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I think a little background knowledge is perhaps needed to get a full picture of the goings on i've had.
When I was 13 I was raped by a man who also attacked girls aged 9 and 11 - he went to prison and I was pregnant with his baby. I kept my son and achieved straight A's went to university and now have a very good job and am privately renting with no relience on benefits. After having my now 8 year old i was told I would not be able to concieve any more children as there was a complication with my blood. I had a long term relationship for about 4 years up until my son was 6. This relationship broke down. I did not fall pregnant whilst in this relationship and had prepared myself for a life with just me and my only son.
After a period of time I started dating a friend of a friend. I fell pregnant within two months - we were shocked but quite happy and looking forward to what was viewed as a little miricle. My 6 year old was very excited, to him it felt like more of a normal family. Things started going wrong - my then 20 year old boyfriend was getting rather irate and drinking a lot more, i put this down to nerves of becoming a dad and managed to calm him.
On the weekend I had a shift at work and left my 6 year old in his care from 2pm - 8pm. On my return I found out that he had left my 6 year old at home alone so he could go to the shop and get some beer. We argued. This resulted in him being violent towards me in front of my son. He punched me in the stomach and shouted in my face to get an abortion. My son tried pulling me up and was shouting at my ex to leave. He shouted in my sons face to "f*** off." He said he wouldnt leave because he put some money on the electric meter whist i was out and he would stay til that ran out. My son literally threw his own money box at him to leave. Our relationship ended due to this event but i agreed he could see the baby once it came as long as he stuck to the rules social services had now given him - supervised visits only.
He didnt bother coming to scans and didnt see our newborn until he was over a week old. He failed to turn up to two appointments i booked with him to put his name on the birth certificate. He has missed my toddlers first christmas and birthday. I questioned him why and he replied that he couldnt be bothered. He then blocked all contact with me. Ive been coping fine, with two children and working on my own. My eldest child has had to go without a dad and i feel this seemingly is the best option for my youngest too.
Recently my ex got in contact with me stating that he has a teenage girlfriend that wants to meet our nearly 2 year old - im guessing hes not told her any form of truth and has bragged about being a dad. I explained to him that its not fair on his child for him to come and go for the novelty of it. He has now threatened to go to court. What can I expect to happen? This is mostly my word against his - my 8 year old has witnessed it but is obviously too young to give statements.My ex is not on the birth certificate, but did agree to pay £5 a week maintence through csa when he was working part time delivering leaflets for a nightclub, after csa wrote him a strongly worded letter. Im worried about the prospect that he will get legal aid, yet i dont qualify as im working.
I dont want the stress and strain all over again of giving this 22 year old immature boy chance after chance after chance for him to continually let our son down. Surely it's better for him to have little say in the matter considering the lack of effort he has shown before now. Leaving my 6 year old alone in a house so he can get some beer does not fill me with confidence regarding his fathering abilities and im genuinly worried for the safety and long term emotional termoil this could cause my son.
Hi Emaweeee and welcome to One Space,
Wow you have been through quite alot and your strength and courage through the different situations you have faced is amazing. Ex's in and out off our lives can become a huge issue for a lot of lone parents, though i am all for children having contact with the other parent, we still have to take their safety and welfare into consideration and for those that do have issues with safety etc should be urging for some kind of supervised contact at least until they are sure that all will be o.k, would you or someone in your family be able to facilitate that kind of contact.
You can contact our Legal Expert (click for link) and hopefully they can give you some advice on what you can and can't do.
You said social services had given him supervised visits in the past do you know if this this still applies?
Hi Keira, thank you for your support. I hope your situation turns out for the best.
sorry for my late reply; I rarely have time to use the internet!
Hi Sally
Due to my ex failing to attend several visits the social services case was closed, is it worth me giving them a call to let them know of the situation? I wouldnt want to be seen as wasting their time. The legal expert was helpful and I will go and see a solicitor this week - none in my area are free but ive managed to find one that only charges £45 for the inital half hour.
Due to doubting my original thoughts of not giving my ex yet another chance; I offered him to see our boy for 2 hours a week until he proved himself. He said no to this and said that he would rather go through solicitors - I agreed. His girlfriend then contacted me via facebook calling me all the names under the sun. My ex had told her that I wouldnt agree to access!?! He's told her social services have not been involved and she believes him - I feel like im banging my head against a wall. She did however let it slip that hes been working 12 hour shifts cash in hand so csa cant be paid. I also am getting the impression that his threats are empty and he has no interest in our son. It seems like his lies have gotten out of hand and he thinks his relationship will break down if she realises the truth?!
Getting rather stressed over all the "what if's" :(
Hi Emaweeee and welcome to One Space from me 
I think that you should get in touch with Social Services and let them know what the situation is. They obviously have concerns around him seeing the children and it sounds as though the situation is escalating again.
I am all for giving people a second chance but it seems that your sons father is not prepared to step up to the job.
At this point don't worry about the what if's, go with what you know, he has let you and his son down time and time again. When you receive the letter from his solicitors regarding access then you can go from there.
You sound like you are doing a brilliant, job and putting your children first. You are not responsible for your ex or his actions.
Do you have friends or family supporting you? Have you been in touch with your local Womens Aid group?
Hello Anne :)
Thank you for your help. I will give social services a call as soon as I get a chance. I do have a wide support network of friends and family, obviously their views are bias in my favour though; which is why I wanted to make sure I was right in my thinkings and not letting my opinions of my ex cloud this decision. I want whats best for my son.
I dont know too much about womans aid groups, but im not really the type to attend places where im not anonymous.. im a little shy in those situations :(
Hi Emmaweee
Welcome from me too!
When Anna said Womne's Aid group, she did not refer to a group you would be attending, she meant one to one support from one of their group of workers. Have a look here to search for your local service.
Also, do have a look at the online Freedom Programme which you can do on your own, if that is what you prefer....it is a highly acclaimed course which will look at the abuse you have suffered and help you move forward.
Ah i see! Well just seen my closest one is a refuge ran by a different sector of the company i work for so perhaps ill send those colleagues an email. I dont feel like a victim because there was only one incident and the relationship ended there. My son was a bit disturbed by it but he had a bit of councelling at his school and with the young persons project and he seems okay two years on. As far as the conception of my first child i had some cbt for that and have come to terms with that event now. Took a lot of time but I can now hold my head high and cope with the flashbacks and nightmares as much as i think i ever will do.
hi well i can recomed freedom programme, ive dun it onece and im doin it again, gud to no im not only one goin thru it, ope ur okx
I hope your colleagues have some helpful information for you when they respond to your email, you say it was only one incident but the impact of that one incident can last/stay with us for a lifetime as you are so aware of with your flashbacks and nightmares, glad to hear that you have some stratergies to cope with them.
hi how are u, firstly i suggest u get a soliciter, sure u are entitled to free half hour, i n o solicters cost money,defo not unsupervised, he sounds unstable, mean he swore in ur sons face and left him, i wudnt trust him, he does sound very imature,u seem like gud mum hun dont let this man drag u down, im goin thru court at mo, long story, ex not allowed any sort contact cos he is violent man, i only found out in court after i fionsihed with me, the extent of how dangerous he really is, my little girl is 2, plus got non molestation order against him, ope ur ok, spk to a soliciterx