and would be able to be there for the whole weekend when your son is there. There is nothing wrong with him having a night out (after all he could well say Ok then YOU are never allowed a night out when you have our son) but it is the choice of carer that I know is a worry for you.
I think i shall be seeking advice as upon further discussion with my son he also told me he played out away from the grandmas home without adult supervision, in a town which he is not familiar with and his 10 year old step sister looking after him, he said they went across a bridge and came across some older children who started swearing at them, i am so disgussted and upset right now that my ex could think this is acceptable. I have suggested to my son that he stays with me this coming weekend and we will do something nice together, dont want to tell him he cannot stay at his dads til i know how to deal with it.
It is no good speaking to my ex about it as my son told me he will get into trouble for telling me (which i reassured him he would not and that it is better to tell me than keep secrets). He also then went on to tell me he had not changed his clothes since Friday and that he had not had a wash either.
I think a solictors letter setting out clear boundaries is the only way at the moment.
Oh dear! Was your ex like this when you were together? what does the 10 year old's mum think about all this?
What a responsibility to put on a child - never mind safety issues and all that!
Good for you to suggest to your son that you want a weekend with him, too!
Wish I could give some proper advise, just with my ex nothing worked, till I made him go to the contact centre, and then we'd wait there for ages and most of the time he didn't turn up until he stopped coming altogether.
Big hugs! x
Hi, no he never had to be as i would look after our son if he was going out which is what i asked him to do this weekend i.e. bring our son home if he was going out.
Agree it is a huge responsibility to put on a child but also his step sister is quite bossy and i have seen her not being very nice with my son which also concerns me telling him to put his hands on a wall and then she pushed her bikes handle bars into his hands causing him to cry. My ex always defended his daughter saying she did not mean to do it or that they are only playing etc.
sounds like your ex needs to do some growing up! if you can't trust that your son is being looked after properly, you can't let him stay for whole weekends, I agree.
xxx
Hi justmeplus2
I'm afraid I watched and waited for 3 years, writing things down, hoping that things would change - making her sit in the front with no seat belt, hammering up the motorway with loud music blaring, giving her a sharp knife at 5 years old and telling her to cut up the apple herself, sending her round to the chip shop in inner city London - crossing roads with her 9 year old brother when she was 3??? those a just a few of the weekend sagas, there was something shocking - EVERY fortnight. You have to wonder. As I write this, I am amazed that I let it go on for so long, but I was under a different spell then.
All I am saying is that these things are just going to keep on happening, I think that getting a letter sent could well be the best way forward, you do not want this to continue any longer than necessary. Take control of the situation and set up some firm boundaries. We will be right behind you all the way.
Hi bubblegum
I think I did tell her that I had decided on 'no contact', that I wanted to keep her safe and well and didn't think that daddies behaviour was acceptable. She knew that she didn't always feel that great after a visit, like being fed mars bars and coca cola for sunday lunch etc, let alone feeling unsafe in houses with boisterous adults with no-one for her to talk to or talking to her.
Even though I had told her she could make her own decision about seeing him when she was 16, I did also let her know sporadically that if she really wanted to see him, I could contact him and his family. I think she was actually really glad of the limits.
When he tried to take me to Court, I was told that he would have got access again, but he couldn't admit to the criminal damage that he had caused (and been found guilty of) and so decided to drop the case, so so sad.
Anyway on the up side, my daughter lives a violence free, healthy lifestyle, her confidence is finally beginning to grow and she is making friends and starting to make her own way in life and I know that if he had been in her life all these years, she would not be the gorgeous girl that I am so proud of today. 
So in answer to your question bubblegum, my daughter is/was fine with me stopping the initial contact, she knows he could have told the truth and fought for her, she also knows he is unreliable and irresponsible. I didn't think it was going to be as easy as it was, it did go to show that even though she seemed like daddy's adoring daughter, there was a lot of other turmoil going on underneath.
Hi justmeplus2. Welcome along to One Space. You've chosen a wonderful site, so please do keep posting. I have no experience of your problems, as my son doesn't see his 'sperm doner'. I am sure your son is fine though, so please stop worrying about him, although I do know how hard this is to do. Your ex was way out of order for doing this, and I'm sure your family would help make the changeover more easy for you, if you discussed what is happening. Again, I do understand when you say they are off doing their own thing. Don't hide away from the neighbours, if they witnessed it, they will know straightaway that this wasn't of your doing, and hopefully, they will also support you. Well done to you for not rowing back with your ex (that must have been hard). Please stay with us, as some others will be along at some point. How long have you been seperated?