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I met a girl 9 months ago. Everything went too fast and we had our ups and downs and that's an understatement. She got pregnant but she had a miscarriage. She does not like my parents and they don't like her. She left me a couple of times because she was angry or insecure... Anyway, I always went after her and she always came back. We do love eachother. We decided to get married but 1 day before the wedding she left me, again. Insecurity. Despite of this we got back together. I gave her another chance. She's not a bad person. On the contrary: she loves me very much, she knew she made a mistake, she was crying, we even went to see a shrink and he confirmed she left because of insecurity. I can honestly say the insecurity is now gone and that she has 'matured'. But then last week we decided to tell my parents we're back together. They didn't know yet. She wanted to be there when I told them. I told her no. I want to talk to them first. I know how to bring it, I know my parents best. She insisted. Me, too. I raised my voice. She packed her bags and left the next morning. Again... History repeats itself.
But this time it wasn't insecurity. She's rather dominant. She wants things to go her way or she'll get angry. Very angry. And I'm not the type of person one can dominate. I don't need that. But on the other side she's a great person, we have the best of times, I love her. My question is simply: what should I do? Should I give her another chance (again!) or just move on? My heart says stay, my brain is typing this message. I can be very happy with her but I know it's going to happen again in the future (she being angry, maybe even leaving). So what do I do?
Hi William
Personally, I would listen to your brain. I wish I'd listened to mine a few times (hindsight is a wonderful thing mind...)
Best wishes
Hi William. Can I just say, I've been reading some of your answers to other posts, and you sound so sure in what you've been telling others. You sound quite confident too. Why didn't you tell your parents you were still together? You could have done this on your own, considering how they feel about your girlfriend! Maybe you could have smoothed the way, so to speak. From experience, backing out before my wedding day wasn't down to insecurity, but other factors. Perhaps this is the case with your ex/girlfriend. I too got back with my fiance, but eventually split up. I'd say leave her be, and if she wants you, she will be in touch. If you know it is going to happen again in the future, why would you set yourself up for more heartache! Just my opinion of course
Hello William
Just my opinion but if your brain is saying move on then go with it yes you may love her and your heart hurts but with time you will heal and there are millions of other women out there who would suit you better.
Can you see a future with her and is it a relationship you can see going the distance.
I was madly in love with my childrens mother at the time of her adultery and split you carnt turn your feeling off overnight but with time and seeing my ex in her true colours its changed my view of her and those feeling died.
I would not give up my family for any woman and you deserve to be happy and settle for nothing than the best.
Maybe i am reading to much into it but it sound like if your g/f dont get her own way its stamp my feet and walk away and you go running after her sorry if i am out of order in saying it.
As i said thats my opinion at the end of the day fella its your life and your choice.You live and learn.
Stuart best of luck.
Hi Louise,
- Thank you for the 2 links.
- I've made an appointment with a counsellor (just me) in 2 weeks.
- No, I'm not a parent. I did not know it was for parents only. If I'm not allowed to post here it's OK, you can just delete it.
Hi sparklinglime,
- Well, to be honest, when it comes to listening to your mind or to your heart, the mind is always right. Damn, I didn't wanna say that. But it's true looking at past experience...
Hi alisoncam,
- It's easier to look at someone else's situation and comment. When you're in the same situation yourself you're blinded by... love?
- When she backed out a day before the wedding I'm pretty sure it was insecurity: we went to a psychologist afterwards and he was the one who said it was her insecurity.
- I did leave her be twice, she always came back. And I wanted her back.
- I'm not sure it will happen again in the future, it's just something that might happen, something I fear, I guesss...
Hi stuart,
- Yes, I do see a future with her. I think she came a long way meaning if she was insecure, she has changed. She's not insecure anymore. I didn't force her, she just changed because she saw there was no reason to be insecure when she was around me. One down, one to go. Now we have to work on that temper. I'll talk to her about it.
I spoke to family and friends the past couple of days. Someone told me I was wrong: we decided to tell my parents we're back together and she wanted to be there and I didn't like that idea. Someone told me: she's right, if I were your girlfriend I would want to be there, too. Maybe she has a point. Maybe I overreacted. Still, that is no reason to run away. I'm just saying there's always 2 sides to a story. The way I experienced it was true for me, the way she experienced it was true for her. She overreacted but no need to dump someone for overreacting, right?
confused
William,
Can I just say this. People don't change, not significantly, think about yourself and what you like to do and how you react to situations, they are probably not that different to when you were younger. The point is, your girlfriend does have issues and she is unlikely to change, she uses her insecurity to gain power in relationships. When she does not get her way she will always threaten to leave. You are not a parent yet, but if/when you are, could you cope with a wife who has this hold on you.
I was in a relationship where I was taken for granted and got walked all over, in the end we split and a year or so later we bumped into each other we met for coffee and I could see that nothing had changed. She tried to get back with me even though she was married, I had to physically remove her from me the last time I saw her. She regretted us splitting, but I did not, I could see that history would repeat itself if I was back with her and I had moved so far on that I simply was not interested
Be a good person but remember your own intrinsic value. If you are decent and someone can not appreciate it, don't give them a second chance the will only waste it.
Good luck
William,
Your story mirrors mine in many ways. I haven't read any of your replies but for what it's worth this is what I think. It sounds like she is scared of commitment, not only to take that final step with you but to try to find a way of resolving conflict without an all or nothing approach. When you've been abused in a previous relationship, and that could be something very subtle and subconscious, it's very difficult to let go again. It sounds like she is growing all the time and I reckon if you persevere, she'll probably learn to be less independent and more reliant upon you. This happened to me 15-times in 2-years. Every time she deflected the blame from herself by blaming me but it all boiled down to the same thing, a fear of being where she was; controlled with no identity and low self-esteem. My ex was a fabulous and beautiful women but sadly for us we couldn't get over it. She wasn't the sort of person to inwardly analyse her behaviour and to develop emotionally so for us, eventually, it was the end. Ultimately, finding someone truly special is very rare and if you love her, do all you can to hang on. Life can be hard and long but it's a damn site harder and longer on your own. If you think she is evolving, however slowly that's happening then stay with her, if not for your relationship then for your own peace of mind knowing that you gave it everything.
i have been with my current partner for just over 15 years, for the most part we have got on with each other for most of that time, because i always back off any arguements with him, because he has anger management problems, which he refused to acknowledge!! he is always right and shouts me down and then accuses me of starting any arguements! by repeating the words that i have took offence too and accusing me of starting any arguement when i point out that it is not what you say to me sometimes, it is the way you say it to me as you are aaggressive towards me. well todays minor tiff has turned into quite an arguement, same thing asking what he would like with dinner and the same stock SURLY reply i dont care, when i told him he was hard work at times, he flew right off the handle and accussed me of "starting", i tried to stand my ground with him, only to be manhandled (very firmly) and pushed away from him, his face was set in a very aggressive frightening way, i am at my wits end right now, because this is how he is now when i challange his attitude and behaviour, what is coming next!! i really do not know what to do because i do love him dearly but cannot put up with this any longer, he also talks to me like i am an inferior to him, and he also talks to others in the same way, if he is in a mood, but he refuses to accept that he is a problem, it is always "not his fault" what on earth to i go to from here, i do not want to involve family or friends, its not fair to put anyone in the position of taking sides
Hello rea
How old are your children? You don't mention them or if they are living with you.
You're right, it is unacceptable to live like this. As a first step, look at our free online Freedom Programme which is designed to help people who have been in abusive relationships, to see the signs and to move forward with thieir lives. You can also talk to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247
I understand what you are saying about family and friends and The Freedom Programme will also help you have the confidence to speak out to them. One of the most difficult aspects of emerging from an abusive relationship is that others do not always realise how tough it has been...although you say he also gets very angry with other people so maybe some of them have seen that side to him.
Hi Rea,
My ex always blamed me for his bad behaviour, even if I wasn't there!! Its only now as I look back, with the help of the freedom programme Louise has suggested, that I am begining to see it all for what it was....abuse!!
I too would shy away from confrontation with him because he would make me feel inferior, or like it was my fault, I thought I was being a good wife by keeping the peace.
One day I realised how unhappy I was, I tried to instill some changes with him, we went to relate etc, but I realised that he was never going to change. I then new that I had to make the changes in my life and end it all. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am now over a year on and although being a single parent is a struggle I know it was the right decision.
I guess what I am trying to say is we all have our own journerys to make, if yours isn't going in the right way you have the power to change it if you want.
Hi William,
My advice is to really sit down and think about what you want your life to be like in the long term. Do you want to be with someone who throws their toys around and sulks every time they don't get their own way? Or do you want to be with someone who is able to see your needs as equal to their own? Do you want life to be as carefree as possible or do you want to spend it proving to your partner that they should trust you/want to be with you etc etc. My ex used to break up with me every time I expresses a need of my own and I'd go running after him every time - I was pregnant with his child and I can't count the number of times he told me it wasn't his. I even started to think maybe I'd cheated on him and blocked it out of my memory.
Ending the relationship is perhaps the ultimate control someone can take and of course we all have the right to take that control if we decide that we don't want to be in that relationship. However, it is NOT ok to use the potential or actual break up of the relationship to manipulate the other person to coming round to your way of thinking - which is what my ex did to me and what it sounds like your partner is doing to you.
You do sound quite self assured. I'm sure I did (in some ways) at the beginning of my relationship with my ex. But in a sense, he used that against me because I knew I was a nice person/trustworthy/faithful and I believed that by being reasonable/humble/conciliatory that he would eventually see that I was ok. In the end he destroyed my whole personality and ended up on a therapist's couch telling her what he thought of me for 8 weeks!
This mistake I made and continued to make over the last 4 years (we've been apart for 4 years now but as we have a child contact has continued) is behaving as if I'm dealing with a reasonable person. Which I'm not. Interestingly, I haven't heard from him since I actually set some boundaries and said he couldn't just waltz in and out of our lives as he pleased and stopped accepting that it was all my fault.
And finally, "working" on her temper is perhaps something she should be doing herself. Let her be responsible for her own behaviour and the inevitable consequences that leads to.
I'm pleased to say that I'm now in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and when I met him, it felt like falling asleep. It's easy and fair and he cares about how I feel and what I think and it's not that he just bends to my will and of course we argue sometimes, but there is a mutual respect for each other's needs and personalities and a security that I never experienced before. He doesn't play mind games.
I sounds like some therapy for both of you independently is a good idea, but rather than being to construct a relationship between you, it sounds like you both need to focus on your issues and look at why you would consider putting up with someone who seems to use her "commitment" to you as a tool to manipulate you. Sorry if that's out of line.
Hi EmmaJ, brilliant post, thank you!
Hi William
I just said hello to you on the other thread as well!
It sounds as if your brain knows what to do but your heart finds it hard to accept. You could benefit from talking it through with a counsellor (privately) or you could go to Relate (see here). Online, for the two of you, there is something called The Couple Connection here
This site is designed and funded to give help and information to single parents; you do not mention this and I would like to ask if you are a single parent yourself?