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i know this is a very individual and personal subject but i wondered about gift buying for ex's from kids.
i was upset because on Christmas day i had bought ex gifts from my two and he bought me nothing from them - this is kind of typical throughout our marriage - he always used to ask me at the last minute what i wanted but it always seemed to half hearted that i used to say nothing. so my question is for Fathers Day and his birthday etc do i encourage mine to get something for him or do i wait for them to ask me - my youngest bought ex something with her own money - she organised it all - asked me to take her to the shops and bought it - wrapped it etc - i was so proud of her - that is what she is like - eldest never has organised anything for anyone. Just wondered what others do - i know Mothers Day is before Fathers Day but i doubt very much he will encourage them to organise something never mind giving them money to do so - is that childish then to do likewise or will i feel the better person for continuing what i would do normally
thanks Louise - great idea - yes its not about the gift its trying to think of others and eldest really annoys me that she just doesn't!
It was the same here. I stopped taking them shopping (and boy, did they spend a lot on him with me paying, of course) when he got married. I figured it was his wife's place to sort it then, as they did still live locally then.
I've no idea if the children sorted anything out for him, as I don't even think about.
Hi LRH - I hate that!! And I hated it when we were together, ie, nothing on Mother's Day unless the school had remembered - meanwhile my sis-in-law-across-the-road staggering under cards, flowers and chocolates from her three little ones...
But personally I think it's a good idea to carry on doing what you feel is right, in this case, sorting out presents from your children to your ex. That's what I do, and while it stings when it's not reciprocated, I really think that, particularly when they're small, it's important that our children have the opportunity to pick up our positive examples - and the different positive examples that our exes offer them.
I say that, because there's things that we really disagree about, eg, my ex simply will not buy our son anything with sugar in it if he can help it, cos he believes it's an evil poison - and I know he's actually right! Thing is, I love chocolate, and I love sharing yummy things with my little boy, at the weekend or on special occasions. So yeah, I reckon I've got it on present-giving, but my ex has got it on sugar - but our boy can choose and will hopefully pick up the best of each of us.
Firecracker
xo
thanks - i know it is a very personal thing but i know for sure that next Christmas he will be buying his kids his own presents from himself (different subject i know) because this year i had already bought them with our money so i spoke to ex and we agreed that we would send them from both of us - but i organised them, wrapped them etc - he turned up on Christmas day with some gifts just from him which i thought was unfair - so next year he can ask them what they want and organise it all himself and i will organise gifts from me but back to the original question - i think i will wait and see what girls say nearer the time - youngest will definitely want to be eldest will have to be poked and prodded!
Hi lrh. Louise is right about C and I. He would want to buy me something, so I would give him money, go inside the shop with him, keep him in my sight, and he would choose and pay for it. He of course felt very grown up doing it, though one year, I had to stop him, as he was going to buy me a paint brush!!! I could see his way of thinking, bless him, I'd just finished painting my kitchen hehe. As for C's father, I've never, and will never, buy him anything. As far as I'm concerned he doesn't support/see C, had 3 birthday cards in 9 years, and zilch for Christmas for 9 years. I couldn't possibly put on here what I'd like to give him, hehe.
quite right hazeleyes i would feel same - ex does support us and i know that he is paying generously although it made me smile as he said he would pay a certain figure into bank and then he obviously added up all the expenses and he has amended figure! and when we closed main account he said he would take a sum of money for himself and we could have the rest but he took more than he said - i think its about control though - i do worry though cos as CAB said he may be feeling guilty at the moment but if that changes he could start paying less and then we would struggle! i know it would get nasty then if he starts playing games with money. tbh i think i am going to wait for kids lead in the future and if they want to get something then they can earn the money to buy something then i won't resent it - hope your call doesn't come hazeleyes and you have a peaceful evening -
Hi LRH, you are right, money is often used as a control mechanism. And I have lost count of parents through the years where they initially say" oh the split is amicable, he/she is going to do X" and it never materialises. That is why it is good to get an official agreement. You don't have to go through the CSA if you don't want to (although keep that up your sleeve), you can download a sample Family Based Support Agreement from this website. Have a look anyway.
thanks Louise will have a look
It really is a question of individuals LRH. You could ask your children if they would like to get anything for their dad and organise it if so. I remember being very hurt that he had not done this for me at Christmas or mothers day, after I split from the boys' dad. I must admit I stopped doing it for him after a while.
Is there anyone else who would take over this role? your sister? Otherwise you will have to wait till they get old enough for you to tell them yourself. My friend who is a single mum of a six year old tells her daughter what she wants and gives the money and she goes inside the shop on her own and then had to "hide" it till the big day. I believe Hazeleyes also does this with C. it is not so much that you are trying to acquire a present as trying to teach your children about our customs and traditions