This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi,
Im on with my anxiety issues - again!
Ok so I have never spent more than one night away from my little girl (and it took me 6 years to be able to do that!!!!). There has never really been too much of a problem with it because she never likes to spend a night away from me either but...
After years of being persuaded by friends and family to let her go a bit I started letting her stay at my mums the occasional night (about twice a month) and last year she started to have very occasional nights at her friends houses for sleep overs (took a lot of courage for this).
My boyfriend now wants me to go away for a long weekend with him to paris as we have only ever been away with little 'un. I told him if she is ok with it we will go. I expected her to kickoff and say no way - instead she has already packed a bag and is soooo excited to have a long weekend at my mums (we not supposed to go til end of march).
Panic has set in now because I just cant leave her 
. I dont know what it is but I dont like spending time away from her and definately not 3 nights!!! Problem is boyfriend has gone ahead and booked it, my mum is excited to have her grand daughter and my little girl just cant wait!!!! I know it will cause problems if I try and get out of it but I just cant go!!!!
Any advice?| I am even thinking of inventing illness to get out of it lol
there are lots of things you can do - take something like Kalms, you can get Bach Flower Remedies which definitely help - take something with you that she is close to and instead of fighting the feelings accept them and go with them - it is perfectly natural to miss her and feel anxious but she is excited, your mum is excited and you will disappoint them if you change your mind - take something to help you over this but do try and tell yourself it is ok to feel like this instead of trying to fight it - hope that helps
Aw thanks guys for your responses. Its good to hear from someone who can relate because my family and friends just think I am too over the top (my daughter was 5 before she was allowed to stay at her nans and I showed up at 7am!). I know my anxiety is not healthy for my daughter and I dont want her to feel suffocated so I am going to try as hard as I can to go away but right now I just dont see it happening.
Littlered I have used medications in the past because my doctor is aware of my anxiety over being apart from my daughter (I took beta blockers when she first started school and valium when she first had to start seeing her dad in the supervised contact centre.) Ideally I want to be able to stop feeling like I do when she is not there so I am hoping not to take anything if I go away but I will speak with my doctor about it. i am waiting to start CBT so hopefully that will combat this in the long run.
I'm glad your going to see your GP too.
Only my ex and my Mum were allowed to drive my children anywhere. That was a major thing of mine. I think eldest was in High School before that changed. He went to school on a bus - and had to stand. That almost had me fainting with worry.
I have had 7 smashes though, which weren't my fault. It's made me a bit paranoid about being a passenger... (I blame my magnetic personality)
Hi littleangel. Oooh I'm dead jealous, a weekend in Paris with your boyfriend! How romantic! 
However you are obviously not feeling this way. When does your CBT start? This would be a perfect scenario for you to practice with.
However we can help you here too. Lets not worry right now about whether you will or will not go away, lets start with having a look at what the ACTUAL worrying thoughts that you are having are.
Can you write us a list here?
i would try the Bach Flower Remedies they are natural and fantastic
Hi Anna,
I will try and write them for you, it may sound jibberish because mostly when I think of being seperated from her I get a sudden pain in my stomach and immediately have to not think of it so am not sure if I have genuine fears of anything happening. But I am toying with the thought of it now and this is what I ask myself;
What if she needs me?
What if something happens to her? (this one can go on forever because then I immediately start thinking, how could I forgive myself if something did happen? Will she be crying for me? She always wants me when she is ill or in pain? etc...)
What if my signal goes on my phone and noone can get hold of me?
What if something happens to me and I cant get back to her?
What if my ex (her dad) starts causing trouble at my mums and im not there?
The list could just go on and on but it gets ridiculous and even i know it lol help me !!! 
If something was to happen to her she will be safe with your Mum until you get to her. You can't stop anything from happening by being there. You can tell her that wherever you are you will be with her as fast as transport will allow.
I think that there will be a signal as you're in a city. I'm sure you could check the area online too to be sure. My brother had an aparment in Spain, and the first thing he did was buy a cheap, basic mobile phone when he got there so calls were cheaper... Does your boyfriend have a different network to your mobile? You can give a list of numbers to your Mum who will understand.
Somthing could happen to you where ever you are. She is safe as she's with your Mum. I always say to my lot that I will be there what ever - unless something happened to stop me. They know that where ever they are I will get to them.
If your ex turns up, I'm sure your Mum will not hesitate in calling the police and make sure she's safe. I know my Mum would have moved heaven and earth for my lot.
I think those topics on your list are feelings that we all have on our minds when we go somewhere.
Every Friday finishing work I'd make sure that all my work had notes on and the supervisor knew of anything urgent - just in case I got killed off over the weekend. I'm terrible for worrying like that.
How does you boyfriend feel about your worries?
Hey, I always felt exactly the same, that noone else could look after my girls as well as I could, that they would miss me, I hardly ever went anywhere without them and it made us so close. But the times I did go away, (because like you I only left them with my mum) and I knew they were safe and happy too, I made sure that I made the most of the "grown up" time. You deserve to be spolit and have a break and your boyfriend is doing something lovely for you. Your daughter is also having her own little "holiday" with her nan, so she is excited too - She will be doted on! Make the most of every moment and enjoy the treat your boyfriend has planned for you - it's such a sweet thing he is doing. lots of love. xxxxxx
Hello little angel
You have had a lot of really good input already so there is not much I can add, except to say something rather "cheeky" and that is: try to take "self" out of the equation. What I mean is that your list of worries (really helpful to write them down by the way), if you took each one to its furthest conclusion, the last bit of each would be......"And I would feel guilty" or "And I would worry" In other words, your worries are ultimately about your feelings, rather than the actual welfare of your daughter. so that means BASICALLY YOU KNOW SHE IS SAFE. That's a really good starting point! Please know that I am not criticising you whatsoever, I am saying that your instincts know what your conscious mind doesn't. CBT will be a brilliant help with connecting all this up.
It comes into the category of "feel the fear and do it anyway" So many of us on here will sooooooo know where you are at with this; I do think that when we are single parents, we can feel extra-protective over our children. But at the end of the day, our job as parents is to enable that child to live independently (eventually) and this is a step along the way..But we are always here for you to chat over your worries I do hope you are feeling at least a little more settled in your mind now yo9u have chatted it over with a few of us?
Aw thank you guys x
Its so good to know people understand. Most the people round me have started to lose patience with me over it 
As for the update, I am sorry to report that I spoke to boyf and told him I just cant go right now. After I wrote it down, Anna like you said, I realised the problem really was inside me. When I read it, it even sounds stupid to me... BUT the feelings and anxiety I get are very real. I just wouldnt enjoy a second of the break. Instead we have postponed the trip to paris (for small fee) to end of sept and are going to have a one night break in a hotel instead. As for little one I have told her she can still stay at her nannas for 3 nights but as I live round the corner I will just nip in occasionally (or not if I can keep away).
I know I had a great oppurtunity but it would be wasted right now. My boyf was okay with it as he knows about my problem and expects that once I get the CBT (no date yet!!!) I will start to relax more.
The sad part is that I have done a lot of thinking over this and I remember my mum was the same with us lot when we were kids (i never slept at friends till I was 14!!!!) I wasnt allowed on school trips or anything and I HATED it. As I didnt have a nanna I literally spent every night of my life with my mum and began to resent her for it (perhaps I inhereted my mums anxiety?). I thought I was so much better than her because I let my little girl stay at my mums and very occassionally at her friends but now I see she is likely to be just as resentful as me if I dont sort this soon.
Thanks for all your input and I am sure in a few months I will be sat here counting down the days till my daughter goes off to stay at friends/nannas house!
Hi littleangel thank you for writing your worries down. They may seem petty to others, but you recognise that they feel very real to you and it is a good thing that you recognise that.
As Louise says you have had some great responses already. I want to add something else, which may surprise you...we choose what we think and we can control what we think. So just for starters, whenever you feel one of your worries arising ie:
What if she needs me?
Turn it around instantly to a positive statement ie:
If my daughter needs me, I know my mum is capable of looking after her and I am only away for a few days.
sparklinglime has given you all the positive thoughts that you can choose to think above.
You are currently feeling a lot of pressure in your life from a lot of different angles, so may be it is a good thing that you have postponed this longer trip and are taking a shorter one first. Would you consider going back to your GP and discussing your anxiety issues again and see if the CBT can be brought forward?
Here is an interesting podcast on Overcoming Fear and Anxiety that you might be interested in.
Also have a look at this website: Living Life to the Full, it has short courses that are simple yet very effective, you could start with Why do I feel so bad?
I'd be really interested to see what you make of these resources.
The days you were going away... Let your daughter go to your Mum's. You're very close by then, and can still have a lovely few days with your boyfriend. UK isn't that bad for a bit of romantic time.
I think...
Can't really remember... 
Hi
I have always found it hard to be away from my lot, but when they stayed regularly with their Dad there wasn't much I could do.
The positive thing is that you have done such a good job being positive with your daughter about staying elsewhere that she doesn't have a problem. You really do need to be patting yourself on the back here as you haven't put any negative feelings, even though you have found it so hard, onto her.
Focus on her and your Mum's excietement for them gaving some Gran and Grandaughter time. They will have an absolute ball, and they will enjoy it all the more knowing that you will be having some really magical 'you' time.
You can do this. You just somehow need not think about it for a few weeks.
As you say, if you pull out you will be breaking three hearts, and you will feel so awful for doing it. So please. Don't invent any illness. I can't say it won't be easy building up to it, but once you're in the car and on the way it will be fine.
Last year I worried from February until October as I went for two nights to the Lake District for my friend's 60th birthday weekend. Just like you, I'm not at all good at leaving my lot (who are getting on a bit now) - there are posts on this board of me desperately trying to pull out.
I couldn't, as I would have been letting my friend down, and my children down, as they really couldn't wait to boot me out the door.
I also knew that I would be able to be home in 3 hours if I had to be.
Once I was in the car, radio playing, I was ok. Once I was on the motorway I started to look forward to it. And it was a good weekend, and my friend still talks about it.
Please littleangel. I survived. You honestly can do this.