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This thread is for people who suffered any form of sexual abuse when they were a child , or whose children may have been subjected to it.
We have a new article online, see here, which gives details of different types of support there is around for people in this situation.
Conversely, if you have suffered sexual abuse from your partner then one way of moving forward with things is to do our free online course The Freedom Programme and do feel free to start a different thread on that topic.
One of the many problems with the sexual abuse of a child is that the child does not realise what is happening to them and as an adult, either does not see it is as a problem, and has to be helped to see that issues they now have, stem from that abuse OR does recognise it as a problem once they are an adult and feel somehow to blame for the abuse continuing, even though they were only a child at the time.
Not all forms of sexual abuse are "contact" abuse. Adults can be voyeuristic, can sexualise a child quite inappropriately, can touch themselves rather than the child, but in the child's presence. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences on this thread.
This always makes me cry.
My heart breaks for you both that you've been through this.
xxx
Hi hazeleyes, you have handled this really well and also you are aware of the trust issues that have (not surprisingly) been left behind. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am sure it will inspire and reassure other people.
It is always surprising for us as parents that we did not realise anything was going on ("How could I NOT know?") but we cannot be everywhere 24/7 and just as what happens is not the child's fault, nor is it ours as parents unless we deliberately put our child at risk, and you are thinking that this "friend" did just that, hazeleyes.
Hi all,
I was 13 when I realised I had been abused when I was 5 till 6 years old. The hardest part (and still is) for me to understand is that it was ACTUALLY abuse. The thing is I was abused by another child who was a girl. She was 11. She bullied me a lot (as did most the kids where I lived as I was the only non white child) and would make me perform and receive sex acts with her and if I refused she would threaten to get her dad "to really show me how its done" - turns out later he was a peadophile who had watched all along!
Hello little angel
That sounds dreadful for you, and you are so right when you say it was hard to realise it was abuse. Have you had any counselling or support around what happened?
The article we have produced is quite basic, really with the aim of putting abuse into perspective and also highlighting possible after effects that victims may not realise are linked to their abuse, and places to get help.
Thanks Louise, I had some counselling after my abusive relationship ended but I still couldnt accept it was abuse, again, because it was a child who was a girl that did it. I guess my conception of abuse has always been that adults (who are men) do it. Obviously I know this isnt the case but still struggle with defining wat happened to me as abuse.
Sadly when I was 13 I began to get flashbacks of my younger life (which I blanked out because of the torment our family suffered, mostly due to the colour of mine and my sisters skin), the flashbacks were horrendous and led to me having a spell of anorexia and eventually taking a massive overdose. I was under a psychiatrist for a while but I never mentioned the sexual abuse then as I felt very ashamed. I understand those feelings now and no longer feel ashamed but I do struggle with how to feel. Mostly because the girl who did it was a victim of sexual abuse herself by her own dad and god only knows what she went through so I feel I cant be angry at her.
Hi littleangel. That is so sad what you went through. I know exactly what you mean about thinking it couldn't be abuse because it was another child. I went through lots of emotions regarding this 'child'. From pure hatred, feeling sorry for him, then back to hatred again. I don't know this lad's background, whether he himself was abused, or he had witnessed something. I looked at all angles,
Louise, I still think this friend put my child at risk, in fact I know she did, and that is whaat hurts the most. Straight afterward, she told me that because of this, she and her husband had decided that they could no longer foster him, as she has lots of little nephews and nieces. After meetings etc, I then found out months later that she had decided to keep him, but would never leave him alone with younger members of her family. I felt and still feel that she put him before C, and she has known my son since the day he was born. That hurt like hell. Since that day, C has never been to her house, and it took a long time before I let C out with her again, always questioning him as to where they'd been, was the lad there. Deep down I didn't think she'd allow any contact, but I couldn't be too sure. I told her that his name was never to be mentioned in my home, and she has stuck to it, out of earshot of C, but occassionally she has mentioned him to me, and I always tell her I'm not interested. He should have received counselling after, whether he did or not, is something I've never been told. (The police had told me about the counselling). My sister couldn't understand how I could even allow my friend anywhere near C, and we did have a falling out over it, but I allowed it as C loves her to bits, and it was always in my place, so I knew exactly where they were.
I thought I would get this thread rolling, in the hope that anyone on this site that has been abused, would be able to share, and would show them that they aren't on their own, whether it's a parent of an abused child, or the parent themselves.
Yes, thank you Hazeleyes and I would have felt the same about the friend, that she had put C at risk. Very, very hurtful.
Little angel, I am glad that you have realised that you had nothing to be ashamed about, those feelings just make what happened even harder to live with. Whatever the other person went through, the fact remains that you were affected, and that is what I am concerned with, would you seek some more counselling now?
I wouldnt have counselling for that now really. I feel I have dealt with it and moved on. Being in a relationship with my ex and (at times) being forced to have sex with him was much worse. Again I only realised the sexual side of the domestic abuse i experienced after I was out of the relationship.
I dont know if anyone else has experienced this but the one thing that confuses me about that is that sometimes i did actually enjoy sex with my ex, but other times he forced himself on me... that has been a big source of confusion in my head. I know he was wrong to force himself on me but I find it weird that I sometimes wanted him... does anyone relate to that?!
Hazeleyes, what happened to C is awful. I know what you mean about being angry at a child when they are possibly re enacting what an adult has forced on them. Your mate was very neglectful tho. Years after what happened to me the girls dad was arrested for a string of child abuse charges and my mum asked me if anything ever happened to me. I was an adult then and understood the pain that it could cause her so I never said anything. I am glad I didnt now though because as a mum myself I can imagine how it would have made her feel. Obviously I would like my child to tell me no matter what but in my instance their wouldnt have been anything she could have done time had passed and it was a child who did it not the father. I do have to commend the girl who abused me though because she testified in order to save other girls from having to and I can imagine she is not proud of what happened with me. I just cant be angry at her.
I don't think I would have that generosity of spirit, little angel.
When I was married to my boys' dad, I did love him at first and we had a good physical relationship but as time wore on, sex became my "punishment" for doing something as reprehensible as going to the cinema with a friend or babysitting for a neighbour. The lights would be blazing upstairs as I arrived home and I would open the front door and go straight up, Only about thirty seconds had passed but by the time I got to the bedroom it was in complete darkness and he would say "Now I am cross, you have woken me up" Complete lie; he was waiting for an opporunity to abuse me. Then the sex would happen. I found it easier to pretend to go along with it in the end, as it got it over with more quickly, but of course it deterred me from going out. Our neighbours did a refurbishment of their teen daughter's bedroom and they went out one night and she had music blaring out till midnight. I was "punished" for that too and then marched round to the neighbour's to ask them to be quieter in future.
Of course I finally ended the relationship, chucked him out many years ago now, made a new life for myself and have even explained to the neighbours that I was being abused so now we are on excellent terms! 
Aw Louise, Thats awful. I know what you mean about just going along with it to make it easier but I would often try and fight because I didnt want him to think for one second it was what i wanted. My ex would use my refusal to have sex as proof I was cheating - obviously if I dont want it with him I must be getting it from somewhere else!
Throughout my pregnancy and till my baby was about 18 months old I felt I was massively let down by the professionals in my life. My ex would march me to the GP and the midwife and make me tell them how my sex drive was too low or I was unwilling to sleep with him. On one occassion the midwife said to me "just because you are pregnant doesnt mean you can neglect your boyf, he doesnt want to come home and find you just pigging out (I was 8 stone) - get some lippy on and make an effort young lady" When my daughter was 6 months old the GP told me "I think it is about time you stopped hiding behind giving birth, your man has needs too and you are being unfair to him" Can you imagine how he used this advice against me?!
Even as I was being stitched up after birth I was crying at the pain (I had a lot of stitches) and the midwife said "come on now love I know it hurts but its got to be done, X needs your bits in the best shape possible"
This was one of the reasons I started work as a support worker because I never felt I could get any support from anyone. And to this day my ex will always maintain that even the professionals felt he should have been getting it when he wanted and I was the one at fault!
Wow what a lot of insensitive remarks! It is great that you have managed to build a life for yourself,moving on from all the things that have happened to you.
Hi hazeleyes thanks for sharing what happened with C here on this thread. It sounds as though you dealt with it really well. Often in these circumstances, if the child believes it to have been in play, rather than fear or uncomfortableness, they can move on from it and not be affected by the experience. However it is often the parent or siblings who end up carrying the burden. Which I know is horrific, but I am sure you would rather carry it than him.
Because the situation came out into the open, C does not have to bear a 'dark' secret.
littleangel, I am sorry to hear that you have been affected by this issue too and the insensitivity that you received, although not surprising considering we still live in a very male dominated world. You have done the Freedom Programme, so you know that these kind of phrases from professionals are not unusual unfortunately.
You say that it is confusing that you enjoyed sex with your ex, even though he sometimes forced himself on you. I think sometimes we want to feel close and have that connection with our partners even if things are tough, for me it felt as though it wiped out all the nasty things he had said.
What a lot of people say is confusing is that even though we really don't want to have sex and are forced our body starts to respond and that feels odd. However it is natural for our juices to get flowing when certain body parts are stimulated, whether we want them to or not. Its a bit like when we get tickled, whether we are in the mood or not it can still make us giggle (or furious depending!!)
A lot of people who were abused as children also find it hard to understand these conflicting emotions. "Somebody is doing something to me that I really don't want them to, I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, but then I find that I am kind of enjoying the sensation too." Which is completely normal - again our body reacts when stimulated. A lot of adult survivors don't talk about abuse that they have received because they feel ashamed for 'enjoying' it.
Does that answer your question littleangel?
Hi anna, sorry for late response had no internet for a while.
Yeah I relate to what you said,particularly about enjoying sex with my ex,even though he was a brute! Its amazing how much damage someone can do to you, because even the things you enjoyed with them (or thought you did) you are left questioning?! He was on the phone to me yesterday (called from witheld and tricked me) and he was saying about my new fella (well old coz it been 5 years lol) "you know he cant satisfy you like i did" etc I just wanted to scream at him but I was perfectly calm we are in court in 10 days and dont need the headache. It really gets my back up that he can go around thinking he is some great lover when he is more like a sex abuser!!!! I sometimes feel THAT is my fault because at times I did enjoy it and he plays on it - grrrr!
Aww little angel do not blame yourself.
You are in court soon. Is that to do with the abuse? How can we support you?
Thanks Louise.
Im in court because that (bleep bleep) is taking a prohibited steps order against me (no clue why) and requesting unsupervised contact with my daughter. Its just his way of further adding stress to my life.
Hi thanks little angel, I have been talking with you about that on the other thread. Chin up, we are all supporting you.
As some of you know, my son was abused when he was four years old. It was a friend of 25 years foster son. He was 11 at the time. I'm ashamed to say it not only happened at her house, but also in my own place, and I was totally unaware. During the time it was going on, my son was doing the actions of masturbating, which I found odd to say the least, especially as there were never any males around him. It all came out when one day, my son was at my friend's house, and when she brought him home, the only thing she really said was I needed to speak to him as she'd caught the foster son doing something, and his behaviour was odd, but my son wouldn't say anything.
I felt sick to my stomach, angry etc. Anyhow, I asked C what he'd been playing with the lad, and when he told me, I could have cried. It all came out then that they'd played this 'game' here in my place. Once I'd settled him into bed, I immediately rang childline and they were the ones who said it was a sexual act, and that social services had to be informed. By this time I was shaking, crying, and blamed myself too. I'd been told that this lad had a mental age of 5 (which is why I didn't mind him playing with my four year old), but childline said the things he'd said to my son weren't those of a 5 year old!!! Once I'd spoken to them, I rang my friend, she was out, her husband answered it, and because I thought he knew what was going on, I simply said I needed to speak to her about what had happened with C. His first words to me were 'has he touched him, that's it, never again will he be allowed near C'. Again this rang alarm bells for me. Those words told me that my friend must have known that there was something in this lad's background, and she didn't even warn me. I know that she's not allowed to say anything really, but she could have just said, 'don't leave the boys on their own, always be in their presence'. Something like that anyway, then I would have been aware of stuff wouldn't I?
My friend called me about midnight. She'd been to see a friend of hers as she needed someone to talk too. She said that she'd have to report it to Social Services the following morning.
The following day I rang my GP to ask what he made of it all, and he agreed with childline, it was sexual abuse, and C doing the masturbation action wasn't something that a '5 year old' would have been doing, also again, the words that he was saying to C. I asked his advice, he told me not to question C anymore, and that he'd have a word with him also. That same day, I had a call from the Police. She was lovely, and said it had to be investigated, meetings with the Police and Social Services, which neither myself nor my friend were allowed to sit in on. The police lady kept me informed of everything, and apparantely, this lad didn't have the mind of a 5 year old at all!! Yes he does have problems, but he knew exactly what he was doing to my son. I could have prosecuted him, but that would have meant C being interviewed and I couldn't let him go through that. I'd played it all down with him, my GP had spoken to him, and I wanted to try and forget all about it. Easier said than done of course, as I have massive trust issues now. C does remember it all, and last year out of the blue, C spoke about something that my friend had said. He'd thought she was cross with him on that night, so I did chat to him, reassured him that nobody had been cross with him, and that he hadn't done anything wrong.