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After leaving my emotionally and verbally abusive ex with the help of womens aid, 2 years later I am now in a new relationship (well we have been together for over a year now). I have read the Lundy book and am in the process of completing the Freedom program online. But my problem is I am so paranoid about making the same mistake twice, that I am not sure whether I am constantly looking at finding a problem with my new guy to protect myself or whether there are problems actualy there or whether my paranoia is causing them. Its like the saying goes, I'm not sure whether I am product of my environment or whether my environment is a product of me!!! I'm so confused and my brain is back to been a constant muddle. My new guy is generous and caring, he pays for my mobile, for me to go on holiday, he has got me a new car, but all of this I can't help mistrusting, is it so I become more dependant on him and make it harder for me leave the relationship. We still live separately and he knows that I do not want to rush into moving in or anything. He has shown much patience and understanding with me, I have finished the relationship on a few occassions due to my feeling anxious about rushing into anything too soon. But just lately he has started making the same criticism as my ex did, such as i'm too sensitive, will not admit when I'm wrong etc, and I know that I am these things but can't stand to hear them from him and I start to worry is this the start of a familiar pattern to me. Or maybe it is just me. We just seem to be arguing a lot lately and he says that its because I'm always reading into things that aren't there. But then I wonder if he is 'gaslighting'. Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship again? Is there anyone out there finding it hard in a new relationship from what they've been through in the past? I wish my head wasn't constantly analysing everything, but I don't know how else to protect myself.
Hi fluffiness
I really don't know what to say here, as I did meet someone after the end of my marriage. Strangely enough, how ever angry I was at my ex-husband for making things impossible with the 'new' chap, it gave things time to develop - and to see that he had the same characteristics in many ways as my ex.... It's five years this month since that relationship fizzled out.
Does he make you laugh? Is he helpful when it comes to little things in life?
If so, then perhaps, for now, you can enjoy his company and enjoy his generosity, rather than look to far ahead? Perhaps by not putting pressure on yourself to think of the future you can more enjoyment with the relationship?
Someone told me that it can take two years for the rose-tinted specs to fall off and to see things how they really are.
Best wishes
Hi fluffiness, I think you have to trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, regardless of how lovely he is, then it is not right (at the moment)
After an abusive relationship you have to learn to trust and believe in yourself and feel like you are in control of your life and accept and approve of yourself.
If someone then questions you and your actions, you can listen, but know in your heart the right answer.
Are you working currently? I am asking as I am wondering why he is paying for your mobile, bought you a new car and paying for your holidays? I do not know it may be that he is an exceptionally nice guy with lots of money or it might be that he wants some sort of control over your life.
I recently read a really interesting article about relationships. Think about how you define true love......do you think 'two becoming one'? 'Finding your soul mate'? 'Becoming whole'?
These sound very romantic, however they do imply that without a partner you are not complete.
A healthy relationship is where you are 'complete' on your own, with your own interests, friends, life and independance and your partner also has independant interests, life and friends. Then as a couple you make joint decisions re: where you will go for dinner, what you will watch on TV, where you will go for holidays.
So rather being a unit of one to feel complete, think about it as a unit of three, you, him and your shared life. This then means that if the relationship doesn't work, you still have you. You only lose the shared decision part.
Its complicated and I hope that you understand what I am trying to explain. I found it fascinating and love the idea of being me within a relationship rather than having to be a we.
A mature adult relationship starts with shared interests and beliefs and must be nurtured with time, patience, laughter and understanding for it to grow.
If you feel that you can do your own thing without the support of him, then your relationship can stand the test of time. If not, then maybe you are already relying on him for your own happiness.
What do you think?
Thank you for all your helpful comments.
I looked at the link for the book Anna, and I think I do need to look at my own patterns in a relationship. My new guy does make me laugh, and does little things to help but we have both entered the relationship with so much baggage from our previous relationship. He was married for 16 years and his wife passed away, although they had separated a year before she did.
I am happy with my life, I have a wonderful support from my family, but probably only one friend I can really talk to. I don't work at the moment, I left work when I had my kids. They are now 4 and 5. I am starting university in September to do my PGCE to train to be a teacher and will only take one year of studying. I currently volunteer at the local high school. So I have taken control of my life and don't want to feel like I depend on someone so much that they take over it.
I don't really see a relationship as being a 'one' but do want to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. And to have the same relationship that my parents have. A relationship that supports and encourages each other. I did have counselling when I left my ex, but I think it was probably too early for me to benefit from it. My ex still causes me problems, still criticises me via emails. Last Valentines I got a 42 page email, all basically saying how it is all my fault and seems to find any opportunity to put me down.
Another problem I have is that my hormones seem to really affect my decision making. After my period I am happy, sociable, loving, interested in sex and then once I ovulate (and I can feel when it happens) my mood changes, I don't want my new guy around, get irritable, don't want to be touched etc. I have an appointment with doctor on wednesday about it but feel a bit silly admitting it. Like I'm just causing a fuss.
So at the moment (as my period is due) I'm feeling negative about my new relationship. Worrying that my new guy has put too much pressure on me to commit too him to soon. We had a row the other day where I just felt like I was back with my ex, but then don't know if that was because we had just gone to a place where I use to go with my ex and had not been too since and being there caused all the old anxiety to surface.
Sorry for going on, its just so helpful having other people to talk to about it.
Hi fluffiness, you go on all you like, thats what we're here for! 
And most of us have been through really difficult times and can empathise, but also hopefully offer support and information.
You have taken control of your life and well done you and the last thing you need is to start going backwards. While you are not working how about finding your local Freedom Programme or Womens Centre, do some courses on Assertiveness or Personal Empowerment, make some new girlfriends. You might even consider some further counselling? Learning about yourself, I think, is the best gift we can give ourselves.
You have great family support by sounds of things however you also need girlfriends. They don't take the place of your one really good friend, but they can expand your life and really help to validate you as a person. Find new friends at the above courses or make a concerted effort to start a new hobby. Read Making New Friends.
Have you done any research on the internet regarding healthy foods, vitamins or natural remedies to help with your cycle of moods around your period? I hope the doctor will be understanding and empathetic, will it be a female doctor? DO NOT FEEL SILLY, please. It is your body trying to tell you something and you need to get it sorted as you have 2 little ones and you need to look after yourself.
I met a guy about 5 years after my daughters father. He was lovely, I'd known him for about 3 years, but after a few months of us 'going out' he asked to move in. I wasn't sure and kept telling him so, I loved the 'idea' of it, a family etc etc but I wanted to wait a bit longer, anyway he said that he was an all or nothing kinda guy and he needed to give up his flat and what did I want to do. I was coerced into it and I didn't trust myself, so I let him move in - BIG mistake. fluffiness if you feel that your guy is putting too much pressure on you to commit to him - HE IS.
Please listen to that little voice inside your head that is telling you these things. You do not owe this guy anything, you do not have to please him and I know you don't want to hurt him, but you have to think of you and your 2 little ones.
Hope you have a good eve
Hi fluffiness
It is understandable that you feel suspicious of any new relationship after you have been through.
I can't tell you whether this new guy is following the same pattern or if you are being hyper-sensitive, however I would like to say two things. Firstly, I think having some counselling will help you, not that there is anything wrong with you, but just to help you work out what you want from relationships and what patterns you may have yourself. Secondly, however nice this guy is, we should only be in relationships that make us feel good and if this one isn't doing that then you need to give it careful thought....not that there is anything wrong with him either, but it could just be the wrong time for you to become serious about anyone.
You may find this book helpul in your exploration