The Return of Superdad?

ChaCha

Evening all,

Even though its been ages since I posted an update, I regularly look and read things on here and try and keep up to date, I hope you are all well?.

So, not quite sure where to start. Approx 7 weeks ago it became apparent that my ex had split with the woman he left me for, I found out quite late at night so off course I done the most sensible thing and rang my dad and could not contain my happiness!. Over the next few days he texted me asking about whether I still had some of his possessions in the garage (which I did), his texts were civil but I immediately sensed a very changed man and didn't recognise or like the way he talked and things he was saying (if you get my meaning), he was acting very hard, saying s@@t happens and he wants to forget the last 9 months (with her). He sort off apologised to me for the way he left me and said he'd missed the kids, his words meant a little something but it wasn't the grande apology, on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness sort of "sorry", but after months of horribleness it was good to hear something slightly remorseful.

Anyway, he started coming round and seeing the kiddies, he would always ring or text first to see if it was convenient and would come after work, see the baby and also sit with our daughter and read and play etc. We was able to be civil and have coffee and for some strange reason, even though my head was full of questions I told myself that in good time hopefully he will sit and talk to me and explain why he so nearly destroyed my life. But, I was just so happy to see him with the kids and wanting them, it filled my heart. I knew he didn't want to come back, he was very different, giving off the impression he was invincible, he was excited about finding his own place to live, said he couldn't wait to go out and I knew straight away that he didn't want to return to family life.

Both families were chuffed, cautious, but chuffed and I lead the way in promoting his relationship with the kids, filling him in on the blanks and we started to talk everyday, about the kids and in a way, it was like a fresh start. I really felt happy for the kids sake, especially our daughter who was reunited with her hero.

My sons 1st birthday was fast approaching and the subject of him attending his naming ceremony cropped up. He immediately said he wouldn't come as as much as he wouldn't go there looking for trouble, he would react to any. I smoothed this over with family and friends, had heated text conversations as I really felt that he should be there, ok, he perhaps didn't deserve to and I explained the ceremony was written around myself and the kids as he was not around, he changed his mind and said he would come for their sake. Again, still very much I,I,I but he did admit that he felt nervous as there would be a lot of old faces there who "hate him with good reason" (his words) there. The day came and most people knew he was going, he stuck to his families side but a lot of people made the effort with him as they knew he'd been seeing the kids. It was weird him being a guest, and not my co-host but I kept myself busy all day and managed to block it out.

The following days again he visited the kids, he didn't really mention anything about the ceremony, he is a man of very few words, but he bought our son a nice coat and driving toy, all wrapped and a nice card which meant a lot.

Exactly 2 weeks ago our daughter stayed at his place, they ate sweets, watched films and he sent pictures of them both, she was in her element, he then took her to football practice the following day, he moaned he was cold but he said he loved it. Then it all changed.......

The following day I was shopping, I rang and asked if we could pop by for a cuppa, had done this a few times and he said we was always welcome, he said he was cleaning and that he'd pop by later that day..... That was the last time we saw him, he didn't visit.... He stopped contact, very very few texts, ignoring my phone calls and texts asking when he would visit.......nothing, wall of silence.....DE JA VU!.

I was so confused, everything was fine!, he said to our daughter she could stay again and he promised me he wouldn't drop them if someone better came along.... He asked for space as he was confused and needed to sort some things out, so I gave him space.....he then texted saying he really struggles to be a dad and has to try hard, he said he can't put on fake smiles and can't wait to leave them so he can have peace.....

He said he isn't going to be someone he's not, and that he can't be what they need.....

I don't feel I came up for air those few days, I couldn't believe what I was reading, it absolutely shattered me, I was angry, confused, being ignored and I felt like I'd travelled back 6 months ago....

Last Tuesday was the big turning point, I came home from work, cold, hungry, baby in one arm, 6 bags in the other, tired daughter, cold flat and my little girl was asking for him, it had been 1.5 weeks since she'd seen him, I rang twice and texted, all ignored so I thought "SOD THIS!". I piled the kids in the car and drive round his, I sat outside waiting for him but after about 10 mins I came home, I then received a phone all from him, he was angry, he shouted "WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME?", "WHY THE F... ARE YOU SITTING OUTSIDE MINE, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"....I replied that I wasn't stalking him, it's never been a problem visiting him and that our daughter wanted to see him but he'd been ignoring me..... He then told me he doesn't wanna be a dad, he can't do it and doesn't want to, he wants to live his life and it has no room for us..... Well I am sorry Onespacers, but I flipped..........

I won't go into details but what I told him made him jump in his van and drive round to me, suddenly wanting to talk, I told him it was too late and that this is what happens when you ignore me, ignore my children and lie...... So we met up the road, out of sight of the kiddies and talked, he was angry and I stayed in my car with my foot on the accelerator ready to go if I felt threatened. He said he doesn't want to know them, he isn't what they need blah blah blah..... I was fuming, I told him all they want is a small slice of him. He has none of the hard work but I simply can't put them back in my tummy and he needs to face up to his responsibilities. I told him what impact his actions might have on our daughter but he didn't seem to care, he said a few times he will make arrangements to see them but again, all ME, Me, Meeeeeee!!!

Well I drove off, left him standing there, came home, calmed down, had a bath, had a cry and went to bed....... The next morning he texted at 8.30am, I AM SEEING SOMEONE.......

I replied "are you again dropping your kids for a new relationship?", he replied "No, but I won't have to go through you".... So again I am the big, bad wolf, I am the enemy after trying to help him so much......

I told him not to contact me again. I collapsed at work so I was sent home, I spent the day filling in the CSA form so I can receive my maintenance directly from his wages, I read some stuff online, mostly regarding how to answers any questions my daughter might have, I cried, smoked lots and kinda sat shell shocked thinking NOT AGAIN......but this time felt stronger, I know what not to do, I do not need to bombard him with texts and calls, I don't need answers or explanations to his actions, all I want is for my daughter to be ok. I have a routine now with the kids and we are happy, slightly dented with recent events but I am 95% sure we will be ok. I had parents evening the following night, tears flowed but I wanted to be honest with the teacher, she was lovely and has recommended a SENCO lady who works in the school and who is on hand to help if I feel my daughter is pining/missing him. So here is my thing, when he first left I thought deep down he always loved them, now he has said all the above I am not so sure, perhaps he isn't cut out for fatherhood, he said he hates feeling like he doesn't want to be a dad but after 3 days I have heard nothing and to be honest, I don't expect to. How on earth do I deal with the possible moments of my daughter being so sad and missing him but I know my phone call would be ignored??. Obviously I would be ever come out and tell her the truth but how do I deal with her sadness and questions. He is still living locally.......

Thanks for reading, I await your responses.......thank you xxxxxxxx

Posted on: November 17, 2012 - 8:13pm

sparklinglime

This is so hard for you to deal with.

I used to tell my lot that something had cropped up, which is why Daddy cancelled a visit. Or when he didn't see them for weeks I would say he was busy but if he could find time to see them he would.

Change to topic and do something to make them laugh.

It isn't easy. It's draining and exhausting, but somehow we survive and get through.

In a way, there's the naming ceremony and Christmas to focus on.

Loads of virtual hugs.

Posted on: November 17, 2012 - 9:25pm

hazeleyes

Wow, you've been through a really tough time. I will never understand how a man can do this to his own children, and I think you've handled the situation brilliantly. Perhaps his change in attitude is to do with him seeing someone, but he cannot simply decide to see the children when he is a 'single' man, and then not bother when he is in a relationship. Your poor little girl too, totally unfair on her. I'm glad that if needed, she'll be getting support from the school. I would do as Sparkling has said, maybe explain Daddy is working, so isn't able to come, or make anything up, then change the subject swiftly so she isn't dwelling on it.

Keep posting ChaCha

Posted on: November 17, 2012 - 9:47pm

ChaCha

Hi ladies, it was lovely to read your comments, I knew I needed Onespace but it was finding the time of writing it all down. I stopped writing my journal when he reappeared, funny isn't it, not quiet sure why I didn't write, perhaps because I believed the nightmare of the last 10 monthI was over and in a way the end result was him being back with the kids.......

It just saddens me that this man, can have this new life and really play with the heads and emotions of two little kids, not so much the baby but my girl, who beamed when he was with her, who mirrored his walk, and copied his clothes, who sidelined me when he was present because she was always a daddy's girl. I don't believe he will have the right amount of karma he deserves, I don't feel he will ever get his commupence,as to me he genuinely doesn't care so he won't ever miss them.

I don't know if I can spend the next few years not bad mouthing him, sometimes things slip out, not intentional but the stresses of single parenthood are there everyday, but like I said, I feel more prepared this time, he may be thinking I will make contact soon after bombarding him before, but no, I will erase him, like he has erased us.....

Posted on: November 17, 2012 - 10:02pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Cha Cha

We have missed you on the boards, and I am sorry to hear about the emotional rollercoaster you have been going through.Thanks for sharing. I am impressed that you did not seem to be tempted to reunite with him....as I started to read your post I felt that is what you were going to come onto, but you have built your own life now and been a great mum to your two children.

It feels to me that he is very volatile at the moment and you're right, that is not good for your daughter, who needs consistency but who also cannot understand how daddy can love her one minute then be ranting that he can't cope the next. Sparkling gave you some good information about contact times...firstly don't advertise them, secondly say oh dear something has cropped up (and have another activity to do instead) What is hard, however, is the plaintive questions you may have to hear from your daughter. Keep reassuring her that her dad loves her but you could have a general talk about "things that people are good at" such as singing or maths or baking (discussing people you know) Make quite a deal of the chat. Then when she asks why her dad does not come, you can say "do you remember we had that chat (refer to details) well dad is not very good at keeping to days, what he is good at is xyz and I know you feel sad that he has not come but it does not mean he doesn't love you" In that way you have acknowledged her feelings, given him a get-out clause and reassured her. And yes, I agree, why on earth should he have a get-out clause? Well it is only to protect your daughter, not him.

Posted on: November 18, 2012 - 8:38am

ChaCha

Hi Louise, thankyou for your reply....

In the months before he "reappeared", our little life was happy, work is going well, baby is coming on leaps and bounds and my daughter was happy, although we did have an episode in August, we was away, surrounded by families, i noticed her staring mostly at kids and their dads, we was in the caravan one day and she just burst into tears and said "I miss daddy, but i didn't want to tell you".. I will never ever forget that day. It upset us all, my family, myself..... She ended up talking to her dad on the phone and instantly cheered up. I can't face a repeat of that moment, knowing if I ring or text it will go unanswered.

At the moment, she seems fine, we are looking forward to Christmas and her birthday is 2 weeks later. To be honest, she has hardly spent a lot of time with him this year so I do feel she is used to the situation!!, she has routine and consistency here with me, as exhausting as it is sometimes, it's very important for me to keep things as normal and calm as possible.

I am just going to take it a day at a time, but reading your comments and advice has done me wonders, I am so glad I found you earlier on in the year, you are all absolute life savers.

Posted on: November 18, 2012 - 9:14am

Louise

Parenting specialist

We are always here for you, Cha Cha

Posted on: November 18, 2012 - 2:25pm

Anna

Online

Parenting specialist

Hi Cha Cha, you are doing a grand job. There a couple of articles that we have here on One Space that you might find interesting/useful

Supporting your children after Separation

How to talk to your child about an absent parent

Keep talking with us, we are right here for you.

Posted on: November 19, 2012 - 11:22am

shaz 5

cha cha hi how awful that they can do this and yet your here again putting the pieces together and i say you are doing a fab job. i will never understand how they can switch off and have a new life that i what i find hard but they do and you will through time become stronger and your daughter will be ok as she as you and support at school. i agree with louise i think he is volatile and by staying away your are protecting all of you.

yes christmas is soon here and then you have your daughters birthday and that will take your mind off things and one day he will reget doing and saying what he has but by then you will have become even stronger stay posting and huge hugs sent x

Posted on: November 21, 2012 - 8:33am