This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi, can anyone give some advise, I was in a abusive relationship I left my ex partner just after my 2nd daughter was born, my two children are now 1yr & 3yrs old. Ex partner has taken me to family courts on several occasion's and seems to win every time over access. He was not interested in both children when I lived with him and shouted alot of the time and complained that he could not cope with them etc. Since I left him I had to take out an injuction as he was constantly abusive on handovers infront of children, he has threatened to hurt me and also burn my house down. I got the injuction but court are still making me meet him between every 4/5 days (judge says I have to fit in with his shift work) to handover children inside mcdonalds were there is camara's for my safety, this is because I have no one to do handovers for me and my sols has advised that a support center centre would be no good as my children are still very young and I would have to leave them there before he picks up (and he always late). It is a nightmare for me, I have very little faith in the justice system. He has also been told he can take both children abroad even though they are so young. I feel sick just thinking about it and I will be worried out of my mind when he takes them. I have a court order now to say I have to abide it or face a fine or prison. I feel unable to move on with my life and feel completely drained in every way emotionaly and finacially. I hate seeing him every week, my children are so unsettled and clingy when they come back from an overnight with their dad. On top of that the emergency legal aid I got to get the injuction said now they want paying back as I work part time they are asking for thousands. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
Hi Linziluc,
So so sorry you have to go through this. Many times Courts do decide that children need to visit their father, whatever has happened. Since 2003 there was a shift, as you can read on websites about fathers rights and other websites and many times they grant the fathers visiting, saying that if he abused you, he can still be a good father, ignoring if you tell them he has abused them as well.
Sometimes there are orders for visiting centres, where your partner will be observed how he interacts with your children, but of course he can behave well for that hour and usually this is only a temporary measurement and the next step will be visiting him at home.
Unfortunately if you accuse your partner, you are the one with the burden to have to prove it and if this, according to the judge, is not sufficient, things can turn completely against you.
I have been lucky that my children were 8 and 10 when I left, but even them saying what happened, it turned out to be a horrible ordeal in Court. My children went to a visiting centre for 6 months every week and it was a horrific trauma, we all had to go through it and the weekends were completely destroyed, my children not able to sleep anymore by themselves.
I know that many times you will question yourself if you did the right thing. Especially when Court gives him all rights, despite of what you are telling them. We will all be here to help you with any questions and as Louise pointed out : there is the legal expert on here you can ask your questions to him and he will respond, though he has a lot of work and it will take some time, sometimes.
A lot of people knowing you and the children just can't bear to see him so they can't help you with safe contact. Some don't want to be involved. It is a very lonely place.
The only thing I can say to you is that here you can get very practical advice and a lot of support. Sometimes we can help you with burning questions. Sometimes we cannot help but will listen as we can't do more.
To me, the books of Lundy Bancroft were very helpful : When dad hurts mom: "helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse" `"why does he do that" and others, as he also covers the justice system and makes you understand where they are coming from, even if you don't agree to their way of thinking. If you understand the reasoning of the professionals, Court, Social Work and psychologists that may have to assess you, you can give the answers they need rather than defend yourself.
Time will help you. They can try to ignore what happened for a long time. But in time, he will do the same things over and over again in Court, as they are letting him win, he will think they are supporting his thoughts and make the wrong decisions for your children. He will trip over. If you can't afford a solicitor (it does cost so much) I suggest to use the legal expert on site and to write to your MP and the MP for injustice in Court. I am not sure if I can write the name on here, but if you write everything down, they will help you and give you a very good McKenzie friend and eventually, with the proof he will give by slipping up in Court things will turn around.
Ps try to gather as much evidence as you can. Written things, recordings of your children's reactions after visits (without them knowing), other peoples observations, build up your case. [[[hug]]]
Thanks for all your advice, it is so hard at the moment I cannot sleep, or eat with worry, it is so upsetting being made to see your abuser every 4/5 days and handing over two very young children who you are trying desparately to protect. He has my eldest daughter sharing her bed with his new partner child who is 2, my younger child is in their bed as she is only one and still wakes up through the night, then I have his minipulating horrible mother who tells my children that mummy bad and they should live with her as soon as she gets them she changes them into clothes & shoes that are to small for them even down to underwear, hairclips and nappies and dummies for the baby she puts her in6-9 month body vest and which are very tight on her and she is 22 months old now, and my clothes I provide for them are always cast aside with notes in bag saying 'not needed'. I put notes in the bag every week to say what clothes size & shoes sizes they are and they rip notes up and put them back in bag. My eledest daughter says she does not want to wear nannies clothes as they are uncomfortable and her feet hurt (shoes are an 8 and she is a 9). Its so painful for me to see my children unhappy.I cannot do anything but keep reporting it to court but he denies it everytime. He is only back in touch with his controlling mother since we broke up as he needs her help but when we were together she (his Mother) was taking us both to court for grandparent access as he never spoke with his mum for 2 years, in the end he made me hand my eldest daughter to her every week for a whole day I had to do this from when she was 10 wks old. It was horrible and cried every time I had to hand her over. When my second baby arrived I know he was going to make me do the same with new baby, the abuse was very bad by this time aswel as he could not handle the new baby and he shouted and screamed at me most of the time so I left him and took my new 3 week old baby, and my 22 month old daughter. I left when he was asleep so he could not stop me, I still feel he is making me pay for leaving him. I just hope it gets better because part of me thinks I should of waited took the abuse off him but at least I would of been there to look after my children and protect them as now they will have to go to him every week, they are unsettled by being made to stay with him on overnights and he would not be taking them abroad which he has been granted in court.I just feel I have to sit and wait for my kids to get much older so their voice can be heard!
Hi mammamia, i'm sorry to hear what has been going on for you, unfortunately you have to go along with the court order for now, do record everything as the others have suggested, date the notes that you put in the bag and keep them as evidence when they come back ripped up and note any comments your daughter makes in a diary.
You can also contact the Rights of Women, they give free legal advice and can help with how you can evidence the domestic abuse, if you can prove there was domestic abuse you should be able to get free legal advice.
I agree Sally, it should be free, mamamia has explained it was emergency free legal aid for the injunction, so everyone knows it was abuse, but because she is part time working, she must pay it back ? That is wrong.
What a terrible situation you are in Mammamia, I can understand you must be so exhausted and worried. Is it so hard to find a friend willing to help you bring the children to Mac Donalds, that would already have been so much better.
Where are the children when you are working ? Is it possible to arrange he picks them up from there or brings them back there to help you out? Even if only sometimes when it works with his shifts? Then there are professionals involved that can observe what he is doing and will be able to report what your daughter is saying?
Is there a Cafcass officer or Social worker involved? Can you let the children speak with them ? Sally is right about Rights of Women, their line is very often busy but they listen and will advise you well.
Hello linziluc and welcome along.
Sadly we have seen this situation before where a woman who has been abused has to meet her abuser and facilitate contact.
Two questions spring to mind: is he still doing anything abusive to you? ie is the "in public" technique working? if not then you must keep a record of everything said and written to you.
I am not surprised you are exhausted with all the coming and going but please do not think you are not moving on with your life, you ARE, you decided to leave this abusive man and you have an injuction and the fact that your children still see him is not unusual, as you will see on these boards.
Regarding the whole situation and particularly the legal aid, please email our Legal Expert (click here) It takes a few days to get a reply but the service is free and he has a great dal of experience in these matters