Shy daughter no friends

Hello Ayehque

I have just been saying hello to you on the other thread and I see you have talked more here about your situation so I wonder if we can give some help and support?

You talk about a pattern..you are shy, so is your elder daughter and you see your younger daughter following the same path. It's certainly true that our children will take their cue from us but what you say about the other families around you makes me think no wonder you feel shy! I have been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, where you know the parent has said something derogatory in front of their child and the child (nastily) repeats it to your child. Whilst I always thought to myself "hmm, they are not bringing up their child to have decent values" I never felt able to confront the parents directly. With this, it is a case of holding your head high, you are doing what they have never, ever, imagined...you escaped from a violent relationship and you started from scratch in an entirely new location. Good for you! I do think the most effective way of dealing with this would BE to speak to the parents, but I so understand why you would not want to do this, as I was in the same position myself. I guess another way to look at these people is to say to yourself "Do you know what? They are so not the sort of people that I want us to  be friends with anyway" However, if you think the remarks are developing into verbal bullying then it's important to speak with the school so they can clamp down on this.

Ok so let us look at what practical steps you can now take. I can see from what you have written that you know boosting your daughter's confidence is the key. Most teens go through the stage your daughter is at, that's the first thing to say, and whilst it is upsetting to hear your daughter crying, it IS normal. Don't you remember doing this yourself? Secondly, she has a couple of friends but not close, so how about building on these friendships? They don't invite her, so she needs to invite them. Could you have a little event at your home? How about a cinema trip for them....instigated by your daughter. Thirdly, it is about finding an activity that interests her. This does not have to mean spending a load of money, nor does it mean that you have to stick to more mainstream things. There will be literally scores of things going on, special interest groups and clubs, places where she could volunteer, what about your local church? Go and ask at your local library. Your daughter may like art, animals, cooking, music, sports, history,chess...find a group. It is about YOU making friends too, read this article (click) about making new friends, you have been in this area for ten years now so you know your way around. Do you drive? that will give you access to a load more opportunities. Make this a plan of campaign; it will not happen overnight, it is something that takes several months to change.

What I am saying is two things: we can't solve things for them but on the other hand it is up to you as a parent to create the environment where they CAN start to solve things for themselves, in however limited a capacity. I wonder if there is a young person's counselling service near you where your daughter could also get a bit of help and support? Ask at the school initially as they may have connections with a local service or even a counsellor who comes into school.

At the same time as all this, here is something really important: have fun together as a family! One of the things that will really help her is having that to boost her up. What do you do together, do you play games, cook and eat together, have special evenings, maybe a girly pamper evening?

Load of ideas here, Ayehque....over to you