This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi I'm new so be gentle!
I have been a widow for almost 12 years & have a son who is almost 13! We are really close & always have been.
4 years ago I met a man who soon became my partner but the relationship between him & my son is usually a tough one - my partner is domineering & my son is a gentle soul who my partner calls 'gay' which is so upsetting.
Why am I still with him? Because I'm afraid to leave. He is abusive, moody, insulting, violent, constantly puts me down to everybody, always trying to turn me against my son, & has recently told me to prostitute myself as we are very short of money & he won't get a job. I'm so scared & lonely & I feel like I'm 'living with the Enemy'. I can't even relax downstairs at night on my own because he gets insecure & starts being abusive - he just won't leave me alone.
My son is at boarding school during the week thankfully but I dread weekends.
I have no family up here & very few friends as my partner doesn't like me talking to anybody.
Please help.
Hello alikatali
You are very welcome here and we will give you online support and information to enable you to make some decisions.
Your situation sounds dreadful and I do understand that “just walking away” sounds much easier than it actually is. But you have to protect your son as well as yourself and this might give you a greater strength as you think about the future. It is very important to get the proper support in place. Women’s Aid is brilliant at this. Click here to see details.
If it is difficult for you to access much support (in that you cannot get away from him in your home) then the next thing to do is to plan an emergency kit. For this, think about what you would need if you are able to get away: passport, driving licence (if you have these), birth certificates for you and your son, think about any access to money you have as you will need to take things such as cashcards. Assemble your kit and hide it so it is ready for the time when you can leave.
As alisoncam says, if there are any physical threats or violence do not hesitate to call the police. They have involvement with local services in an initiative called The Community Safety Partnership. There is the possibility of taking an injunction against him and he would have to stay away from your home. Women’s Aid will be able to guide you through this.
Have a look at The Freedom Programme, which is a rolling programme designed to help you break free emotionally from what has happened to you, click here to see details. There is a section on our own website about your situation which could be very helpful, see here
Finally, the Samaritans are only at the end of the phone too, click here to look.
Wishing you strength to cope with everything, alikatali, we are here for you.
alikatali, sending strength your way, as the steps you need to take for the sake of you and for your son will take courage.
Please do contact Women's Aid, as they will be a fantastic source of support.
Posting here has taken great courage, I'm sure, and hopefully this is your first step towards some peace.
My very, very best wishes.
Thankyou for your support. It's difficult for me to contact these resources as he's always around but I will certainly set up my 'emergency plan' asap. (At the moment he's walking the dog)!
I have called the police a couple of times but they were less than sympathetic - on one occasion he had to be 'Tasered' as he tried to assault one of them. Obviously on both occasions he was arrested but he's soon free again & back at the door threatening me & causing damage. Because of the times (during the night), I can't access a solicitor & an injunction is hard to obtain & quite timely.
I have a beautiful home, although I don't even know my neighbours - I'm so reluctant to just walk away from all my possessions & all my son's belongings. I know it sounds daft but I hate the idea of him being able to enjoy my home when me & my son have to go elsewhere to be safe - it's so unfair. Apart from that he takes to smashing the house up on occasion & I've had to replace almost everything inside it.
I dream of winning the lottery so I can just take off with my son without him even knowing - employing security to help me - then having him removed from my home & going to Australia to live with my sister where I know he'll never find us? I know it's a pipedream but it keeps me sane at the moment!
Yesterday I was told that he doesn't want to spend any money on my son for xmas & he doesn't want me to either - I'm so upset by this. As a mother you feel your childrens pain as well as your own but theirs is harder to cope with because your so responsible for it. I really need to go. I know in the end my son will be happier living with nothing as long as he has me but it's so hard to make the first move - this is what I need the help with.
I have a constant aching in my heart for my son & this situation - we lost his dad when he was only 6 months old so I'm all he has & I'm supposed to protect him. He's a wonderful child but his spirit is gradually being warn down & I am desperate to make him happy.
Thank you all xxx
Hello again alikatali
Women's Aid will help you make that move. I totally understand that it is difficult to access help if he is there all the time. You can email them, if you look at their website. Make sure you cover your tracks online, and delete your web history.
As far as the house goes, if he has no job then it is unlikely he will be able to keep a house on his own. Is the house rented or owned and whose name is on the deeds?
Hi alikatali
I echo what everyone else has said, it is always so hard to ask for help, you have done that by posting on here, good for you!!!!!!
As Louise said if you have a friend that you trust, could you get her/him to take your important things to their house for you, thats what I did for my friend, we managed to get all her pictures, passport, birth certificates out over a few weeks, also a change of clothes just in case she had to leave quickly.
It is not easy to leave but it is the best thing you will ever do.
Please be careful.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts xxx
It's rented & in Mine & my son's names only. When the police were last out they were reluctant to help me on this one as they said he was entitled to be here even though he's not on the lease? He told them he pays bills/rent etc (which he doesn't). He gets a certain amount of money each month (from a pension) & I don't see any of it.
I get weekly & monthly finances (I'm a War Widow), & every penny goes back into the house. I can't work as he doesn't like me being out of the house & now he's telling me to sell myself within the home for cash & has even set up an ad for me & is booking apts with strangers - I'm petrified.
x
Sorry of this sounds insensative.
I eventually just left my house and everything in it, took the children and started again, I wouldnt have if it hadn't been for social services and family protection and my sister and her family who I will always be grateful too for all the help they gave me.
I know it's hard.
His behaviour towards your son, a child, is inexcusable. Please encourage your sons 'gentle soul' so he doesn't grow up to be anything like your partner and also tell him that there is nothing wrong with being gay either, before he starts getting the idea from your partner that being gay is somehow bad and 'unmanly'.
I hate that male macho manly mentality, boys and pubs and football, homophobia.
Power to you and I hope you find the courage that is inside you to get out of this.
Take care.
alikitali
Do you go to the library? You can access the internet there, or could you make an appt with your gp, health visitor, they can and will help you and it is a good excuse to get out of the house, even if he chooses to come with you, you will go into the doctor/nurse on your own.
Please please do keep going and leave this bully, even if it means leaving everything behind, I know that isnt easy, I have done it, but you and your son will be safe.
Please keep posting when you can, thinking of you xxx
Thank you Bubblegum - not offensive at all.
I feel so much guilt for my son - this will spur me onwards & upwards
xxx
Thanx : )
I just said it because when you are in a situation other people not in it can't know truly where you are and what you are feeling and so sometimes the things they say come across as maybe not insensitive but they don't know, even when they sometimes think they do because it's not them going through what you are going through and despite all their good intentions they don't understand and so what they say all sounds so easy and straight forward but for every easy solution they have you have ten reasons that say it isn't possible.
More punctuation needed : )
That was my situation anyway and it took the threat of social services taking my children into care that finally got me moving : )
Good luck : )
(Note from Moderator: this post was submitted by alikatali, I have copied it over to here with the rest of the thread):
I have one child - a son who is 13 & my partner has 3 children from his previous marriage, all girls - 6,9 & 13.
He hates my son - he idolises his girls
He picks on my son - he idolises his girls
He calls my son 'Gay' - he idolises his girls
He won't spend or let me spend money on my son - He idolises his girls
He reprimands my son constantly - he idolises his girls
Is any of this sounding familiar?
I hate having his girls here - they are obnoxious & spoilt &
he pits them against my son who ends up hiding in his room - & then
he gets shouted at for being rude!
Hi alikatali
I just moved your other post to over here so that the thread can be clearer.
It must make things even harder if your partner's girls are another issue for you. I am presuming from your post that his daughters visit fairly regularly.
Re your house, it would be good for you to get some legal advice. I know it is difficult to see a solicitor but, again, Women's Aid would help you. Tired mum's suggestion of a doctor's appointment is a great one.
Louise I just wondered as alikatali is a war widow maybe she could recieve some support and help via the war widows association
Or from this organisation
Thats a great suggestion tiredmum
Hi alisoncam
Thank you, it just struck me that they might be able to help.
I do hope that alikatali can get back online at some point.
I feel for her
Hi tiredmum
It may be that she can get some financial help once she is on her own, that's a really great idea, thanks for posting that link
I did take a lot of the children's things with me, but left everything of "ours" behind.
I just felt that I needed "my" things around us.
My heart goes out to you.
alikitali
I do hope that you are ok, I have been thinking of you all day.
I`m not sure what part of the country you are in, but this link gives you lots of advice
There are links down the left hand side of the page so that you can find support in your local area.
Please do call or mail them, they will help you.
You dont need to bookmark the link as it will remain in this thread for you, thats safer.
I have been where you are today, it was a long time ago now and I lost everything, all my childrens baby pictures which is the one thing I could never replace, please try and get any important pictures out of the house, along with anything that cannot be replaced for you for sentimental reasons, everything else you can and will be able to replace in time, possesions never rate above peace of mind.
I do hope that you will be able to log on when it is safe for you to do so. Always remember to delete your history before you log off.
Stay safe xxx
Does your partner use the same computer as you, the one you are using to read this site?
Don't bookmark any pages relating to this or anything else you wouldn't want your partner to see you have been looking at. To find this site just google onespace and it should be the top link.
To go some way to covering your tracks, Press the left Ctrl + h key on your keyboard, this should bring up your browser history, depending on what browser you are using, then delete any sites you don't want your partner to see that you have been looking at, generally by right clicking on them and selecting delete. In Internet explorer, which is the default web browser on most computers, it will be categorised into days, left click on a day and it will list all the sites visited, right click on any site and delete it.
It's not advisable to delete entire days as depending how internet savvy or 'on top' your partner is this may arouse suspicion.
Delete cookies as well, they are little files sites leave on your computer in case you didn't know, they store stuff like passwords and site preferences you may have set, amongst other nefarious things. Depending on what browser you are using the details on how to to this should be found here.
If you think it's OK to delete all of your internet history.. Hold down the left Alt + t + o this will bring up the options window and then you will see 'Browser history' and a button clearly labeled 'Delete' This will delete everything, providing you are using Internet Explorer.
When you turn off your browser make sure any pages you don't want known that your are looking at are not open, as depending on what browser you are using or how it's set up it may open to them when it is restarted.
It's important to know that the safest thing to do should you be really concerned, and what is recommended by all the DV sites I have looked at, is to us a computer your partner doesn't have access to, like in a library or friends house, as no amount of covering your tracks on a PC is completely infallible short of removing the hard drive and completely destroying it and even then it's possible to recover date from them. But that would involve millions of pounds worth of equipment only available to the police, secretive government agencies and large corporations.
If it's your PC and you are perfectly at ease about what you do on it anyway.. this is a good free program that can delete all your history and clean it up.
Take care.
That's really good advice Bubblegum, and clear to understand.
I hope you're ok alikitali, and are able to get in touch with the organisations that others have mentioned. We're all thinking of you.
xx
Hi alikatali
Just to say hi and send you lots of positive thoughts.
Stay strong!!!!!!
As alisoncam says, we are all thinking of you xxx
My god, I can't believe this is really happening. I thought this was only in movies? Alikatali, get the hell out of there. Just run away. Just leave! Take whatever you can and leave! You said "I have no family up here & very few friends". Go to your family. Don't count on friends too much cos one day they're your friend and the next day they aren't. Just relocate. Put your son in another school close to where your family is. Start over. Sell your house from a distance. It's hard, it's difficult, it's impossible. The hell with all of that. Tell me this: in 10 years from now, how would you look at the decisions you make today. Would you say everything is OK and you're not gonna make any changes? Or would you say I'm happy I made a change? Think about it. Think of your son's future. And read and follow Bubblegum's advice on browser history and cookies.
Sorry if the language in this post is strong.
Hi William
Working with women in alikatali's situation for some years, I can tell you that it is not that easy. There are myriad reasons why people find it difficult to leave abusive relationships, not least that the abuser has often stripped their partner of so much confidence that it is hard for them to bite the bullet. That's where Women's Aid comes in, to work with the person who wants to leave but needs some support to do so.
Anyway I see you are a new member!! Come over and say hello in the Introduce Yourself section (click here) and tell us about you and your children
I agree William but having been in a similar situation it's not that easy because there are always lots of reasons against taking such drastic measures when you are the person 'there'. Victims of DV have quite often been filled with feeling of low self worth and helplessness by their partners manipulation and live in a state of fear of reprisal for anything they might do down to the simplest of things, my wife once attacked me and smashed up the kitchen because apparently I liked coffee more than her. Leaving is very high up on the list of things to get your partner angry. Their partners are not always nasty and can be quite nice when they choose to be, remorseful and apologetic even, tears. They threaten suicide, they threaten to harm not only them selves but you and your children and members of your family or your friends, or complete strangers you happen to glance at in my wife's case. You end up feeling like there is no way out other than trying your best to minimise their outburst because you are crap and worthless anyway and maybe it is partly your fault.
Having said that as I think I went off on one, it's very close to my heart this subject and when ever some one posts here with stories that remind me of my situation six years ago it makes me angry that people do that and people don't have the support to get out.
And! it's important to note that DV doesn't always involve violence, there is a whole scale of abuse running up to out and out physical violence.
What concerns me is that children who witness this, when its man on woman violence anyway, boys grow up thinking its OK to treat women this way and girls grow up thinking it's OK to be treated this way.
It works the other way round too as well, women being violent to men and kids seeing that I'm sure.
I see Louise already posted and got in there before me : )
Great minds think alike
Fools seldom differ 
Hi alikatali
I hope that you are ok.
I wonder if you have had chance to look at any of the links on here, I do hope that you have or can soon and that they will give you more strength to break free.
I am thinking of you.
Stay safe xx
Hi alikatali
I'm new here but thought I would say hi and hope things are ok, after reading your post. I see the last post was towards the end of last year and I hope that is because you and your son are on your way to finding your feet on your own.
Sorry to hijack the post but I read Bubblegum's post about DV and threats of suicide, being made to feel very low about yourself. I suffered that with my children's dad. He made me feel so guilty for the smallest of things... that we live in a country where the weather is bad (he comes from warmer climes) or that he has to work long hours or the trains were delayed ..... and it was all my fault. When we first met it was the intention that we would move abroad but for practical reasons it wasn't feasible at the time so we stayed here and then became pregnant. I used to hide the newspapers from him with all the bad news in as i knew it would start a row "why are we still living here?" etc etc. I got so low... and then the threats that he would harm himself came... before we separated and then for a while when we parted.
It's kind of brought it all back to me (and to this day I still feel guilty that we didn't move as I still feel his anger is all my fault).
Hi mamaoftwo
Often it is only when we look back that we can appreciate the full extent of what went on in a relationship. You spent your life tiptoeing round your partner and took on the responsibility for every external occurence. I know that "anything for a quiet life" feeling only too well from my own marriage. I am sorry that you still harbour some guilt. He was a grown man and responsible for himself and his anger issues and it would be great if you could lay that to rest.
Hello alikatali
We are all continuing to think of you and wish you well.
Hi alikatali. Welcome along to One Space. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, but I'm really pleased that you have found this group. The situation that you're in is a dreadful one, and clearly you want to get out of it, but I do understand how terrifying it all is for you. Have you told anyone at all what is going on? You say he doesn't like you having friends, but the ones you have, are you able to speak to them about it? The Samaritans are there 24/7, have you spoken to these?
You shouldn't have to live in fear alikatali. Are you strong enough at the moment to report it to the police, get an injunction out on this man? One of our moderators Louise, will be along a little bit later, and I'm sure she'll be able to give you helpful information on people to contact. This man is violent, a bully, and is probably getting his kicks out of thinking you'll do nothing about it. You've taken a big step in posting on here, and we'll all give you as much support as we can.
Please keep posting, and take care.