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hi never done this before but trying to find ways of support. 9 weeks ago my 13 year old son found a text on his dads phone from another woman. He showed me and I confronted my husband who denied an affair but said he did not love me and hadn't loved me for years. 9 weeks later he is living with this woman about to move out of the area with her and doesn't see his children much> he still denies the affair saying they were just good friends and now have become close. The text by the way said morning big boy. This is his fourth affair and he has left once before to live with another woman he came back 3 months later. Last week we had to meet up for an occasion for my son and he said how hard it was for him how he missed my cooking could he come for dinner or me put food in a container for him> he asked if a forthcomming party we had been invited to we could go together. However since then he has become distant again. i know that i have to move on and that the marriage is over but i feel so lonely.
Hi Cottage123 - welcome also - I am afraid hazeleyes is right - once could be forgiven for some people but 4 times - no! you are worth more than that - you are right though - it can be lonely. I am five months in and a similar sort of situation but I am coping - just looking at meetups.com to find myself a new social life. There is usually someone on here to chat to so I hope we can help you - take care
Thanks so much for your comments. I don't understand why he says such things surely he is happy with his new woman so why ask to come for dinner or go to a party together> you are right he will not change so this time i have no choice but to move on> i have friends and do go out and financially i was always the breadwinner so no financial or housing worries. i have lost loads of weight since he's gone and been able to buy loads of new clothes. just the lonliness and rejection get to me and him being nice one minute and distant the next.
Hi Cottage123 - Welcome from me as well, hope you find this site a great support for you over the coming weeks and months, as lrh as said.. always someone to chat to when you need it most.
Hello Cottage123
Welcome to One Space! 
I think you have answered your own question really, you know that this infidelity is a pattern and that you are Ok without him, it is just the IDEA of being single again is pretty scary and not what you are used to after many years. One of my big mottoes in life is "Hold your nerve" and it sounds as if this is something that would help you now.
I was pretty surprised at his request for some "food in a container" how did you feel? I would have been furious!!!! Don't allow him to be in charge by being nice one minute and distant the next. You be the one in charge now and think about all the possibilities your life may hold.
How would you feel about seeing a counsellor, just to get your head round things and think it through?
How are the children? You mention your 13 year old boy, has it been a terrible shock for him too?
Hi Cottage 123
That's so good to know that you'll be ok financially, as sometimes that can be half the battle.
Personally, I feel that now your son has been the one to find this out that an example also needs to be set for him. Affairs are not acceptable.
As for your ex asking for food... Well!
I think being single again can be an exciting time. Just you and your son to consider.
Please be strong and don't let him back into your life (not that its my place to say, I know).
ks again your comments are so helpful. to amswer the question how did i feel about him asking to cook for me well to be honest i felt flattered and close to him again until my relate counsellor and numerous friends pointed out that this is his way of buttering me up so he can keep the door open. he is financially not as well off as me and my solicitor has told me and I guess his solicitor has told him the house will be transferred to me as there is little equity and i have the kids. i am guessing that he will have bigged himself up to his new woman saying he runs his own business has a big house and fancy car. The reality is he is self employed and has always struggled to contribute especially during this recession, the car is mine and well i've already said about the house. He struggles to find work because of his attitude and has fallen out with every builder he has worked for and at the age of 46 he has to start from scratch not the catch i think she thought she was getting. My children are upset my eldest who is 17 wants nothing to do with him along with half his family and all our friends> my youngest who is 13 is torn he wants to see his dad which i actively encourage but does not particularly want to meet the new woman. despite all this would i have him back YES my heart says and NO my head says. I am afraid of being single he was my first real boyfriend and at my age 47 its scary.
But does your heart say Yes because you are scared to face the future alone rather than wanting the flawed him back? I was in a very, very similar situation to you, the description of your ex could be mine and although I knew all that at the time I discovered his affair, it has taken me two years to actually accept how bad he was for me and our family. Only this week have I realised when he feels bad about something he actively trys to make me feel bad ...daft its taken 14 years of marriage and 2 years of divorce to work that out!
My advice would be to go easy on yourself. You dont need to have all the answers now. Get yourself and your kids sorted and make him wait. Its not up to him if he goes hot and cold on you, its up to you to dictate the contact you have with him and wether you will have him back and you can do it in your time.
Hear hear sal73ly!
Cottage 123, I am glad to hear that you have a counsellor, that will help you work things through. I hope you are able to think about some nice things to do for yourself and the boys. If your eldest is 17 then I would suggest you try to keep things close between the two of you right now as young people his age at the time of separation can often start to detach themselves from their families. Think of something the two of you could do together, whether it is a film, a pub lunch or (as one of our members on here had to endure!) fishing. I must admit I went through a phase where I had to pretend to be interested in all the shenanigans of the World Wrestling Federation characters, oh my, that was a challenge 
At the same time, you could give their dad to understand that it is unreasonable to expect the boys to meet the other woman and it would be good for him to spend quality time just with them.
What does the rest of the Easter weekend hold?
my youngest comes back from Italy today and then i am taking both kids to London for a few days sight seeing. I feel quite on a high today went out last night but need to see him today when our son comes back> Counsellor has told me not to enter into a conversation with him just say we are here for our son and leave it at that. Big Easter dinner planned so hopfully should be a ok day. Happy Easter everyone
And to you Cottage 123!
Sounds like a good tip there from your counsellor. The London trip will be fab, what do you plan to visit?
we are visiting london eye and madam taussauds. Well picking up son went well husband came and asked to sit in car with me while we aited so i let him but when general chit chat turned more personal i said lets just keep it to general stuff, he was a bit miffed but did not press me. at end when we were all leaving he asked was i doing ester dinner and asked what i was cooking so i told him he then said 3 times enjoy your dinner. he was unshaven and looked very drawn. i have spent afternoon feeling guilty at what he is missing out on but this is his own doing and i am sure its just an act to get to me and yes it does. wish i didnt care but i do but cant let him get under my defences can I ????
Happy Easter Cottage123. Of course your ex is getting to you. You still love him, so it is hard not to feel some sympathy or whatever for him. You did well today though, so be proud of yourself for that.
I hope your visit to London is an enjoyable time for you all. Are you going on the London Eye? Very brave if so, I wouldn't, cannot stand heights 
Good morning Cottage123. Did your youngest enjoy his time away? Hope the weather isn't too bad on your visit to London. It's raining where I am I know, so hopefully you won't get rained on as you're going round the Eye!!!
Hi Cottage123, welcome from me
Happy Easter Monday, I hope you had a lovely Easter dinner and the food was delicious!
It is good to hear that you have a supportive network of friends and family around you and you are seeing someone to talk things through.
Well done for saying that you wanted the conversation to 'stay general', that is you taking some of the control back. He is going to be miffed as perhaps in the past this is how he has managed to win you back over.
He knows he has done wrong and by turning up unshaven and drawn could be his way of trying to change your anger and hurt towards him... into pity, which might be easier for him to deal with. He will probably feel bad for what he has done and he doesn't want to hurt you, but either way he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.
So once again he is using tactics to control how you feel about him. It is easy for me to sit here and look at it in black and white, but your trust and emotions have been played with for a long time, so no wonder you are feeling confused.
Try and remember when your heart yearns for him, that actually it is your confusion and pain that you want to be fixed, NOT your broken relationship.
He will do all he can to get under your skin if he is not getting his own way, whether that be money wise, the children, or the reaction from you that he wants, so you are going to have to be on guard.
How are you feeling today? I am whittling on, but not even asked if you are well!
just had a text off husband saying has found a house for him and his new partner 19 miles away> i feel so angry. I so want this pain to go away how can a man leave his home and kids, not contribute or try to help with things and happily move away with another woman.
Because somewhere deep down he knows hes done wrong and this way he doesnt have to face up to it. He can go away and build a new life where no one knows his past history, he can be what he wants.
Now its time for you, what do you want, were do you want to be? Whats best for your kids?
I cant tell you what to do but I can say that when I was in your situation and even now, two years on, I feel better when Ive taken the upper hand, been the better person and not let him get a rise out of me.
Take Care :)
Hi Cottage123, these things will hurt and also be confusing because he is sending you mixed messages.
I think sal73ly has hit the nail on the head, if you can take the upper hand, you will get through this quicker. Its going to be painful, but easier if you cansee through him and everything he says to butter you up.
Have you seen our article How to recover from a broken heart?
what i don;t understand is why the mixed messages. He must be happy with his new woman they have been having the affair for a number of months and are know finally together> Although money may be a problem for him she it seems has quite a bit of money from her last couple of divorces. He has said he does not love me and hasn;t he says for years even when i was very ill and in a coma. So why say such things, why tell my neighbours its been me having the affair, he has (weeks ago) been outside the house at 1.30 in the morning asking to come in because he said i had another man in the house. Surely if you have not loved someone for that long and have a woman who financially will support you why would you say such things. My counsellor has said he is manipulating me just in case it doesn;t work out for him and from everything i have read about affairs their is a good chance his relationship wont work. This is so hard as i have invested 20 years in this relationship never strayed only ever supported him and feel so worthless now.
Cottage123, I think you know the answer to mixed messages, but just maybe you want to believe that he still wants you and is finding it hard to recognise this.
Actually, he could be trying to keep you onside in case this new relationship doesn't work, he might be feeling guilty and not want to see you hurt, so continues to be 'nice', it might just be 'his way', he might prefer to have you 'like' him rather than 'hate' him. You have spent a long time together, so although he says he doens't love you anymore, its not to say that he doesn't like you anymore.
Regardless of all these reasons why he is behaving the way he is, this is about you and how you feel about it and what you want from your life now.
He has broken your trust and I believe after this sort of betrayal it is a huge task for that trust to be rebuilt. You are not worthless, you have 2 children and a lot of happy years in the past. You are just turning a corner and you need to work on yourself and your self esteem and learn how to be a woman in your own right.
You can do this, it will be hard, but the pain will pass eventually and you will see that you are freeer than ever before
Where is the new comment on here? I'm confused.
Gem
x
Hi Gem
Sometimes people write inappropriate posts, and they have to be removed. In this case it was someone advertising. The Moderator will remove it but as it has not been read by you, it may still show as an unread. If it is causing a problem then go on the main category page (in this case Separation and Divorce) once you have read everything else you want to read in that section and there is a purple button to click on, near the top, on the right that says "mark all topics as read" Click that and the unread notification should disappear
Sorry about the confusion! 
Thanks Louise - I thought I was going mad!
x
Hi Cottage123. Welcome along to One Space. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It must have been such a shock for you, and him moving out has happened all at once at really. He's had four affairs already you say, so it's highly unlikely that he'd remain faithful if you took him back again (if this is what he's after). Of course you're feeling lonely, that's understandable. Do you have family or friends around to support you? If you do, lean on them as much as you can at this time.
Others will be along at some point who have been in this situation and can offer you advice etc. Please keep posting as it's a lovely group, and if we can, we'll try and take some of the loneliness that you're feeling right now away.
Take care