Hello!
I'm a single mum to A, 7 (going on 17 
) and although I have a very supportive family - & friends for that matter - it doesn't stop being a lone parent hard, does it?
I've just started a new relationship (with someone I originally met 21 years ago!). P is really good with A, but I'm the first woman he has dated with a child and he struggles with saying 'no' to her, which can make my role difficult (no one likes being the wicked witch, but I'm a stickler for boundaries!) Does any one have any experience or guidance with regards to this?
Also, I'm finding myself all too ready to throw in the towel with P at the slightest glitch & I have no doubt that this is due to my previous relationships & my subsequent resistance to being hurt/my daughter being caught in the cross fire again. Don't read me wrong, I adore the man but things are not easy for him either at present (problems with where he's living mean he's at my flat all the time - which doesn't help & I have repeatedly told him as much - the temping work he was doing has dried up, plus there's an issue with his bank account as I type) & I just find myself losing my patience with him. What to do?!
northernbird
Hello northernbird
Maybe your bf is trying to do to much and show hes mr perfect if you have had pervious bad experiences with men,smother you into another full on relationship and sees you as vunerable.
With you at this stage of your life you may need a little space to breath and take care of yourself and daughter.
Yes we all get lonely and can find someone if you wish to spend time with but theres got to be boundries,and you may need time to gain the trust an belief in men again.
Hello northernbird
Welcome to One Space! Good to see you here
I will give you my immediate reaction to this. If P is finding it hard to say no to your daughter it means that in a way he allies himself with her and you are the "parent" of the household. Now I am sure you would not want him to be dishing out discipline to her left, right and centre but you are entitled to ask him to support and back up your parental decisions. I suggest you have a chat with him about this.
If he is there all the time, this can be a really hard thing to get used to as well and I think he needs to look at other options so that you both get a bit of space- even if this is just staying with a mate once a week. His financial problems are not yours. You talked on another section of the board about having to be a mum to an ex-partner and that might be something to consider:whether you are slipping into this with P or, alternatively, whether it is the fear of that which is the real problem....and that links in with you being the parent of the household as well, with the discipline.
Hope that has given you a bit of food for thought.
Hello from me too.
Hi northernbird, welcome along, your post is really interesting as I think new relationships can be an absolute minefield especially when there are children to consider and we are not as free to make mistakes!
Ultimately you and your daughter come first. You need to set those boundaries in place with him. Whatever doesn't get set in stone now at the very beginning of the relationship will be the issues that continue throughout. It sounds as though you really like him, however, you must put your foot down. You need him to stand on his own two feet and support you, you have been through enough.
I think when you have been through a break up with children involved it is the easiest option to throw in the towel. You have learnt how to deal with pain and you know that you can cope.
However a positive, fruitful relationship is about you speaking your concerns and them getting heard. Do you fear he won't listen, that it won't make any difference?
We often find it hard to ask for what we want, but if this is a good guy, he will take on board what you say and may well surprise you and either apologise, or try and work with you to secure the relationship and make you happy.
If, once you have spoken your truth, you get nothing back, he's is not the one for you. It is a challenge! Will you dare to take it??
Hi northernbird. Welcome to One Space. Even if you have support from friends and family, no, it doesn't stop single parenthood being hard, but I guess, if you have support, then you've always got someone to either take them off your hands for a few hours or so, which can help (our sanity)hehe.
As for the boyfriend and his reluctance to say no to your daughter. This is all very new to him, so he's probably walking on egg-shells at the moment. I know you say you've known him for years, but it's gone from friendship to boyfriend, so he's treading carefully. I've not been in a situation with relationships and my 8 year old, but I'm sure I would loathe it if a potential partner was reprimanding my son. Guess partners can't win really, lol.
As for chucking in the towel with him, he seems to be having some problems of his own at the moment, and maybe just the amount of time he is spending with you can be making you a bit claustiphobic, plus his worries on top of your own. Perhaps cut down on the number of times he calls round, or the length of time he is at your flat.
Please keep posting, as others will be along at some point, who can perhaps guide you in the right direction. I look forward to 'chatting'