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I feel so broken, incredibly broken. For so long I have fought for my children, to keep them safe, being accused of parental alienation, factitious illness, borderline syndrome...all done by them to make my children visit their abuser. Finally the case was closed after the second round of social services having to make a section 37 report, the judge wanting my children into care. It was to teach me a lesson, as the judge wanted my children to visit their sociopathic father.
And because I didn't make them go, the judge wanted my children into care. Their guardian wanted my children into care. When then they called social services again and wanted a manager, who wrote a second section 37 report, he, my ex, looked so bad, that he withdrew the application and the judge, after 3 years of procedures Private Law, had no choice but to give me full custody.
I did get the passports back of the children and it was the Mackenziefriend of the MP that explained to me that I should still fight the ruling of the judge of the Fact and Find hearing, because now there was more evidence and otherwise the case could restart again any time. My own solicitors had sided with my ex as they would get paid no matter what. It has costed me 80.000 pounds. In 3 years time.
Yesterday the guardian came to our house. I had bought it in order to be able to keep the children. She wanted to see each child seperately, and read a letter written to them from their father. So I left the youngest and brought the eldest upstairs. within a short time the eldest was requested and then it was my turn to speak with the guardian.
She told me it had been a pleasure to work with me and sometimes it had to take its course but it was all closed now and was I settled in.......I could not believe it. this woman, for 3 years had been siding with my abusive ex, and had wanted a new FOF hearing to prove I was alienating the children whilst she knew better, saying in court she wanted my children into care, now saying it was a pleasure having worked with me.
She left in a very short space of time, not caring about the emotional health of my children or me, explaining it was very unlikely the case would re open, said goodbye and when she left, I could not stop crying. that night, I had both children again in my bedroom, so scared with nightmares.....how can this kind of abuse be legal ? When does it stop. ?
You are right Louise, I did not realise how angry I actually am and every time I think I finally made some progress, my power is taken away again and hurt inflicted. They hurt my boys and I cannot protect them, I have to watch what they do to them.
It also frightens me so much when they pop up again, and my words and decisions are fear based until all is over, and I have to pick up the pieces until next time.
I think I cry so much because it makes me feel so very ill and broken, as if I cannot mend anymore, it makes me feel mentally ill and unable to recover, it makes me hate this Country and I cry because they have taken my choices away and my country. I did not feel relieved as I still have to write reports, make pictures and endure nasty e-mails but you are so right that I have achieved safety for my children and I should feel so proud of what I have achieved.
Thank you for pointing out that I am so much more free now and can live well. A week from now I will feel so much stronger again. I do have a new home, a beautiful home, a lovely car, amazing children and a sweet puppy.
I will write that letter and maybe then I can stop crying, because I simply cant stop crying.
I am sending you a big HUG this morning, Skyflower and hope you all had a better night.
As for tears, they are a natural response to what has happened. Did you know that tears contain stress hormones? so therefore when we cry we let out that build-up of stress, and it's good to get it out. In the end you will be "all cried out" and start to feel calmer.
There is indeed a lot to come to terms with, sorry I did not realise that you still had to write reports etc, how annoying! But you should feel very proud of yourself and all you have achieved for you and your boys 
Loads of hugs from me Skyflower.
I have to say that looking back I cried for a long time, and haven't had to go through anything like you you have.
You have achieved so much. In time you will see this.
Sometimes I think we need to give our self permission to cry...
How are you feeling about everything today skyflower?
Thank you so much for your support, Louise, Sparkling and Sally, it does help in rebuilding my self esteem, as I feel so alone, unwanted, tossed away, discarted, even though it was me that left....I think that it is because everyone can behave so incredibly rude, mean, inhuman and I will have to still put up with it and something seems to be happening every week somehow, as if still staged by my ex. And I hate my own polite, nice and fear based reactions....then I get so disgusted with myself and beat myself up over how I should have reacted.
Lets take today. Mind game again. All of a sudden the half sister of both my sons, rings the doorbell. She is immediately very apologetic, so sorry she did not come last Sunday on my sons birthday but her nan is in the hospital. So I let her in, fuming inside, as she did not bother to send a card for his birthday, did not phone ever and testified in Court that I had kept her brothers away from her. Testified in Court about a lot of things I had never done.
The back ground is that since the boys were born, she was not interested. She did not see them until they were 5. When I sent pictures, I was told not to send them as her computer was crashing. She was angry as her inheritance was now divided.
When we came to live nearby (3 miles away from her) she has been very distant to my sons, visiting 4 times a year for Christmas and the birthdays of my ex and the boys, and told me specifically that we could never visit her house as the dog was not used to small children. (Note her daughter is one year older then my son). When she came to visit, she would never address the boys, only the adults at our house. Since I have left her father, she has testified against me several times.
As it is the boys half sister, I do maintain they send her birthday cards and I have sent a change of address and phone number when we moved, just in case she did want contact. In all the years she has never ever phoned.
So I expected a card and expected a phone call, as she had our address. No. Again. 3 days later just standing in front of our door with some story. So I let her in, offered a drink she refused, saying she needs to visit her nan in hospital, in the mean time my doorbell rings and as I go she asks my son what he had for his birthday. Was it a trick question as he has not opened his birthday card from his father? God knows....and it is times like this that I know that because I did not do a new FOF as the mcKenzie friend offered, I will have to go through this for another 7 years. Time after time. Report after report. Insult after insult.
Now I am scared. Scared of her reporting back.
Another thing happening today was I received a bill for the assessment of the psychologist. Of November last year. She reported to Court I could not be helped and refused us as a family and therefore the judge could rule the children needed to go into care. I had send her proof of things my ex did, you see, therefore I was too fixed into thinking my children were abused and I could not be helped. So she sent this bill of £ 2000 out of the blue, having refused us therapy, saying it was reading reports, phonecalls and assessments. The nerve of it. And she has written a book how she loves working with kids that are abused to make sense of it. So I get this invoice, sent through my solicitor, giving me the choice to pay directly and let them know, or pay through them whilst I think she shouldn't be paid at all. My inclination of course is to then pay and write as a reference "DISHONEST" or "WHERE IS YOUR INTEGRITY" but dare I actually do it ? There is no integrity in this invoice, non at all.
But afraid the Case can stir up again if shown I might not be stable, they can restart this case anytime again. Because I did not fight the FOF. It makes me feel I need to vomit about myself, as I choose to let go, even though I shouldn't.
What makes me feel better about myself, is feeling appreciated as I am translating SATS at my sons school, for a girl that came to this country and started school this January. As I speak several languages fluently, they asked for my help as this saves the school a lot of money.
I love doing this and at least to some people I am worthy.
I'm glad you're enjoying the translating. What a great thing to be able to do.
I don't know what to say about the rest of your post skyflower. I know while I didn't go through much in the grand scheme of things, I always felt that someone was trying to trip me up.
Loads of hugs
Thank you for your hugs Sparkling, you are always there with a kind and helpful word for everyone, every time someone needs it. thank you so much x
You see, over the last three years their half sister has only visited this son's birthday. Not the other ones birthday. She has never ever phoned though she has our number.
She all of a sudden turned up on our doorstep not wanting to come in, the year before a week before Christmas and looking through the doorway reported that I had the children open my ex husbands Christmas presents a week early and had no respect. My children actually had refused all Christmas presents.
Last Christmas she all of a sudden sent a card for Christmas and failed to write their last name on the envelope as she feels they don't deserve it for having refused to visit their father.
I would have preferred also for my son's sake that she would have phoned so we could have met up somewhere so first of all my son knows what to expect and then she can't report back on anything that happens at my house.
I don't want her to see who comes to our house. I don't want to have to introduce her to other people, as we don't have a normal contact.
Can't sleep.
Morning skyflower sorry to hear your struggling, hope you got some sleep eventually.
Sounds like the daughter has picked up some of her fathers abusive tactics, it is difficult to let go, but something that you have to do eventually otherwise you are going to be controlled by their behaviour all the time and you will have no peace.
Sorry but i'm not sure what you can do about the invoice from the pyschologist, you could ask your solicitor if there is anything you can do about it?
Glad your doing something you enjoy, helping at the school.
You are right Sally, thank you, I didn't it that way, I thought she was just helping him all the time, not making her responsible for her actions. And you are right that I am not getting any peace this way and am feeling so horrible. And for what ? It was Louise that said something like the real vengeance being to live well and that is what I need to do, and as you say, not being controlled by their behaviour and also protecting my children from it.
Thank you Sally, I need to turn this round and be prepared to say next time that it is inconvenient and that she can call for an appointment, which then will be outside my home. Take the control back. Maybe there are more solutions.....
Thank you Sally, a bit of light you have brought me
I've not had to deal with things like this, so have no idea what to say.
I'm just sorry you're dealing with it.
I hope you have managed to catch up on some sleep...
Thank you Sparkling for your support, it does help a lot. I did manage more sleep but thought about it a lot and I asked my children how they felt about it all. My eldest wants nothing to do with her as she never came for his birthday and as we are not welcome at their house though the dog apparently died. My youngest is just confused about it. I wonder if I should write her a letter, asking if it is possible to have a normal family relationship for the children where they can just meet at their family house and meet up with all family members (husband and her daughter) and she and her family will visit the children regularly instead of now once a year for 10 minutes, on her way over to somewhere else and her husband waiting in the car outside.....
I don't want to let her in the house anymore like this, if this is the kind of relationship she is offering. Apart from me not wanting to explain to others who she is, it is offensive for us all....
I would be inclined to let things lie, skyflower, it feels as if her behaviour has been very difficult so perhaps it is better not to encourage her!
Fair enough
Hi Skyflower, you mentioned earlier about having something prepared to say to your boys half sister, when she next shows up is a really good idea.
As much as you want to create a 'normal' relationship with her and her daughter for your boys, it sounds as though this may not be possible. Focus on you and the boys and your life together and have a line or two to keep the 'wolf from the door'. Perhaps something like. Sorry we are a bit busy right now, but we could meet in the park at 2pm? or The boys are free on Saturday afternoon, I could bring them over to yours.
How do you feel about that?
that is brilliant Anna thank you for that 
You are very welcome! Hope you are enjoying the sunshine 
Oh Skyflower, these people just seem to be able to waltz in and out with no regard for the effect on peoples' lives. I am not surprised you cried so much. Your poor boys, just thinking it was all over and then it pops up again. Do you know what the letter said?
I am thinking you may be feeling very angry with this woman, but also with "the system" that means this can happen. After such a meeting, lots of things can come into your head of what you wish you had said to a person. If this is the case, write a truly expressive letter being as rude and angry as you wish....and then burn the letter, saying to yourself "That is all gone now"
One thing: the tears were for many reasons but look into your heart and ask if one of the reasons is relief. It really is over, and all the work you have put in has NOT been wasted. It feels to you as if you are back to square one but you aren't, you have had a very upsetting blip and the boys and you can really move forward now. The biggest priority is for them to feel safe (I know that has always been your priority) and that's what you need to focus on right now. You have a new and settled home and the future is yours!
We are here to talk to, every day, you are not on your own. You are not broken, just tired and sad. You have so much strength and courage and the best revenge is to live well. You can do this!