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I found out two months ago I was pregnant with our 2nd child, although this should have been a time full of joy, but it hasnt, its made me realise how unstable and unloving my relationship with my partner really is.
We moved to Kent from Lancashire in November last year, and I have felt increasingly isolated and miserable as me aand oh spend no time together and hardly speak, I came back to Lancashire to spend time with family and friends and it has proved to me how much I want to be here, and I that the decision I hadbeen trying to make, whether or not to stay with my partner was a no brainer really, whilst I have been here I have been more relaxaed, I have slept, I havent felt down or isolated, I have tried to explain this to my partner, to which I have been told Im selfish and a bad mother to even concider leaving him, even though he doesnt really love me and isnt happy in my company.
I have looked into both sides of the storey in regards to bringing up children in a seperated family and personally think there is more damage to be done bringing children up in a home where parents are miserable and dont get on.
I am planning on taking my maternity leave in december (11 wks pre baby) then transfering my job to my local nhs trust, but I know when I leave he is going to make himself out to be the wrongged party and that im some evil uncaring women!
Hello again ElleJosie
Thank you for sharing your story. Kent and Lancashire are a long way apart and it has obviously been hard for you to adjust to the new surroundings, especially if your relationship has not been ideal.
I endorse what you say: what affects children the most adversely is living with parents in conflict with each other. It is unhelpful that your partner is saying you are an "unfit mother" because you have decided to break up with him. It sounds as if you have got a good plan, re the job and the home and maybe you could just make it clear to their dad that he can visit the children (although not neccessarily at your new home). From what you say, he is not accepting that the relationship is over and that may make him bitter towards you.
Do keep posting and we can support and chat with you as you make the transition
thanks peeps, I would like nothing more than for me and himself to be good friends and be able to bring our children up in harmony, but I know we are wrong for each other and the evidence from past issues proves we this.
We were once such good friends and I think being friends is all we should be!
Hi Ellejosie. It is a shame when relationships break down, especially when children are involved, but these things happen. Your partner is probably upset about the distance between the kids and him, just reassure him that he can still have contact, and visits. Hopefully given time, you may be able to become friends again.
I have told him from the start, i think hes a great dad, and I wont make his children suffer by not seeing him because we havent worked out, I hope he realises I wont be a mare and shut him out of their lives
Its good that you've told him that, but of course he'll still be hurting over it. You've realised that the two of you are wrong for each other, so just give him time to adjust as well. It must be pretty awkward for you at the moment though, not being able to move until later in the year. Hope you're ok.
x
The only thing stopping me moving right now is my job, I love my job and the people I work with and have said I will honour my job till my maternity leave, which is fine with them, it also means I can transfer my job to another trust, rather than worry about finding another job when I get back to Lancashire then not being able to provide from my family!
Good plan. Also it is not many weeks until you leave, so enjoy the good bits while you are there!
I shall try my best, im heading back there tonight after 2 weeks away at my parents....I really want to stay here!
Have a safe journey. I hope it goes ok when you get back.
Im back! And well, He came and told me he loves me (after telling me he didnt, and not talking to me for a month) he said he wants to work at things etc.
Hes moved back into our bedroom and had tidied the house.
Well this is all very nice, but slightly out of character, I cant help thinking, how long will this last?
And acctully, does he love me, or is his motive to keep me here because of the children.
I dont wish to be negative, but when I said I did love him too but I still want tomove back to Lancashire, he decided to bring school league tables up, so once again its irrasponible of me to bring my children up, up north, because schools in Kent (most of which are private and we cant afford) do much better than the schools from our home town, personally i think its down to the indvidual parent and child to if a child is pushed and enjoys learning.
And he also said if I make him leave his job and move back up north he will resent me for it for a long time, but he doesnt seem to give a sh1t that Im miserable here, have been for a year, and I am starting to resent him.
I feel he has alteria motives, and I also find hes being manipulative and I still wish to move.
I am aware this is going to make him look like a saint for trying and me a wicked witch for walking away from such a wonderful human being.
Because unlike an phycially abusive relationship, I will have no visual bruises, it will be my word against his.
Arghhh what a mess it was so much more clear in my head befor I came back!
Hi Ellejose.
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, as long as you are happy with what you plan to do, then so be it. It does seem as if he is trying to use the chlldren as a way of keeping you there, but if this is what you want to do, (going back North), and you think you'll be happier there, then don't be 'bullied' into anything. It doesn't matter what he tells other people, you know why you're doing it, so try not to worry about what others think, (difficult I know). You might find that you feel very differently in a few weeks, who knows really, he might try and change in order to keep you there with him.
x
All you can do is see how it goes...
I really do send loads of hugs your way - and positive thoughts.
Thank you, it means a lot to have people to "listen" to me x
Hello ElleJosie
Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on. You are being cautious and wondering what his motives are, it is good that you are aware of this. It is totally up to you what you decide to do but I will say that if he truly loves you then he will want you to be happy....and so if you say you want to be up North then the choice is his: does he come up north with you or stay in the south without you.
No-one else's view matters, as long as you know you have done the best thing for you and the children...and whichever way you decide we will be here to listen
best wishes
I have been accepted onto the "shared ownership" scheme for the flat I want to buy, I got the letter yesterday, most exciting, so I called the estate agent, 2 other people have put offers in at the asking price, so have I, so no its a waiting game to see who they think is the most "in need" of that flat!
Hopefully pregnant and already a mummy of one, whos a nurse and needs to move back to her hometown will be most "worthy". All I can do is cross my fingers now 
Wishing you good luck with that one, Elle Josie!
Shared owenrship schemes are gradully increasing in number throughout the country. Anyone who wants to know more about shared ownership schemes, click here to read all about them.
Good luck ElleJosie. Fingers crossed for you.
x
Congratulations.
That is so good.
Thanks peeps!
The estate agent called me today, the housing people cant make their minds up on who is the most "worthy" so we are going to get phonecalls and be interviewed grrr I want it sooooooooooooooo much!
Hi ElleJosie. If I were you, I would write down all the facts before they ring you. Jot down exactly why you think you are the most worthy.
Good luck again with it all.
x
Oh heck! I am sorry, I thought it was sorted!
Good luck with this.
Great advice Alisoncam!
Hi ElleJosie I would make a list of reasons you are in need with all the specifics and don't be afraid to decorate that facts..I'm sure the other candidates will be doing the same! When is you baby due (apologises if you have already said this) and do you know what you are having?
I have my fingers and toes crossed for you!
HelenT
Hi Helen,
I have a long list already of why I should have this flat over anyone else lol!
Babies due 17th March 2011 and Im booked in for a private scan on Saturday to find out wether J will have a little brother or sister!
Good luck with the scan, as long as baby is healthy eh that's all that matters. How's everything going for you at home? Hope you're ok.
x
Ooh Elle Josie
The scan will be exciting. Good luck with it and let us know how it goes.
Didnt get the flat! Totally deverstated, spoke to the women from the housing association, she said from what I told her I "have a very strong case" to get the flat, an hour later the agent called and said I had been unsuccesful, I was broken, totally gutted!
Have to try and find something else now!
Ah I am sorry to hear that! The good news is that the person who had a "stronger case" than you is now housed and out of the running, so keep looking!
Yes, and flats can come up quickly too - mind you, that is going by what happens in my area.
My fingers are crossed.
Others will turn up. I know you're disappointed, but something else will come along, perhaps even better than the last one.
x
Hi ElleJosie
We have not 'met' before, I just wanted to say 'hallo' and 'welcome'. Bad luck about the flat, keep striving, you will get there 
When you talked about your partner it made me think of the classic 'persuader' from the Freedom Programme. This programme is for survivors of domestic abuse. It helps us understand what goes on in an abusive persons mind and also gives us some invisible armour, so that we can distinguish what is abusive behaviour and language rather than spend hours admonishing ourselves.
I think every woman should go on this programme, it is so informative, empowering and life changing. Read our interesting article on the Freedom Programme. This explains very extreme behaviour but the programme discusses much less abusive tactics too.
The 'Persuader' is the persona who comes along when you have left or are leaving a relationship, they will try and show you they have changed (they tidy the house), (say they love you). They will say anything to get you back.
It is always painful when someone wants to leave a relationship, of course he will try and keep things as they are, his life will turn upside down and he will need to make changes.
However, as everyone else has said, you are the important one here. It is more important for your children to be raised in a happy carefree home, than to grow up seeing mum not strive to be fulfilled.
One great saying I have heard recently, which could be useful to remember when talking to your partner is 'Its not about how much you love someone, it's about the person you are, when you are with that someone'
Have you seen any more properties?
Hi Ellejosie,
I hope you find Anna's comments useful.
I am so sorry to hear about your flat, you must be devestated. I hope soemthing else will come up for you soon, on the plus side I imagine you got all your paperwork/finances etc in order to apply for the mortgage so it will be that much simpler next time.
HelenT
Good luck with the move.
It is a difficult situation to be in when you feel so isolated.
At least you have a focus to get you through...