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Hi all,
Not been on for a little while been bogged down with assignments.
My latest issue (there's always one!) is my little girls surname. Her surname on birth certificate is her dad's surname, but when she started school I agreed with the school that she would be 'known by' my surname as we were in hiding from her dad and I felt it would be better for her to have my name which she knew.
She has been using my surname for the past 5 years at school but all official documents and medical records etc have her dads surname on them. Angel has been asking for about two years to just have my surname completely as she doesnt recognise herself with the other surname. Her dad issued me an official warning via his solicitor 3 years ago stating that any attempt to try and change her name will be officially challenged by him so I cant change her name.
Problem is during some recent medical examinations being done at school when the nurse has called angel out they have used her dads surname (as that is what is on her medical notes) now the kids at school have picked up on the fact Angel has two names and innocently im sure, keep asking her why she has two names, with a few children taking the micky out of her for it.
Last night angel was very quiet and looked upset, I asked her what was wrong and she seemed to completely flip! She was very, very worked up and she said she wants her dads name of hers right now, she said she hates him, she doesnt want nothing to do with him and she doesnt understand why she cant just have my name. She also started saying that if/when she gets a brother or sister she is not going to have the same name as them and it will be stupid because she feels like she doesnt belong because her name is different from anyone else in the family (her cousins who she is very close with all have same surname as me).
I tried to reassure her that a name doesnt matter but she was in a right state. How can I explain all this to her as at the moment she is feeling like her dad is trying to punish her?
Aw, thanks Anna, I didnt realise you could change a name on medical stuff... I will definately get on to that, I assumed that had to be kept as your legal name for some reason.
I always tell my little girl she is a (my surname) and she has all the characteristics to go with it!! When she is feeling down about it though she doesnt except it. I am so frustrated for her over this. I understad why it upsets her but as I feel I cant change it I try to play down the importance of her name.
Im not sure i have strength for another court battle at this stage but I will wait and see how angel's counselling progresses and if she still feels so affected by it I will look in to taking him on again.
I spoke to angel's counsellor before to mention the episode and she said she thinks angel has put a negative association of the name to all the stuff she has been through and its like she now wants to move away from it and she feels the name is still tying her to him and the bad memories. Makes me feel so sad for her 
Anna, I looked at the link and think I could quite easily get an order to change her name, I was gonna mail legal help for advice but cant find the link...? Have they gone or I am i 'having a moment'? lol
Hi littleangel, the poor little thing, my daughter was the same, do have a look at the link above, because it does suggest that you may under circumstances get a court order to change her name, without involving the father and maybe now is the time to do it, especially as he has so recently been granted no access.
I don't know that you can downplay the importance of a name, she very obviously feels it and perhaps when you try and play it down, she may feel unheard??
Years ago I did some training about life after dv and the effects on children when they are living in a refuge and one thing really stuck out for me, how important it is for mother and child that their names are spelt correctly.
We had to create a name badge for the person next to us, we had crayons, stickers, etc, I happened to be next to the only guy and we were supposed to discuss who we were and where we worked, whilst we created these tags. Anyway, he wrote my name in biro and spelt it Anne, instead of starting again, he tried to write over it. He didn't add any sparkles or felt tip colour. After the exercise we were asked to feedback. I honestly admitted that I was upset with how little effort had gone into my badge and it was then it dawned on my, just HOW important our names are.
Another thought - are there any famous people with the same surname as littleangels father? Or anyone else you know that is not related?
Yeah your absolutely right, especially about her feeling unheard. I tend to down play all my own problems and I should not be doing that with someething so important to her.
I am gonna look in to the cost of getting the order and how best to go about it. it does seem doable. (cant find link for legal help thou).
Isnt it strange that spelling names is of such importance particularly after experience of DV. I have no issues with that I have an African surname that noone can ever spell, pronounce or read so I am totally used to having my name misspelled or mis-pronounced. Angel's dads surname is slightly more common and easy to say but it is also the surname of our local MP whom is not flavour of the month round here so we often see graffiti with his full name and a few unsavoury words! There are no famous people with the name that i can i know off.
Hey littleangel,
Names are incredibly important. I had a really poor relationship with my father and changed my name by deed poll when I started University (I couldn't wait to be free of any association with him, so I totally understand angel's feelings on the matter!)
I'm sorry you weren't able to find 'legal's' link - we're having a few technical hitches at One Space at present. Hopefully, I will have pasted it here for you.
Thanks Mary x
Yeah I understand how important this is for angel so depeding on cost I will aim to sort this out for her.
As far as I'm aware, it shouldn't prove too expensive.
Hoping that you get some answers from 'legal' very soon and that angel gets to be a (insert your surname here) as soon as it can be arranged 
hi little angel just to let u no i ad court yest, i broke down in private room, cudnt go in court he turned up, anyway i didnt av to go in, he as do drug test by jan 2nd, he got told off for not doin drug test and turnin up to see cafcass lady, next hearin feb 27th, courts not messin bout, told ex if he not dun drug test then tuff, i really hope he stil gets not conatct i got my non molestation order and residence order,cafcass report was in favour of me and cafcass lady recomends no contact at all,m even supervised cos of he criminal activities and weapons and drugs, wot do u think hunxx
i av to do a statement. my soliciter gona elp me, and i av to stand up in a majaistrates court and say why i dont want ex to have contactx
Hi kiera, have you started to think about the statement, or will you do it all with the solicitor?
Hi littleangel, I hope you are well Did you hear back from the legal advisor? Are you any steps forward with your decision to change your littleangels surname?
Keira, your scenario is almost the same as mine. I was told repeatedly if cafcass say no contact then the court wont allow contact so it looks good for you. I also had to stand up and explain why I didnt want contact, you will be fine hun you know the reasoms already so just stay strong.
Anna, I am going to change her name in the new year. I dont think I have to go court to do it as the evidence I got from last court case should be enough. I just need to get xmas out the way and I will chage her name before her next birthday in Feb
Brilliant news littleangel, what a fab birthday present for her
hi in report says cfacass lady cant see in long term how ex can benifit my little girl in a positive way and risk to me to high and wud set me bk on my recovery, cos of his ongoin criminal activity, he is dangerous man, alot risk around him, he asnt even dun aot courts av asked him to do, hea snt got long to do drug test either, he sayin i harassed him, ha, he as pulled tht out the hat, yes i do statement with my soliciter, x
hi thanks for ur reply, burst into tears this mornin, feel down, scared my ex getin even supervised contact. i no cafacss said bout no contact and the risk to me as well wud set bk my recovery,my soliciter said in court contact is short term in center so wot bout after centre and the risks, really ope judges say no contact, icant elp feelin worreid upset, was u same hunx
Hi Keira sorry your upset. Yes I was the same. Stressig over the what ifs constantly, but now i see that did me no good what so ever. Worrying will change nothing so all you can do is deal with what you know. So right now it is about your ex doing his drug test and you doing your statement. You cant do anything about his test but you can sort out your statement so focus on that. Take one step at a time, he may not get any cotact so stressig now is useless, and if he does well you can deal with that at the time with the knowledge you will have.
I know its hard but try not to be consumed with it all. I made myself very poorly in the run up to court and am still struggling now but all that stress was for nothing.
Hi littleangel
I'm coming to this late and I know you're all sorted now but I just wanted to say when I was growing up I lived with my Mum, Stepdad and younger half sister. Everyone else had the same surname, including my uncles and their families. Every day of my life I felt seperate and different (although my Mum was also critical and made me feel unacceptable so I think the name thing was only part of that.)
I didn't articulate how upset I was about the name so I think it is very positive your daughter feels she can talk to you about it and get upset and that she is safe to do that with you. I wasn't able to say anything negative when I was growing up as I was immediately painted as difficult. I just had to be fine with the fact I didn't fit in with my family.
My Mum did try and change my name when she married my stepdad when I was 5 or 6 but my birth Father said no as he would feel like I "wasn't his" anymore which was completely ridiculous given he only had contact every three weeks and he frequently missed it without notice.
He was a histrionic narcissist and I felt like I was tainted by him but that was probably because whenever I did something unacceptable to my Mum (but normal) like expressing a negative emotion she complained I was just like him.
So in a roundabout way I am saying if you can't change her name the fact that she is safe to keep bringing this upset up with you any time she needs to and that you are able to be supportive of her is probably more important in the long run.
If it helps at all by the time I reached the age I could legally change my name I wasn't bothered by it (although that could have been repression!!)
Love Gem
x
Hi GEM,
Thanks for your input, its really good to hear it from a differet angle. I really think I never put enough empathisis on a name. (me and one of my sisters have a different surname from my mum and our other brother and sister) I have come to realise how differently people view their name, I have my dad's surname and he was absent from me being 2 years old, my only issue with havig his name was that it was unpronouncable and I got embarrassed by this when I was younger but now I love my name as it is unique (there are only two listed in directory -me and my sister!).
I will definately be changing angels name in the new year as I hate seeing her upset.
My friend's dad left when friend was 10 and the eldest of four children. His mum remarried and they had more children. My friend thought so highly of his stepdad and respected him so much for bringing up him and his sisters that the minute he legally could, he went to the solicitor and changed his surname by deed poll.
Hi littleangel, names are so important to us, they define us and obviously it does matter to your little one.
I changed my daughters name, like you did, this included her medical details as well. The only things I couldn't change were her passport and when she opened a bank account.
I am wondering if you can get the ball rolling with her medical stuff then once it has been changed there, that can be a celebration for your daughter.
Tell her that because her fathers name is on the birth certificate and because of decisions made long ago, you are able to change everything except the passport and bank account. My daughter and I used to make a bit of a joke of it as far as I was concerned she was a G***** (my surname) however a few weeks after her 16th birthday she changed her name by deed poll! I was surprised how happy I was for her
If you have the strength, you might also be interested in this: Changing a child's name without the consent of an absent father whose whereabouts is known (click), it may apply in your case, but of course it would be another visit to the courts.
What do you think?