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Hello! i am new here, i am a single mother to 1.5 year old boy. My relationship with his dad ended not long ago.
I have to say i feel like i am half dead after all. There are things in my head constantly ,i keep thinking if i was doing things right ,if i was right to end it and things like that.
First of all ,my ex partner is separated from 3 years ,he never got divorced as his wife always coused the problems.One day she said that she applied for it,another she cancelled and it was like that all this time.she even made up divorce papers and sent it to him.I think my ex who has got 2 kids with her never applied himself as she keep using the kids as a wepon ,telling them that he doesnt love them ,doesnt miss them and he dont see them coz his with another girl.
She tells them really bad things>The kids are -one about 6 another about 10 .The older boy really suffer coz of it ,he is very sensitive.he takes dads photos and put under his matterace so she doesnt find it .When she does she throw it away and he take it out the bin and hide again.He says that he is scared to sleep coz she may come and find it again.
This is going on for 3 years,she is going on about things non stop ,cant get over the situation.she wasnt a good wife really but she bleame him for everything.She was threating me via phone calls and messages for about 1-1.5 ,even saying that people looking for me and they not affraid to kill me.
I never reported it coz i knew it will stop him from seeing his children.She managed to stole our house key from him when he came to see kids and she broke in to our appartment, other time she came outside and she has been kicking my door ,calling me names,she was waiting outside the house etc.I got depression coz of this i even tried to finish my life by taking tablets ,i been to hospital 4 days.I am not proud of it but i broken down completly.
After that we tried to work things out and after some time i got pregnant.She was always sayin that if i get pregnant he will be finished.He was scared to lose his kids ,i felt that he is scared of her or maybbe things that she will be telling them.
She told him to kick me out of our flat so after pestering him for ages he said he did.It wasnt true so for 3 years we live together we have a child and she doesnt know about it. His parents when they found out about him being with somebody else told him that they wont accept me so i never had any contact with them apart from when his mum called me and told me that is my fault ,and i shuld leave him alone without asking him about it all.
The true was that i didnt wanted to be with him and after a year of his trying i just saw that he is an amazin person and i wanna stay with him for the rest of my life.He made me really happy.His parents doesnt know about our son and they live 10 min drive from us.They never asked so after they said i wont be accepted he took it as if we have a kid its gonna apply to him too.
I dont know if this is right coz its his dad ,its his responsibility to tell them and if they say that ,they dont wanna see him fair enough but he tried.It is killing me that he takes his kids to see grandparents to them all the time and they dont know that he was even born.
It killes me that he never admited to his wife the truth but he just lie about it. I am foregin. Idont have nobody here, no friends , no family. Its really hard. I feel like my child is worse. I been looking for a job, i dont have nobody who can take care of him.I was looking for child minders and they all dont have a places, nurseries are full too and they are working certain hours and they dont work weekends.The most employers require you to work at weekends ,at least 1 day or just from time to time.He cant look after him as saturday he spends with his kids ,he cant look after him thru the days coz he works nights and sleep durning a day and one free night he is looking after kids again. I feel that this is not fair but what can i do .
Another thing, he never stayed with our boy and he doesnt know how to look after him. He changed him maybe twice, bathed him with me whwn he was little ,he dont know what to feed him with .When i left him with dad once afetr 10 min he was calling me to come back coz my boy was crying like crazy. He just spent all time with me since the birth and he just dont want me to leave him with a dad. He loves him ,he loves to play with him but he just wont stay for some reason.
I dont know what to do anymore.I would like to do some apprenticeship but its full time 2 years and its just impossible. What if i dont manage to pick him up on time from somewhere and dad cant too? I just lost hope. I feel like everything finished for me. I feel that i am poorly. I was going to my gp when i had a depression, they wanted to put me on medication but i was pregnant. He reffered me to specialist and after a visit he told me that the best would be councelling but i didnt have money to pay for the places where he was sending me to so i gave up and i closed myself at home.
The doctor was calling me and i wasnt picking up and he was leaving me messages that his worried about me. I was kind of scared to talk to people. Me and my partner were getting exhausted coz of those problems, we were arguing alot coz of his wife and i always felt like his other kids are better than mine and they have everything.
I took my boy on his 1st bday back home coz if i stayed here i wouldnt have nobody to invite and i wanted him to have a good day. he was saying he may come but she was pressurise him to take kids on holodays coz they didnt go for 2 years so i went back home and he took his kids on holidays for 3 weeks without telling me and not coming to my sons birthday.
He blamed me after that i took him away. From arguments to fights. He hit me once and that it started happening more often. I was kicked in the face, chest, had a bruises all over my body. I could never do nothing about it, i was the one runing to him saying i am sorry and that i loved him. Its wrong but i was scared that i lose him and than i dont have anything left even thou he never been helping me with nothing or supporting me.
He was the love of my life and i just fell for him completly. I dont know if i am right to feel like this about my son, i dont know if i am right and he shuld tell about him, i know it was hard for him too and he was depressed too. I dont know what to tell myself. I dont know how to move on. Can someone talk to me and tell me what do you think? Is it me? am i judging it all wrong ? How would you feel? I feel like i didnt deserve anything. I wanted him to tell her that we are together and its nothong to do with her. wanted to feel important. Wanted him to stand by me and our kid. Is it not normal? I wanted my boy to get a chance to be introduce to the family. He deserves it. He didnt do anything. he should be loved like the other once coz its their sons child , even thou they dont wanna have nothing to do with me. This is eating me inside. I feel like i cant even walk, i cant do anything at home, struggle to eat and my head and eyes are hurting so much.
Hello bezradna
First of all welcome to One Space.
Secondly, I have read your story and how diifuclt you have found it that he kept your son a secret from his ex wife and also that you have never been accepted by your partner's parents. You now have a little boy on your own and you are wondering whether you did the right thing in ending the relationship.
The thing that tells me that you needed to get out of this relationship is none of the above but the fact that he was violent to you, This is not acceptable under any circumstances and whether he was depressed or not, is no excuse,
So let us look at practicalities. First of all go and see your doctor again, it is not good that you are not eating properly. They can refer you for FREE counselling .I am presuming you are now living in the UK. Get in contact with Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and explain that you have recently come out of a violent relationship and they will give you some support. Find your local children's centre by putting your postcode in this page here (click) and go along and find out what is going on there, you need to meet other parents and start rebuilding your life.
And we are here for you to talk to online 
i dont know what is toddler group.i wish i could go back home but his british ,i am not so how can i take a child without his permission?is it possible?If i go back home i dont think i will manage to support my child .Its hard with jobs and wages are low.My parents are not able to help me with it.They could only help me to look after him.I didnt go to see gp again i am thinkin about it but its so hard for me to talk to any people face to face.It scares me or i feel like i just closed myself in .I am scared to go to crowdy pleaces ,i feel like people are lookin at me all the time and if i have to i just put my head down and try to do my things quickly and come back.I dont have friends really,maybe 1 or two but they are working and having their own life and never have a time.It scares me to stay here on my own for the rest of my life.Would you feel same about your child as me if you was in this situation or you think i am wrong?Shuldnt he tell the truth?Doesnt it looks like he try to protect his kids from the pain or dont wanna upset them but he just give all this to us two?Its like we have to deal with it but everyone else is protected from being upset and his trying to save himself instead of making things right?The are not together for over 3 years so how long it takes for a man to sort his life out?
Thank you very much for your time to talk to me.
I do understand that you are wondering how your son's father can seem to disown him, I know that is hurtful but what you are describing to me about your health needs some medical help and this has to be your priority. Have you got a contact number for your Health Visitor? She is the person who runs the baby clinics, weighs the baby and does checks like hearing etc. Also if you are finding it hard to get out, has your little boy had all his injections that he needs? You could ring your Health Visitor if you had a number.
Ring Women's Aid as I advised you and it may be that they will go to the doctor with you for a bit of support.
if your little boy's father is on the birth certrificate then legally you need his consent to move away from the UK.
A toddler group is where you go with your child and you can meet other parents. If you are not ready for this yet then get in touch with your Health Visitor. If you do not know her number, ring the GP and say you want a contact number for the Health Visitor. I know it is hard but at the moment you are not taking care of yourself and it is important for your little boy that you get some help to feel better. if your boy's dad is not being a proper dad to him then your boy needs you to be a strong mum and start dealing with things now,
Hi
Please do go back to the Doctor's surgery. Help for you and the health visitor will be able to give you so much help.
You do need to be strong for you son, and these two steps will hopefully bring you so much help.
Hello and welcome from me bezradna,
I am sorry to hear that you have been through such a difficult time, i would have to say the same as the others, and suggest that you go back to your Doctor and explain how you are feeling and enquire about counselling at the practice, Hazeleyes was right when she said that you can get some sessions free.
How are you feeling today? Have you contacted Womensaid as Louise has suggested?
hello!
To be honest i didnt yet,i tried to pull myself together but it seems that everytime i do it ,he is trying to knock me right back down and i struggle to get up.Today i am spending another day at home,looking like a ghost.Didnt sleep all night ,tried to eat but i am not able.Everything is making me sick.I feel like i am not able to do anything and its just end of everything.I just feel sorry for my boy.Nothing is wrong with him,i love him i take care of him but his only little and he needs to start like that ,without his father who doesnt care about him.Hes a lovely boy and he deserve good.Like all kids.They innocent.i dont know what to do i can only pray to God for strenght and to help me stand up on my own feet and get over it.I know its not my fault,its just his dad who constantly need to ruin everuthing.I dont understand it at all.How people can lie like this.I dont know...I can only pray for Gods help coz i think i can only trust him.
Thank you for help.I hope that soon i will be able to get it into my head and i will win this battle for my baby .
Hi Bezradna,
Your story is very sad but you made the right choice by coming on here to talk to someone about it. Firstly you must speak to your GP or health visitor because you sound like you may be depressed. If you are not comfortable talking face to face then ring your doctors surgery and ask for a telephone consultation. It is very important you get help for yourself because your son needs you. You have been through a traumatic time and it is no wonder you feel so low.
As for your ex. I know you are hurting because you love this man and he has not stepped up and openly declared his love for your son and you but you cannot change him. Only he can change himself and he doesnt seem like he wants to do this. Your son will be fine so long as your there and your well. Remeber it is your ex who is missing out not your son. Also if this man has been violent towards you he is not capable of being a good father to your son. Your Son needs to be surrounded by love not violence and you have more than enough love to see him through - so dont worry.
Being alone is not easy and once you speak with your doctor or Health Visitor you can start taking steps to meet other mums. In the mean time keep chatting online and get everything off your chest.
Finally stop being so hard on yourself, you have had a tough time. The guilt doesnt belong with you it should be with your ex. Pat yourself on the back for getting this far in a different country than what your used to, without any support from family and friends, bringing up your little boy - its not easy what your doing. You will get there hun, just look after yourself and things will get better.
Good luck - keep us informed x
it made me cry so much.I think i really need to go to doctors. I am glad that i can talk here and someone talk to me normal and dont abuse me.i forgot the way it is.
My ex just say awfull things to me its depressing me. he say that i am mental and he tells me that he never cared about me and stupid things like my parents didnt want me and things like this. You dont even know how hard it was whwn i came here .I was only 19.I really regret coz i would do everything just to be with my family now.
When i got pregnant, he just told me to get rid of it.I didnt know i been thinking what to do ,if i manage ,if i be ok on my own.
We kept arguing but i decided to keep it .When i was 20 weeks i went for scan and they told me that the baby is ill ,and my sons bowel is outside his tummy.I was schocked and i couldnt stop crying.He was born early and when i gave birth i didnt even see hi,I felt bad ,they took him straight away.I couldnt sleep all night and i was just waitin till next day to see how my baby look like.It was terrible.He weight only 4 pounds and all this outside that little body.I was on my own with everything going to hospital on train everyday,couldnt brest feeding,i was worried didnt eat,lost milk.
I gave birth and came back ,without my belly and without my baby.felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking whats going on.My boy was getting better and after over a month i took him home.I didnt have nobody,i was learning.He didnt eat much but doctors said he wil be catching up until hes 3 .i was doing my best and he was saying that am not doing things properly and i dont feed him .He wasnt even there.Thru all this i went on my own.I am not perfect its my first child but i am good to him ,I am really trying for him but all this just made me weak i think.
Sometime i am proud of myself that i survived this ,that i was scared of this birth and seeing him but i managed .Sometime i feel that i failed that i wil never be able to love again or nobody will love me. I dont know what men want .If you good ,they treat you like nobody ,whwn you no good they will say that you are a b****.You love them ,you give them child ,you are a his private cook,cleaner and everything in one and you still no good ?I just wanted to be happy and loved and i just think that God gave me my boy in the right time coz i know that if my baby wasnt here i wouldnt be too.Maybe God wanted to push me to go forward and gave me him to love and do things for him.I wanna be strong for him.I wanna be a nice mum.I love him so much and i am so sorry that i couldnt give him what i planned to.
You have given him one of the most important things in life and that is a mother's love. You can give him even more by getting yourself well now. PLEASE do see the doctor or health visitor, it is the first step on the way to this gift for your son, Your son's dad has abused you and you are finally free of that. It is time to get well now.
We are here for you to talk to online at any time
Bless you, stop doubting yourself you have done it all by yourself and you are still doing it. Your son will be proud of you but you must get the help so you can continue to care for you son.
Please follow everone's advice and see your doctor. We all need a little help at times x
Hi bezradna. Welcome along. You're really going through a rough time at the moment, and I'm sorry to hear this. You have no family or friends that can support you, and this in a way makes things seem worse. Have you tried toddler groups? This can be a good place to meet other parents.
I know you say that you love this man, but look at the way he has been treating you, and your child. He's abusive, which of course you already know, and I for one know it's extremely difficult when you love someone, to even want to acknowledge that he is a bad sort. He is with his wife and his children, and difficult though this is, you have to move on from him, and start to live your own life. You and your child deserve better than this. Have you considered returning to your own family, so you'd have support? Have you spoken to your GP again? Counselling is normally free for the first 6 sessions. I'm sure I'm correct in thinking this, but someone will be along at some point and they'll be able to tell you more on this.