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Hi Guys,
I apologise but this is gonna be long...
My sister (14) is completely and utterly out of control. The whole family is being impacted by her behaviour and I am scared she is gonna kill my mum because of the stress she is causing.
My sister was always what you call 'difficult' in primary school she assaulted a teacher, would throw chairs etc. When she was 12 she was getting arrested and assaulted a police officer. Shortly afterwards she was diagnosed with ADHD. For a short period while on meds she was much better behaved but in the last 12 months she has decided she isnt going to take the meds and she is out of control. The worst of it began when she got her first boyfriend 6 months ago (he also has ADHD ad refuses to take his meds) The two of them are physically violent to each other (more her than him tbh) in my mums home. My mum has tried to keep them apart but my sister takes zero notice and is literally obsessed with him. We quite liked him as he is very polite and always tells my sister not to speak to my mum the way she does etc.
Two weeks ago my sister was arrested for shoplifting and my mum explained that she was at her wits end with her and the police officer advised us that her boyfriend is not a good influence and he is 17!!!! We were told he was 15 as he still goes to school - but this is because he was put back a year. He also has a long criminal history.
My mum was distraught (we already knew they were sleeping together - my sister told my mum "try and stop me") At the police station my sister did one of her grand performances - told everyone how "evil" my mum is how she hates her, told the police "**** off", refused to give a statement and then assaulted an officer (and nearly my mum). She was made to spend a night in the cells.
My brother is 21 and the sweetest guy you will ever meet. He caught my sister stealing £30 from his bedroom (she smokes weed too we now know!) and tried to snatch it back from her she then jumped on him and started punching him. He pushed her away and accidently caught her face. She already had an old bruise on her face probably from one of her many fights but she immediately turned to him and said "oh your gonna pay for this" She then went in to school (which is rare) to tell them that her 21 year old brother had "punched" her in the face! 11:30pm police come hammering the door down for my brother. He is training to be a P.E. teacher. My sister refused to allow the police in to her room, refused to give them a statement or let them take a picture of her bruise but she kept shouting "you better arrest him he wants to work with kids and he has hit me". Luckily for my brother the police saw through her act and refused to even question my brother so thankfully he can continue his career.
Whilst I was there on one occasion recently my sister was demanding money of my mum my mum said no, so my sister went to hit my mum and I jumped up to intervene. My sister turned to me immediately and said "you touch me and you can kiss goodbye to being a social worker I will get you arrested"
My mum tried to ban my sister from seeing her boyfriend due to his age and past but my sister has told my mum if she does she will kill herself (my sister self harms already). My mum doesnt know what to do. She was supposed to have an operation on her stomach but had to cancel it as my sister went on one of her many disappearing acts. My mum has dangerously high blood pressure and is quite poorly.
At her court hearing we met her boyfriends dad who is equally as ill as my mum. He has been through hell with his son. When we told him my sister was 14 he almost collapsed (my sister had told him she was 16). He also tried to keep them apart but no joy.
We have had a CAF at school but that was no help. Social services were no help (my sister point blank refuses to speak to professionals). It is suspected my sister may have something more than ADHD but they are unable to diagnose anything as my sister will not take part in any assessments. My mum has to go court herself soon over my sisters truancy. My mum sends my sister out at 7.30am every day but my sister goes to her boyfriends. School dont seem to want her there to honest as they have had so many problems with her she is constantly suspended.
We all feel so helpless my mum is distraught. Today we found folic acid tablets in my sisters room - I think this has sent my mum over the edge (my sister refuses to take the pill but my mum does manage to get it down her occassionally). My sister wont come home at the moment (prob till half ten tonight) so we are unsure at this stage if she is pregnant or not. My sister has no sense of fear on danger she walks the streets very late at night cutting through parks on her own in short skirts. I often spend nights driving round looking for her.
My mum told me today she feels like killing herself as she cant cope anymore. I know my mum is scared of my sister and scared what will happe to my sister. My sister always threatens to hurt herself making things very tense around her.
I know there are many teens out there that are out of control so I need to know if anyone knows of any agencies that can help? My sister will NOT speak to anyone we have tried various counsellors, psycholigists etc. so I guess I want support for my mum this is killing her...
Thank you Mary x Ill check out the link and let you know what happens when my sister comes home.
I'm so sorry that your family is facing all of this.
Hello little angel. my heart goes out to you.
Just to ask....have you been in touch with your local Youth Offending Team? and why aren't Social Services interested? it sounds to me as if your mum may end up having to put your sister in care if she is this much out of control. What is so sad is that your sister will also be deeply unhappy and not sure of where to turn herself. I was just thinking that one of the main themes seems to be that your sister thinks she holds all the power with the threats she keeps issuing. Maybe the Youth Offending Team could work in a sterner way with her? And then once she has calmed down a bit...THEN she will be more willing to take the help you can see she so badly needs.
Hi littleangel,
How are things with you & yours?
Hi littleangel. Just seen and read your thread. So sorry your Mum is going through this. I don't have any answers, but thought along the same lines as Louise, that maybe your sister will have to go into care. As hard as that would be I'm sure, it could turn out to be the best possible thing for everyone concerned. If this did happen, then maybe your sister's problems could be sorted out. Really hope your Christmas went okay.
Hi Guys,
Thanks for the support x
Hope you all had a good xmas. Ours was suprisingly good. Little sis been on best behaviour so far (fingers crossed). Did a pregnancy test and she isnt pregnant so that is a relief - for now!
My mum has spoken about care but doesnt think she could go through with it and it isnt really what any of us want. I used to be very close with my little sis and it was nice hanging out with her over xmas.
My mum has re-booked her op and hopefully she will get to have it this time.... we just gonna play things by ear for now...
I'm glad you've had a good Christmas.
I really hope your sister keeps being good and calm - and I can imagine your relief...
Hi littleangel, your poor sister sounds as though she is fighting a lot of demons within herself.
Did you have a look at the article that Rudimentary Mary posted? Also I was wondering if you had the chance to talk to your mum about getting some support for herself?
I am glad that your sis has been on her best behaviour and long may it last. Is it possible this was because she wanted her Xmas pressies, or was she enjoying the family all being together and on good terms?
Hopefully her behaviour will continue in this vain, however you may also be interested in some support from Young Minds, they have some useful information and a great helpline too.
I've been in your mum's shoes.
What saved me was:
Contacting my local domestic abuse service, and agreeing to go into a refuge. Support staff gave me a clean, safe place, put me back together, helped me apply for benefits, talked to me to reassure me and boost my understanding and confidence, and were there to listen so I could cope with what I had to do the next day.
I stopped education welfare prosecuting me by providing copies of perscriptions for meds after my child's frequent visits to doctors. I explained she was suffering from ill health mentally and physically.
Suicide is not an answer. It may seem like the only escape route because you are so down.But have the strength to resist the temptation to destroy yourself!
What is needed is a good support worker! Anyone can ask their GP for a referral to get a support worker.
IF you then find the support worker is not doing their job, don't let things slide back cos you're depressed - complain to your GP and the service provider, and find another support service / worker.
Build a network of helpful people you can text / phone / emai...l day or night! Just knowing you have shared the problem, unburdens you. You don't have to follow all their advice. But often life-saving gems - the right words said to you - are found via friends / contacts.
I called the police when I was assaulted - my 15 year old was held in the cells to teach her a lesson. I did not press charges because I did not want her to be criminalised. (That can lead to an awful series of bad news for your kid). It took a while for her to learn she cannot hit people. She hit me 4 times after that. She gradually improved her behaviour and now handles her anger / explosive rages better because she has increased her reasoning skills.
I gave up with Childrens Services. They did not help my child! They did my head in. They were worse than useless. They failed to investigate, got crucial facts wrong, were neglectful, antagonistic (making everything worse!!!) They are expert dodgers. Social workers lied (to protect their own jobs). Utterly disgraceful! I made a series of complaints - and got nowhere!
My child still refuses to engage with professionals because she was repeatedly let down by teachers and social workers. I am still hearing the same excuse: "We can't force a child to talk to us." Surely if they are good at their job, the child would talk?
I have found salvation by sitting next to my child and whilst she watches TV and texts and watches videos on her mobile, I talk to her gently but assertively - imparting messages. i.e. Things I think she needs to know, to help her. A few days later, she always seems just a bit brighter! That is my reward. i.e. When she smiles nicely, that gives me HOPE.
Hi jillion, thank you for sharing your experience and explaining what helped you, i'm sure that others going through similair experiences will find it helpful.
How old is your daughter now?
My daughter is now 16 years old.
Hello jillion It sounds as if you have been through some really hard times but that things are calmer now. Well done to you for your patience and persistence.
As for young people not talking to the professionals, well that is something that can happen, I know as a counsellor that occasionally I have worked with a young person who just refuses to engage. My own view is that there is a large gap in service provision and that some young people would benefit from a much more hands-on mentoring scheme rather than being expected to engage, talk and reflect like an adult with social workers etc!
I think it is a shame the government puts so much faith in Childrens Services! If they are involved, the NSPCC wont get involved. The NSPCC will write a letter to Childrens Services advising them of their concerns for the child/ren, which spurs Childrens Services on a bit, but does not budge them.
If the social worker has got basic facts wrong, due to an inaccurate intial assessment, they stick to that, even if a Stage 3 Complaint is made. In court my child's social worker said emphatically there was no history of my ex abusing our daughter, and then she admitted she had not read previous social worker's reports, or seen correspondence from the Child Protection police!
I spent nearly 2 years fighting Childrens Services via the courts, trying to get effective protection for my daughter, and I failed! Because, as a result of my ex, I suffered from anxiety. That was used against me. Social workers etc colluded, the court failed to say anything about their obvious neglect - and so my daughter's suffering continued... causing all sorts of additional bad problems...
My daughter has been severly traumatised. I feel incredibly sorry for her. She has no trust left in professionals after they let her down so badly. She now takes out her stress on me. The slightest thing going wrong in her life, she hits rock bottom and talks about wanting to die. She has learnt to be as nasty and manipulative as my ex - she explodes in rages same as he does, she twists what she does so it becomes all my fault, she never accepts responsibility for her own actions. She seeks escapism from reality.
I see her at her worse - hasn't removed her make-up, black gunge under her eyes, her bad complexion showing through the concealer - she looks demonic / insane when she yells and babbles at me. She'll rant over and over: "shut up! I'm talking now!" I can't get a word in. Then in a frenzied state she'll attack me. She knows I don't fight back. I think she wants me to? It's as if she wants to see / know I am the real nasty one? I'm 58, I've never hit anyone in my life, and I certainly could not hit her. Apart from anything else she would kill me if I tried.
I have been advised to go back to domestic abuse services to try and enlist help. At the moment, due to her age, I am working with a Checkpoint advisor. But there is no official crisis telephone support in place, only the police who I don't like to call.
I wish the government would stop banging on about the need to save money because if they really wanted to help the public, they would understand the massive gaps in the so-called safety net, and fix them! "A stitch in time..." so the CHILDREN benefit.
At the moment the system is corrupt! There are far too many so-called professionals benefiting from not doing their jobs! Their attitude: "A child in need keeps me in a job" is DISGUSTING. It's our kid's heads that are being screwed-up, and their valuable lives.
My child was regarded by those who are well paid, but less-then-human, as if she is a piece of flotsam. A niggling number on a case-load who had to be got rid of! That's why she has these problems now.
Sorry, that was a rant. (Lot more steam where that came from).
What I'm trying to say is that Childrens Services are too powerful and inefficient, and they are not answerable to any body! My local council takes no notice even when justifiable complaints are upheld. They simply said "we disagree with the findings..."
Hello jillion it is fine if it helps you to let off steam
I totally agree about the gap in service provision and what those in power find it difficult to see is that money spent on prevention would save money in the long run as there would be far fewer bad situations developing...but it is all fire-fighting.
It sounds as if you have been left with more or less no support and whilst you love your daughter, being subjected to these angry outbursts is just unacceptable.
Have a look at the Young Minds website (click) which I hope will help you a bit. There is a Helpline as well.
Unfortunately the parents helpline at Young Minds has closed due to lack of funding.
I have just been told I cannot get therapy for anxiety because I am in living in a threatening situation. They will prescribe sedatives / tranquilisers / anti-depressants. To me that does not make sense. If my natural response to danger is fight or flight, and I need that to survive, "therefore it is pointless getting help to remove that feeling," why is it ok to for them to switch my brain off with chemicals?
Sorry to hear that the Youngminds parent line is no longer working, I can see why you may have been refused therapy, but your right it is a contradiction.
I was reading over your first thread and you mention a good support worker are you still in contact with this support worker?
I had good support when in the refuge. I would not have coped without their help.
My local town councillor was the only person who helped me when I left the refuge - she attended all the court hearings, sitting next to me but not allowed to speak - she got involved with Childrens Services, putting her body between me and social workers to stop me feeling intimidated and overwhelmed enabling me to attend those meetings - she was absolutely wonderful - even though she is very old, she also stood between me and my ex to protect me!
Victim Support were also helpful - they provided a safe space for us so we did not have to meet my ex in waiting rooms at the court/s.
My local mental health service appointed a Recovery person and she was very good, but she left and consequently I was without any support for over a year - and was recently discharged from that service, even though I am still waiting for therapy!
I see a support worker from Pluss once a fortnight for an hour - she helps me look for local voluntary work opportunities.
I also see "a listening person" once a fortnight for an hour - I can offload and relieve some of the pressure simply by talking about what has been happening. (She was appointed by Working Links).
A referral was done for me today back to my local Domestic Abuse service (but they have a long waiting list so I am not hopeful).
Another referral has been done today to the Vulnerable Adult service run by my local council. (I believe they help reinforce door locks etc, so I'm not hopeful of getting the right help from there either).
And I have today been given an emergency telephone number for the duty services. It is not rapid response. Apparently I can phone the police just to ask for help when my daughter loses control, and ask the duty service to attend because they have appropiate expertise - not to punish my daughter - but simply to make sure we are both safe.
Hi jillion, you do seem to have explored every avenue, it's important to keep doing that as one of the contacts might end up being really helpful. Very positive to hear that your town councillor helped you.
I was wondering how things are between you and your daughter in between the angry episodes, are you able to have pleasant times together, will she accept affection etc? Can you find things to praise about her?
The sad answer is, no.
For approx. one year she did not attend school - then she went to college a few days most weeks (on a Links course, not mainstream). That situ has caused considerable added stress.
She wont get up in the mornings and wants to spend all day and most of the night on her xbox, using livechat, or her mobile, very loudly - keeping other people awake!
Trying to speak with her is very difficult. She rudely blanks you. I often suggest doing things together - taking her out for a treat - and the few friends she has left have also tried to get her involved with good acivities that she should be interested in. But she wont go out unless she really has to, and then she lags behind pulling faces and behaving very badly in the street etc. She seems to think it is very funny to embarrass or shame people. I guess that's because of the internet - she spends a lot of time watching really perverse clips on youtube!
I have thought long and hard about confiscating her "toys" but I don't believe she would cope. She would go mad and probably kill me! That is what she threatens to do whenever she wants to put me off from trying to discipline her in any way! EG. if I say I will wake her up in the morning...
Hello jillion, thanks for sharing what is going on for you. It is absolutely unacceptable that you have to live like this. Two things occur to me...at the moment you are frightened of her and this enables her to hold the power and you to feel powerLESS. Secondly is there the chance of a CAMHS referral from your GP?
Regarding my first comment, it feels as if something needs to shift in the dynamics between the two of you. She sounds overwhelmed with the effect of the abuse and hits out at the only person she feels safe to hit out at: you. Ironically, she would actually feel "safer" if you held the power, much as she seems to kick against it. One thing you could start with is your relationship with her, not so much now but how things were when they were better...can you track this in your memory as to good times you spent together, things you laughed at, places you went? Can you mention these times, and be frank enough to say " I feel sad that we are not as close as we were, I love you so much, let's try and build things"? The alternative, as far as I see it is to up the ante and take control in a draconian way yourself and I do not think this would be effective from what you say as you have both been through so much. You have clearly done really well to get this far.
Thank you Louise for caring and offering good advice.
I was my daughter's full-time carer for 12 years. We did mainly did art projects together and baking. We rarely went out anywhere together - her dad was in charge of money (I didn't have any), he controlled spending, he organised trips out for only him and her), (he never took photos of me so she had no reminders of when I had been with her). He constantly belittled all I did in front of her.
(After having no doubt he was assaulting her physically behind my back) I eventually managed to get rid of him. But a month later, he snatched her (when she was 12). A long story. Then, some of the hardest things she had to cope with was:
a) he filled her, and other people's heads, with lies, to turn her against me, and isolate us both
b) He groomed her - enticed her with gifts = bribes, to stop her talking
c) He would not allow her to see me, or speak to me (but she was clever and she did manage to find ways to see me and tell me what he was doing to her).
d) he told her if she told anyone, she would not be believed, she would be blamed, taken away, treated as a mental patient and put away in a mental hospital. (She still really fears that will happen).
e) he destroyed her self-esteem (using verbal abuse i.e. rubbishing her) (she then became neurotic about her looks suffering a loss of identity).
I did my absolute best to get protection for her, but no-one in authority really believed me. They believed his lies, and supported him. That caused her to lose trust in those in authority, and feel very let down, angry and confused.
She now seems to be reacting scenes she endured with her dad - she suddenly flips / explodes in a mad rage - she becomes him (her face changes - she bullies and threatens the same way he does) (and she behaves the same way he does afterwards i.e. making-out nothing has happened, belittling her part, and saying that it was me who was the aggressor, not her - denying what she did and said. And when she suceeds in pulling the wool, she is elated / on a high - cackling loudly - enjoying herself, as if the situ is funny).
It is as if the years when she had to keep her mouth clamped shut, cause her to show me what she has had to live through. I have to take on her role, so I understand her what she suffered.
Also via her rages (which are hell'ish episodes with almost non-stop ranting) she seems to want to punish me I guess cos in part she blames me because in her eyes I failed to protect her (even though she wont listen to me everytime I tell her not to have anything to do with her dad). It is as if she hates me for spoiling their fun!
He is still grooming her! And still undermining, so when I try to help her he says or does something to confuse her again. This stirs her up, and this is how he gets his kicks.
(He ENJOYS doing this us! This is our punishment for "ruining his life" and leaving him).
Consequently, whenever I suggest we do something together, she says "nah!" unless I offer to take her shopping - and then she expects me to buy her anything she wants, as if I am him.
Ooh, I hope this answers you, and this is understandable to anyone else reading this!
Hi Jillion, LittleAngel and everyone.
I'm new, just joined. I could have written everyone of Jillion's comments here. Only its my 8 yo son... I am so overwhelmed at discovering that my intuition has been right all along. When I am more calm I will try to post more details. I am glad I found this forum. I need support. I came out of an extremely dangerous abusive situation, felt indebted to the 'strangers' who helped a foreign woman and her babies escape from hell as it were. The support has been tremendous except she now sees that her"s and her children's problems look good on their resume, Probably make for more funding, so every step she takes to set up boundaries for her out of control kids is frustrated by the supporting staff. Her authority is undermined at home and at the kid's schools all in the name of 'helping her' - and the kids behaviour worsens. Older son is trully turning into his father right before her eyes. Yet she is told its her destiny, and she should bear it cos he may change in future. She is constantly blamed for their shameful behaviour yet prevented from taking steps to reign them in. I feel you both LittleAngel and Jillion, I hope we get some respite soon.
Inori
Hi jillion, Louise has given you a great starting point with praising your daughter, i know her behaviour is difficult but what about praising her about something else like "you have such lovely hair" or when she is being somewhat pleasant praise her for it, and telling her about what she was like when she was younger is great for building those memories of when the two of you were together.
Inori Welcome along to One space,
It sounds like you too have had a really difficult time off it, do post your story when you feel up to it.
You say that your not getting along with the people that are supporting you, you can access support from other services.
Hello to you, too, Inori, you have really been through the mill and although you are seeing things through newly-opened eyes, it seems that you know what you are up against now.
Jillion thank you so much for explaining about your daughter. I understand now that her dad tried to alienate her from you and it must be horrifying for you to see her behave like him. I agree it is incongruous that he should continue to play a part in her life and she wants to see him...and the only explanation I have for that is that she may feel that if she "takes her eye off the ball" it would spiral even further out of control.
When I am helping parents of teenagers one thing I sometimes suggest that they listen to their own part in interraction with their teen as so often we as parents do nothing but carp at them (this is from when I accidentally recorded myself and heard what an awful voice I used to my son) HOWEVER in your case, although I appreciate that she is the aggressor, listen to yourself too. Do you stay calm? Do you raise your voice? Do you sound/act scared? reflecting on this will help you learn how to change. Why should you change when you are not in the wrong? Well whatever you have been doing has not alleviated matters so another way might be called for, that's all.
Another challenging question I want to ask you is why don't you just wash your hands of her and send her to live with her dad? I am guessing the answer is that you love her and you understand and appreciate that this is not her fault at all. Have you told her this? it's very hard to say I love you to someone who screams at you.
We are here for you, Jillion, you are going through such a nightmare with this and you need and deserve to be heard. Sending you a big hug this evening.
Wow! I am so grateful for the support on here.
My daughter was "living" with her dad (after he snatched her) but he got rid of her when he no longer needed to use her (to get housing).
She was shouted at (a lot) by her dad, and now waits to be shouted at before she will do anything. My head can't stand that! So I don't shout. I admit I have been too submissive. I am now trying to be assertive i.e. remaining calm and clear whilst consistently repeating the same message. But that is not working.
I can't chuck her out! I know she is suffering inside. I recognise the symptoms. Her coping mechanism differs to mine. She has learnt to be over-defensive and loudly vocal to try and stop the bullying. I get hurt and bewildered because the way she reacts to me when I am being nice, is an exaggerated response - not intended for me, but emotions built-up inside her - meant for her dad, which she could never show him because "he will hurt me 100 times more" (when in the past she had dared to show her true feelings / anger / resentment towards him).
If I did chuck her out, who would really help her then? What would happen to her? There is a real risk she would suffer more - sink further down - become yet more depressed and lost! I could not live with myself knowing I had let her down after she had turned to me for help.
For Inori: Hello.
I have experienced what you have said re: Support workers. Sometimes I have given my support worker more support than I get! For months, my mental health support worker talked about her marital / divorce problems instead of helping me. I know on one occasion she attended a court hearing not to assist me, but to gain experience.
re: Boundaries:
Family Intervention were called in (after I was assaulted 4 times) (and a referral done to them by Childrens Services). They described their service as "expert" but they reinforced my daughter's position, to try and win her confidence and approval, disregarding the fact that she is very manipulative. They undermined my position, by saying she could do things I had been saying she should not do EG. spend time in her bedroom alone with a local boy (who was in a gang that smokes & deals weed). My daughter then used these "experts" to get back at me (by lying about incidents); threatening to call them to falsely accuse me of hitting her whenever she could not get away with doing everything she wanted to EG. bring the gang in my house whilst I was out (to smoke & deal weed, and cause devastation).
In the end, when my daughter was 15, Family Intervention said they were removing her "to a place of safety" i.e. she was going to be put in foster care. Instead, approx. a week later, I found out she had been dumped at her boyfriend's parent's house, where she was living, and smoking weed!!! I said I wanted her to come back to live with me. Family Intervention said they would not allow that - the police would be called to remove her. So she then had to traipse between her boyfriend, my home, and her dad's, living out of carrier-bags for almost a year! (She then returned to live with me).
For Louise:
Thank you for the hug 
My daughter and I have one HUGE ADVANTAGE going for us. We do love each other, and we often tell each other that.
I often think she is TESTING me. It is as if she is pushing me to see if I will be abusive because then she will have proof I am the person to blame i.e. her dad is right.
It must be very hard for her to sort out all the conflicting information in her head. EG. She remembers how close we were, then all the lies her dad told her over and over again - his voice was the only voice - it is a very loud voice!
I refused to play his game. I would NOT stoop to his level (or join him in the black hole he is coming from). So I would not use her EG. take out my emotional baggage on her, play stupid mind games, or expect her to take sides etc. I stuck to facts and recited those when I felt she needed to know MY beliefs, to reinforce MORALITY and TRUTH (because by then she no longer knew what was right and wrong). I am still doing that. And I am winning, at last!
There have been IMPROVEMENTS in her behaviour. She has stopped smoking weed, and drinking. (My ex used to buy her alcohol!!!!) She has stopped stealing. She no longer demands all her friends must be allowed in when I am out. She has made other small changes too, confirming we are on the right track!
I just hope we manage to stabilise. That will only happen when the upsetting outbursts stop.
You have made some major steps with your daughter jillion and with time i would imagine that with you for a mum she will overcome the outbursts too.
Hi Jillion it is my day off from the boards today but I have popped on to say WELL DONE you! I was not suggesting for a moment you should chuck her out, just asking you to focus on the reasons you would NOT do this.
Keep up the good work, and I will talk to you at greater length tomorrow.
Hi again jillion,
How are you today?
I am pleased to hear that you are noticing improvements and that you and your daughter know you love each other and tell each other so. I am sure you are right about the dynamics that have gone on with her dad and her subsequent reactions and agree that Family Interventions undermining your reasonable requests was not helpful.
I just want to go back to the topic of praise, which was a thing we mentioned the other day. The "usual" recommendation would be to suggest you praise as much as you can about your daughter, especially ways she has behaved which have been good, so in your case it could be something like "It is so fantastic that you have given up smoking weed, I used to worry about you so much, I know things have been hard but you're doing great" HOWEVER, I reckon this type of praise comes with a health warning attached....some teens I have worked with deliberately baulk against this praise and it makes them want to be bad again. You will have to test the water gently to see if your daughter is one of these teens!
I was reading something this morning that I want to share with you. It said that when our teens are behaving badly it can be a real challenge for parents to find anything whatsoever to praise. It suggested that in that case, we praise something in the past, such as "Do you remember that day we went on the picnic? You made me laugh so much" or " You've always had such a brilliant imagination"
I am sure you are doing the right thing by being calm and firm but you do have to be FIRM and stick to your guns. Just one or two "family rules" could be a start, and they could be written out, things like treating each other with respect and everyone puts their own stuff away, are two good examples.
There is a lot more Sally and I can share with you but it's important not to overload things and take one step at a time
Hello again, and thank you again for your interest, encouragement and helpful comments! All very much appreciated
It is tough love. I do sing her praises but as you point out sometimes there seems almost nought to praise.
This week she has again refused to go to college (she only had to attend for one day this week). (I can't understand why the authorities are being so lackadaisical with her). She has stayed in her bedroom all day & night, venturing out only to make a coffee, or demand food is made for her; she has kept herself occupied playing 'Black Ops' online on her xbox till approx. 2am, keeping others awake - I've had to go into her bedroom up to 6 times asking her to stop making a noise - she ignores me and then yells at me to "get out" of her room. Her bedroom is in a terrible state - litter - empty drinks cans, cigarette butts thrown about. I usually grab the dirty pots and wash them. It breaks my heart to see her with nothing real to do, no interest in life - my beautiful daughter is rotting!
This week we have had a few arguments - she threw stuff, but has not attacked me physically this week. I again noticed how her behaviour deteriorated each time after she saw her dad.
As usual she has driven me to the edge of my sanity where all I can think about is how annoying she is! I am grizzly to the point of not feeling motherly. I have so felt so vexed and perplexed, that I have not been able to look at her, or treat her so kindly. That made her ask "what's wrong with you then?" She looked hurt. But after I explained why I feel cross, several times, she still shrugged off what I am saying.
I am seeing my GP tomorrow to ask how she can get help for "Avoidance Disorder" if she wont accept any help. (She wont go to the GP herself, she just pretends everything is fine, it's me that's the problem, not her).
Let us know how you get on with the GP, jillion. Teenagers do think they have the sole right to feelings and are amazed when we have them too. It feels to them as if we come from a different planet!
How often is she seeing her dad?
She sounds stuck in a cycle of misery and despair, and you're being sucked into it too. Somewhere, somehow, you need to find some iron strength to start putting one or two basic rules in place and to re-establish your authority. You can't go on as you are, and clearly your expectation that others will set boundaries (eg the college) is not bearing much fruit so in the end it comes down to Mum. Gosh it's tough but you MUST hold your nerve.
She sees her dad whenever she wants something or when she wants to go against me (knowing he will steam straight round here) (the more she and I don't get on, the happier he is).
The doctor said he would visit her at home to do a diagnosis but if she wont talk to him there is nothing he can do.
"Hold my nerve"? Unfortunately my nerves were shattered a few years ago. I am now sleep deprived after 4? weeks of tortuous nights listening to her incessant voice as she plays her noisey games not caring about the needs of other people.
Last night, as she laughed at me when I went into her room to ask her to be quiet for the 6th time at 4.15am, I cast my eyes around and saw the pig-sty she is "living" in - something snapped in my head - I realised we can't go on this way - I picked up one of her overflowing bins and threw the rubbish on her bed and told her she is behaving like rubbish. I high-tailed it back to my bedroom, locking my door. About 5 minutes later she tried to get in my room and thumped the door when she realised it was locked. She then went to sleep leaving me wide awake.
After a few hours sleep I made sunday lunch. Just before it was ready I asked her to get dressed. She refused. I told her kids are supposed to make their mums feel valued, not rubbished, and that I would not rat a dog the way she treats me. She went upstairs and I cried. Then she came down to eat having changed out of her pj's. When she finished eating, she went back upstairs - didn't offer to wash up, or even say thanks.
About an hour ago, something again snapped in my head. I think I have come to realise what is happening here and I have come to a decision.
I want my happy daughter back - that's my goal and motivation. But that has blinded me to the fact she does not actually care about me. She is merely using me to doss here because she has no money to go elsewhere. She resents me - hates me, blames me for everything. And there is nothing I can do to make her care because she is a sloppy angry person.
I don't want her to live with me any more.
I am sick of her throwing her weight around and having a go at me basically to shut me up, so I will too afraid to say anything to her so she can get away with what she wants to do! And me doing everything for her is not doing her a favour.
It is a sad situation. I gave her warnings but she chose to ignore them.
Hi jillion
It sounds as if you have come to the end of your tether after her behaviour this weekend. I'm sure that she does love you, she is just finding it as difficult as you to over come the abuse you have both suffered.
How are you feeling about things this morning?
My ex intervened - he talked to her - I wasn't there so I don't know what was said - she promised to behave and clean her room - but she threw her washing down the stairs and refused to move it off the stairs... her bedroom is disgusting again...
The support worker (from Checkpoint) once again has not done anything to help (promises to phone me not kept).
I searched on google for: xbox addiction
and found this: http://www.connectsafely.org/dont-just-take-away-the-xbox-psychiatrist/
it seems I'm dealing with a double whammy - a disturbed child + an addictive harmful coping mechanism! Argh!
I'm just going to carry-on taking every day as it comes - hoping for small steps towards a happier / more contented feeling within.
LOVE AND PEACE 
Hello again jillion, you cannot go on like this.You need to tell her that you will not tolerate this...and you need to MEAN IT.
Please phone the Checkpoint people again. Keeping on at people is exhausting but they promised to phone you and didn't.
I was looking into the Young Minds thing again, I know you said that it had closed down, in fact it looks as if the Live Chat service has closed down (that is group chat) HOWEVER, the Helpline itself where you phone them for individual help is still up and running. See this page for details, and give them a call.
I also think you need to have a chat with your GP about the effect on your own health-physical and mental-of everything that is going on; you should not have to be dealing with this level of stress.
OK, I will definitely try the Yound Minds Helpline. Thank you for that information.
My GP should be aware of effect this is having on me. I was diagnosed with "Post traumatic stress disorder / anxiety and depression- caused by domestic situation" 2.5 years ago.
That and the ongoing stress still causes physical problems - feeling sick every day, tension headaches / migraines, shaking (cos of too much adrenalin). I'm worst in the mornings - I wake up with a jolt thinking 'oh no I'm still here' then the shakes start and my mind runs through past events over and over as if I'm still trying to come to terms with all the terrible times. I get very nervous before I have to go out and have to do a lot of firm talking to myself so I get a grip.
I spent days crying last year, and that I believe caused a problem with my eyes - I fear I am going blind... I've seen specialists but got nowhere... my bones ache... so I'm currently having more blood tests...
I'm currently in the pipeline waiting for my referral back to the same mental health service that did almost nothing to help me for the past year.
I'm afraid this is very much a case of 'Pull Yourself Together, or, Go Under!'
I know which way I'm heading- I don't like it, but I don't seem able to stop the slide. Sorry to be negative.
My ex isolated me. Leaving him meant me then having to do years of solitary confinement. If I hadn't been so alone things would have been better. The lonliness eats me up sometimes - I spend more time worrying 'there must be something wrong with me!' than anything else!
One of the worse aspects is that my ex has caused me to fear and distrust men so I can't even look forward to starting a new relationship. There are just too many aspects that remind me of him...
Hi Jillion
I know it is difficult to be positive when you have gone through such an horrendous time and are still suffering the effects, but you have to stay strong and try to be assertive with the services that are supposed to be helping you. Be like a broken record and keep reminding them that you are still there waiting.
Do you have any family or friends that are supporting you?
I have no family, and 3 friends - we support each other - texting regularly.
I find when paid workers let me down (thereby letting my child down) that I become more depressed i.e. withdrawn, so I don't want to speak to them... I feel betrayed. They make it seem they are doing their job, completing their paper-work to their satisfaction etc., and when I questioned them they have their excuses - "had to go to an emergency," "could only concentrate on emergencies" are the usual ones they gaily trot out... The line my worker at Checkpoint has opted to use is "call the emergency service." I would do that if it was an emergency but mostly the aggro is border-line, and a bit of support and considered advice would go a long way towards easing tensions enabling emergencies to be avoided.
I am glad to hear that you have the support of your three friends
You say your GP is very well aware of where things have left you but I was thinking you sounded so low the other day that you needed to be checking in with them if you do not have a regular appointment schedule.
Let us know how you get on with the Young Minds helpline and hope your weekend will be calmer.
No-one has mentioned "regular appointment schedule" or check in with them, to me before. Didn't know is available, and doubt my GP's surgery offer - is a busy practice with many patients who appear to be more poorly than I am...
Hi Jillion, as Louise has said you should be getting regular appointments with your GP, if the checkpoint service that you are currently involved with are not working for you is it possible to ask for a referral somewhere else?
Hi littleangel,
Don't apologise, it sounds like you really needed to get all that out and heard.
What a series of difficult situations for your family to deal with. I understand your concern for your mum but I also hear the fears you have for your sister too, despite all the pain she's causing.
As you say your sister won't engage with any of the speaking therapies, that makes the situation even harder. On a brief search, I came across this which I thought might be of use to you. I noticed that there is a link for finding further help within it, so I hope that it may prove useful.
Perhaps your mum might consider talking to a counsellor - not because I think she has issues, you understand, but to feel heard and understood regarding your sister's troubling way of behaving.
I hope your sister makes it home ok. Do keep in touch and let us know how things are going, won't you.