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Firstly I just want to apologise for the length of this post
I have been a single mum for a long time and Im so lonely. The children dont go to their father as he remarried and swiftly dumped the children in favour of his new family. I cant get out to meet new people because there is no one to look after the children and I cant afford babysitter rates. I have looked into Gingerbread and there are no groups here and all the mums on netmums are all much younger than me with babies and toddlers.Everything is geared towards single parents with little children, not ones of my age. My children are 13, 9 and 6. My parents can't have the children as they have enough to do as my grandmother has dementia so they are with her all the time.
Im really sorry if I sound like I am being selfish but I really need to get out before I go mad. Out of being desperate I signed up for internet dating which is stupid because when people ask me on a date I cant even go! Im so miserable I dont know which way to turn. Im not getting any younger and Im so angry my ex has been able to move on and have a normal life and I am in exactly the same position I was in when he left me 6 years ago and I have been left with all the responsibility of providing financially and doing all the care while he is off having a new life.
I feel alienated at the school because I work I only get to the playground in time to pick up and dont get to talk to anyone. Im starting to go crazy.
I have also tried internet penpals just to have contact with people but they seem to get bored and disappear after a bit.
I do work but its not a job where I meet people and although everyone I work with are lovely people its a family run business and everyone is Hindu so no one wants to do things with me.
Can anyone suggest anything else? I just can't cope with being alone anymore
Hi Victoria C sorry you are feeling so alone - if I am honest I would break the problem down into smaller chunks because we often look at the whole problem and put barriers in the way to show how diffiicult it can be - I do it myself
Could your parents not have the kids maybe once a month for say two hours - would that be too much and more to the point - have you asked them? The reason I say this is that my own mum is always telling me about her friends being "put upon" by their children to look after the grandchildren but on the odd occasion and I mean odd occasion, my mum will look after mine.
Is there anyone in the playground you feel a connection with that you could invite back for a coffee with their child - so kids can play and you get some adult company.
Have you thought about setting up a Gingerbread group yourself?
Could you afford a babysitter for say two hours rather than a whole evening or could you offer to do an early evening babysit for another family at your house in return for them to babysit for you.
I found when my ex left 4 months ago that lots of people offered me coffee and a chat but I didn't take them up on the offer as I preferred to confide in my sister - now they have stopped offering but I feel I am ready to be more sociable - I just hope they are still there for me.
Does your ex not see the kids at all? How about contacting him and setting it up - they are his kids too and it is not fair that you do everything yourself.
Could you look for another job where you can meet other people?
I would just look at one problem and try tackling it one at a time - say to yourself today I am going to contact my ex and ask him to start seeing the kids
Hope that helps - if not feel free to ignore! Sending you a hug - I know how lonely life can be and I am only 4 months in!
Thank you for your reply I appreciate what you have said and I would hope that Im not putting barriers in the way but if I can I will go over each point that you have made because it is slightly more complicated than it seems.
My parents live a long way from me so they cant just pop in for a couple of hours. I have asked but have given up doing that because there is always something going on that means they cant and in if there is time when they could, they say they are too tired after looking after my Nan. They also work so I feel guilty about asking knowing they have too much to do already as they are pensioners.
My children have started a new school and because I drop off literally as the bell goes and pick up in the same way I haven't been able to talk to one mum. I thought about joining the PTA but the meetings are in the evening and there is no one to look after the children. I have made enquiries about babysitters but they seem to be in excess of £10 an hour. I dont receive any maintenance from the father because he has 5 children with his new woman and the government says they come first and he has no surplus money to pay towards mine. If he did I could afford a babysitter.
The children are not allowed to see their father and I have a court order to say this as they were mistreated by his new wife and pretty much left to fend for themselves whilst in his care. My daughter contracted a nasty skin infection when she stayed with them on three occasions so for reasons of this nature he cannot take them. He told the court he wasn't interested in seeing them either so its no possible for him to take them.
I only got this job 6 months ago and I cant afford to give it up because it is school hours term time only which is so difficult to get. I previously worked a 40 hour week and the childcare costs were horrendous. I hardly ever saw the children and the little one started soiling and wetting himself because he was upset so that was never going to work.
I wish it was more clear cut but these are all real issues but I very much appreciate your response. I feel like Im ina corner with no where to go!
Oh Victoria C - that really is difficult then - I hope I didn't offend you when I said you were putting barriers in the way - its just I do this myself by finding all the reasons why I can't do something - you really do have lots of things stopping you - I would seriously consider starting your own Gingerbread group - what do you think?
Could you invite a parent back after school for a coffee with their child?
Its ok Im not offended at all, trust me I have tried to think of everything. I have printed off all the forms to start a gingerbread group as I had thought of that already, one thing worries me that as I work and Im doing an Open University Degree (which I am already falling behind on!) that I would be biting off more than I could chew by taking on another responsibility and then end up having to let people down. I guess just reallyI need to get my act together :)
Hello VictoriaC
Welcome to One Space, the good news is that you have found us now and there is someone on here every day to talk to, even at weekends 
You have clearly really thought about things and tried to be creative about what would help, all credit to you. I don't know whether you work fulltime? Is there any way you could reorganise your hours a bit?
I am posting a link to our article Making New Friends but I will also highlight some ideas for you,
One of the things you could think about doing is voluntary work, even if at one of the children's schools...but there are all sorts of outlets. Also, do you feel able to go to a church? Even if you are not particularly religious, it can provide a ready made social life, lots of family activities, youth clubs and a congregation often including older people who are on their own and would love to be invited to tea, and then would stay on and babysit, and no fee involved! There are so many people who would love to be an extra grandparent, I used to have a lady who I took to the supermarket every week and generally looked after and she was a great help with my youngest. Have a look at the MeetUps site for social activities. Finally you could host a social evening and ask some of the neighbours over.
Gosh, all those ideas will take you a while to explore, and it is important to be positive about it and to realise that it will take a while to build up your life into what you want it to be...and it is up to YOU.
We are always here to chat with too, as I said in the beginning. Maybe you could tell us a bit more about your work and also your interests?
I don't know what is involved with setting up a group but see it as a way out but don't put yourself under anymore pressure - in no time I am sure you will find like minded people and there is always someone willing to help so find that person and delegate!
Could you get to school 10 mins earlier and stand in the playground - you say your youngest is 6 - there should be plenty of mums around in the morning and I would just say to the kids we need to get organised 15 mins sooner as I would like to make some new friends and meet other mums in the playground.
It is hard to make friends in the playground and I have been on other forums where people have said how cliquey they are but you have to be bullish and you will soon find out which mums are nice and which mums just want to gossip -
What are your plans for this weekend?
Hi and thanks for your reply. Im really lucky with my hours because I only work school hours term time only so I class myself as being very lucky to get those as a single mum so re organising them is not really an option when I get some much flexibility already if you see what I mean.
I work as a personal assistant in a warehouse. The company is run by a Hindu family, My boss has a family and they live in London as do his parents who also work there. The rest of the team are young lads in their early 20s who only speak Gujarati and then there is me. All though there shouldn't be,there is a cultural divide and Im sort of kept at arms length because I am white. I dont think they mean to but it is there none the less. Aside of that I love working with them and they are very generous as they know I am a single mum and under a bit of pressure. I can't complain they are very good to me.
We did join a church a few of weeks ago but we didnt go back as it wasn't really for us.Saying that I can always try another church. That one was more specific and seemed geared toward young people 18 - 20 somethings and not very family orientated.
I love to read, gardening, art galleries and museums, antiques but they all seem to be activities that you do alone and not part of a group and Im not exactly built for sport because I am a bit big.
Well, have a good think about the ideas that have been given, there are all sorts of avenues still to explore. You might find a nightclass from September in one of your interest areas, that gives you a chance in the meantime to find your older person to help out with a weekly babysit, heh heh, it really is like a military campaign.
What about activites in the school holidays? Your eldest is big enough to be left for a while if they don't want to join in, have a look on the website of your local council to see what family things are on. If the children get involved in acitivites in general, at weekends for example, you can either talk to the other parents there or you can go off and do things you enjoy such as visit the art gallery and strike up a conversation there, ok these people will not be your bosom friends but all social interaiiton is really good practice for building up your confidence.
Another thought: your eldest is 13, not long until they can be ok to be left in charge of the younger ones, for a short time at first, of course. One thing you could do over the next year or two is to have a long, hard look at how capable and independent ALL your children are (for their age) I often think that as single parents we seek to "compensate" our children for not having two parents and we tend to coddle them a bit more. The more things they can do for themselves, the earlier the day will come when you DO feel comfortable to go out of the house on your own.
Onwards and upwards!
Hi VictoriaC. Welcome along to One Space. Like others have said, it is a great site, and we're all here to support each other. I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. I can't really suggest anything that the others haven't already. I would say about inviting the children's friends round though, that is a sure way of meeting other parents. Like Louise has said, your eldest will be soon old enough to have the younger ones for a while, which will give you some 'me' time, which you must be craving. I do know how lonely it can be. I've only got the one son, but at times it does seem like we're glued together!!
Look forward to getting to 'know' you. Are you out and about this weekend with the children?
Thank you to all of you who have replied to my post. I feel a little less lonely knowing although we are all in together, thats in the genuine sense not in the David Cameron sense lol :) I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply to me.
Victoria x
Awww Victoria, you're more than welcome I think just writing on here about problems, whether it's to do with us, our kids, or in some cases, ex's, it does help, and there's normally someone here that has been through exactly the same thing. I've made lots of 'friends' on One Space. Like you say, we're all in this together. xx
Hi VictoriaC from me too!
There are a lot of mums out there who are working and might well appreciate another parent to have their child one evening a week, rather than sending them to after school club. I wonder if you could talk to one of your childrens teachers and ask if they know of anyone?
hazeleyes' suggestion of having a child over after school means that when the parent picks them up, you get to have a chat! Do your children get invited over for play with others?
It is hard to find new friends when it seems that everyone seems settled, but trust me, we are always looking to meet new people!
You say that the church you tried wasn't really for your family, will you try another church then?
Hi Victoria,
Sorry, to hear you are feeling so isolated.
I have just joined the site, and having a read through people's posts. Looking through your discussion I see a couple of suggestions re: join a church. I joined a church in 2009 and it has changed my life. As you can see from my name I became a Christian..Of course I am not suggesting you do this as it is a huge life changing step!! But could always explore the idea:)
But what I am saying is that if you find the right church you will have opportunities to meet some gr8 people. I am now part of a church family, about 200 of us gather for worship every Sunday ranging from ages of 1mnth to 92yrs. Kids have own youth group and go away for a weeks holiday camping in the summer. We also have a weekend camping session which is gr8. I also do some voluntary work through it. If you give me an idea what part of country you live in I can perhaps direct to this type of church if there is one near you.
I also think the idea of trying to befriend mum of one of you kid's friends will help immensely. Do your kids go to after school activities. This is also another way of meeting people.
Hi Thank you for replying to my post. I would be very interested to know the type of church you go to. We did try to go to church because I have become interested in Christianity but the one that we went to was very modern, with a rock type band and aimed predominantly at people aged in their teens to their twenties. Although Im only 38 I felt really out of place so probably a traditional style would suit me better.
I keep thinking about it but Im nervous since I dont know what to expect and because I have never properly attended church Im worried that I wont know what is going on. I tried to join an Alpha class at the last church but they seemed to have every excuse as to why I couldnt and I also wanted to join one of their 'cell' groups to learn about becoming a Christian but again they kept making excuses saying that I didnt know enough and I wouldnt understand what everyone was talking about, so I felt really rejected. Their attitude surprised me since I thought Church was meant for everyone. I didnt go back.
I would be really grateful for any advice you can give me.
Thanks so much...Victoria
Awww Victoria, that is such a shame. I think that is such a shame that they're not welcoming you.
I regulary attended a traditional Church, but have to say I had very little support, although having said that, it was 'nice' to have a chat on a Sunday morning.
I was put in a position where I had to stop going though.
Hi Victoria it is such a shame that church was not welcoming to you, anyway it is their loss and someone elses gain. If you are interested try contacting the minister before hand and ask to go have a look round and have chat about what they do and how they can support you.
I visited many churches until i found one that i was happy with, i was assigned two elders who act as mentors, who basically if you have any questions or needed support with something they were the ones to ring or if i had not gone to church on Sunday they would call and see if i was o.k.
Christain your church sounds supportive as well as fun, lots of activities to be involved in.
Sparkling do you have freeview or something similair as you can access some christain based shows on there, i have found them informative, not sure if thats something you would be interested in?
Hi Sally
I like the idea of having a mentor. I asked if there was someone I could talk to and they said there was so I asked to be put in touch and they never came back to me so I gave up. I think its sad that people who are meant to be so caring don't even respond when asked for help.
Which type of Church do you belong to if you don't mind me asking?
Thanks for your reply too Sparkling. So you don't go to Church anymore or is it just a different one?
Hi Victoria C I would say that what you have experienced is unusual as I have found in the past that I have had the opposite problem, that churches can be a bit over-keen 
We all have to find our own place that suits us and it is Ok to go as a visitor to several until you find something right for you. The one I have reently started going to is a modern one that meets in a hotel and many of the members are in their thirties with young families and the children just run around a bit and join in and then go to their Sunday school bit during the talk. I don't yet know if it is going to suit me; in the past I went to a tradtional church and there were lots of activities but I became a single aprent during this time and there was very limited support for me and also disapproval that I had ended my marriage so in the end I left.
It's worth walking round your local area to look and see what churches there are and also in our local paper each church does little reports, I don't know if that is the case for your paper too?
Hi
I understand where you're coming from with feeling lonely. I've been on my own for eight years, and even though my lot are now old enough so I can go out, I don't have anyone to go out with!
I have company at work and Cubs and Scouts (where I am one of the Leaders), but somehow its not quite the same. Enough to keep me sane and break up the week though.
My life saver has been this board. Someone will always reply and the support and friendship I've found here has been brilliant. Even if its just to get an opinion about a decision I need to make.
The parenting specialists here have really helpful ideas and links too.
Do keep posting. Look forward to getting to 'know' you.