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HI,
my child has regular contact with his other parent on a structured arrangement. HOwever, the responsability is all mine and always has been. There has never been any effort on his part to 'bring up' his child, or arrange for him to have more contact/help in terms of responsability.
Of course, i want the best for my child in terms of having contact with both myself and his other parent, however i feel resentful towards his other parent for not even bothering to try and help out ,.....even just a little bit (i.e. theres no effort to ask if we need anything etc) Yet .... i hyave to accept this person into my home, to have contact with our child, the child he cant be bothered to help look after at all, in the slightest. There is love between them both, that is evident, however i cant get my head around how somebody simply swans in and out, as if we're talking about a doll.
Any thoughts, or anybody had/have a similar experience?
thanks
Hi pink lilly, that interesting because I have just been talking about this on another thread!
A non resident parent may want to see their child as much as possible, however they get the chance to live their life too. Whereas we have to fit our life in around our children, so it can feel as though we are doing all the 'work'.
We have to be thankful that we have more quality time, we know our child inside and out, whereas the other parent, only gets snatches - which be very hard, if they want more.
How old is your child? Because there is no reason why you should have your ex in your home if you don't wish it.
I totally hear what you're saying.
If both parents live locally, then both parents should be choosing to be responsible. In my case the other parent actually chose not to be responsible when we were married really, so single parenting has not really been a shock to me.
I have - and eight years down the road still have - the resentment from time to time.
It's something I have had to deal with.
A can't really agree with the fact the other parent has their live to lead, as I think even then the child/ren should be considered.
I agree with you, it can be hard and when my little one is playing up or sick and im coping alone I feel very bitter towards her father, he hardly sees her and when he does he's a total arse and just sits on my sofa ignoring her! but now I just think, well it's you losing out mate, she knows who her mother is and that i love her but your just a total stranger to her. We are getting all the good bits of being a parent and your child will grow up knowing YOU did it all. Dont worry about your ex and please don't be bitter coz it's not even worth the energy. As Anna said your ex has his own life which you can resent when times are hard but you have something he don't- your constant love and life with your child :)
Thank you for the comments, makes me feel 'normal' for having these feelings. I have support from other family members, but ofcourse theyre not single parents and so they dont understand why i sometimes cant just 'leave it be'.
My child is 2 years old and my ex partner and i split at the beginning of pregnancy, infact he didnt want to know at all. When my child was born, he thought a bit differently.
Im often baffled by it all sometimes, it feels so contradictory yknow? From the outside also, it appears hes a good dad - HE IS SEEING HIS CHILD AFTER ALL. But as we all know, theres more to being a parent than that!! IT involves all the hard graft, that a lot of the time goes un-noticed and probably (at least until theyre A LOT older) will go un-noticed with our children.
I feel as if ive pulled 'the short straw' sometimes and to have this feeling makes me feel awful, as i love my child more than anything in the world. Ive devoted everything to her and i always will. Makes me angry, how some people bring human beings into the world and are not prepared to do all the hard work and live upto their responsability.
On the other hand, i know i must let this go, but letting go is difficult, as after all, i simply want the best for my child and her other parent, is not living upto what i feel as a good parent. (by good, i simply mean catering for her needs, not wants and commodities, simply needs).
Furthermore, i agree with 'sparkling lime', that the other parent may have a life to lead, but that life should consider their child at a fair and considerable level, in terms of responsability, love, care and commitment.
Coming from an absent fathers point of view, i have done nothing but be there for my little boy and i am the one actually taking my ex to court to get more contact due to her restricting me. Now someone said that it is ok me wanting more contact but i need to see it from the parent with cares point of view in that i also have to respect that she needs to fit her life in around my son too.
My argument to this is if she wants more time to herself then let me see my lad more. I appreciate that i work and that i have to fit my lad in when i am not working but she is not working, is on benefits and doesnt really have to fit our son in with her life. Ok there may be resentment to me having a job and the freedom but it was her that broke it up with me and now she is engaged to someone else so as far as i am concerned she has chose the life she lives. And at this moment in time it is me that is travelling 300 miles to see my lad, i have to organsie accomodation in travellodges, welfare houses, etc. I dont have the luxury of seeing my lad in my home. In fact if anything it is me that suffers from the hardship because she gets someone to drop our son off 2 miles from her house at mcdonalds where i will be waiting after travelling 300 miles. Then i dont have the luxury of being able to cook a meal so i have to eat out in restaurants (and it isnt cheap). I spend £600 a month and i only get to see my lad 4 nights a month. Do you think my ex is spending £600 a month? No. And she has the quality time with my son that i miss!
At end of day parents with care get the easy part of it all and it is the absent parent that has the hardship. Well in my case that is!
scousecraig30, I don't see you as an absent father as you are doing all you can to be involved in your child's life.
An absent father is one that really does nothing or the bare minimum. I consider my ex to be an absent father since he moved away over an year and a half ago now. He saw the children twice last year, and I think there were three phone calls. Now we were married for 20 years and the four children were planned. For the last four years or so contact has reduced to that.
He chooses to be absent or not repsonsible.
You are choosing to be in your son's life and a responsible parent.
Very different things, in my view...
Hi pink lilly, I sympathise with your feelings I felt exactly the same when my little one was younger. My ex was exactly the same except my resentment was was amplified by the fact that I wasnt a single parent I was living with the ****!! He never did anything except play with her and I did all the night feeds, bathing,changing, washing, feeding etc. My resentment turned to hatred - but as she got older and was less demanding I actually felt thankful, because I realised he missed out on SO much.
Now we are apart and me and my little 'un have an unbreakable bond. He sees it and is jealous and resentful to me! He even taking me to court but only because he knows I have so much more than he has, even now he wouldnt pull his finger out.
It is so much harder for an absent parent really, its hard for you to see because you have all the hard work but eventually that hard work pays off and you will have something that absent parent will never be able to have - an unbreakable bond with your child.
Keep slogging and you will see the rewards eventually x
in reply to scousecraig30, i see where your hurt and upset is lying and thats a very fair argument. I see that youve tried very hard to be there for your son and tyhats great. Youre situation is very unfair on your part and i sympathise with you.
In my situation however, its almost role reversal to you. I provide ample opportunity for my child to have contact with his dad, but there just isnt the commitment there, which is a shame.
Obviously, the 'hard work' depends which situation youre in and the angle youre viewing it from.
Little angel - thanks for the vote of confidence and i will keep slogging away :) Im very committed.
I think the problem is we can't control what another person does - we just have to deal with the pain of knowing that the other person isn't going to be the kind of parent we would wish for our children.
Having said that, when we can deal with that, it is easier to move on.
It is much healthier to let that go and move on than to keep it inside and let it destroy us
Good luck
littleredhen - completely agree. Accepting that we can only control our own behaviour, is the best way to think about the situation .
Hi pink lilly, I hope that you feel more in control of the situation knowing that it is only our thoughts and behaviour that we can change, as littleredhen has pointed out.
And as littleangel has pointed out, especially as your child gets older, you bond is unbreakable and unbeatable.
When we look at 2 parent families it is often one parent more than another that carries more of the responsibility, however because we can share the worries, it doesn't feel such a huge burden/job.
Although it is frustrating, once we recognise that we aren't going to get anything more from the other parent, we hopefully can move away from those emotions and accept what is.
Hi pinklilly
Your situation sounds absolutely infuriating!
With regard to "getting past your feelings", have a look at our article Giving Your Child Permission to Love the Other Parent
Pinklilly - Google "Narcissist" that should help to answer the question!! My ex-husband was a narcissist, I now have similar experience to you.
Thats really interesting actually, im sure he has some sort of personality disorder and this may be it,. I copied and pasted the word into google and found a page on wikipedia. I particulalry like the part where it says 'magical thinking' - and dumping shame onto the other. This is what i had right at the beginning (not so much now), but it made me feel very 'small'.
Hi pink lilly, how are you?
I have just re-read your thread and it reminds me that when our children are so small, our life is made up of washing them, feeding them, ensuring they learn lots of new things, behave themselves, be well mannered, learn to socialise and keep house etc etc
And when we have a difficult relationship with their other parent, we still want our child to have the best the other person has to offer. All of this can become so consuming and I am wondering if you ever get the chance to have a bit of 'you' time?
I try to work in 'me time', but this happens maybe once every 4-6 weeks, maybe ill go out for a meal with a friend etc.
MY honest opinion is, i wish i had more me time, but im not sure how to fit this in. Im not too fussy with exactly what 'me time' will be, simply socialising for a friend for an hour is, away from baby is good enough for me.
I think now its been highlighted, its made me realise that my 'resentment' towards the other is triggered when i need 'me time', or perhaps when i havent had something for myself in a while.
Hi pink lily
That's interesting...so now you have a clue to the origins of your feelings, it's time to put that information to use.
So we are now talking activities that have a creche, or maybe getting a weekly babysitter? I had an older lady I met through church when mine were little. She used to babysit for me, to push the pram round the block when I had had a bad night and in return I took her shopping every week, which she loved (had no transport), it felt a bit like adopt-a-granny.
What things would you like to do for yourself?
thats a good idea, i need somebody i can trust and i know my child would be ok with. My mum helps out once a week, but thats for me to work, rather than have 'me time'.
For myself, i'd like to maybe do gardening, or have my nails done, or buy some clothes for myself (without watching out for a baby running in and out of the clothes/stands), maybe take a class -art, gym, etc. :)
Wow you have lots of great ideas, pink lily...your only problem will be choosing which to do first. How exciting!!!
I used to put a playpen up in the garden when I was gardening.
What was handy with my eldest was that he hated the feel of grass. So I'd plonk him on the grass, and he'd sit there with his hands in the air, to scared to crawl off... It worked well for a while 
Hi pink lilly would your mum look after little one for an extra couple of hours, for you to be able to get some me time? One of my local gyms, has a mums morning and afternoon each week, where they provide a creche, whilst you workout, would you happen to have something like that close to you?
I am with you and in the same position - can you tell us a bit more - how old is your child and how long have you been apart