Good morning everyone. Have just found this site via a Tamba link and am working through the Freedom programme on line and feel ready to talk about our experiences.
I am a single Mum to twins, they are nearly 3 now, have been on my own for a year. Their Dad was removed from the family home due to DV. He tried to come back, begged me to get bail lifted. Childrens Services became involved, if I had let him back they would have taken legal steps to remove him..............or the children. I never denied access to the children, I even supervised it until he made that impossible, used it as a way of getting to me. Visits always ended in tears and humiliation, not good for the girls to see. CPS charged him, had to give evidence which was awful, ripped to pieces by his barrister and had to relive the attack for the first time in a court room. He was found guilty. He appealled. Had to give evidence again at crown court. His appeal was rejected. He has now applied to family court to see the girls, childrens services stopped contact last July as he assaulted me again at a core group meeting. Was in court 2 weeks ago, seeing him was awful. I had barriers and screens in the previous hearings. He is not allowed contact until he completes the 36 week living without violence programme so we have some space.
I would love my daughters to see their Dad, but only when I know it is safe for them to do so. I know I have achieved a lot, but really wanted my girls to grow up in a family unit. Really miss having a partner but will not let anyone close to me. We are safe, have a restraining order. Girls are now off child protection. We will shortly own our own home outright. Girls will go to school for 15 fours a week in September so I will get a break! So many positives but I am feeling really low and lonely. Never wanted to be a single Mum!
Any advice appreciated on moving on.
Xxx
Hi momofdoubles
Excellent name...
It sounds as if you have achieved a lot, and while none of us would chose to be a lone-parent, it can be very rewarding.
This is a great place for support.
Hi momofdoubles,
I agree with Louise and Sparklinglime. Everyone on here is great and so supportive, if you're feeling low or need to vent something bothering you, this is a wonderful sounding board for you.
Use it... it really does help.
Well done for all you've achieived so far, it sounds like you're doing great - keep strong and positive
Hi momofdoubles, welcome from me too 
You have been through a huge amount of emotional stress over the last few years and had to hold it all together. Sometimes we find that on the day that we should actually feel happy and free, we end up feeling blue and despondent, this is because we can. All our defenses are down and we can take off our battle armour for a short while, until we lug it back on for the next court case, solicitors letter, abusive phonecall etc etc etc.
This will pass and your moods will change. Just be kind to yourself. You will have down days, but think of these as regrouping days.
Thats exciting about owning your own home outright Do you have friends or family in your neighbourhood?
Thanks for the replies. Just feels like I have hit a brick wall today. No more battles to fight and should be feeling on top of the world but just in tears all day. Have not even got dressed, duvet day declared. I have moved back to where I grew up and am re-establishing friends. Have joined a great twins group. Ended up at hospital 2 weeks ago with really bad chest pains, all heart tests were negative, diagnosis anxiety attacks. Have started taking anti depressant for that and just feel like I am existing but not thriving. Xxx
Hi momofdoubles
Duvet days are Ok. But I know we go through periods where we want EVERY day to be a duvet day. Difficult with the twins running around! if you only started taking the medication a couple of weeks ago they will only just be beginning to kick in.
One of the hardest things is possible isolation. You have already joined the twin group. What else could you do to start building a network around you? Baby steps, that is the way, and know that these things don't happen overnight. Every night when you go to bed think of one good thing from the day that has passed, and the next morning bring that thing to mind again. This sounds very cheesy but actually is very effective in keeping us afloat
You will also always find a friendly ear on here as I hope you can tell already.
What are your plans for the next couple of days?
Hi Momofdoubles ( brill name )
I just wanted to say hi and i hope you find the support and friendship you need on here. I empathise with some of the things you said, eg never imagined being a single parent, i didn`t either and i still struggle with that one at times if i`m honest - but it gets easier.
My advice is take one day at a time and don`t worry too much about the future as it tends to take care of itself. I hated being single parent at first but now i`m seeing the positives and some days even feel loath to ever consider giving it up.
You have had a really tough time but you have two amazing reasons to hang in there. I wish you all the best, take care.
A xxx
Hi momofdoubles, I'm glad you declared a 'duvet' day, good for you for recognising that you needed one and then also that you took it! I hope you had a great day, did you watch cartoons all day??! I bet your girls loved it!
As Manc-lass & Louise says, we have to take each day as it comes and try and think about at least one positive as we move forward. I remember that the only thing that I could think to would look forward to when I went to bed at night was having peanut butter on toast in the morning!!
My ex used to hate the smell of peanut butter, so I didn't eat it for years So the positives are definitely there.
Was there any particular thing that you can put your finger on, that brought you down on Tuesday?
momofdoubles, you say that you are only exisiting not striving, give yourself chance! You need to start striving first :)
Have a look at our table of Victim/Striver/Thriver and see where you are fitting in?
Hi and welcome from me too mumofdoubles
How are you feeling today? do you have any plans for the weekend?
Hi everyone, and thanks for the replies and advice so far.
I have been home to my Mum for a few days with the twins to get some rest and help. I hardly ever leave them, as part of child protection they could only be left with anyone else but me if that person was PNC checked. My ex was a Police Sergeant so that was quite ironic but I did not tell anyone what happened at first as I was too ashamed. As a result the girls have been with me 24/7 for a year.
Taking the tablets in the morning now and feeling a bit better, still early days.
Trigger was probably dreading last Thursday, that was a year since he was arrested and removed from the family home. I was so bad on Thursday I set off all my panic alarms during the routine monthly test and the police arrived. Still, at least they are working!
Friday was a new start, feeling much more positive. Going to Devon for 2 days on Tuesday for some rest, fresh air and possibly retail therapy Twins are staying with my Mum. Have never left them this long before but think it will do us all good. Have booked a short break on the Isle of Wight in June, Mum and Pops coming with us to help.
So small steps, and one day at a time. Think the last year has completely exhausted me, time to rebuild.
Thanks again for all the comments, they really help.
Xxx
Wow momofdoubles, small steps but massives strides too, having 2 days to yourself will feel wonderful, I am thrilled for you!
Holidays planned too, panic alarms still working and tablets working better. All great stuff.
Have a super time in Devon and don't spend too much!! I look forward to hearing what you buy.
Hello momofdoubles
You are welcome here, and I hope you soon feel "at home" It is great that you are doing the Freedom Programme,
I totally understand what you mean about feeling low despite all the positives. Neverthless, be very proud of what you have achieved, it is stupendous, and the courage to leave an abusive relationship can NEVER be underestimated, hats off to you.
The low feeling has little to do with the external circumstances you now have. You are going through a grieving process, for the loss of your expectations and loss of the family set-up you thought you would have. So.....does that explain things a little? The process can involve disbelief, sadness, anger, depression......but eventually you will heal and feel more positive about everything. We are here to talk to and to hold your hand while you do it