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HI, ive been a single mum for 3-4 years now and i feel ready for a new relationship, new friendships even, as im now strong enough for this.
Recently, iv'e gained interest in somebody and i feel theyre relatively interested in me too, but i suddenly feel VERY scared and niave, to the point where i feel as if i want to run away and hide. I dont want to feel this way, as potential future partners etc cannot be judged based upon the past alone, but im finding it hard to accept this.
Any advice on approaching this topic would be useful.
thanks,
Ok, so I was a single mum for 4 years following an abusive relationship and I have a wonderful long-term partner now but had a year long relationship with a man who lived abroad (so it was long distance) when my son was about 2. Just before I met my current partner I started dating and had about 8 men on the go at once in various types of relationship (most of which weren't physical). This is a great excercise because you really get good at identifying uncoolness and dealing with your emotions.
Here are 10 things I learned:
1. it's very easy to see a non-abusive man as perfect for you, even if he's not really meeting your needs;
2. it's fine to want a proper relationship and to settle down and to be open about that from the get go - if someone says they're not looking for that, believe them! you can't expect them to change later. That said, maybe make it clear that you're not expecting that relationship necessarily to be with him - balance is key here;
3. you shouldn't need to *push* for the sort of relationship you want - i believe that if you're compatible with someone, things will happen naturally and easily;
4. nobody's perfect! A new man will do things you don't like. when he does things you don't like, you may be a bit stunned and not say anything at the time. It's fine to raise things later if you want to and to be clear about your boundaries - actually, I would say it's essential;
5. Be realistic about things - even if things seem to happen quickly, watch how he behaves and if it looks like he's being controlling (or displaying other signs of not-ok-ness) then raise the issue with him and assert your boundaries;
6. take things at your pace - if you're happy for him to spend the night but don't want to have sex with him, tell him that's how you want it to be;
7. be open about your past and let him know you're never going through that again;
8. be honest with yourself about your feelings and listen to your instincts;
9. you were fine on your own and he's not the only man in the world, and NOT the only one that will ever be interested in you!!!!! If this one doesn't work out, try dating;
10. ideally, have interests and identity beyond being a mother/girlfriend/friend and where possible, take control of your own life so that you're not waiting by the phone.
Basically, once you figure out what you want from a relationship/life/etc be honest with yourself about that and try and ensure that every step you take is something in the general direction of that goal. You may find that beginning a new relationship has the side effect of making you think about some of these life goals a bit more closely. That's fine too.
Also (I'm all about recommending this guy to people today) check out Dan Savage - he an agony uncle who's podcasts you can listen to here: www.thestranger.com/lovecast. While the individual problems might not really apply to you, the sentiment behind his answers is generally be grown-up about things; and find someone who meets your needs and who's needs you can comfortably meet yourself; and don't put up with unreasonable rubbish. Good idea for anyone and everyone to listen to a bit, but I found it very useful when embarking on the dating game again.
Good luck and enjoy!!!!!
xxxxxxx
Hi EmmaJ, what a fantastic list! Thank you for that.
I think the most important thing here, is to not lose the life that you have already. (ie Number 10) don't give up anything that you do and enjoy, to fit in with a new partner. Never put them on a pedestal, we are all human and all have faults.
pinklilly, you say that you want to run away and hide. What about just taking things incredibly slowly. A friendship. Have you done our Freedom Programme? This gives you ideas for some Warning Signs in a new relationship.
I think that as long as we trust ourselves and listen to ourselves and act on our instincts, take things slow and be honest with ourselves, then if and when we meet someone else, we are in control.
HI both, thank you for your comments.
I am currently embarking upon the freedom programme and i hope i find this of use.
The 10 tips above, are very useful and i think the bottom line is, to just take things as they come and if it develops, then great, if not, then theres always another opportunity.
To be honest, since my partner left when i was pregnant, i feel the confidence has been knocked out of me and i sometimes dont believe it when others are interested in me and i sometimes want to keep my block up, to make sure im not hurt again.
I think overtime i'll get over this and i feel confident that i can take baby steps :)
Hi pink lilly do you get out and about much as a grown up in your own right??
Your message reminded me of how low my confidence was before I started volunteering. When you are around a toddler all day every day and have very little adult company, you can become introverted.
I thought this was to do with my ex being abusive and the consistent negativity he threw at me, but because I was isolated at home this grew out of proportion.
HI again, i go out with my son everyday (to the park for example), just to gain adult interection.
I manage to see friends (the little ones i do have) every 2 weeks or so.
I have recently applied to do voluntry work, but im struggling to find the right job to do voluntry work within. Im hoping i can gain something asap that im satisfied with.
I wouldnt mind working part time (15 hours or under), but i feel i dont have the support around me, to help with looking after my son.
I do feel isolated, but i feel im trying my best, often i feel as if im getting nowhere, im very anxious to get new friends etc, and have this interection that i need so very much.
I think you're doing great pink lilly. I can't imagine even thinking about being with anyone else, even though I would quite like to date again. I feel really nervous around men and as a result don't come accross very well. I know its early days for me as I've only been divorced for 9 months, although the relationship was over a year before that. A friend made his feelings for me known a little while ago but unfortunately I don't feel the same way about him, and he had only just split with his wife. Funnily enough I've since heard on the grapevine that they're back together so another reason while I'm glad I didn't get involved there.
Enjoy yourself and see how things go, it sounds like you deserve some fun.
Hello pink lilly, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were "anxious" to make new friends...in that it does not happen overnight and it can feel excruciating waiting for opportunities. My own policy has always been to go along to EVERYTHING and join in, in the attitude of sampling things, and you soon find your own level. But yes it takes a while to get to know people and even longer to say someone is a real friend so try not to worry about the slow pace 
:) thats great, thanks for your help.
Hi Pink Lilly,
I have had 2 violent relationships and was so scared of a new one and swore i would go it alone.
I ment someone completly by accident while out with my son and we have been togther for a while took it very slowly. We had a bit of a blip a few weeks ago but that was due to my insucrities.
Not all men are the same. I hope you meet someone.
HM
yeh hi, thats great to hear from somebody with experience, that not every man is 'the same'. I know we still have to be careful, but its good to know that somebody decent is out there. OBviously, when youve had knocks, its hard to come back from, so having faith that some men are actually ok is hopeful. thank you. x
Well this one has got me to sell my car bought me a new one, taken me on holiday because he said i needed a break and takes my out treats me like a princess.
I found the key to finding someone is dont go looking. My friend was desperate for a man you could tell as soon as we went out. I was tactful and told her how desperate she looked. She took it on board started going out to have a night with the girls and now a man found her
If I was ever single again I would love to try speed dating (I hope im never sigle again)
Keep smiling x
Speed dating, there's a thought, it all seems very clinical.
I have a few friends who have met their partner internet dating, again not sure about that either
Give it a try never say never x x
Lots of people meet their partners online these days, have two friends who have both done this and are very happily married.
Speed-dating...my friend went to one (I applied as well but there were no women's places left so they said just come along and join in the social bits in between so I did) There were lots of really lovely women, I don't mean just nice looking, I mean obviously interesting characters as well. The blokes were a truly motley crew. I was really glad that there had been no places!!!! But I guess it could be fun if you went into it with the right spirit.
I dont feel as if online dating is for me really, althought again i know of people who have gone down this route and have been happy. Finding somebody to date/have a realtionship with can happen in so many different ways, and as already touched upon, usually when you least expect it.
Yes that's true, pink lily
Try Burger Kind thats were I met mine single dad meets single mum x
Really happy mamma!? Burger King? Well I never! Is this some underground single parent dating haunt that I know nothing about! 
Hi pink lilly
That is exciting that you have met someone new (potentially) but also wow it can be so hard to trust a new person, to trust our instincts and to go with the flow. I suppose the best thing I can suggest is that you enjoy "dating" poeple again without thinking of it as anything serious where you are going to get too emotionally involved at first. And gradually you will get to know who is trustworthy and who is not.
Many of us on here have started dating again at a much older age and that can be even more challenging! but also fun and a new lease of life. I guess you are coming from the position of being young and single again and ready to see what is out there. Don't run and hide, but don't get too serious either, then you look after your heart.
You may like to look at our article Dating Again.
Who else has some comments on meeting someone new?