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NOTE FROM MODERATOR: This is a regular query and issue that rises when parenting alone, so this post has been moved to its own thread. What have other people done in the past with this situation?
M has been invited to a birthday party, the party is for a little boy he plays alot with at nursery but it lands on the same day he's supposed to stay at his dad's any ideas as to what i should do.
What does your son want to do?
My reply is from a personal point of view. Being in nursery, i don't really think your son isn't really going to worry too much or feel he's missing out if he doesn't go.
If there was a party when the children were with their Dad, then I checked with him if they were going to be able to go. If he was willing to take them, I'd send the child with a card, present and a party outfit.
If he said no, then I would tell the parents of the child that the child couldn't go as he was busy with his Dad. My lot did miss a few parties, but the did understand that it was their Father's decision.
My youngest was 5 when we split up.
Whats the chance of his dad taking him spanish gothic?
Hey guys, Chances of his dad taking him are zero, the party is where we live in k and his dad lives in l, it is the first time in nearly a year he will be having him overnight and my son is already having trouble sleeping, Have been trying to slowly break it to him that he will be staying the night at his dad's and he has become clingy and wants to stay and follow me every where which is unusal for him.
His dad wont take him to this party, the few times he has met this boy's mum, and yes it has got back to me, he has been rude to her, so i doubt she would want him there, but our boys do get on, and play constantly together when at nursery or at playgroup or even if they see eachother in the soft playcentres or park.
I have tried to explain during mediation that there needs to be some give and take in terms of the fact that our son will start to have a social life that will not require us, even if he is only 3, that is a fact of life for children now. but he does not care and throws his tantrums and gets abusive when he does not get his way.
Hi spanish gothic, I think sparklinglime's response is very civil and polite, respecting that it was their fathers contact time and explaining it as such.
When my daughter was smaller, her father's contact time outweighed anything else, but as she got older, if she really wanted to go to a party or see her cousins, then I would do all I could to change our weekends. I have to admit this never went down too well, but he dug his own grave, because my daughter saw his reaction.
So your son is nervous about staying with Dad?
he is, the last timehe stayed did not go down to well and ended with him having three months worth of nightmares before he settled down again. he likes the idea of seeing his dad, but i dont think he quite understands the concept of spending the night away from me. he is only three. I have tried to make it sound like an adventure, but he knows and i know the layout of his dad/nana's house is only two beds, one for his dad and one for his nana, he will end up sharing his dad's or getting his dad's bed which is basically a mattress on the floor and his dad will either sleep in the bed with him or on the sofa.
Going off the topic of the party but thinking about the overnight visit.
I know he is only three and so I would be inclined to carry on the "game" theme. When he comes back (once he has settled in again) I would have a giggly chat with him maybe one that involves a game with his teddies/little men, whatever toys he plays with (mine seemed to like Action Man even when he was two!) What I would do is get the favourite teddy or little man and have a little "chat" with it
Me: Hello Action man
Action Man: (silly voice) hello!
Me:and what have you been doing?
Am: i've been to my dad's
Me: Ohhhhh have you indeed, and were you a good boy?
AM: heeheeheehee
Me: Oh dear Action man, I hope you haven't been naughty
AM : no I haven't really
Me: and what bed did you sleep in?
AM: oh, X (your son) will tell you all about that
Me: So, X it's your turn now, what bed did you sleep in?
(if X is silent you then suggest to Action man what the bed could have been....silly suggestions like a cardboard box or a dog's basket, which Action Man can giggle at) This totally removes the tension from the situation and once your boy has talked to you about his visit, you can reassure him and lay it to rest. This sort of "pretend therapy" is massively useful with young children
thanks Louise, I will try that, I know from discussions in mediation, that the layout at my ex's has not changes (he does still live with his mum) so i know it is two beds and i know one is his and the other is his mums, my concern is if my ex does decide to sleep in the same bed as M he is a heavy sleeper. but i could try that with his toys when he comes home. but M is very good about telling me what he's done and who he has seen. so if someone is there that is not supposed to be there then i will know about it. Under stipulation in mediation as this is the first visit in a year he supposed to be there with dad and nana, but i know of at least 4 maybe 5 others who are planning to stay in this two bed flat that same night
If this continues then you need to keep a record of everything else that M tells you and go back to the solicitor if there is cause for concern.
The reason I suggested the game is not so that your son will tell you things but so that he can " rationalise" it and hopefully will have less nightmares 
thank you louise, i will try that game, hopefully it will work for him,
Hmm tricky. I guess the thing is that this will happen more and more as your boy gets older, can you speak to his dad?