This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi,
When I first speparated from my ex he would have the girls on a regular basis. The dates would be on the callender and everyone would know what was happening.
However over the past year things have changed. My ex changed his job and now has an irregular working pattern so we never know when he will be having them. Also he seems to be having them less frequently and for shorter periods of time.
This is upseting the girls a lot. Things all came to a head yesterday when he arranged to see them. He said he would have them at 3 but as he had the day off and they were off school they wanted him to pick them up earlier. We tried to contact him but he didn't return our messages.
He picked them up at 3 as he said. They questioned him about why he couldn't have them for the day but they said he dodged the questions and kept changing the subject. He then brought them home early and wouldn't give them their evening meal.
They feel very rejected by him. Yesterday I had lots of tears from my eldest and bad behaviour from my youngest as they try to deal with their feelings. They have asked me to help them by speaking to him for them but I am not sure if I should. However I hate seeing them so upset.
Should I get involved....?
Thanks Anna,
My gut instinct is to keep out but my heart wants to protect the girls from the hurt that I think will come of all this.
They are reluctant to speak to him themselves as they are concerned he will be angry with them. Its such a shame as I used to feel like that when we were married. Always afraid to provoke his anger. I also had a similar disfunctional relationship with my dad so I am very aware of how these things follow us into our adult life.
I want the girls to learn that it is ok to talk about their feelings with their dad. I don't want them to end up in relationship in the future and not want to talk about how they feel, or be afraid of what might happen.
I suppose I have answered my own question. Maybe a familly meeting tonight to talk it through will help the 3 of us decide the best way forward.
Good luck with the family meeting pq.
I'm afraid I never did come up with a solution.
That sounds good, pq, let us know how it goes. The idea of a letter to him from the girls expressing their feelings and saying what they would like to happen sounds a very positive one.
Thanks, I'll let you know what happens.
Hi pq, I completely understand you wanting to protect your girls from the hurt, but there is a part of me that feels furious for you that they have to tip toe around him. If he hurts them, then they will learn more about his personality, if you protect them and they don't speak up they learn how to be submissive.
Did you have the meeting?
Hi Anna,
I agree, its the trap I fell into so I'm very aware.
We had the meeting last night and I've asked them to draw up a list. We're going to meet again tonight to go through it and pull together something they can take to him. They seem quite happy with this plan so far. They're going to see him on thursday so it might be an opportunity for them to talk things through with him.
Thanks for your help and support
Fingers crossed that it all goes well for the girls PQ, do keep us updated on how it goes! 
That sounds great pq, try and keep as much as a back seat as possible with it all, so that there is no hint that you have steered it in any way. If your ex decides that this is the case, the girls need to know that it really isn't that it was all their doing.
Just realised your post was yesterday! How did it go?
Unfortunately the girls decided they didn't want to write their dad a letter as they're worried it will make him angry. So we talked about the lists they made and the things they want from their dad.
A managed to talk to him on the phone this week and he agreed to have them until 8 o'clock last night but he wouldn't take them during the day even though he had the day off. he told her he had to do his share of the chores at home on his day off which was why he couldn't have them, sounds like a poor excuse to me, but I didn't comment and just listened.
It breaks my heart 
Hi pq, that does sound frustrating. Understandable that it is his day off and he has chores to do, but I'm not really understanding why they couldn't be with him. Many hands make light work and all that.
We all know it is easier if the kids aren't around so we can get on with the clearning etc without them, but for us it just isn't an option is it! Our children need to be around their parents when they are being boring and doing monotonous jobs as well as all the fun and games that we provide!
I find it really difficult as I know he makes time to go to the pub and play golf but he won't make time for his children. Makes me so mad....
Yes, I would be furious, especialy as it is hurtful for the girls. Unfortunately, as we have said on here before, there is a mechanism whereby a parent without day to day care can take a court action to obtain defined contact, the other way round does not exist ie you can't take an action forcing him to see them, or see them a certain amount.
I suppose one of the things I have always thought is "well I am there to catch them when they realise how much he has let them down" and maybe that is something you will need to do too?
Thanks Louise. I guess that's how this post started. The girls asking for my help, but all I can realistically do is be there for them when they are hurting.
Big HUG, pq
Hugs from me too...
Thank you ladies xx
Well the backlash of last week has finally materialized! My ex asked at the begining of the week, to see the girls today but he wouldn't tell me what time he was going to pick up or drop off. I text him 3 times during the week and he has either ignored me or sent me abusive texts. In the end H text him last night and he responded straight away with the times!!
Do you think the time has come to step back completely and get him to make his arrangements with the girls directly? This was suggested to me in another thread and I wasn't sure the girls would want to do it, but I think his issue with me is getting in the way.
It sounds like a good idea, as he is not responding to you but does respond straight away to H, but check first if he is keeping time to the times he has given now as he has not been very reliable and if he keeps to it, you might ask the girls how they feel about it to try it ?
Really feel for you PQ, a very difficult situation
Hi pq, it can feel so disrespectful that they can't make arrangements via us, but as always, we are the ones that have to rise above it. I think Skyflower makes a good suggestion of asking the girls how they feel about that. At the same time you could gently request that they keep you in the loop at all times as that has been part of the problem here.
If the girls are happy to sort out the times (and their dad may well be doing this to try and cut you out of the loop) then may I suggest one of those little wipe clean boards, hung in the kitchen or somewhere suitable, and encourage the girls to write agreed contact times on there (so you can see it and check it is OK with their other commitments but also to show them that the three of you are open with things)?
Hi, thanks for your comments.
I have had a chat with the girls. They said they were happy with me stepping back but want me to 'help' them. Not sure what that means exctly but we'll work it out. The white board sounds like a good idea Louise. I've decided to get through the holidays first. Once H goes up to secondary school things will be different anyway as they will both be coming and going from the house without my help and it will be easier for them to make their arrangements with him themselves.
A caught me by surprise with one of her comments. She said she thinks that he verbally abuses me and that he is a bully....just shows how much they know even when you try hard to keep it all from them.
He text me last night to say he wants to see the girls this thursday. Again no mention of times. I've just said yes and left it at that. All this game playing is tiring.
Hi pq, it does sound as though the girls know your ex more than we realised! I imagine them wanting 'help' from you, will be about being assertive, getting their voices heard and coping with any fall out, the usual!!
So when will the new system take place, of him contacting the girls rather than you? Will it be A that he communicates with or do you think he will be in contact with them both?
I am wondering if they have smart phones? If so they could create a group message (whatsapp) where they can all communicate together rather than A having to central point of contact.
Thanks Anna,
I'll speak to the girls again this week and we'll come up with a plan which we can put to him. The group text thing sounds good. They expressed a worry however that they don't always check thier phones so might miss his texts. Not sure how to get round that one.
Is this the right thing to be doing?
It sounds as though the girls seem pretty happy with the idea, I think my one concern was that it might become a pressure on your eldest, especially if he is only communicating with her. Or if he wants to visit and they are busy, but he won't take No for an answer, but you can deal with that if it arises. No point in thinking on it too much, it is what it is and it can always be changed if the girls aren't happy with it.
With regards to them missing texts, perhaps they can tell their dad that they don't check their phones regularly and can ask him to text or call them on a specific day? It is a shame they are worrying about it, before it has even begun, perhaps just make it as light of it all and then deal with things if they arise. (Any normal person would call the house phone or you if they haven't got through on a mobile)
Thanks Anna,
We'll see how it goes...of course all this is assuming he agrees!
After another sarcastic text from my ex about not communicating with him I have suggested he makes his arrangement with the girls directly in future. This went down like a lead balloon. He has demanded that from now on I have to inform him of all our movements, he wants to know where we are and who we're with as its his right to know these things! 
God what an awful man. You have a right to your privacy and he only has a right to know how your children are doing, if they are healthy or need appointments with Gp or dentist, how they do in school/work and their regular activities. He has no right to your every minute schedule....Poor you.
Please ignore his texts but keep them PQ. so far you have done everything and more for him from a legal perspective. Just carry on as you have done, without giving him more control. Just what by law he is entitled to
Thanks Skyflower. He often makes these outlandish comments when he is angry so I'm hoping this will blow over. Its ironic that he keeps his living arrangements top secret, even though he takes the girls there, I wonder about my rights??
He is stepping on your rights. You are entitled to his address by law. Especially as he brings the girls there, in case of emergencies. I am so glad you divorced him, what a horrible man, but unfortunately you still have to partially deal with him.
so sorry you have to go through this xx
Hi pq, I think what is interesting is that you mention that he often makes these kind of comments and then it blows over. Of course it knocks you for six (although you do kind of get used to it over the years!) and you wonder how you can make the situation better.
It sounds as though he is trying to take control of a situation he feels completely out of control of.
I am not sure about the law and you knowing where he is taking the girls as he does have parental responsibility, however you don't need to play a tit for tat game. Will you just carry on as normal, or do you intend to keep him more informed?
Little point to make, if he kept in close contact with his daughters he wouldn't need to be told by you.......just saying!
Thanks Anna,
I'm not a tit for tat kind of person. I'll just carry on as usual and wait for the next onslaught. Your point about him keeping in touch with the girls himself made me laugh, the last time I suggested he do this his response was he told me not to try and put it on to him as he had too much to do!!? Obviously my time isn't as important as his.
When he flares up like this it still knocks me a bit, makes me feel sick and anxious. Thankfully these feelings don't last as long as they used to, I already feel much better
It's weird, isn't it, is that we can live our lives perfectly successfully for years and yet an ex knows just what buttons to press...and our feelings flood back just the same as if it were yesterday. I think it is one of those situations where "you can't change a person's behaviour, only your own reaction to it", so how about making a strategy plan at a time when you feel OK so you can decide the NEXT time he does something and you sense those feelings starting, you have an alternative plan? It could be something as simple as giving yourself a specific treat or it could be a special poem you read to boost yourself or a piece of music that can become your anthem.
Click here to see an image I find inspirational
He is a plonker pq...
As you know, The Git only bothers seeing this lot a couple of times a year and still caused mega waves.
I'm sorry he feels the need to do this.
Hi pq, its so horrible when we see our children let down by their other parent, especially as we don't have the answers. I hope this isn't being too waring on you.
A friend said to me years ago that she tried to always keep the peace/happiness between her 7 year old daughter and her partner (they are still together), until she learnt that it is 'their' relationship and whatever unfolds shouldn't be any of her doing. They had to learn about each other without the thoughts or interceptions from her. I thought this was really interesting because as they were together I kind of thought it was her duty, however in reality it isn't because we are only seeing things from our own perspective and they had to battle their stuff out without a third party interjecting. I think her daughter and her partner now have a much better understanding of each other.
I am wondering whether you could encourage your girls to write a list together, of all the things that they want of their dad, being as imaginative as they like. Then they could put together a realistic list and post it to him with both their names on.
You can support them with this, but keep a back seat.
Then they have said their peace and it is up to him to respond as he wishes. This might not be how the girls wish, but at least they would know what he is prepared or not prepared to do.
Of course it will be you who deals with the fallout/aftermath, but it does mean they will know first hand where they stand.
In answer to your question about whether you should get involved, what does is your gut instinct?