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Hello everyone
After 8 years of marriage and two lovely young children, I finally decided to file for a divorce.
My husband has always been verbally and emotionally abusive, name calling, shouting and put downs etc. I thought that was bad enough but recently he admitted he had visited a prostitute as a 'birthday present'.
We obviously had good times too, he always promised he would change and the put downs would stop - but he didn't change that much. Occasionally I saw glimmers of hope when he wasn't abusive and life seemed normal. Then he would be abusive again and the whole cycle would repeat itself.
But now he has seen a prostitute on top of everything else that is the last amount of disrespect I can take. I find it vile and so selfish and thoughtless.
Anyway, I am scared to get divorced but at the same time relieved that maybe this nightmare will be over, even though I still have to see him as we have children together. He doesn't want to divorce and keeps telling me he is getting help and he will never drink again. However his actions do not really show this, he isn't giving me any space and telling me I should just forgive him and get over it. He also went through my phone yesterday without my permission and looked at my texts to my friends for support. Unfortunately I feel it is too late - even if he did change and I cannot put myself through any more hurt, nor do I want my children to model his behaviour.
Thanks for listening
Maddie :)
Hi Anna
Thanks for responding.
Fortunately we are not living under the same roof any more. I asked him to leave a few weeks after I found out as I couldn't bear to have him around and needed space.
I have contacted Women's Aid a number of times. They were very supportive. I also went to see a DV counsellor. I just didn't have the courage to end this relationship before but like you say, there is no going back after the prostitute.
I am scared of being financially responsible for my children and wondering where the future will take us. I am also somewhat worried that I will be afford to get a suitable place for us to live in because I think I will get 70k equity or so when we sell our house, but in the South East that doesn't buy you much and I would need a two bed flat. I also don't want to work full time if I can help it. Anyway I'm sure something will work out.
Best wishes
Maddie :)
Hi Maddie. Welcome along. I've not experienced divorce, but I know from people that it is a massive thing to go through. Even though you know it's the right thing and there is no going back, it's still like a bereavement process. Sorry to hear you're going through this, but there is living proof on this site, that you do and can recover from mental/physical abuse. I have been through the physical, and even though it was hard to end the relationship, I knew it was the right and only thing to do. How old are your children? He's telling you now that he will change, but he has said this in the past, and clearly hasn't done so, so there's no guarantee that he will change now is there? Like you say, he's making no effort, and only yesterday he was checking your phone! Keep posting here, as you'll receive lots of support to help you through.
Hi Hazeleyes
Thanks for your message :)
Yes it feels like a really massive step to take but I have been thinking about it for years. I'm not sure if that has made me more prepared though. There are days when I wonder if I am making the right decision then all I have to think about is what he has put me through and that I can stomach no more of it. It is a real rollercoaster but in the distance I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
My children are 5 and 2. My daughter (5) says that she misses daddy sometimes which does make me sad but I think it is better to go through the divorce now before they are older.
Well done for leaving your abusive relationship as well, it does take so much courage especially when you are so down trodden by the continous abuse.
Maddie.
hi maddie1 welcome to this site . yes i know where you are coming from at the minute you feel you are carrying a huge load around but tkae each day as it comes and tiny steps. i agree with anna i think him visiting the prostitute was the last straw . my ex was both virbal and voilent and even if yours was only virbal it is still abuse . please talk to womens aid again and try cab as they will help you and advise you on what you are able to get help wise .
it is hard to walk away but it will and does make us stronger and you will get through this. im divorcing my ex and yet he didnt want one and he had the affair and left me after 17years of marriage and then hit me infront of my son. when he was visiting he was virbal towards me at times and that shows them as being the weaker one that they have to be like this to try and control us .
here you will get lots of advice and support and links that will help you . i have found this site to be really good to have a rant or to pour out how i am feeling and there as always been someone to post so stay on board you are doing really well and this is a new start for you and your kids .
Thanks Shaz and everyone, I'm really glad I found a place where I can safely vent.
It is very hard to walk away and I do hope it does make me feel stronger in the end. I am worried about how my husband is dealing with the divorce lately and found out that the reason he was going through my mobile phone was so he could send text messages to my friend to tell her to mind her own business! I was really upset when I found that out yesterday, as my friend text to tell me. My husband also says that I am 'taking his children away from him'. Basically all the blame is on me I guess, because I cannot get over what he has done.
His attitude does worry me a bit.
Maddie x
Hi maddie1
Welcome to One Space, and it is great to hear that you have been able to leave this abusive situation. Womens Aid can continue to give you support via their Outreach service if you would find this helpful.
You know of course that your husband will seek to blame you in order to wipe out his own guilt. As for "taking his children away", firstly he can still have a good relationship with them, that is up to him! and secondly some might say the incident of the the prostitute does not sit well alongside his self concept of a married, devoted dad of young children.
I understand that it feels scary being the breadwinner, I did this myself when my boys were eight and three and I am not saying it was easy but I have never looked back and it was definitely the right decision. They are now two lovely young men, and I am very happy in my work and my home. Housing.....now that is worth looking into. How about shared ownership schemes? or new build projects? (there is an obligation for some of them to be "affordable" housing) Or would you consider moving to a slightly cheaper area? Lots of things for you to think of.
On a personal basis, do have a look at our free online course The Freedom Programme, designed for people wanting to reflect on, and move on from, a relationship that has been abusive.
Hi maddie1
Please don't blame yourself. As Louise says, they to try to put the guilt on to you so they feel better.
Be strong.
I'm glad you've found this site, as it is such a good place for support.
Hi Maddie. The blame lies entirely with him, so don't feel guilty, no matter what he says. Like Louise says, he can still have a relationship with the children, that is a seperate thing from you and him. Stay strong. I'm pleased your friend let you know what he texted her, and that she is there to support you.
Hi maddie1, welcome to One Space
Making the decision to file for divorce is huge. It sounds as though you have tried and tried at this relationship but the prostitute was the final nail in the coffin.
Unfortunately the traits that you describe: promising he would change, the name calling, the put downs, the invasion of your privacy etc etc are all abusive behaviour.
Would you consider contacting Womens Aid? They have a freefone number that is available 24/7 on 0808 2000 247.
Even though you don't mention physical violence, your mental health may be damaged from living with a drinker and an abuser. Why not give them a call and find out where your local support centre is, by surrounding yourself with as much support as you can find, will help you get through this.
Are you still living under the same roof? When you say you are scared, is that scared of the process or doing it on your own in the future, or does the whole thing just feel terribly daunting?